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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

347 replies

PinkFairy22 · 01/02/2016 12:55

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

OP posts:
WhirlyTwos · 01/02/2016 17:20

Very awkward situation. I'd be very surprised if the house owners didn't know their S(IL) & D(IL) have now planned to join you.

One or two good text suggestions on this thread, but the ones that suggest you lie by "taking PILs" or "only having one week free as a family" are poor form and you will be spotted for a liar.

Honesty and good grace are the best policies here, you either need to explain that while you love your friends dearly, you really just wanted time alone as a family and so have now planned a different break and need to cancel, or just go and enjoy it.

After all, it's not the only week you'll get as a family all year is it? And if you like these friends, as you say you do, you may well really enjoy it if you go with an open mind.

But trying to play your friends off against their own parents (IL) to get the current arrangement altered back would go badly for you, I have no doubt.

OttiliaVonBCup · 01/02/2016 17:21

Having said that my best holidays have been staying with friends in their cottage, just going along with everything.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 01/02/2016 17:26

I dont think its a holiday with friends or not issue
some friends you would - some you wouldn’t

but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

this from the op dosnt describe the kind of relationship that would inspire me to think that it will work

crispytruffle · 01/02/2016 17:27

I wouldn't say I've invited other family members that's a bit cheeky. They've probably done it on purpose so that you do drop out. They probably wanted it over Easter and one way to get you not to go is to say they will share it with you! I know I would pull out!

Berthatydfil · 01/02/2016 17:29

This could be a nightmare as they could be all territorial as to who gets what bedroom etc communal cooking etc or it could be great.

Twinklestein · 01/02/2016 17:31

I'm honestly surprised at the number of people who find it difficult to holiday with other families.

Is this all really such a big deal?

Sure, it's disappointing that you don't have the house to yourself but it's not a disaster.

MyAutumnAlmanac · 01/02/2016 17:37

Are you quite extroverted and socially relaxed, Twinkle?

eddielizzard · 01/02/2016 17:42

text back: 'haha funny one.'

Postchildrenpregranny · 01/02/2016 17:45

Have spent holidays in Cornwall for the majority of the last 35 years We have almost always had better weather at Easter than in July/August .

MissingPanda · 01/02/2016 17:47

YANBU Personally I'd cancel. If I wanted to go on holiday with friends then I'd arrange a holiday with friends. If I haven't done so then I don't want to and would rather cancel and go elsewhere.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 17:49

'I'm honestly surprised at the number of people who find it difficult to holiday with other families.

Is this all really such a big deal?'

Yes, it is for some people. Some people have tried it and really don't like it.

rookiemere · 01/02/2016 17:51

To be fair to the friends, they might be the type of people who genuinely enjoy sharing holidays with friends and thought the DCs play together, we know there's enough room for everyone, what could be more fun?

Except that's not the way that OP and her family roll and by friend crashing in she has lost her free holiday.

We do shared holidays, I enjoy them as DS is an only so it's great for him to have company and it's fun to have shared experiences, but I can't pretend that they don't come without their little instances of irksomeness. Always some niggles about who does what, who pays for what etc. etc. I don't find them as relaxing as being on their own and most importantly it's something that we have chosen to do.

OP may or may not enjoy it, but a) it's not what she thought she was getting and b) it's not what they want to do as a family. Nothing to do with being introverted/extroverted, she just wants to spend time with her DH and DC on their own. Don't see what's so wrong with that.

So yes OP don't invent or pretend, just say that you were looking forward to spending time together recharging batteries with just the 3 of you as DH works long hours, so as this is different from what you thought, it's better that you bow out, but thanks for their kind offer.

AyeAmarok · 01/02/2016 17:51

I'd text saying

"oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had already arranged that week to go, you must think we've been really presumptuous gatecrashing your family holiday, I'm sorry".

See what she says...

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 17:57

She'll come back with 'Oh, no bother at all!' Aye, as she seems the type who enjoys holidaying with another family.

FarrowandBallAche · 01/02/2016 17:58

Aye she will just say ' no it's fine the more the merrier '

The parents will have told them that they have let the OP have the house for the week and the friends have thought ' sod that I want to go too '

AgathaF · 01/02/2016 18:00

Can you just pre-warn them that you prefer to spend the days and evenings just as a family together, and suggest that you each cater individually for your own families. Put a positive slant on it and then get planning stuff to do away from them. Then when you're there, if they try to spend too much time with you you can say that you'd already mentioned that you prefer to not mix with others too much as you wanted a complete break.

SuburbanRhonda · 01/02/2016 18:01

I never understand why, when the OP has clearly stated she doesn't want to go on holiday with these people, people post "I love going on holiday with friends! Why wouldn't you?"

It's irrelevant what other people like. The OP doesn't like.

AyeAmarok · 01/02/2016 18:02

Probably, but there's a chance it may make her think "oh, OP thinks it is a problem that she thinks she's done what I have done... Maybe I should have asked".

But you're probably both right, I don't think she'd get the subtleties!

rookiemere · 01/02/2016 18:04

Also the more I think about it, even as one who does do shared holidays, the dynamics are off.

This is not a shared holiday home where you've all paid an equal share. This is their parent's home and they could be viewing you as somehow owing them a little bit by being there for free and might therefore feel entitled to nab the best bedrooms, expect you to do a little more of the housework etc. etc.

They may not do this consciously but it just makes everything a little less equal.

Don't see the point of pussyfooting around. It's not going to work for you OP so just say so.

It's a bit like we enjoy going to Centre Parks with some friends (staying in separate lodges mind, it was a disaster the time we shared), I mentioned it to another friend and you'd have thought I suggested that she stick slugs up her bottom from the look she gave me, eventually she came out with " I don't think that Centre Parks would suit our family at all." so I just left it. Point is your friends obviously enjoy sharing, you don't so just tell them and I'm afraid you may well lose out on your free week which is a real shame, but better than a week of clenching.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 18:07

'Then when you're there, if they try to spend too much time with you you can say that you'd already mentioned that you prefer to not mix with others too much as you wanted a complete break.'

That would be stunningly rude. Better to say you wanted a complete break before, you misunderstood the invitation so will be declining.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/02/2016 18:10

It's irrelevant what other people like. The OP doesn't like

Exactly.

Postchildrenpregranny · 01/02/2016 18:13

I think a lot depends on how big the house really is-if it is huge and has at least two bathrooms and two 'sitting' rooms it would make life easier.
And if you intend/can afford/your children are old enough ,to eat out most of the time .A couple of shared evenings with fish and chips or a delivered pizza would be OK. And joint catering/a kitty for breakfast would be workable.
I've shared holidays with friends but before we had children/after our kids had flown. A lot depends on your 'lifesyle' (we aren't great TV watchers for example). And it would be my idea of hell having to bite my tongue at someone else's parenting style ... or fussy eaters .
It also depends whether you could actually afford a holiday at all if this week weren't on offer . If not I'd go for it ,with a plan to bail out after 4 days or so if it's awful. But I would be annoyed .

Jux · 01/02/2016 18:15

Send them a list of allergens and ask them to be sure they don't have soap, shampoo, cosmetics, food, clothes etc with any of those things in. Grin

Or do what whois or rhi suggests.

potoftea · 01/02/2016 18:22

If your friends wanted to have a holiday with you then why have they never invited you there before? At least you'd know what the offer was. Now they've gatecrashed your holiday instead.
The fact that its their family holiday home would totally put me off. Sharing a neutral place is one thing, but they have some ownership of this house as its their parent's. So you will be outsiders and visitors, not equal. I'd decline the holiday and explain how we don't like to holiday with other's as we find it changes friendships. They'll think you have some previous experience.

eatyouwithaspoon · 01/02/2016 18:22

Crikey what an awkward situation, I think I would go with Aye and if they say the mors the merrier just be honest and say its not for you

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