If you are a sahm and you leave your husband...

[spad]

How do you do it and how do you sort the financial stuff out?

I have no money and I don't think our marriage is going to work. How long does it take to come to an agreement about money? And what can I do to get the ball rolling?

[icanteven]

Honestly, I would be very surprised to hear of any married couple with children that small who are blissfully happy all the time. It must be completely overwhelming sometimes (most of the time!) with those ages, and my own natural instinct would be to blame my DH for absolutely EVERYTHING, up to an including him breathing at night. And he would naturally push back against that pretty vigorously, so we would end up hating each other for a good bit of the time. I think that's only natural (nature's way of stopping you adding a fourth baby to the mix!?).

I think that from what you describe, counselling should be your first step, not working out post-split finances. How have you been feeling in yourself since the baby was born, besides utterly exhausted?

I think it would be more weird if you always thought your husband was fantastic, under your current circumstances. However, you presumably married and had three children with him for a reason, so he must have some redeeming qualities, and you WILL start having fun again when Baby 3 is sleeping through the night and you start getting out together more.

Fighting because you are both overtired and freaked out about having hundreds of small children isn't the same as emotional abuse. Apologies if you are suffering real emotional abuse, but what you say suggests more that you are going through a stage of hating each other a bit, which is very different, and is fixable.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Do you want to talk to us about how things are between you and your husband OP? I agree that things can be very challenging with very young children but you describe your dh as abusive.

[Flashbangandgone]

Are you in an abusive relationship or are you just arguing a lot and not being nice to each other. There is a vast difference.

Abuse is a continuum in my view.... Some people are in highly abusive relationships, and clearly in such circumstances an exit is required... But in most relationships under stress, behaviour from either individual will often contain elements of emotional abuse, albeit relatively mild. A heated argument can readily end in name calling for instance...

[DG2016]

For those of us who don't get any benefits or tax credits I am not sure we want to encourage people to become claimants of the state of up to £20k a year when currently they claim nothing though! All that money just because someone wants a new partner and sex with someone else.

[Diamogs]

OP I just used the calculator on turn2us (a benefits help site) based on you not working with 3 young children it thinks you will be entitled to:

Income Support £73.10
Tax Credits £171.02
Council Tax Support (guessed at C/T bill being £1400pa) £18.47
Child Benefit £48.10
Income Support Housing Costs Help (guessed at having £150k outstanding on a mortgage) £90

Those are weekly figures so over the year £20,835

Maintenance: Three or more children: you’ll pay 19% of your gross weekly income on the first £800 and 15% of your gross weekly income on the rest

[NameChanger22]

Ok Babyroobs, sorry for misunderstanding you.

[Babyroobs]

Name changer - I did not say the lone parents I know are well off, but neither are they living in poverty. They and their kids have all the essentials they need, food, clothes an occassional treats/ days out/ breaks. The kids do activities, have swimming lessons, go on brownie camp. they are not denied basic things that other kids have.

[Viviennemary]

I want lilfe to be fun again.

Sometimes OP life is just a hard slog for a while. And I certainly don't think being a lone parent is a fun easy option. Think long and hard before you make any decisions. Are you in an abusive relationship or are you just arguing a lot and not being nice to each other. There is a vast difference.

[MsVestibule]

OP, if you want to find out what financial aid from the government you'd be able to claim, //www.entitledto.co.uk is a good start.

I've just discovered I'd be quite a lot better off if DH and I split up(!) but as a pp says, there is no guarantee that tax credits will continue as they are.

[NameChanger22]

• correction 1990 to 2010.

[NameChanger22]

Babyroobs - I only know one lone parent who is well-off because she lives with her parents. The rest do not have money for weekends away or holidays. Many single parents families have no money, the only time in history that wasn't the case was the 1990s.

OP - maybe you should read the lone parent boards on here to see how green the grass is on the other side.

[Viviennemary]

I think it will be very hard going on your own with such very young children. I know I couldn't cope. But some people do manage after separation. But first you have to think very carefully before you decide anything. It depends on finances if you have family nearby to help. A lot of things have to be consider. It's all very well saying oh yes it's not working get divorced. But it isn't always the answer.

[Babyroobs]

Most of the lone parents that I know do not live in poverty. They have decent part time jobs, topped up with tax credits and get decent amounts of maintinence. I accept there are many who don't get maintainence but many do. The lone parents I know do not live in poverty, they have nights out, weekends away, cheap Uk holidays etc. it is perfectly possible to be a lone parent and have a decent life.

[janethegirl2]

Money in an old tin used to be the way to go. I'd certainly try to keep some money in cash where he is unlikely to find it as an emergency escape fund, but hope you never need to use it. Suggest in a pair of socks or in a tampon box

[NameChanger22]

I wouldn't factor tax credits into my long-term plan if I were you. Weren't there thousands of innocent single mums being accused of benefit fraud last year? There was thread after thread on here full of panicking mums worrying about how they were going to keep a roof over their head. None of them had done anything wrong. This government will find a way of making tax credits a thing of the past. Then child benefit will be next in line for the chop.

OP - I hope you find a solution. Try and make sure you have a well-paid job, even if it means you have to put up with the relationship for some time. You can't assume you will get any maintenance either (less than half of men pay any at all). It seems lots of women only have two choices - staying in an abusive relationship or living in poverty? I am sorry, but that is the reality.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

having independent income now demonstrates you are able to earn some money so he may be required to give you less than he would if you weren't.

Not strictly true.

Earning capacity can be taken into consideration even if you aren't actually working.

[HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime]

OP I'm confused.

Are you actually in an abusive relationship or is it that you argue a lot.

This and your other thread are rather confusing.

[sleepwhenidie]

Please take a solicitors advice before getting a job. Obviously longer term you will need to work but having independent income now demonstrates you are able to earn some money so he may be required to give you less than he would if you weren't.

Putting money aside in your name wouldn't, Imo be for hiding when it comes to declaration of assets but it gives you a little independence when you tell him you want a divorce, in case he starts making it difficult for you to access 'his' money.

[BravingSpring]

The squirrelling money away advice is about having some money to buy food, pay rent etc. while any benefits claims are being made and a financial settlement is reached.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Relate isn't recommended in an abusive relationship.

[spad]

I am not really concerned about meeting someone else.

I am very aware of the pit falls of bring anyone new into our lives but I have spent a lot of my adult life single and I was so happy to meet my husband.

I enjoy being in a couple.

I think I am a great friend and partner.

I want life to be fun again.

[Tamponlady]

Agreed play the long game squirell money away

Get a job that you can work round me school after school club ect sort out lawyer get all his details and sort house out then leave


If you leave now you will be at his mercy

[Funinthesun15]

On divorce, surely all bank accounts are required to be made public and the funds split accordingly. That is, they're factored into the division of money. Hiding money is fraudulent and in any case, even if it's spent between separation and divorce, I think you'd have to supply 12 months bank statements.

With form E yes you do.

If you go through court you also usually have to give updated information before each appearance.

[JohnLuther]

On your other thread you seem more concerned about meeting someone else

I wish you luck as you sound very low but don't rush into a decision.

[donajimena]

Don't encourage a woman in an abusive marriage to tough it out ffs.