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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD - fellow wedding guest wants my dress!

277 replies

TheSeptemberIssue · 08/02/2016 13:14

Went on a hen do last weekend for a friends wedding. There were a few of us there, one being a woman I've met a few times before. She's lovely, we got on great etc....

I mentioned that I'd found the dress I was going to buy for the wedding, and showed it to her online. It's from a plus size website despite me being a size 14 (is that plus size??).

Got a message yesterday from this woman asking if I'd consider changing my dress choice. She is probably a size 22/24 and was saying she finds it really hard to find clothes that fit and look nice on her and she's been feeling really anxious about the wedding because of this. Turns out she's ordered the dress, it fits and she loves it. It was a very nice messaging but I'm still a bit - hmmmmmm because I love it too!

Fortunately I haven't ordered it (was waiting for payday at the end of this month) so I can change my mind but I'm not sure I want to. Just because I'm a smaller size, doesn't mean I don't have similar dress worries and anxiety about looking nice!

WWYD?

OP posts:
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Gobbolino6 · 08/02/2016 16:21

I think it's very rude and childish of her, and I say that as an anxious size 24 woman who understands her feelings only too well.

It would be a kind gesture but I wouldn't feel under any obligation.

LeaLeander · 08/02/2016 16:22

*I wouldn't have the slightest issue with someone wearing the same outfit to a wedding, but - regardless of the other woman's body size or anxiety - I think that asking someone not to buy a special occasion dress they've already selected and shown you is pretty entitled, rather than 'brave'.

Sending an email in an effort to 'reserve' a dress someone else has already chosen for an occasion isn't the behaviour of an anxious, timorous person. Or, if it is, it's the action of an anxious person who thinks that her anxiety and difficulty in choosing a dress can legitimately be made someone else's business. It might be different if the two were close friends, but they've only met a few times, and though they get on, it's not a friendship where the other person has any reasonable grounds for asking the OP not to do something.*

^^This.

JessieMcJessie · 08/02/2016 16:30

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NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/02/2016 16:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 08/02/2016 16:46

Honestly OP she sounds really cheeky and I don't think I'd have been as nice as you.

Presumably the website that you got the dress from has other formal dresses that she could have picked from and in her position that's what I would have done, not picked the same diggity darn dress that you already said you were going to wear.

I'm a size 14 and whilst I appreciate this gives me more choice than a size 22 , I still shop carefully and spend time looking for something that flatters my figure and that I would enjoy wearing on a special occasion. If I'd managed to select such a dress I'd be really annoyed if - whilst chatting to a nice new person - they then decided that's what they were going to wear.

Ameliablue · 08/02/2016 16:47

It is a bit cheeky of her but as she has bought it i'd probably just wear something else.

NewLife4Me · 08/02/2016 16:47

Jessie

Cheers, many thanks.
I wasn't the one who used words like bigger or fatter Shock
I just said I wouldn't change and I wouldn't.
I do believe the woman is self centred as she hasn'rt considered the OP, just that she wants the dress.

honeyroar · 08/02/2016 16:50

Yes I can see how it's horrible trying to find clothes that look good when you're bigger (I speak from experience), and it will be easier for you to find something else than her. HOWEVER I think she is really cheeky and underhand in what she's done. I would email her back and say you're slightly/really upset at what she's done and wish you'd never shown her the dress you loved. I would say that you will have a look for other dresses but won't promise anything as that dress made you look superb and if you can't find anything better you will still be wearing it - because after all, you saw it first. I would also be tempted to ask if she would like to know what present you're buying the bride and groom so she can copy that too!

Tywinlannister · 08/02/2016 16:53

I've been a 20 before. I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to change - I would have noted the website and picked something else from there if I liked their designs. Yes it's hard as a plus size (much easier nowadays) but being big was my problem, no one else's. I feel for her, having been there myself, but I just could not ask that of someone else.

You've been very gracious to change OP. Maybe you could still have the dress for another occasion?

LovelyFriend · 08/02/2016 16:56

the only reason she even knows about this dress is because the OP said to her (at the HEN party) "I've chosen my dress for the wedding - here it is, take a look", and then the cheeky mare goes and buys it and then messages the OP to say "I've bought the same dress as you - would you mind changing your plans re what to wear to the wedding?"

FFS - in who's world is that a "nice" or even "acceptable" thing to do?

It is really dreadful behaviour IMO, especially as the wedding can't be too far off as this happened at the hen.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 08/02/2016 16:58

I'd wear it - I wouldn't worry if someone was wearing the same dress as me and if she's bothered about it she can find something else.

ouryve · 08/02/2016 17:04

I'm a 14 and can often spend several days becoming more and more despondent before I find something that looks good on me. So what if the OP supposedly has more choices? The other guest had a bit of a cheek copying her.

diddl · 08/02/2016 17:05

Wonder what would happen if OP said no, that she has the dress & also loves it & so will wear it?

Hopefully Op is busy looking for something if she has decided against wearing it.

Perhaps if you do a link, Op, people can make suggestions.

MangoBiscuit · 08/02/2016 17:06

You could always tell her that you've already ordered yours, but that you'll have a look and see if you can find something else you like. If you manage to replace it, you'll her know.

I think it's very poor form from her, who the hell does something like that? Then messages you with a woest me, to try to ensure you don't turn up in the same dress. Bloody cheek.

In your shoes, if I said I'd find something else, then didn't manage to, I'd feel stressed about it, and very resentful.

LagunaBubbles · 08/02/2016 17:13

No way would she wear it if your a size 14 and she's a 22 Grin

I do agree that its not right she went ahead and ordered the dress but this sounds a bit mean, especially with the grinny face as if its funny. Why wouldn't she wear it if she feels good in it, even after finding out OP still intends to wear it to, what do you mean?

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2016 17:15

bit cheeky of other woman and assume as had hen do that the weeding is soon so not long for you to find a new outfit

if you really like the dress i would be tempted to say, sorry ive already brought it and taken tags off etc

can you cope knowing she will be wearing the same dress?

is it distinctive?

friend and i went to a wedding met a woman in the toilet with same dress as friend, friend was omg and thought everyone at the wedding would notice it - which i must admit i/we did

have been to another wedding last year when 2 wore the same pattern but one was knee and other was long so slightly diff

NoCapes · 08/02/2016 17:16

I want to see the dress!
Come on OP

tomatodizzy · 08/02/2016 17:21

Come on OP we all want to see the dress. Then by the powers of mumsnet we can help her find an alternative dress and a brass necklace

Andthentherewasmum · 08/02/2016 17:30

I must be a softie but I'd probably just magnanimous about it. It may have taken a lot of guts to tell you about her size issues so I'd think in the big scheme of things I've actually made someone else feel a little bit better about themselves.

MissingPanda · 08/02/2016 17:32

I'm neither a size 14 or 22/24 but I remember a few years ago I was looking for a dress for my graduation. Despite there seemingly being hundreds of dresses in the shops it took me several shopping trips before I found something that made me look, and more importantly feel, good. Dependent on how close the wedding is the OP may not have much time to find something else she likes, looks and feels good in.

OP if I were you I'd order this dress but also continue to look for another dress. If this one turns out not to be as good as you thought then hopefully you'll have another option. If it does then I'd consider wearing it, there's no reason why you shouldn't. In the meantime I would answer her text saying you can't guarantee that you won't wear it because you may not find a suitable alternative in time. That way it's up to her to decide whether or not to wear hers knowing she may be wearing the same dress as you.

Can we have a link to this dress? I have to admit to being curious to see it now.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/02/2016 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 08/02/2016 17:37

Yes come on OP let's move having a look. We can all get on the case and try to find one even nicer.

I'm possibly being flippant as actually I'm in the midst of trying to find a dress for a wedding and honestly it's nearly impossible to find something decent in the shops at the moment.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 08/02/2016 17:38

Typo. 'let's be having a look'

Andthentherewasmum · 08/02/2016 17:43

a dress is a dress. Not something I'd get hung up on. It's not like she's wearing a matching wedding dress Grin

I can think of many more things to get stressed about. Maybe it's just me but honestly I wouldn't be that bothered.

I'm obviously in the minority!

Remember though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Bunbaker · 08/02/2016 17:44

You and me both Andthen. I am totally failing to see what the issue is here.