Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

That's ok.

It really isnt a case of me trying to test my friendship with either the bride or bridesmaid. It is just a truly rubbish situation which I hoped to avoid :)

OP I'm so sorry for your loss . You have done amazingly well so far dealing with your loss and carrying on with your studies. Becoming a surgeon is just incredible.

I have several similarities to your case but don't want to derail thread but rather share my takeaways with the benefit of years of hindsight.

1. I had depression for eight years throughout studies. I have lots of friends and in general they were amazing, but this was THEIR time as well as mine, they were young and inexperienced and a few times they behaved thoughtlessly or almost cruelly. It is really, really hard to support other people and be caring all the time and maybe she is dropping the ball a bit this time, but it's not an imprisonable crime. One of my friends said to me once when I had talked to her about something quite bad she had done re me ending up left out of something quite significant: 'you are always such a perfect supportive friend but sometimes I can't live up to your standards'. I have ALWAYS remembered that and it has enabled me to just cut people slack over things that seem immensely important at the time (esp under depression's magnifying glass). I'm not saying that it's okay to be careless of people, but now that I'm 40ish, I'm really glad I didn't throw the baby out with the bath water with a couple of friends because of their bad judgement at 20.

1. Depression distorts and magnifies so much stuff. It's hell. You can never really tell what is reasonable or not, I always felt like I was seeing things in sharper focus and feeling things more acutely than others. I am SO glad I have been out the other side of it for fifteen years. I remember sitting with my best friend and thinking 'she really hates me under it all, I mean, everyone does' - she'd just made me her bridesmaid ffs! Euch, it was so painful and boring and time consuming having to analyse everything to try and work out the proportionate response! I really hope you too come out the other side soon, the burden must be intense.

1. Weddings... I don't know about other pp, but while I loved the parties and getting merry and catching up with people and of course seeing beloved friends tie the knot, in general, looking back, I found the five years of wedding season pretty hellish at times... So much drama and issues and thoughtlessness on all sides. The main thing I would say is that unfortunately a lot of weddings happen at a time of life when SO MUCH is going on in other people's lives. The nicest people become bridezillas or really insensitive, guests behave badly, money poems, destination weddings, thousand pound hens... I have refused to be bridesmaid again after my dearest friend became a mentalist bride and it irrevocably scarred our friendship... Had excited friends tell me about their engagement while I was sobbing down the phone about being dumped by the love of my life, mortally offended people by not going on their hen for vg reason, (they mentioned it 17 times at their wedding), chosen one destination wedding out of three as I could only afford one... Happy couple now divorced. I offended two people at least by not having any bridesmaids (ref:being scarred, see above), FORGOT to invite someone to mine ( mortified forever), had someone not turn up to my wedding party... I was v offended he didn't even rsvp - turns out he was so terribly English and beautifully mannered that he never mentioned not receiving his invitation thus thinking he was nfi! Honestly, all my various friends from different crowds are nice, professional people, weddings just breed drama! And it all just seems quite funny looking back!

I think your friend doesn't really care about her hen and is trying to be as kind to you as she can - after all, it would be awful if you were on here telling us she was saying 'I DON'T CARE IT'S MY HEN ALL ABOUT ME ME ME'. It really might be just a night for her, mine was for me, be careful of imbuing it with emotional significance it just might not have. I'd echo pp - take her out for luxury mani-pedi or dinner or whatever, give her a nice bottle of prosecco or champagne or with a card saying 'so sorry I'm not able to be there, hope you have a great night'. You NEVER regret rising above things and being gracious and in five years time you won't care at all.

Ledge I have completely nodded my way through your point 3. You're so right. Weddings to breed drama. People have so much to consider and so much pressure (both those getting married and the guests) and you can't please all of the people all of the time.

That's why I think you should really try to not take it personally OP. Just have a lovely dinner and catch up with your friend at a time when you're both free. No pressure that way on either of you.

Sorry about your db.

But I don't think there's any malice in this. You knew it's his birthday. They may have known it was round then. But I wouldn't expect them to remember the exact date.
I don't know birthdays of family members except my best friend's niece. U know that because she often phones me up a couple of weeks before to ask when dd1's birthday is and they share the date!

If you've ever tried to organise something to suit everyone you'll know how difficult it is. We've got mil's birthday celebration 10weeks late as that's the first weekend dh and all his siblings are free.

I suspect when you're hearing "they checked their availability" they just got something similar to you "are you free on that date?"

I've never been to a hen do or similar where it was anything but agreed with the bride and bm (and they can't necessarily all make it) and others invited to the decided date.

I really don't think it's fair to ask to alter. People may have swapped things round, made arrangements etc for that date. And what if you find someone else can't make it because of the change? Don't know about you, but I'd feel terrible if that happened.

I think the text actually was reasonably thoughtful. She's respecting you not wanting to come. If she didn't respect that she'd gave been trying to persuade you that it would be fine, you'd enjoy yourself anyway, and you should come for her sake.

I think the idea of inviting her to do something just you two is a nice one, and she'd probably really appreciate it.

I wasn't going to post again but having read ledges thoughtful post I wanted to say that it's absolutely spot on. This thread has really got me thinking.

First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. The loss of a close family member, so young and in such traumatic circumstances must be unbelievably painful.

I have lost immediate family too young from illness and I have and still do find it hard, but a nightclubbing death is just dreadful; so sudden and the awful juxtaposition of dying on what was meant to be a joyful occasion.

It is totally understandable that you have struggled and continue to struggle with mental health problems.

I think trauma and loss changes us forever, not neccessarily in a bad way, but I think there is a tendency to hanker for a return to feeling as we did before, and it can be hard to accept that has gone, that the new normal includes our distress.

However, with time and support, it is possible to contain the distress and find a way to continue a meaningful life, and to escape the grip of trauma.

You are not there yet, though. You need more time and support in reaching that point. It is great that you have the support of a counsellor, but I wonder whether you could benefit from some specialist help in coping with trauma? I had a treatment called EMDR which shifted my traumatic memories from intrusive to manageable. Just a thought.

Now to the hen do. I don't think your friends have been unreasonable but I do understand why you feel so dreadful.

Could you write to them? Explain that you'd dearly love to join the celebrations but that nightclubbing brings back awful memories for you and that to do so on your brother's birthday would be too hard. And perhaps, as suggested above, you could take the bride out for a pamper session or similar at another time. Explain that you didn't want to make the occasion about you hence first citing work commitments but you really value the friendship, want to be honest and also want to find a way to be there for her.

I hope you find a way through this. It seems so terribly unfair the way trauma and loss continues to hurt us even years down the track and in ways we never saw coming.

You and your friends sound like lovely people and I hope the hurt can be overcome.

Thanks for all the really good pointers.

I think it is safe to say that weddings are a minefield of emotions! Ledge is are so right!

Jerry Ferry I think you are right. There is a new normal now which is different from how I was before and that includes more distress than I would like to acknowledge! I am very much a glass half full type of person normally :)

Witchend with regards to availability with the other friends - it wasn't a quick text. They went out for coffee and cake and sat all afternoon planning potential dates, venues and themes. I think that I wasn't included in that clearly pivotal discussion has hurt me. I would have gone with bells on if asked!
The other friend who went assumed that the bridesmaid would have a similar catch up with me and was shocked to find that the bridesmaid hadn't been in touch at all!

I will await to see if the date is changed - if not I will just have to get it out of my system in someway and try to arrange another girly date with bride-to-be :)

Thanks for all your previous comments - sometime has passed now (over 2 months) since I last posted and things have developed in a way I never could have foreseen.

Having made my peace with the above, I was in a pretty good frame of mind when I last wrote. Less than a week later however, on the anniversary of his death and literally in the middle of me praying for him, Bride invites me to a whatsapp message with about 20 other people confirming the hen party on his birthday.

I was devastated - I politely left the group saying that I was unable to attend and hoped they had fun. I think it was the exact timing on the message which contributed to me being so upset. I cried constantly for 4 days. I just felt completely empty.

Bridesmaid called me after a few days but I was so upset I could barely speak. I tried to explain why I was so upset about it all but she didn't understand at all.

About 2 weeks later I received a letter in the post from the Bride. It was most insensitive thing I had ever read. She spoke about how she chose the date in a clinical manner and that she had now paid a non-refundable amount of £700 in hotel costs. It then went on to say …..

"hope you change your stance on this"

There was no acknowledgement about my grief in any sense. She even asked that I come to the day time activities and then just go to the hotel on my own when they go to the club.

I spoke to my boyfriend about it who calmly pointed out that the Bride might have booked the hotel before knowing it was his birthday so I should get more information before getting too upset. That it might just be a mistake that unfortunately is upsetting for me.

So I text her….

I won't write on here what exactly she said but basically "it isn't my fault your life is so shit" sums it up!

Upset even more that I could ever have imagined I wished her well and that I didn't want to communicate any further.

She has sent me several messages since - some accusing me of being selfish and trying to ruin her happiness. None have contained a sincere apology.

Why am I posting now? I have just seen on Facebook that she has sent her wedding invites out - mine is clearly lost in the post……

Just thought I would let you all know that unfortunately there isn't a happy ending in this case :(

On a positive note - the Bridesmaid does now understand and is completely gutted about the whole thing. So I do have one friend!

I'm sorry you are still in such a bad place emotionally, but that doesn't change the fact that - as virtually everyone over 8 pages - has said, you are taking this too personally.

on the anniversary of his death and literally in the middle of me praying for him, Bride invites me to a whatsapp message with about 20 other people confirming the hen party on his birthday

for example. How was she to know you were in the middle of praying for him ? Why hadn't you turned your phone off or left it in another room ? You can not make the bride out to be a bad person for any of that.

I too have lost a sibling.
I think about her often.
I miss her a great deal.
However I do not expect the rest of the world to arrange their lives around any anniversaries - be that of her birthday or her death or anything else. Life just isn't like that. Nor indeed, would she have expected me to not go to something because the date of something happened to be on what had been her birthday, or the day she died. I can think about her any day. Even if I did think my world had to stop on her birthday, I certainly don't expect other people to even remember the date, let alone avoid having their 'do' on those dates.

You are taking this way too personally.

So sorry to hear this Smiliestar87, Bridezilla does sound incredibly callous. Awful way to treat someone who is grieving.

I didn't actually mean to type "Bridezilla" then, I just meant to say "bride" - that'll teach me to proof read!

Oh dear that's a shame that it worked out so badly. I think you have taken it too personally. If there are 20 people going to the hen do then I think you were unreasonable to think they should change the date.

I also don't understand why the what'sapp message made you cry for 4 days. The bride won't have known you were praying.

Oh you poor thing. Your friend has become a bridezilla. To book the hen do on his birthday is one thing but to forget the significance of the date of the death is crass. She's not a good friend. Hope you can find peace OP.

I hope one day your ex friend (the bride) reads this thread and realises it's about her. What an awful insensitive way to behave.

Oh I'm so sorry. You are in so much pain.
But can you try to see that your mental health is clouding your judgement? Because you are depressed you are taking everything sooo personally and you can't see it from her point of view.

She has spent years supporting you after this awful thing happened. She has been there for you. She helped you get through medical school. Now she is getting married and there is just a few occasions which are all about her instead. She loves you and really wants you to be there, there for her on her special day. That's why she is so upset and said some ill though out things. I'm sure she didn't mean to be cruel, but people can be cruel when they feel upset and frustrated.

It is totally understandable if you never want to go to a nightclub ever again. But what about the idea she suggested of just going to the day stuff? That might be nice? You'd feel so much better if you can reach out to her and make up.

And don't text her. Talk to her!

Why are people saying OP is taking this too personally? She told the bride and bridesmaid she couldn't do that date and why, yet the bride invited her to a whatsapp group knowing she wasn't coming. Yes she couldn't help the timing, didn't know OP was praying etc but she shouldn't have sent it in the first place, and certainly shouldn't have written trying to railroad her into going and guilt trip her about the hotel costs.

She sounds like an awful person, OP I'm so sorry about your brother and how you've been treated by your 'friend'
Weddings turn people into selfish knob heads, I hope she looks back and feels awful at her lack of compassion

I'm so sorry smilie, what a crap way for things to work out. Give bridezilla a wide berth for a while.

Oh Smile.
I just read the whole thread not realising it was a few months old.
So sorry to read your update (and very sorry about the loss of your brother too).

I lost my mum in a very sudden and awful way, so I know the devastation that loss leaves behind. Other people are fortunate enough not to have felt that devastation....I think that while you can empathise, you can't ever really know until you've been there. I also suffer with depression. The bride sounds like she hasn't had to deal with either at this time.

Allow her her wedding, and graciously bow out of her life. At some point she will realise that she has behaved insensitively. Be brave. Accept the hurt, but try to work through it and then move on.

It will be incredibly damaging to you to hold on to the negativity. Do it for yourself.

Be kind to yourself now. X

Oh OP, this is so unfair and understandably devastating. Your friend has become bridezilla unfortunately. She may over time realise what a heartless cow she has been.

So sorry for your loss, and how your so-called friend is making it worse.

I also lost my only brother.
I try to spend his birthday and the anniversary of his death with the other people who loved him, my mum and my SIL.
People who haven't had a devastating loss don't get it. However lovely your friend is she probably doesn't understand at all. Let's hope she never does.
Tell her, with love, that it's not a good weekend, and go and spend your brother's birthday in the best way you can for you. Going to the sea always helps me.

Lovewineandchocs the bride is the OP's friend and was probably hoping she would change her mind and come. I don't think there is any malice coming from the bride. I think the OP is being over sensitive, but understandably so.

I feel a bit sorry for the bride, tbh. She just wants to celebrate with people that she cares about. I don't understand why people are branding her a terrible person for trying to include her old friend.