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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are a sahm and you leave your husband...

57 replies

spad · 27/01/2016 21:09

How do you do it and how do you sort the financial stuff out?

I have no money and I don't think our marriage is going to work. How long does it take to come to an agreement about money? And what can I do to get the ball rolling?

OP posts:
Fedup21 · 27/01/2016 21:13

How old are your children? Will you be getting a job? Do you have equity in the house/joint mortgage etc?

Dreamonastar · 27/01/2016 21:15

I got a job although everything goes on childcare fees right now.

writingonthewall · 27/01/2016 21:15

If you are just thinking about leaving, and it isn't urgent (no abuse etc) then I would play a long game.

Get a job - even if it doesn't bring in much after childcare, remember the cost of childcare is split between you. Open a bank account in your own name and save whatever you can into it. Start looking into where you could go - could you stay with parents/friends short term.

In general, it is better to leave with a plan and some cash than as an emergency.

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:16

Our children are 6 months, 18 months and 3. I have a job but it is on hold. Technically I could get it back but if I worked I would have to pay half the money on childcare and the rest would go on the mortgage.

The house is in my name. I paid the deposit. He has paid the mortgage for the last three years.

Can you make your husband leave? How?

How do you sort out payments etc? What if they refuse to pay?

OP posts:
Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:18

I think it is abuse. Emotional abuse.

We can't discuss anything without it being a war. I don't appreciate him enough. I am so confused. I dream about being out for a drink with someone who enjoys my company. My husband doesn't enjoy my company. Is that normal?

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 27/01/2016 21:18

agree with others that looking for a job would be number one priority as you can't expect ex to fully support you. Have your own set of bank accounts so if joint account is frozen you have access to money.

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:20

We don't have a joint account. He has his own business which would mean that he could disguise figures and pay nothing very easily.

How long does it take to get tax credits or whatever it is?

OP posts:
caitlinohara · 27/01/2016 21:20

No it's not normal, but looking at the ages of your kids you must both be exhausted! I agree about playing the long game if you have any doubts at all, but I would suggest Relate or similar in the meantime.

Owllady · 27/01/2016 21:22

Firstly go to the GP if you are depressed
Secondly see a solicitor
Thirdly take advice off mumsnet

You've just had a baby Flowers

RubbleBubble00 · 27/01/2016 21:22

I think it would be worth trying relate first, you have three very small children, it's not easy on any marriage

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:22

So if you are playing the long game what does that involve?

OP posts:
eternalopt · 27/01/2016 21:22

Are you confused about how to go about it or about how you feel? A 3 yr old, 18 month old and 6 month old would put a strain on any marriage. Would getting some help to talk to each other be an option, or do you think it's beyond saving?

missymayhemsmum · 27/01/2016 21:23

Unless you have to for your own/ your kids safety you probably don't do it on the spur of the moment. You squirrel away an emergency fund out of your housekeeping, open a bank account in your sole name, think about how you could earn a living, and what you would do if your ex refused to pay the mortgage. You get some legal advice (CAB, solicitor) and some advice on benefits and tax credits.

And you take a long hard look at your marriage and whether it is so totally awful that splitting up would be the best thing for your kids, and whether your life would really be better as a working single parent.

And at what your chances are of negotiating amicable parenting and fair financial support from your exh or whether it will be a battle to mutual destruction (bearing in mind that he will probably be able to afford legal representation, you won't, and the arrangements for extracting maintenance are not very good at getting maintenance from someone who doesn't want to pay it)

missymayhemsmum · 27/01/2016 21:25

sorry, cross post.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 27/01/2016 21:26

You should already be getting tax credits and child benefit, unless dh is earning loads (sorry, don't know the actual values...£60k+, possibly?)

They are supposed to sort out claims within 28 days, I think. Back-dated from your application date.

Go and have a chat with CAB or similar. They will offer better advice.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 27/01/2016 21:28

think about how you could earn a living, and what you would do if your ex refused to pay the mortgage

Or how you can pay the mortgage.

Unless he is a high earner he wouldn't be expected to pay your mortgage and rent/mortgage for where he would live too.

Funinthesun15 · 27/01/2016 21:31

The house is in my name. I paid the deposit. He has paid the mortgage for the last three years.

If you are married it is a joint assetc no matter who's name it is in.

Can you make your husband leave? How?

You can't unless abusive he has as much right to live there as you until divorce and finances are settled.

Dreamonastar · 27/01/2016 21:31

It's quite a bit under £60,000 for tax credits.

ChipsandGuac · 27/01/2016 21:40

Without wanting to deminish your feelings, when my youngest 3 were the same age as yours, I would have happily left my husband. All the exhaustions of daily life were very much harboured towards him.

10 years later, I am so glad I didn't. We are very, very happy. Probably a bit sickeningly so! Grin Once the youngest was around 2, I felt like I came out of a fog and everything got so much better and positive.

Obviously everyone is different, but I just wanted to give you another side. Good luck whichever way you decided.

Babyroobs · 27/01/2016 21:41

The threshold for 3 kids and no childcare costs is £38k. If you split and you don't work then you would get income support, child tax credits and maintainence from him. It is unlikely you could pay a mortgage on what you would get but I guess it would depend on mortgage repayments and how much maintainence you would get. If you get income support you may be able to get help with paying the interest on your half of the mortgage.

Dreamonastar · 27/01/2016 21:42

CTC for three kids are pretty generous - you'd be able to pay a small to moderate mortgage with them, especially with maintenance.

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:44

What's ctc?

And the threehold for three kids and no childcare costs is £38.

I don't know what that means, could you please explain it?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 27/01/2016 21:44

I agree with chips . I had 4 children in six years, all of who were bad sleepers and I was working part time too. I remember feeling exhausted and like our marriage suffered immensely even though my dh was supportive and great with the kids. I'm sure I was depressed and remember it as a very unhappy time.

Needtoprotect16 · 27/01/2016 21:45

I don't understand the advice about squirrelling away money in a separate bank account. On divorce, surely all bank accounts are required to be made public and the funds split accordingly. That is, they're factored into the division of money. Hiding money is fraudulent and in any case, even if it's spent between separation and divorce, I think you'd have to supply 12 months bank statements. I know setting up one's own bank account and building an escape fund up is repeated advice on mumsnet and it always confuses me that this is being suggested for the reason above.

Dreamonastar · 27/01/2016 21:45

Child tax credits