to think ex-husband should report it to me when his son texts extremely abusive language about me?

[supadoula]

I have just come upon a very abusive text on my DS's (aged 10) phone. He wrote to his dad that I was a piece of sh*t....
Not only did his dad not report this to me, he didn't send anything back to say this was not acceptable.
We separated 18 months ago. I did everything so that they could see their dad every day (moved nearby, etc...). I don't believe this is acceptable behaviour from ex-H and it certainly is not from my son either. I want my DS to respect women - his mum and his sister especially. He has been aggressive at times towards his sister and myself. What can I do to make both of them see that they are crossing the line?

Obviously there's a lot more context to this butt I'd still be cross.
Especially, as you said, Ex seems to be playing the pally pally Disney Dad and you're left with the everyday boring/discipline stuff on your own.

How's your DS been with his sister?

I would be wanting to know why he felt that way

He should be able to have conversations with his father without everything being passed to you, that would undermine the relationship.

I'm guessing the kid was angry and venting steam, not an ideal phrase, but hardly the end of the world.

It wasn't a statement about all women, it was a statement about you and you have no idea if his dad has spoken to him about it or not

Out of interest OP, how did you 'come upon' this message? Did you look on his phone and decide to read what he presumed would be a private message to his father?

He should be able to have conversations with his father without everything being passed to you, that would undermine the relationship.

I agree

I'm guessing the kid was angry and venting steam, not an ideal phrase, but hardly the end of the world.

I disagree. It is a nasty incredibly rude thing for anyone to say about anyone. I know teens say things like this between themselves but for a 10YO to say it to a parent is unbelievable. He knew he could get away with it though, which was why he said it. What a charmer his dad is helping him become.

OP you need to talk to your ex about DS's language.

I find this an odd one.

I wouldn't like it if my dd spoke about me like that. However I know that sometimes you just need to vent. You say stuff you don't really mean. It's his phone and his dad.

I am also interested in why you were look at converstations between your son and his father.

I get that you should check his phone occasionally but don't get why you checked these. Your son does deserve some privacy especially between him and his father.

You say your ex hasn't tackled it. But do you know that for a fact or are you just presuming as your ex isn't the type to do that?

Yabu. While I might pull the child up on the language used, not least because he's ten and it's not ok to use that kind of language towards an adult in that instance, as the ex I wouldn't be reporting back on what he'd said because by doing so it would likely result in the child feeling he had nowhere to turn if things were difficult and he needed someone to confide in.

I have in the past spoken to my ex about things the DC have been unhappy about. His reaction is to give them a hard time for talking to me rather than him. So now I tell him nothing. I do encourage the DC to talk to him about things they're unhappy about with him, but if they don't feel comfortable doing that (and they don't) then I keep their confidence.

We have no idea of the context here and why this child felt the need to vent in the way he did. But we do know that the parent's reaction has been to want to confiscate the phone and make a big deal of it, rather than to explore the underlying issues/cause.

Sounds to me like there are bigger issues than a text message.

But on this I think that you need to be careful or you will drive your/his DS away.

I am not sure why you are focused on the women thing, are you projecting issues with his dad onto him? I get that he has also been aggressive but are you and dd only other people in the house so it's impossible to know if it's gender based.
I would be horrified if my 10 year olds called anyone that and doubly so to another adult. I am relaxed about swearing, but not about name calling. You don't call the people you love names. I too would remove the phone...i wouldn't fund something used to be abusive about me! Perfectly acceptable to check a 10 year old's phone, emails etc... 10 is too young to trust to be safe online etc.
I would also try and spend a lot of 1:1 time with your ds...he is obviously very angry about things and needs to feel loved and secure. Does he blame you for the divorce, miss his dad and taking it out on you?

Please be careful not to take a way all of his privacy and give him a chance to be himself.

Aggression after a divorce is totally normal. The OP should be focusing on helping her son manage his feelings, not punishing for having them. And yes, that includes picking him up on the language but in the context of helping him deal with anger. Instead she is focused on her own feelings of injustice.

I agree with the PP that the OP is projecting feelings about her ExH onto their DS. The poor boy is 10, probably still hurting and confused It's easier for the OP to be angry at him back than to deal with guilt about the divorce (which is almost always there, even when it was the right thing for everyone). But that won't help either of them. And - on a practical note - all that will be achieved is that he'll know to use Snapchat next time.

thank you for all the comments. Yes, there is a lot of context that you don't get. Yes, of course, I feel guilty about the divorce. Yes, I am having a hard time! No, I do not think he should be using Snapchat. If he has something on his mind, he should say it, to me or his dad.
When we separated, we agreed that we would put parenting first. I don't think ex-H is a responsible dad by not having had a chat with his son. And yes, it is about respecting women, all women and respecting people around you. If he said this to anybody, I would have a stern talk with him. Everyone deserves respect.
I am picking him up at school and we are going to have a discussion over a hot chocolate. I will ask him how he felt at the time and why he did send that text.
And no, I wasn't spying on his phone... It came up as I lost my phone and I was setting up the alarm for the next morning. I do respect my DS and my DD's privacy but they are still young and need to know that you can't just write anything that you would not say face to face!

Sorry but at 10 they aren't 'entitled' to privacy much beyond the bathroom door!

Still very young and vulnerable, especially when it comes to social media and the internet. You need to keep an eye out - its just a different world than when we were kids. So many kids are cyber bullied - and that's on their own bedrooms, not the playground.

You say he does martial arts - at DSs dojo they put a lot of emphasis on respect and treating your family and friends properly, managing anger, being reasonsible, etc. Have a word with the sensei - not to pull him up in a class but to do a general talk to the class about respect and protecting your family.

Hope it goes OK, op. Remember don't put dad down - keep above it .

The posters saying that a 10 year old needs a private space to call his mother a piece of shit need their heads examined. I despair of the next generation.

I agree goodnight it's bizarre .

Private space to vent? Oh please that's the most stupid thing I've read. He needs to be punished for that. How dare he speaks about his mother like that. No wonder some children turn out like horrors if they are given excuses like this.

I'm much older than ten and I don't even get a place to vent. Oh actually I do, that'll be mumsnet then.

My Ex is a total PITA and we regularly disagree with each other (in private). However neither of us would allow our child to disrespect the other parent. It isn't acceptable for your DS to be texting that about you to another parent. It's the classic playing each parent off against each other whilst your DS remains in the middle knowing he can use you both. The problem is to tackle this you have to stand together with your Ex DH and continue to parent together - which is impossible if your Ex is playing the Disney dad card.

A Chat with the kungfu teacher would be good though - can't imagine he'd be impressed with that type of behaviour or attitude tbh.

Try and have a chat with your Ex too- if he does agree with you that the behaviour was unacceptable then that's great - and plan what should happen if DS repeats this behaviour. Punishment should be from both parents. If your Ex just says it's not his problem then confiscation of the phone is the only way forward.

FWIW - my son gets privacy, with his friends on the playground or when at each other's houses. Privacy is not for mobile phones at this age. DS only had a mobile phone on the condition that I technically own the handset and contract and can check it at any point.

DS has in turn been mostly sensible with his phone and isn't texting abusive language to either his friends or his family.

Until he finances his phone himself it's not private.

A 10 yo will be subject To spot checks as and when a parent wants to.

The father is an idiot, that's why he's no longer in the home.

A 10yo should not use the space and freedom they have been given to swear about those who have sodding well given him that freedom. And pay for other phone.

Take it off him full stop. Until he shows he has some appreciation for what you do for him and how being nice to people achieves way more than calling his mother a piece of shit.

My ds is 10. It'd break my heart if I saw that from him.

People think a 10 year old child should have privacy from their parents on their smartphone? Like, actually seriously?
That'll be paedophile grooming heaven then.

I have a 10 year old - he has behavioural and emotional problems and I would be and if he were to refer to anyone as "a piece of shit" and I would want to know where he picked that little gem up from.

If my DS was not OK with me checking his phone and tablet and internet history from time to time then he wouldn't have the bloody things. It wouldn't be safe!

Just asked DS what he thinks about this. He's 11 and is watching a programme about bullying. He was horrified. He said a parent would be justified in chucking the phone out.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

There's no way in hell my dc's will be having privacy on a phone, tablet, laptop or whatever until they are well into their teens!

I am aghast that some Mumsnetters think that this is acceptable for a young child, it is not acceptable for him to use language like that towards his mother, and yes as his mother presumably finances his phone, she has every right to confiscate it and quite rightly so. There are lots of acceptable ways he can vent, slagging his mum off to his dad is not one of them. His dad should pull him up on it too.