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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are a sahm and you leave your husband...

57 replies

spad · 27/01/2016 21:09

How do you do it and how do you sort the financial stuff out?

I have no money and I don't think our marriage is going to work. How long does it take to come to an agreement about money? And what can I do to get the ball rolling?

OP posts:
Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:47

The threshold for three kids and £38 000. What does that mean?

I would have to earn less than £38 000 and get what?

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 27/01/2016 21:48

This might sound patronising to you but with just two DCs under 3, me and DH were on the verge so many times that I can't even remember right. We actually spent time away from each other to recover. i think other posts have suggested something similar. Keep Plab B in place but as that is long term, just give those suggestions a go too. Also, treat yourself now and then. It's ESSENTIAL no matter what happens in the end.

Babyroobs · 27/01/2016 21:49

CTC is child tax credits - top ups / benefits for people with kids who have no income or low income. The amount you can claim goes up with each additional child you have. If as a couple now your household income is less than £38k then you could get some child tax credits. If you were paying out money in childcare costs then the threshold is higher, you get more help.
There is also working tax credits which very low income families or lone parents on a low income or even single people can get but there are conditions on hours you need to work to get them.
Tax credits are complicated and the system is all changing in the next few years anyway.

Babyroobs · 27/01/2016 21:51

With 3 kids an no income you would get a good chunk of money in child tax credits. I'm not sure of exact amounts as I don't claim any but a benefit calculater ( hopefully someone will link to one) could give you rough amounts. Any maintainence you get from your husband you would get on top of tax credits.

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 21:53

How is the maintenance worked out?

OP posts:
DG2016 · 27/01/2016 21:54

They may be talking about tax credits - cash lower income families get (I've never got them despite being a single mother, I work full time).

Long term you are better off going back to full time work even if you see no profit from it. Many men pay nothing even though legally obliged to so hoping your ex won't run away to Thailand if you split and instead will stay here and pay you is a bit of a risk.

Doesn'tmatter whose name the house is in or was bought by it is a marital asset - ditto savings. It is likely as you don';t work that if you can afford the mortgage you will stay in your home and your husband would have to mov in with his parents or find a floor to camp on unless it's a very big house and bigger than reasonable needs which I will assume not. However if even with some maintenance for you from him you could not afford the mortgage then the house may have to be sold and the proceeds split.

I remember when we had a baby, a 1 year old and both worked full time. It was very very tiring hardest phase of our lives. I genuinely don't think you should decide to split until the youngest if 5 and you can think straight even if you and your husband don't get on. However if you want to then make sure you know everything about your joint finances, pensions, seen his P60 each year etc etc so you have all the information.

As for how to get him out my children's fatherwas advised to stay in the home until the dirovce was final and until the finances court order/consent order was sealed buy the court and until he was paid his share of the proceeds, mortgage transfered to my lender will not youname and paymentmade to him. I suspect here your mortgage company will not let you take the mortgage over as you don't work) which will stop your husband buying his own place and putting up the children on his days.

You could pay for an hour's appointment at a solicitor now just to hear your rights - secretly from your husband, just to see where you stand. Dont' of course assume you get the children. No reason in 2016 why men cannot be the one children live with and that does happen ,

Namechanger2015 · 27/01/2016 21:56

One practical tip, especially if he owns his own business, is to get copies of everything you can. Just photos on your phone and store them and any scrap of info you can find.

You can't use these legally/in court, but if he tries to hide money etc (mine is currently doing this), then it does help to have some of the facts stashed away for your own sanity. You then have a hunch with which to work on.

Emotional abuse is torture, it's very different to being exhausted with 3 young children, I am a year out of my marriage and I took my 3 young children with me. My children are older though (7, 5 and 2 when I left), and I also work, so its a bit of a different scenario.

But if you say he is emotionally abusive he will continue to be so after you leave, and so be prepared to do battle with finances. Take copies/emails of absolutely anything and everything you can.

donajimena · 27/01/2016 21:57

Don't encourage a woman in an abusive marriage to tough it out ffs.

JohnLuther · 27/01/2016 21:58

On your other thread you seem more concerned about meeting someone else Hmm

I wish you luck as you sound very low but don't rush into a decision.

Funinthesun15 · 27/01/2016 22:00

On divorce, surely all bank accounts are required to be made public and the funds split accordingly. That is, they're factored into the division of money. Hiding money is fraudulent and in any case, even if it's spent between separation and divorce, I think you'd have to supply 12 months bank statements.

With form E yes you do.

If you go through court you also usually have to give updated information before each appearance.

Tamponlady · 27/01/2016 22:01

Agreed play the long game squirell money away

Get a job that you can work round me school after school club ect sort out lawyer get all his details and sort house out then leave

If you leave now you will be at his mercy

Original poster
spad · 27/01/2016 22:03

I am not really concerned about meeting someone else.

I am very aware of the pit falls of bring anyone new into our lives but I have spent a lot of my adult life single and I was so happy to meet my husband.

I enjoy being in a couple.

I think I am a great friend and partner.

I want life to be fun again.

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 27/01/2016 22:05

Relate isn't recommended in an abusive relationship.

BravingSpring · 27/01/2016 22:06

The squirrelling money away advice is about having some money to buy food, pay rent etc. while any benefits claims are being made and a financial settlement is reached.

sleepwhenidie · 27/01/2016 22:07

Please take a solicitors advice before getting a job. Obviously longer term you will need to work but having independent income now demonstrates you are able to earn some money so he may be required to give you less than he would if you weren't.

Putting money aside in your name wouldn't, Imo be for hiding when it comes to declaration of assets but it gives you a little independence when you tell him you want a divorce, in case he starts making it difficult for you to access 'his' money.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 27/01/2016 22:07

OP I'm confused.

Are you actually in an abusive relationship or is it that you argue a lot.

This and your other thread are rather confusing.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 27/01/2016 22:09

having independent income now demonstrates you are able to earn some money so he may be required to give you less than he would if you weren't.

Not strictly true.

Earning capacity can be taken into consideration even if you aren't actually working.

NameChanger22 · 27/01/2016 22:21

I wouldn't factor tax credits into my long-term plan if I were you. Weren't there thousands of innocent single mums being accused of benefit fraud last year? There was thread after thread on here full of panicking mums worrying about how they were going to keep a roof over their head. None of them had done anything wrong. This government will find a way of making tax credits a thing of the past. Then child benefit will be next in line for the chop.

OP - I hope you find a solution. Try and make sure you have a well-paid job, even if it means you have to put up with the relationship for some time. You can't assume you will get any maintenance either (less than half of men pay any at all). It seems lots of women only have two choices - staying in an abusive relationship or living in poverty? I am sorry, but that is the reality.

janethegirl2 · 27/01/2016 22:27

Money in an old tin used to be the way to go. I'd certainly try to keep some money in cash where he is unlikely to find it as an emergency escape fund, but hope you never need to use it. Suggest in a pair of socks or in a tampon box

Babyroobs · 27/01/2016 22:28

Most of the lone parents that I know do not live in poverty. They have decent part time jobs, topped up with tax credits and get decent amounts of maintinence. I accept there are many who don't get maintainence but many do. The lone parents I know do not live in poverty, they have nights out, weekends away, cheap Uk holidays etc. it is perfectly possible to be a lone parent and have a decent life.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2016 22:32

I think it will be very hard going on your own with such very young children. I know I couldn't cope. But some people do manage after separation. But first you have to think very carefully before you decide anything. It depends on finances if you have family nearby to help. A lot of things have to be consider. It's all very well saying oh yes it's not working get divorced. But it isn't always the answer.

NameChanger22 · 27/01/2016 22:42

Babyroobs - I only know one lone parent who is well-off because she lives with her parents. The rest do not have money for weekends away or holidays. Many single parents families have no money, the only time in history that wasn't the case was the 1990s.

OP - maybe you should read the lone parent boards on here to see how green the grass is on the other side.

NameChanger22 · 27/01/2016 22:47
  • correction 1990 to 2010.
MsVestibule · 27/01/2016 22:50

OP, if you want to find out what financial aid from the government you'd be able to claim, www.entitledto.co.uk is a good start.

I've just discovered I'd be quite a lot better off if DH and I split up(!) but as a pp says, there is no guarantee that tax credits will continue as they are.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2016 22:53

I want lilfe to be fun again.

Sometimes OP life is just a hard slog for a while. And I certainly don't think being a lone parent is a fun easy option. Think long and hard before you make any decisions. Are you in an abusive relationship or are you just arguing a lot and not being nice to each other. There is a vast difference.