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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect SIL to get the train.

143 replies

cabbage78 · 29/01/2016 09:55

we have all booked to go to the lake district in December. Sis in law doesn't drive and has 2 kids , 10yrdd and baby will be 12 months. This holiday is Friday to Monday..free for SIL as MIL is paying for her lodge. SIL hasn't had holiday in quite a while and really wants to go. Her 10 yr old dd REALLY wants to go as will be with cousins etc.

Now the problem..there is no room in both of the other families cars to take SIL and her kids..her husband is refusing to even entertain the idea of driving her there and dropping her and his kids off..{2 hours one way)...he is invited btw but does not want to come.
Is it really so unreasonable that I suggested she get the train? the horror and amazement this suggestion has been met with by MIL and SIL is something else!
I suggested I take her luggage in my car and maybe MIL goes with her on the train with the 2 kids..i even said I would pick her up from train station the other end.
I had my head bitten off.

I cant see the problem I used to get the train down to London from Manchester all the time with baby and 6 yr old AND luggage, Was it fun? no..but needs must.

So now everyone is in a tiz trying to figure out how to get SIL there..Suggestions from we hire a mini bus to we pay an aunt to drive her...I feel like shouting..JUST get the train!!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/01/2016 12:03

Cabbage - if your two are old enough to get the train, that would be a good solution to the problem.

When the dses were old enough, we used to send them on the train on their own, and they were fine - although they used to sit as far apart from each other as possible, without being on different trains!

CheesyWeez · 29/01/2016 12:06

We had exactly this last year, except for us the Lake district is 4 hours each away.

We took as many as we could in the car, with the luggage, and my mum got the train with my 10 yo. They had the loveliest time. We met them at the station.

Veritat · 29/01/2016 12:08

Her dh has told her he is not a taxi.

I hope she told him she's not a cook or laundrymaid.

Lemongrass57 · 29/01/2016 12:08

OP are you going to Center Parcs? I have a feeling from what you've posted you might be.

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 12:12

Why is she continuing to have children with such a selfish, hostile asshole? That's the real question.

ReadyPlayerOne · 29/01/2016 12:15

Bit harsh Jessie, even with the smiley face. It's horses for courses, surely?

eurochick · 29/01/2016 12:22

If you are happy to, why not offer to take the train instead. She can go in the car with your husband. If nothing else, this might show her how silly she is being. That takes the pressure off for now and should stop the silly ideas (mini bus and paying someone to drive all for a 2 hr train ride - really?!?). And if she is in a bit of a bad way post baby, when the time comes around she might be happy to take the train anyway.

Frazzled2207 · 29/01/2016 12:27

Yanbu. children plus luggage is an arse on the train but if you're offering to take her stuff I can't see the issue either esp. If no changes.
However if she's that opposed to the idea her dh is a dick for not taking her.

Cheby · 29/01/2016 12:28

Id stop worrying about it. You can't even book the advance (cheap!) train tickets until 3 months before anyway.

I used to get the train with baby DD all the time, it really is easier because you can feed them, help entertain them, they can get up and walk around, you can change nappies etc without stopping.

I once managed to go from SW London to Euston (an hour, 2 buses), on a train to manchester, met a friend for a drink, then got local train out to my mums and walked a mile to her house. All with 6mo DD in a sling, a rucksack, change bag, giant suitcase and car seat. It was a bit daunting, but honestly fine. I hung the car seat over the case, baby in front, rucksack on back, change bag on shoulder.

I'm sure your SIL will feel much more capable of doing it when her DD is a bit older. I could barely contemplate getting a single bus into town when mine was 1mo. A few moths make all the difference.

Lightbulbon · 29/01/2016 12:31

There are alarm bells here-

Her dp wont drive her to the train station?!

Is he abusive?

Is she your brothers wife or your husbands sister?

I think she needs help the women's aid phone number

moopymoodle · 29/01/2016 12:34

Please don't put yourself out or get a train so she can use your car. It really pisses me off how some none drivers are entitled about the use of other people's cars. By all means if I have the room or time I will give people lifts. But car insurance and fuel costs me £100 pm. Then I have to pay road tax, breakdown cover and I've just landed myself a £700 repair bill to put my car through MOT. As far as I'm concerned if you can't drive br grateful for any lit's but respect that the car owner has spent a lot of money learning to drive, buying and maintaining a car aswell as the usual costs. I had a similar situation with my sister once. I told her I was xmas shopping (many large toys to buy), she asked to come I said fine. She then kicked off when I warned her that by all means she can come but she may have to get s taxi back if the toys she was buying didn't fit in my car. She went crazy and entitled about the £6 for a taxi.. like the car wasn't my perogative due to me buying and maintaining it.

I do feel bad for your Sil as her husband is a dick. However you are not responsible for making her life easier and yours more difficult. Christ so what if her baby cries, it's a lot more roomy on a train then strapped into a car!!

Baressentials · 29/01/2016 12:35

If her dh is refusing to come on this holiday and also refusing to help you sil even get there then I must admit I think something else is going on. Either her dh is an abusive arse and she can't face it or there is an issue with your family. I am inclined to think the first option.

toastyarmadillo · 29/01/2016 12:47

Really feeling sorry for your sil, sounds like she needs to speak to women's aid.

AyeAmarok · 29/01/2016 12:52

All this stressing and running around talking about hiring minibuses is a total red herring to the fact that her DHis a twat and is bbeing let off the hook. This is SIL's and her husband's problem to solve.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/01/2016 12:52

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU to expect SIL to get the train when the rest of the family are driving there. I feel sorry for her, bastard of a husband, first holiday in forever, and then people suggesting she get the train on her own with her 2 dc to the holiday. It would make me feel awful to be SIL - left out and "othered".

Sometimes an overly pragmatic approach, like 'oh, can you get the train, we'll pick you up at the station' can make people feel a bit left out, or unimportant.

I'm assuming this is your DH's sister? I would just stay out of it from now on, and let them sort it out.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2016 12:52

Your suggestion is sensible. Stick to it and stay out of the rest.

LeaLeander · 29/01/2016 12:55

SIL is an adult and thus it's her responsibility to get herself to the destination. She freely chooses to stay with an unsupportive partner and this is one of the penalties.
OP, I'd stay out of it. Not your problem. She can learn to drive, take the train or sort out her marriage.

ouryve · 29/01/2016 12:55

Go back and read, moopy. You are seriously missing the point here. This thread is not about non-drivers scrounging off drivers

And, FTR, you were an arse to your sister not warning her in advance that you wouldn't have room for any shopping other than your own on the way home.

BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 12:58

"Maybe I should offer for my kids to get train."

No don't. Never enable other people's bad choices. Your BiL is a dick. Your SiL needs to realise that and become more independent.

ouryve · 29/01/2016 12:59

She freely chooses to stay with an unsupportive partner and this is one of the penalties.

Oh for a simple life with no complications, for everyone.

There's that old saying, isn't there? Hindsight always has 20:20 vision. OP's SIL is clearly not at that point, though, particularly as a vulnerable mum of a new baby. If it was always as obvious and straghtforward as "he's an arse, best leave." there would be no need for Women's Aid. People are messy and complicated, though and their judgement can be very easily screwed up.

NotNowBono · 29/01/2016 13:00

I've been on that London-Glasgow train in the run up to Christmas often enough not to fancy it much, and that was without small children. But if SIL books far enough ahead, she could get a super cheap First Class ticket and at least be in the relative quiet of a half-empty carriage, without as much to disturb the baby?

Husband is slightly NBU not to fancy a Centerparcs holiday much but is totally U not to at least make the non-train elements of her journey as stressless as possible.

Sandsnake · 29/01/2016 13:01

She needs to take the train as I feel there are wider issues at stake here. If she doesn't drive then she needs to get the confidence to use public transport to decrease her reliance on her DH - who sounds like a prick. Her family infantilising her (of course a grown woman can take the train) is actually counterproductive as her reliance on others just increases the control that he has over her. You are being very reasonable in offering to take her luggage and pick her up from the station.

DinosaursRoar · 29/01/2016 13:02

OP - you need to stop discussing it at all - to MIL/SIL "I'm sure you/SIL will sort something." Leave it alone, and prepare yourself for the chance she won't be coming at all.

If she is in an emotionally abusive relationship, he might well have drummed into her that she can't do things like cope with public transport, get anywhere or do anything without him. If she doesn't drive and he's convinced her public transport is too tricky for her, then she is very isolated. Just listen, plant the seeds that she can do these things if she wants, but it'll have to be in her time. Don't tell her she's stupid or useless for not being able to, she'll be getting enough of that.

It takes a lot of bravery to try things you have been 'taught' you can't do, even if to outsiders they are perfectly simple. MIL's reaction might suggest that it's not just BIL who's been conditioning SIL to believe if something isn't in walking distance, someone has to drive her or she can't do it.

It's a year away. a lot can happen between now and then.

Witchend · 29/01/2016 13:02

It's not that bad trains with children. Cheap too with a railcard.

In fact at those ages I'd rather train.

I use to visit my parents up nearly at the lakes, from Surrey. Three children 7, 4 and baby, luggage and all. 2-3 changes. Much easier Tha a car.

JenEric · 29/01/2016 13:04

I would do her a trade tbh. Take the baby to save her the buggy hassle then give her one of your older train savvy kids. The cousins will probably love getting the train. If you drop her to and from station either end and are taking all the luggage it won't be uber stressful.