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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child and be done with it

402 replies

greenkitee · 01/02/2016 16:03

I need to have a section with any other baby I have, I don't particularly like the thought of this and would love to avoid it but unfortunately cannot avoid it.

But I would like to start toning up my belly, should I just have another baby and tone up after? Or tone up for nothing as will need a section anyway

I'm currently on JSA, but I do work 16 hour so will be able to save from my work.

Should I just get child baring over and done with?

OP posts:
maddening · 01/02/2016 23:48

you could both do cleaning pt and you could pick up a course also - if you can't drive then the instructor job is a bit far off but how about an access course of a diploma - build up your cv.

as for the tummy muscles - good muscles will heal better so go for it.

TheHiphopopotamus · 02/02/2016 00:13

But one step at a time. Too much will overwhelm her

And you know this how?

What the OP and her partner need is a kick up the backside.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 02/02/2016 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liinyo · 02/02/2016 00:45

It is never a waste to get fit/tone up - muscle memory is a real thing and it is much easier to regain previous fitness levels than to attain new levels, particularly after surgery.

On the other hand, there are never 'good' reasons to have a baby. If you have any doubt, the answer is probably 'not just now'. You are really young and have at least 16 years before there is any sense of urgency. Enjoy your life and the baby you have and worry about another one when the right time comes..,and you will know when that is.

figureofspeech · 02/02/2016 03:54

Seriously hold on having another child and retrain/ go back to college and find a stable job with paid maternity leave. 21 is so young and it's easier to return to education / training with 1 child than with 2.

What kind of career interests you? You would be providing your children a positive and more financially stable upbringing if you establish a career now. Have a look at a careers guide to see what interests you & find out what you need to do to qualify.

jobs.mumsnet.com/jobs/

www.theguardian.com/careers
www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses.
You could do a couple of free courses with the OU before switching to an accredited course. It will help build up your confidence & self esteem.

Have a look on your local council website jobs page, they usually advertise jobs in schools & other public institutions. See what's available, look at entry level posts that you can work your way up.

Establish a career, ditch your partner and earn more money by eventually getting yourself off benefits.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 02/02/2016 05:22

But one step at a time. Too much will overwhelm her

And you know this how?

I agree. No one on here other than OP knows this.

Fairylea · 02/02/2016 06:38

You'd be mad to have a baby with a dh who only does an unpaid 12 hour a week course and who has no drive to go and get a proper job. If you find working difficult with one child you will have no hope whatsoever with two. Sorry but that's the reality unless you have unlimited funds for childcare or relatives who can help. The logistics and cost of childcare for two children, even with tax credits helping, is incredibly difficult.

With one child you have more options - I returned to work as single parent when my dd was 4 months old - not ideal but I needed the money and used tax credits to fund the nursery fees. This was in London and I used to get two buses to nursery every day and then a bus to work, for a fairly low paid retail job. I think once everything was paid I was about £20 a week better off if that but long term it gave me experience and opened doors career wise.

My dd is 13 now and in the years between I'd managed to work my way up to quite a good job. I then met and married my dh and we have a son together and I was for the first time able to become a stay at home mum as dh had a stable job and we were married (so financially I would be okay if he left legally).

You're in a very vulnerable position and your self esteem is very low if you don't see a way out of this apart from having another baby. Your dh should not be mentioning your weight. At all. He should be supporting you in every way he can and be desperate to get paid work to provide a good example to your child.

I had my dd two years older than you and looking back now I realise how young I was, time goes so quickly make sure you make the most of being so young and able to retrain / work etc. Working with one young nursery aged child is a doddle compared to working with two children or with a school aged child that you have to arrange childcare for around school.

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 02/02/2016 07:12

I find this thread shocking, like a lifestyle choice

I became a single parent from the birth of my DD nearly 3.5 years ago. My partner left me homeless and jobless. I got back on my feet, my parents helped a bit. I got on a college course, I found us a house, I got a job, I even am now at uni studying to be a nurse and i work.
I applied for every grant going, every bit of help and DD doesn't see her dad. I'm.26 now. College and work were doing on 16 hours childcare and begging friends

It's do able it really really is, you can do most things if you put your mind to it.

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 02/02/2016 07:14

If you got a full time job you would get working tax credits,

Look at access courses- there's childcare grants

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 02/02/2016 07:16

Your responses don't sound like you don't want to be on benefits. You need to help yourself I've been there

The job centres are useless you have to get on the Internet and dig and dig to find out stuff

Dreamonastar · 02/02/2016 07:23

It's fair to say Op doesn't want to be on benefits but it's also fair to say that she doesn't really want to work (and 16 hours a week is nothing.)

OP can't change her partner and all this shouting about 'tell him to ...' - I can't see her saying "leave this course and get a job" and him meekly saying "yes dear."

I think she needs to worry about herself. It sounds like she has few qualifications but even so, she'd be better off working than on JSA.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 07:42

TheHippopotamus

You can tell by her responses! A "kick up the backside" is rarely about helping the person and more about you being smug and looking down on someone. Get over yourself.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 02/02/2016 07:46

A "kick up the backside" is rarely about helping the person and more about you being smug and looking down on someone. Get over yourself.

In your opinion. For some it does work.

Maybe you should also 'get over yourself' Hmm

Shutthatdoor · 02/02/2016 07:47

It's fair to say Op doesn't want to be on benefits but it's also fair to say that she doesn't really want to work (and 16 hours a week is nothing)

I agree.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 07:48

Not most of the time it just makes the other person feel shit. And doesn't do anything productive.

Better to actually help them

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 02/02/2016 07:51

Tbf the OPs DP needs to sort himself out.

He doesn't look after his DC, doesn't work, makes rude comments about the OP appearance. He just does a 12 hour per week course.

Dreamonastar · 02/02/2016 07:52

Do you know what Cats I would normally agree with you, but what do you think people should suggest?

I can tell you now that it's far easier to escape a knob with no children at all but once you have the,, the more you have the harder it is to get away.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 08:05

Dream help her figure out what she's good at and what she enjoys, give her career ideas based off this, advise her where she can get qualifications and encourage her.

Not make her feel crap. Also slagging off her partner will just annoy her. I was in a relationship with a violent man and it fell on deaf ears until I was ready to leave.

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 02/02/2016 08:10

Would you like careers advice op as I can help you

Nottodaythankyouorever · 02/02/2016 08:14

Also slagging off her partner will just annoy her

So you want posters to agree that the OP should have another child with her workshy DP? Tell her he is the best thing since sliced bread?

Dreamonastar · 02/02/2016 08:16

Yeah but Cats it's possible to figure out what you're good at and what you enjoy while you are working!

OP has already said she wants to be a driving instructor. Lovely - except

She can't drive
She (presumably) can't afford a car
She has a young child

It's great to have things to work towards but there is no WAY we can blithely say 'oh great, do that then!' There's a long road to travel before that dream is a remote possibility, and that road needs to be paved with if not gold at least a fair old wad!

To be honest the driving instructor thing sounds another way of delaying work; OP knows it isn't possible for the foreseeable anyway!

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 08:26

Not there's a middle ground

Dream so she should work on what it is she wants in the time she has off. Get the qualifications she needs, work out the practicalities.

ClashCityRocker · 02/02/2016 08:27

OP, I'm a little concerned that you find your partner's attitude acceptable.

He's told you you're podgy? To the extent that it's making you question the timing of having a baby?

His course is 12 hours over three days, so he's not even doing full days. Whilst I'm all for doing courses for the sake of having a passion or interest in it, it seems unlikely to lead to paid employment - so it is essentially a hobby.

A hobby shouldn't take the place of supporting your family, but even that aside, it leaves plenty of time for him to get a job - evenings, weekends, so you don't have to fund childcare. I say this as someone who currently studies 20 hours a week on top of FT work - a not unusual situation for people who wish to take on courses as an adult. Or, of course, you could do more hours around the times when he wasn't on the course and he was available to look after the child.

It sounds like you don't like the idea of being 'stuck' on benefits but you may find it far more difficult to get a job later on. And you will have two lots of childcare to find. I think I would be wanting to wait until your partner had a job - and you know what, very few people have their dream jobs. Such is life.

Hospital radio tends to be voluntary round this way - they already have more volunteers than they can use. And whilst voluntary work can be valuable experience, how much of your life are you going to sacrifice whilst he prats about? Sadly not working so one can 'follow the dream' is not an option for 99% of the population - particularly with a young family to support...and to be honest, the fact that it's only a twelve hour course makes me think it's more of an excuse not to work than anything else.

glueandstick · 02/02/2016 08:29

This makes me so angry. Between my husband and I we work more than 16 hours A DAY. This will continue when the baby arrives (thankfully both have the option of working from home and I'm very flexible) because we have bills to pay and a child to support.

And masses and masses of tax to pay to support those who choose not to do anything productive. We all have dreams but most have to be lived in the time that isn't taken up looking after the family. We have all taken jobs that aren't ideal to put food on the table and heat in a home. If you want more, you work harder.

As harsh as that sounds it is the reality of life.

ClashCityRocker · 02/02/2016 08:29

I do think cat makes a fair point.

OP, what would you like to do with your life?

and is your DP going to run the home, look after the kids and work whilst your pursue this's