Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

Sorry - didn't read the update.
Let her go.

I had a friend who said "moving swiftly on" when I talked about my brother.
There is no way forward with this person right now.

I think if the bride is causing you such pain with her comments and decisions, you are better off without her in your life. No matter who is right or wrong or whatever the case, nothing is worth hurting you like you are hurting with this situation. Take a step back, focus on other friendships, and be gentle with yourself.

I thought you were being unfair to her in your annoyance at her setting up the WhatsApp groupware a time she didn't know was such bad timing.

But she's very self-absorbed and cruel with the rest. Maybe just let her go OP.

I'm glad the bridesmaid understands.

I;m sorry to hear about your brothers sudden death and how it is affecting you however I think the issue is yours not theirs. Regarding hen nights unless you are fully in the zone so to speak and unless its yours they are not huge amounts of fun. If it was to a nightclub that you feel difficult about going then just don't go. Take your friend out to lunch or do another activity that you'll both enjoy. Invite the bridesmaid too if that's easier.

I'd say to her, it sounds wonderful have a great evening, I'll make it if I can- but if you really don't feel you want to then just don't.

As you say if she's a good friend she'll understand and you'll be at the wedding to join in the celebrations etc and that will be enough for her.

I still think yabu, sorry.

I feel a bit sorry for the bride, tbh. She just wants to celebrate with the people she cares about

I agree.

I'm sorry you can't be there OP, but I can't blame the bride.

She sounds very unpleasant. Key being that when you left the message you were polite, and didn't force your feelingns on her. She then pursued you, and was very callous in her expressions. This tells you a lot about her tbh.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. And I don't agree that you are being selfish or self centred. Your best friend wants you to show up on a date with a huge wide grin on your face and be happy. For her. She doesn't give a shite it's the same day as your dead brother's birthday and you just can't ACT happy for her sake on this particular day.

No, she can't live her life around significant anniversaries for others and she can have her hen do when she pleases. But she can't expect you to pretend to be happy on a day you know will be incredibly sad.

If I had made a massive faux pas and organised something on a date which upset one of my oldest and closest friends I would firstly apologise, then tell the friend I would do what I could to rearrange and what was her availability in case I could, then try and rearrange, then if really not possible I would recontact friend and apologise and not invite her to a WhatsApp group discussing the thing that upset her in the first place.

I get the whole 'you're taking this too personally' but who can tell someone how they should or shouldn't be grieving for their brother? I know the bride and bridesmaid didn't do it deliberately but when they realised what they'd done they could have at least tried to make amends. Or been sincere in apologising for the mistake.

I'm sorry this has turned out shit OP. I genuinely believe weddings bring out both the best and worst in people. My 'best' friend didn't even bother coming to mine or our other best friend's wedding. She couldn't fit it into her diary despite 18 months notice So friends can be really shit when it comes to weddings. I hope you realise you've not lost a friend but gained perspective

She sounds very unpleasant have you not read the OP's opening post? The fact that the op only got through med school with her support after her brother died? How she's always been there for her? Unpleasant is the last word I'd have for her.

She has been there for you through the hard times, you say you turn to her when there is a drama in your life - is she able to turn to you too? This is one time she wants her friends to celebrate with her, and if they can't, bowing out gracefully is the next best thing. Recent updates don't sound great but I wonder if she's just had enough. You don't want to lose your best friend.
I have lost a sibling, I know how hard it is, but I really don't think you are being rational here.

I don't see how it is a "massive faux pas" peps, you really cannot tell how significant certain dates are to a bereaved person, or remember every one of them.

Sorry pegs not peps

OP have I got this right
The real issue now is that the bride is showing no understanding of why that date doesn't work for you
I appreciate arrangements have to be made to suit others but I sense that she's not given your issue any sympathy after the event, is that a fair summary?

She can't expect to pack up feelings and put on a show. The dates be unavoidable but if you aren't up to it then of course you can't go.

That's what I mean Rain If I'd organised something on a significant date accidentally I'd call it a faux pas. It's more than an 'oops' but less than a 'shitting hell what have a done'

You see, to me you sound incredibly selfish. And I know that's the nature of the beast with depression but you have managed to make both her hens and her wedding about you and your upset.

You probably weren't asked to the planning coffee because you're so busy with your career.

You might not even go to her wedding!

You could barely speak with upset two weeks later when BM tried to discuss it with you.

You were upset that she messaged you when you were praying (how would she know that??)

Earlier you said there weren't any day activities you could do and you would have done that because it was the club you had a problem with, but there are activities and that still wasn't good enough for you!

I'm sorry. I'm sure that seems really harsh all written together but the poor bride; she's not unpleasant or horrible because she wanted to organise her hen party. You have no idea what anyone else's availability is.

And now you've soured your longstanding friendship and for what?

There are 365 (6) days a year, 52 weekends.

Without a doubt there would have been another available date.

The problem with bridezillas is that absolutely everything must revolve around them, the anniversary of your brothers death absolutely does not revolve around her, cue insensitive kicking back from the bridezilla.

I'm in the fortunate position of having never lost a sibling- I've come close, I can tell you now I would be on my knees devestated and my friends would care enough that anniversarys would be about them until I felt I could move past that.. Because they are my friends, not self absorbed twats.

You can't change this situation, only how you deal with it and I suggest, as PP's have that you find something that helps you on that date.

This woman is no friend to you and one day she will grow up and realise how hurtful her behaviour was.

whocansay
I know they are close friends. I have not personally suggested that the bride is a terrible person, I just can't get why she would send a text saying "oh well there'll be other nights out" indicating her understanding of the situation but then get stroppy at the OP leaving a whatsapp group for something she already knew OP wasn't going to, then sending a letter re the hotel etc as if it's OPs problem that she's paid £700. Thoughtless at best.

Every year I spend some quiet time remembering the date of my Nannas death. I took the phone call, I had to tell my mother that her beloved mother had passed. We mark it together. Whilst neither of us expect the world to stop, if we do make people aware that we can't attend events, then it would be crass and insensitive for those people to keep sending me me me messages.

The whatsapp could be a faux pas to be fair. Yes - she was told but she probably went through her contacts and automatically added names. She sould not have shelled out money for any "maybes" that were given, especially not if she had been made aware of the reasons why. She's deifnately gone over the line, done a couple of cartwheels and made things even worse by the messages afterwards. YANBU - yes she might be disappointed you can't come but you've made your apologies and left the conversation. She should have left it at that.

Don't even get me started on paying out extortionate amounts of money for an entire weekend in hotel for a hen party...,,

op

YANBU. There is no way on god's green earth I would ever treat a friend in this way. Regardless if I was getting married or jetting off to the moon!

Can you access an Occupational Health councillor for help during this difficult time?

Thank you for all your comments - I was posting more to complete the story rather than prompt further debate about AIBU or not.

I know full well that my depression (which is now much better :) ) has played a part in all this but I am focusing on a positive mental state and trying to exercise more which is really helping.

Why was I so upset initially?

Because I thought the Bride would at least apologise and be nice about it. I didn't expect her to write me such a loaded letter, expect me to still attend her hen do regardless and completely ignore my grief.

Why am I not upset anymore?
Because in the series of texts where I asked her about the hotel deposit she showed her true colours. I saw a completely different side to her that I never knew existed. Anybody in the context of a sudden death of a sibling can turn around and say "it's not my fault your life is so shit" is simply not a person I want in my life.

I am not invited to the wedding.

Do I mind? No

Do I wish her all the happiness in the world? Definitely

I will celebrate my brother's life with my boyfriend and family in July and continue to treasure my memories of him. Hopefully in time I will only remember these :)

OP "didn't expect her to write me such a loaded letter, expect me to still attend her hen do regardless and completely ignore my grief."

So my interpretation was right. Honestly think some posters are a bit confused abd have missed that part.

Oh, hell. Initially, let's be honest, you were sounding unreasonable. And the bride was not going to remember the date of your db's anniversary: that was a horribly unfortunate accident, not in any way a deliberate slight to his memory. But guilt tripping you over the date, when you have explained why you just cannot do it? That is seriously not on.

More to the point, I'm a bit worried about you. I hope you still have access to a counsellor? And hopefully something ressembling decent health care for your depression, with sensitivities to the complexities of providing decent, discreet services to a colleague? Because you clearly still have some struggles and with the flashbacks I would almost wonder about PTSD.

I am, frankly, in awe that you made it through med school whilst dealing with such a loss. And the foundation years are tough. The 4 month rotations seem designed to stop you being part of the support mechanism of a team, and heaven help you if you get rotated away from your social support as well (as so often happens). And yet you've made it this far. You've got your common surgical training application done, you've presumably got most stuff sorted for your next ARCP. During a time with disintergrating rotas, plummeting morale, and a SoS for health who frankly could be outperformed by a rabid weasel.

Please, try to shift your focus. You are a survivor. You have a lot on your plate, and a hectic future, but still you are managing to hold it together for work. You have pretty much taken the GMbloodyC's definition of resilience, rolled it into a large spikey tube, and shoved it so far up their arse that you'd need a flex siggy to even see it. Please, don't let this woman going a bit bridezilla on you wreck the awesomeness that is you. Wipe your arse with her letter, and flush it away.

But if you can't. If this is making you spiral, please, please, ask for help. Before you start your so wanted surgical rotation. because you want to hit that running, with your game face on. And the exam results will seem like a big thing still now, but you would be amazed how many of us have scraped through one bit, or resat another. The longer ago med school becomes, the more people are interested in what you have done as a doctor, not a student. Much, as it happens, to my personal relief....

'Massive faux pas'
It's really not.

Op I'm sorry this has such a bad ending. I had a v similar falling out with a friend of 20 years and it also triggered depression in me.
I hope things get better soon.