To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

DadDadDad - ha ha . That made me laugh.
He wants to study maths.

Good news, you can all breathe a sigh of relief! Gf can always visit...they have lovely balls and parties...

Maths! That was my subject (at Cambridge). Cambridge has a world class reputation for maths, so it would be a shame to miss the chance to rub shoulders with some amazing mathematicians (admittedly, some of the greatest academics are not always the best at teaching undergrads, but if he survives the course he will have a highly respected degree).

I know two people who made it through 3 years at Cambridge while still going out with their "from home" boyfriends (who were elsewhere).

One is now married to that boyfriend, with a baby.

The other, they split up a year later.

Reassure your DS that long-distance university relationships can work.

Whether you WANT this one to work is neither here nor there, the goal is to get him to go to chose his university without considering this relationship as a factor in the decision.

best of luck to your DS OP. Don't wish to cast a shadow but Maths at Cambridge requires STEP, and rather less certainty than with any other degree course there in terms of achieving requirements as its not a case of just the one of two A*s in the standard offer. That puts a rather different slant on having the "right" insurance uni. How does the "local" one sit in that regard?

Blimey Lealeander that's a bit 1950's.

yeah, that NEVER happens in 2016.

Cambridge careers service works hard to level the playing field between graduates with well-connected families and those without, including offering bursaries to students who would like to take up an internship place to get a foothold in their chosen career but can't otherwise afford to work for free.

OP, if your son is having doubts, suggest that he gets in touch with his College admissions office and asks for another look round, or maybe a discussion with the Maths Director of Studies for his college. If he's genuinely concerned it's not for him, the more he does now to make sure, the better.

To receive an offer for maths means he has been judged to be among the top few hundred Y12 mathematicians in the UK. It's a fantastic achievement.

I believe that where Maths is concerned Cambridge is head and shoulders above any other University in the country, including Oxford. This casts a new light on the disparity between taking the place and going for the local option. Though judging by the mathematicians that I knew when I was there, your DS will be pretty unusual in that he has a girlfriend- let's just say many were rather socially awkward (sorry DadDadDad )! However the beauty of College life is that you don't just mix socially with those on your course; all subjects cross paths and most can find their niche. Very few of my close friends were doing my subject.

I replied yesterday giving my own PoV and experience when in a very similar situation.

I'm pleased your DH has changed approach and pleased that your DS has made a decision one way or another.

However, I find some poster's comments in regards to his gf pretty unfair!! Especially suggesting she may get pregnant to make him stay! Give her some credit for god's sake!

I am just a bit surprised that so many people have jumped on with "oh no, this is awful, he MUST go to Cambridge" without considering that actually he might be really in love and might be happier staying. His choice either way. Not a choice a parent can make or a choice that a parent should even be influencing, imo.

I disagree slightly, creme. I think it's a situation where a parent should talk things through, and try to help the young person really understand what the consequences of their decision might be. Of course Cambridge isn't for everyone, but as others have pointed out, terms are short and there are many options between "give up your Cambridge place" and "dump the GF."

I declined a Cambridge offer, my parents didn't give enough of a shit to ask me why. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if one of them had sat me down and carefully talked through the pros and cons.

Yes, that's true. Pros and cons need to be discussed, but op's DH sounded like he had already made up his mind. Ultimately it must be the son's free decision.

"GF wants to stay put in hometown and never move as she can't imagine moving away from her Mum. She won't be going to uni.
The local uni - rather not state it as it would out me - is not bad for his subject but it's not in the same league as Cambridge."

I think it's time for shock tactics.

He will absolutely kick himself in years to come if he does this.

Seriously.

Phew--just saw your update! Good news.

I don't see anything wrong in pointing out to a DC, however old, that a decision it looks likely to make is possibly a really crap one. I'd tend to think it was a parental duty. Insisting a DC does something is different (and I don't think it's often possible to insist once they reach a certain age) but I don't see why that duty changes with age.

I have to say that if any of mine achieved a maths offer from Cambridge with the hideous STEP thing to overcome, I'd understand real nerves at this stage. Perhaps that's mostly what's at the bottom of this.

Whether or not he’s ‘really in love’ – whatever that means – and putting aside the pros and cons of an Oxbridge degree in terms of prestige and life opportunities and all that; it’s also about how he wants to spend three years of his life studying a subject which, one would hope, enthuses him. One of the whole points of doing a degree (the main one IMO, but others disagree) is to get the opportunity of three glorious years engaging your brain with something that makes you buzz. It’s enormous fun, intellectually. And it is worth considering which of the available institutions will allow you to do this best. Not about whether it’s near your partner or not. Love isn’t just about people.

What was the local university - Warwick?

OP: study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's

hellsbells: What was the local university - Warwick?

hells - bit cheeky! Now, if you'd said Oxford, you might have had a point.

Warwick is good for maths.

My DD is there studying languages, but loads of her friends are on maths courses.

I guess we don't know where OP is though, and she doesn't have to reveal.

DadDadDad - tee hee. I was joking! Just been through similar conversations with DD2 who turned down an interview at Oxford....but it was for the right reasons!

Topseyt - I know Warwick is very good for maths and other subjects. I was just being a bit flippant as some posters have made out your life is over is you don't choose Oxbridge.

Life doesn't always pan out the way we think it will.

I made the right choice staying near home (but out of the family home) and having the support of my fiancé through university. I would have been unhappy being further away.

I just don't get the assumption that the DS is throwing his life away! I certainly don't feel I threw my life away...

Appreciate, hellsbells.

You are right though that this attitude can sometimes be a problem.

DD1 has a former school friend who went to Oxford. When they managed to meet up recently (friend invited herself to visit DD in Paris).

When the visit was over my DD phoned me absolutely furious. "Friend" had said that anyone who didn't go to Oxbridge was not worth knowing. Blanket statement. DD pointed out that she and many of their other school friends were at other unis, particularly Russell Group. "Friend" stuttered, stammered and then said that OK, well anyone who didn't to to at least a Russell Group uni or to Oxbridge was not worth knowing.

DD lambasted her and pointed out that what she had said would mean that one of DD's own sisters (my DD2), who is practical rather than academic, must not be worth knowing. Their former friendship is now rather strained.

Before anyone accuses me, I am not saying that all Oxbridge students think that way. I know that that is simply not true. DD's former school friend just happens to have adopted that twatty attitude though.

Topseyt - one of DD1's friends has gone to a top London uni and adopted a similar superior attitude! At the end of the day, we want our DCs to get a good degree (if appropriate) with good employment prospects and enjoy their 3/4 years whilst doing it - or alternatively, a good apprenticeship. We also want them to become nice adults, be happy, healthy and not be too stressed.

Hellsbells, you are right. I do hope that those who have taken on this superior atttitude do outgrow it.

Maybe they will look back and cringe in years to come.