To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

Gf is obviously entitled to a preference for herself but when at 18yrs old she's wanting bf to give up any ambition he has in other directions - I'd be very, very dubious about wanting her as a partner for one of my boys. I'd take the view that if she's like this at 18yrs old, the future is likely to be worse, not better and I'd be hoping for an imminent split.

Hands up anyone who thinks that parents get to choose a "suitable" partner for their adult DCs.

Like beauty, being interesting is in the eye of the beholder.

I've never felt someone is more exotic or interesting because they have lived in different places. I've moved that often none of my kids have finished a school they started! I wouldn't know if someone had lived elsewhere or not unless they had a strong accent.

Now that's another can of worms ! piglet

Ffs, it isn't up to parents to want or choose partners for their children.

At least, that is hardly what this thread is about anyway.

Topseyt if it's evident, with the wisdom of age and experience, that a partner is making eyes at a long term future and looks set to be self-centred and a drain, why should a parent celebrate?

Fortunately all my adult DC seem to have very good sense in the partner department, so I've not yet faced the situation of a potential long term partner where I can foresee things inevitably going wrong.

Your son is making an ill-advised life choice. But, speaking as a university tutor, we'd rather not teach people who don't want to be there.

Is it a get-out clause about the ambition for Cambridge? If he doesn't make the offer? or if he gets there and finds the work is too hard?

But your DH's tactics are not the way to deal with it ... more like make your DS and his GF feel like Romeo & Juliet.

Tell DS that if he is so set on shackling himself to a woman who has no desire to ever leave her hometown, then there is no point in him having all the fabulous advantages that a Cambridge education would bestow on him. It would all be wasted on him, so you agree that another student with higher aspirations would probably benefit far more from the course and would deserve it more

Brilliant advice! Seriously, I get sick of teaching young people who don't commit fully, when we had another 5 or 6 applicants who would have liked a place with us.

Tell DS that if he is so set on shackling himself to a woman who has no desire to ever leave her hometown, then there is no point in him having all the fabulous advantages that a Cambridge education would bestow on him. It would all be wasted on him

A Cambridge education can be used anywhere. Cambridge graduates end up in all parts of the country including - shock horror - their home towns.

So he only deserves a place if he is hugely ambitious and wants a high flying career afterwards but not because he is interested solely in the subject and a good student? So if he were to become a teacher then, it would be a waste?

Why is being a teacher not ambitious or high-flying? Prejudice, much?

The trouble with making judgements like that mollo is that you won't always be right. I'm glad that your children's partners meet with your approval, but remember what one person sees as a drain, is another's loyal support.

My dN didn't want to leave home at 18. She now lives in Oz!

I'm guessing that you have an approved of type of partner, and an approved age of meeting?

Did your dn want her 18 yr old partner to move in with her instead of going to Cambridge, hive?

Not celebrate, Molio. That would be going a bit far.

No parent can, or should, try to meddle in their children's choice of life partners. My family tried it when they thought 30 years ago that things would never last between my then boyfriend and I. I was told stuff like "other fish in the sea", "pull yourself together and forget him". Anything I confided in them about him had to be wrong, I was being silly and naïve, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I made it clear that I had no intention of listening to that, and fortunately for future family harmony they did largely back off.

I am so glad I refused to listen. I have been married to DH for 23 years and have three DDs. My family know that they should not have judged.

Teachers can teach back in their home towns....

topseyt my bridesmaid threw a wobbly because she didn't approve of my DH and it wouldn't last and he was not good enough, I was too young....

I sacked her with three weeks to go, married him and have been happily married now for nearly 25 years...

The GF should want him to be taking up the opportunity of a lifetime and support his education/learning goals) but sounds like its all about her. Could you comment about that, (not the bit about it being about her, that'll get his back up!)

Sadly, he might only realise all this 10 years down the line.

There again, maybe he's a bit scared about going (I would have been, working class and green around the gills!!)

There is always the issue that he might actually be worried he won't get the grades. And therefore decides in advance that he isn't really interested in that uni for other, safe reasons. Therefore you don't fail to get in you are not a Cambridge reject, you have chosen not to continue with the application.

Setting yourself up for possible failure is a hard ask.

It's something my DD wishes she had done actually. Setting yourself up for an aspirational choice, even though the grades appear to be within reach, doesn't mean they have been got. I'll never forget the disappointment for my DD on results day of going to her insurance. She's never celebrated or been happy there. But if she had chosen it as her firm, she knows she would have been excited and happy.

Headofthehive, at that bridesmaid. Good for you though.

Headofthehive is also speaking a lot of sense. I relate to just about all of it.

No HeadoftheHive I don't have approved anything at all in terms of long term partners for the DC, so you're guessing wrong - very wrong. In fact the partners are all very different, so that knocks that one on the nut :) That said, this particular gf sounds dull and all about herself, something I wouldn't want for any DC of mine. Nothing wrong with not wanting your DC to get dragged down by someone else.

I think one of my DC at Oxbridge is keen on becoming a teacher although he may change his mind - I'm lost as to what's so downmarket about that .

There was an article in the London Evening Standard recently about a school for high-achieving underprivileged children, run as a joint venture by a number of public schools and HSBC. The vast majority of their teachers were Oxbridge educated and it was clear that this was a hugely successful no rewarding career for them. Doing a PGCE after Cambridge was a very popular choice when I was there.

I have friends from Cambridge who have become police officers, nurses, non- fast steam civil servants and gardeners. None regret going to Cambridge and unlike a previous, very bitter, poster none blame the University for them not being in extremely highly- paid positions.