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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think ex-husband should report it to me when his son texts extremely abusive language about me?

64 replies

supadoula · 08/02/2016 20:40

I have just come upon a very abusive text on my DS's (aged 10) phone. He wrote to his dad that I was a piece of sh*t....
Not only did his dad not report this to me, he didn't send anything back to say this was not acceptable.
We separated 18 months ago. I did everything so that they could see their dad every day (moved nearby, etc...). I don't believe this is acceptable behaviour from ex-H and it certainly is not from my son either. I want my DS to respect women - his mum and his sister especially. He has been aggressive at times towards his sister and myself. What can I do to make both of them see that they are crossing the line?

OP posts:

originalmavis · 08/02/2016 20:44

Have you spoken to your ex? He needs to knock this on the head straight away. No matter how you two feel about each other, he needs to pull the child up - disrespectful, he needs to realise all his mum dies for him/sacrifices for him and this type of language is not acceptable and there will be a punishment. When was this?

Cleensheetsandbedding · 08/02/2016 20:44

It's acceptable at all.

Id take the phone of him as its not supposed to be used as a tool to slag you off to his father with. I'd be having a serious talk to him about this behaviour and alone word with his father. It makes you wonder how they talk about you when you are not there.

Little sod

Cleensheetsandbedding · 08/02/2016 20:44

Not*

originalmavis · 08/02/2016 20:45

Does not dies (a tad too melodramatic!)

0verNow · 08/02/2016 20:45

Perhaps he has dealt with it - just not by text. I wouldn't do it by text.

Original poster

supadoula · 08/02/2016 20:50

It was a week ago as I was telling him off for misbehaving. I called my ex-H and he hung up on me....
I thought he would at least be a fair dad - even if he can't be a good husband!

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 08/02/2016 20:54

I don't think he has to report it to you but obviously he does have to come down hard on that kind of behaviour. Do you know that he hasn't addressed it? I wouldn't expect the telling off to be done via text message.

shinynewusername · 08/02/2016 20:54

What can I do to make both of them see that they are crossing the line?

Why do you think they are both crossing a line, just because your ExH didn't text your DS back? He may have preferred do deal with it face to face.

If you have some reason for believing your ExH is encouraging your DS' aggression, then you have every reason to be angry. But otherwise YABU to assume that your ExH is complicit, just because he hasn't sent a text back. It's great that you have made such an effort to give your DC stability, but that isn't going to last if you undermine your relationship with your ExH by jumping to conclusions or by treating him as if he isn't competent to make his own parenting decisions.

Original poster

supadoula · 08/02/2016 20:58

He has not addressed it. He has not talked to him. He plays "best friend" with his kids. This is not parenting. This is passive aggressive undermining of me as a mum.

OP posts:

Alambil · 08/02/2016 21:02

DS lost his phone and freedom (no staying at mates after school, nothing at all electrical (tablet, playstation et al) for a week after talking to me disrespectfully, and that didn't include swearing; I'd go absolutely ape-shit on his arse if he dared talk like that about me!

Don't rely on ex-h to sort him out; be strong enough to make the impact on your own. Make him realise he doesn't get to treat people like that, especially not family.

Original poster

supadoula · 08/02/2016 21:13

DS is not going to see his phone for a long time. And I am going to have a long chat with him again in the morning. I will also tell his kungfu teacher who is like a father figure and see if he can have a chat with him. I am not going to let this go because I want him to respect me, his sister and all the women in his life.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 08/02/2016 21:16

OP it would be great if your ex would support you with issues like this,but if he won't there's not really anything you can do about that.
But with your son I'd be coming down on him for that and for the way he treated his sister.Could it be learned behaviour?Did he ever see your ex husband behave like that to you or your DD when you were all still living together?

Haffdonga · 08/02/2016 21:25

A piece of shit is not the language you'd want from a ten year old but extremely abusive ? Really?

Rude and disrespectful it may be, but making it specifically an issue about respecting/ abusing women (when presumably he was just being downright rude to you because you were telling him off) may be creating a bigger issue than it really was in the first place.

Your ds needs to respect you and talk to you poltely because he needs to do that to everyone - not just to women. You are handing him ammunition - if he knows exactly how to wind you up so easily now, then his teen years will be ... interesting.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2016 21:26

It's not just about respecting women though is it?

A 10yr old shouldn't be calling anyone a piece of shit, let alone a parent. It's the same with the aggression.

I think if your ex isn't going to climb on board with the parenting, you're going to have to adopt a zero tolerance policy yourself.

Far better now then in a few years, when he's a strapping teenager.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2016 21:28

What I mean is, if you drive home the 'women/girls' thing too far, you may give him the impression that it's ok to be like this to men/boys.

pocketsaviour · 08/02/2016 21:38

Massive overreaction on your part. He needs a private space to vent. If he'd said it to your face you'd have cause for complaint: he didn't. You're coming across as very controlling and his teen years are going to be hell on earth at this rate.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2016 21:49

pocket that language about his mum is unacceptable, he was texting this to his dad, so his dad needs to knock it on the head. This is not an appropriate way to vent, he needs more acceptable ways, calling his mum a piece of shit is not!!

GloGirl · 08/02/2016 21:52

I don't think you should ban your son from his phone. Those are his private thoughts and he should be able to write them down.

Unless he had every expectation that you would read it, and he knew how hurtful you would find it.

He was angry with you and wrote a message to his Dad. I agree his Dad should have stuck up for you but you can't control what another person does or thinks.

I would punish my 10 year old for the swearing and the nastiness, but I would treat what he said as if he had written "I hate her".

starry0ne · 08/02/2016 21:57

I think your response is well over the top.. He was pissed off with you...

I get from my DS (8 so younger) you are the worst mum in the world, I even got you wish I was dead the other day... they are letting there emotions out.

They don't mean it.. I wonder if some of your annoyance is the fact of who he sent the text too?

DeoGratias · 08/02/2016 22:25

If you make a fuss about things you make more of them than there needs to be,. Why should the father snitch on the son? May be you had been awful to the boy? Have you examined your own conscience? Parents are not Gods. Sometimes chidlren know better than we do.

GloGirl · 08/02/2016 22:27

I wouldn't expect him to snitch but any reasonable father would say "Don't you talk about your Mother like that" even if he didn't like you very much either.

Thymeout · 08/02/2016 22:36

This was a private text between DS and his father, so, no, I don't think he should report it to you.

But I do think he should tell his son not to swear. How you go about having a civil conversation with him, I don't know. Do you email? Something non-confrontational asking for his support in cutting out bad language?

I agree with Worra and others that you are making a bigger issue of this than you need by making it into some general anti-woman bias. Isn't it possible he might say the same about a male teacher or a brother, if he had one?

LordBrightside · 08/02/2016 22:51

You want him to respect "the women in his life"?

That's very specific. Why the women in particular?

LogicalThinking · 08/02/2016 22:57

I don't think it's wrong for him to vent in private
I don't think his dad should have told you
I don't think he needs to be punished
It was a private conversation between him and his dad

originalmavis · 08/02/2016 23:09

My DH would pull up DS is he was disrespectful to anyone, let alone me and vice versa.

Kids have to learn that yes, they get pissed off but they have to learn how to let off steam reasonably (I'm thinking if it was said about a teacher or another child on social media). And a bit more consided too "I'm pissed off with mum because she yelked at me and I'm really angry", not "she's a piece of shit ". If he's pissed off, he should tell mum, not vent at pal-daddy.

Where's he hearing that charming terminogy from? - DS knows " you will hear it but it doesn't mean you have to repeat it".

If he gets away with it at 10, God alone knows what he will be spouting when the teens really kick in.

Should the dad have told her? Well probably - on the qt to keep her in the loop - but dad should manage it.

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