DS constantly chanting "I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"

[Cutecat78]

Trying to have a nice meal with the kids (18, 16, 13), made pancakes (only) for tea as a bit of a treat as I am normally anal a real stickler for a "proper" eve meal.

DS1 is 18, things aren't great between us ATM as he has dropped out of college and hasn't managed to get a job so is being fully supported by me (which I am struggling to afford - which he knows).

The rules are my house my rules, he helps out around the house, he lets me know what time he's home and if he wants tea. He gets a fucking job ASAP.

His staple reply to other things since he turned 18 has been "I'm 18, I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" which is really quite infuriating and often turns into me replying "while you are living in my house being supported by me you will do as you are told". A row ensues and it's not pleasant.

Over dinner he put a load of sugar and syrup and strawberry sauce on his pancake which had sugar in it already. DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM) and I tell DS1 that's way too much sugar etc (and IMO a bit rude) and I get the "I'm 18" response.

This is really really pissing me off and I know I need to pick my battles but are all 18 yr olds like this? If so is there a joking way I can respond without it turning into a row about him not working Every. Single. Time.

He is an adult in the eyes of the law but he is still my son and not the grown man he keeps bragging he is as he's not actually doing anything constructive right now .

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

40? That makes sense, looking back on my own life

[Owllady]

Yes, I'd encourage him down the job centre too. Are there any job fairs coming up by you?
But no yanbu at all.

[Florene]

You shouldn't have said anything at the time.

You could have spoken to him later on when it was just the two of you and explained the issues you are having with your other son, and asked for his support. Then if he had replied along the same lines, he would have been unreasonable.

As it stands I'm afraid you were.

Did you have a very long thread running last year about how much board to charge your son? It seems to ring a bell.

[Cutecat78]

Thing is we have had those chats about 100 times.

I got called into college every other week because he was bunking off, he smoked weed and got caught shop lifting.

He lied about various things including being sacked from fucking Burger King of all places - I mean who manages that?!

I have been patient, I have been kind, I have been understanding, I have spoken to him like an adult, I have been firm but fair.

I am still waiting for him to come through it - I guess I just want a bit of respect.

[Cutecat78]

Yes florene IWBU for charging him a 3rd apparently

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Anyone who bunks off or doesn't generally pull their weight gets fired from Burger King, Cute. Just like any other zero hours contract job. It really, really isn't that easy out there for them.

[Oldraver]

I think he can 'be an adult and decide how he wants his pancakes' when he pays for it.

[ethelb]

I imagine a lot of them have 6 week olds

[Owllady]

I got sacked from a petrol station when I was that age. If it helps?
My mum asked me to move out in the end, so I had to work full time and rent a flat. I soon grew up. I had no choice (I'm not suggesting you do this but I think she'd had enough)

[Cutecat78]

He set the grill on fire apparently - which I suspect did it.

[Borninthe60s]

Just respond with I'm (insert age), I'm an adult and I can do what I want.....which includes having a set of house rules and financially support who I want when I want not because I have to. Tell him to put up or shut up or get out!

[Headofthehive55]

Goodness. I think it was incredibly rude of you to pass comment over what he put on his pancakes. Fair enough if he took the lot but normally you put stuff out so people can put what they want on, yes? Can you imagine saying that comment to a friend? She wouldn't be for much longer!

[Owllady]

When I worked in burger king it was always on fire //confused :o I thought the whole point was they were flame grilled?

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I never got sacked - I walked out of jobs, several times, in a fit of pique, and straight into another. Many, many years ago. It's not so easy nowadays.

[peggyundercrackers]

It can't be easy but I think your battles are a bit petty. If he's an adult he can eat what he likes, if he wants to put aload of sugar on his pancakes let him. I don't agree with saying don't do that because it sets a bad example to your siblings - he isn't responsible for their behaviour - as their parent you are.

With regards his job hunting you can't expect him to do what you would do, he is younger, has less experience etc. Maybe he needs guidance instead of moaning at him?

I don't think you should be telling him what to do - he should stick to some basic house rules but telling him what to do will just grate with him because he's an 'adult'. His actions seem a little bit exaggerated but I think all he is doing is trying to get a rise out of you, you need to take a step back a bit and let some of it go.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

at Handsome, that was funny.

My DSes are 19,17,15. If my 19 or 17 year old wanted to load their pancakes, that's fine, there's loads on the table. If anything was getting low I'd say to any of them "hey, don't take so much, everyone else wants some"

And no, I wouldn't threaten to chuck him out , he's my teenage son.

[StuffEverywhere]

I would refocus all available energy away from pancakes and on supporting him with his job hunting.

I know you say that it's just one example, but... really?.. The amount of sugar on your DS's pancake upsets you this much? In the scheme of things, when there's so much to deal with, it's just not something you want to be obsessing about...

[BabyGanoush]

I bloody well hope he does his own laundry, sheet changing etc., as an "adult"

please tell me he does.

As to the sugar: pick your battles and leave it

[Cutecat78]

The pancake didn't upset me - it's whenever I say anything I get "I'm 18 blah blah".

He does his own laundry, changes his sheets etc (they all do) but his room and his bathroom are disgusting - and I do grit my teeth and say nothing (not so much the bathroom as its brand new )

[Owllady]

He's irritating her because she has a child with a complex disorder who can be compulsive 're food and his brother being an adult, should know to model appropriate behAviour really
But I live with teenagers and autism :o

[Cutecat78]

owllady Yes it's that - and he doesn't clean his teeth unless I stand over him

[RandomMess]

So how about he shares with one of the others and you rent out his bedroom as it has the ensuite...

[Cutecat78]

I have threatened that but he can't share with DD and I am not sure how DS2 would cope with this.

When I did this in skint times 7 yrs ago they almost killed each other - we also have my partners kids EOW.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

It's a shame you had to spell that out, Owl.

Please tell me you don't stand over your nt 18yo as he cleans his teeth though, op