Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

OP you don't seem to be grasping that you are in fact being unreasonable. Nor in fact seeing this from the point of view of the rest of the guests

• you didn't commit to the date when they asked, you said maybe. They did check with you
• you admit that your shifts etc mean that planning can be awkward so the 'maybe' was fairly standard
• you have told the bride and bridesmaid why you can't do it - not due to work, but due to the difficulty around the date. They have sympathized and proceeded with the plans as they are trying to coordinate lots of people and you had the chance to feed in your availability and didn't

I am truly sorry that things are so shit for you right now. I know you want to be there, but you are not the only person she cares about nor are you the only person to consider. In an ideal world they would move it to accommodate you, I get it but with all due respect that is a very high maintenance stance to take as is the idea that the bridesmaid should have seen you one to one to go through your preferences. You love the bride and she loves you but that is not an exclusive state, she has a circle of friends and family that she loves and has to consider them as well as what she wants!

So sorry for your loss smilie. I too have suffered the traumatic sudden death of a family member and I find it hurtful that people who were sympathetic at the time appear to have forgotten the circumstances and failed to realise the lasting impact that they have. I can understand why you feel hurt.

However I'm not sure if I'm really following you about whether or not you do want to go. You're focussing on the fact that it's your DB's birthday and saying that being in a club then would be too traumatic. However you also said that you had been clubbing about 4 times since he died and found it really hard. So is there not a risk that even if the event were on a different day you would not enjoy it at all? Would the actual date really make such a difference to all the emotions that being in a club would trigger?

As others have said, perhaps the bride is very conscious of your dfficulties with that environment and is thinkng it's probably for the best that you can't make it.

Also, hen nights traditionally marked a "loss of freedom", the idea that as a wife the hen would not be seeing her friends so much any more etc. You're basing your emotions abot the night on images that you and she created in your heads when you were quite young. The "end of freedom" thing is outmoded; I'm sure that your friendship with her will not change all that much (maybe her DH will also become a close friend for you). In the run up to my wedding I was much more interested in integrating my then fiance with my friends than just hanging out with them and talking about him behind his back....

Since there's a risk you might not be able to make the wedding, why not organise a really nice dinner or lunch with your friend and her fiance, just the three of you, so you can tell them how happy you are for them both? Move away altogether from formulaic tradition and celebrate their union in a personal way?

Best of luck getting through this OP.

It's really hard when close friendships change and you find people you thought you were really close to are moving on with their lives, especially when you feel you would have always been there for them. But sadly it is a fact of life for most of us. And your friend has chosen not to prioritise your wishes in this case - and it looks as though that wont change.
You have done amazingly well, especially given your circumstances, to become a trainee surgeon, a female trainee surgeon is such a rarity! But it must also be incredibly demanding and I wonder if your depression/stress is becoming focused on this one event when perhaps there are many other factors affecting you. Never having lost a sibling I cannot even begin to imagine how devastating it must have been. But it sounds as though you might need more help than you want to admit. I know medics find it really tough to seek help but few will have suffered as you have. Please think about it, maybe ADs would help you to have a different perspective and get through a tough period in your life?

LagunaBubbles

Yes I know the bridesmaid really well. We have been close friends for 10 years and it's her behaviour that my boyfriend doesn't' understand as she is usually a very organised and kind person. Her actions like not asking for my availability (it was the bride which made me panic), ignoring some of my messages, not really apologising and not explaining the reason behind the fixed date - it's just not her normal behaviour.

She is normally the type of personal who organises things 18 months in advance via doodle polls and then send colour coded invites to remind you nearer the time. It's her actions I think that have been the most hurtful.

I really conscious I don;t want to detract from the bride's event which is why I didn't want to tell her about my depression. She got engaged just as my depression started spiralling and if the bridesmaid had acted in her normal, caring manner I would never had to disclose my illness. I'm a very proud person I don't like talking about how severely my brother's death has affected me.

She's the bridesmaid.... clearly wants you to know important she is....

I'm sorry you are finding it so hard, I've been there like I said in my earlier comment.
I just can't see them changing the date, I've been invited on hen nights and i couldn't make it I asked if I was possible to change dates and nope.

In the nicest way, you can't expect everyone to tip toe round that day,

Op they did ask you about your availability though, didn't they? OK so they didn't say "right, which dates in June/July can you make?" but they did ask you whether you could make a proposed date and you said "maybe" which is probably as good as they could expect from you. I do understand why you didn't want to come out and say up front what the problem is but from their perspective they had you down as hopefully being able to come, locked the dates with others AND THEN 3 days later you turn around and say you can't come and why. Even sympathetic friends are going to want to go "gah!" at that point. If you'd been upfront that you couldn't make it and why, the chances are much higher that they'd have changed the date.

If I were you I would give the hen do a miss. Even if it was another time, you might not enjoy clubbing because of its connotations. Just see your friend on her own.

Sorry for your loss, I have lost a sibling too so know how difficult it is. I really don't think your friends can change the date though, as they would never find a date if they sort it around everyone.

Most of my close friends work weekends (nurses) and we now tend to book a date for something and we do our best to swap and change but if someone can't make it we just catch up another time, it's too stressful otherwise.

Just give her a call, tell her that you'd be rubbish company on that day but you can catch up for lunch or whatever on another day.

She is normally the type of personal who organises things 18 months in advance via doodle polls and then send colour coded invites to remind you nearer the time. It's her actions I think that have been the most hurtful

It is possible that the bridesmaid is panicking because she can't work the way she normally does because she simply doesn't have the time to do that. You say yourself that this isn't usual for her. She may feel time is short and as she's the only bridesmaid she may be feeling the pressure of presumed responsibility.

they did ask you whether you could make a proposed date and you said "maybe"

No. they said "this is the date, please say you can come." OP responded 'maybe' as she was a bit thrown. If she had responded, no i can't actually, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

If I was you I would call her, explain how you have been feeling depressed lately, and also explain while you don't feel that you can attend.
If you were my friend I would totally understand this, but I do think you should talk to her about it.
I would also get a date in for the two of you for a celebratory dinner which sounds might be a nicer idea for you. This could be just you two or you could ask a few other close friends.
I don't think you should go- but I do think you should accept that she is going to go clubbing on that date, just plan to do something else with her to mark her happy occasion.

The bridesmaid was probably liaising with the bride over the date so would have known you had given a 'maybe' response to the hen night.

I also don't think she needs to apologise to you or to give you a reason that they have chosen that date. You could ask for the reason but it won't change anything anyway.

I think planning something else with the bride is a much more positive way of dealing with this for you. You have enough on your plate as it is and giving headspace to this isn't going to achieve anything other than making you more upset. To have been crying over this every day for the last 6 days is crazy. It really, really doesn't merit it.

I hope you can see why so many posters don't think that the bridesmaid has been thoughtless, if you can then hopefully you won't feel so devastated by the bride and bridesmaid not trying harder to accommodate you. It's reasonable to feel disappointed that you can't go but it's not reasonable to be cross about it.

I have friends who have been through the junior doctor years - I think that if I asked "are you free on x day" and all they said was that they didn't know yet because of work, it is completely reasonable to assume they haven't got their rota/availability yet. It wasn't insensitive of her, it was logical, and what she is used to having you as a friend at this time in your, very busy, life. You weren't asked specifically about your availability because your answer implied you didn't know, not because you have been forgotten.

You have to recognise that she hasn't been insensitive, you keep repeating that she has been. She might not have gone out of her way to offer you condolences about how you are going to feel in July, that is as bad as she has been. You implied you didn't know your availability, for an understandable reason, and this is the result.

OP is it possible that you feel like everyone else has been included in this decision when actually they have only been given the same opportunities as you to make their availability known?
You mention keeping dates free in the summer so as to be available around the time of the hen do so some ball park time must have been discussed with you a while back. That would have been an opportunity to say "I definitely can't do X date" and, I imagine, it would have been easy for them to work around that one date.
Then when you got the text mentioning the decided date the 'maybe' reply didn't really help. I'm not sure what you would have liked them to do- possibly call you and ask whether you were OK with that date? That would have been lovely of them but you should have been honest when asked and said you couldn't do that date.
I think that you did have opportunities to discuss this in advance. I can understand that might have been hard for you and I agree that it would have been lovely of your friend to be more aware of this issue but she's getting married and the hen do is just one tiny part of all the arrangements she is making and it probably just slipped her mind.
No one has done anything to deliberately leave you out but depression will make it feel like they have.
Please don't let this affect your friendship with anyone. Have a nice separate night out with your friend and enjoy it! A club night hen do sounds horrific (even without what you've been through)
You sound lovely and it would be awful if this were to set you back at all as I really don't think anyone has done anything too bad here.
I'm sorry for your loss I lost someone close to me when I was at medical school and scraped through for a couple of years. Foundation years and specialist training is horrendously busy and you're doing brilliantly getting on with things

Great post Foxes

I am absolutely sure your brother would like to see you having a blast on his birthday with your friends. He will feel great if you have that extra fun. I don't see why you should not go? Holding hands for your brother's loss at such a critical time. But I think you will feel lovely if you went. Also, I kinda see their point that you are very much unavailable due to your very busy schedule and it's hard to manage around it for all of them. Just go and have fun and drink to your brother too. Xxx

aah, thanks Dogs

I don't think you're BU. If I had a close friend in that situation I would simply avoid that date as a possible in the first place, and if I'd forgotten and arranged it I'd move it.

I think this hurts so much partly because they aren't prioritising you as you would the bride OP, she sounds like she'd be your bridesmaid and the key person at your hen, but the same has not applied to you for her.

Sorry that's not very comforting, but I understand.

Oh but yes I agree with foxes plan of action.

Thabks for all your responses.

MerryMarigold you are spot on. She wasnt checking my availibility, she was telling me the date. There was no dialogue and I was so stunned I didnt handle the situation well. Obviously in retrospect I would be honest from the start but it is done now and I cant do it.

Foxes thanks for your post in particular.

The hen do was discussed when we all met at their engagemeny party in November. Both bride and bridesmaid said it was likely to be end June to early July so I kept 5 consective weekends free in that window to maximise my chances of going :) thats why when I got the bride's text saying it was at then end of July I was shocked.

I should have handled it differently but I was geniunely thinking of her and didnt want to upset her.

You are right that it is the depressiom talking. I am normally a pretty reasonable person and not the type to cry over a party for a week :)

Smilie depression is shit and it makes everything feel so personal. Look after yourself and plan something lovely for the 2 of you

OP, I hope the thread has helped you put things in perspective a little bit. You sound like a great person who has done amazingly well. Medical school and after is really tough and to do that successfully having suffered such a shocking bereavement is impressive.

I hope all goes well for you.

I think it's your depression over your very tragic loss that's stopping you seeing the wood from the trees and taking this personally. While it's really understandable , I think you need to try not to let it make you ascribe malice in the bride or bridesmaid's actions.

It's easily done when you're in the grip of depression. But try to see it objectively. They suggested a week, you said "maybe", you didn't give her alternatives that you were definitely free so as far as they would know that was as firm as you could be about any weekend, so they had to pick a date and run with it.

Were you (on some level) hoping that one of them would realise the significance of that day and you were sort of testing them? The fact that they have ploughed on on that date has sort of hit you as a double whammy, maybe.

Sorry, bit of a cross-post.