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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with someone who doesn't like you?

133 replies

KittenLoverTheFirst · 25/01/2016 22:08

There is a mum from DD's year at school who used to talk to me but suddenly started blanking me, and clearly doesn't like me. No idea why, and I did text her to ask but she didn't reply so hey ho.

The only thing bothering me is that I have to walk past her each day on the school run, sometimes twice a day or more if I see her on each school run. She walks past me and I've just been saying hello or smiling but she blanks me.

Am I best off just blanking her back? And this is a silly question but where do you actually look if you are walking past someone that you are ignoring. Do you look straight ahead? Or look at them and just look straight through them? I don't want it to look like she intimidates me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 27/01/2016 07:56

Livia, I guess because it seems like such a childish thing to do.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 09:26

Everyone deals with tossers their own way - I don't like confrontation and would rather not give time in my day to arguing, or to talking to someone that I don't like unless I really have to.

Also most of the people I would blank would be fully aware of the reason as there would have been a specific incident, eg the last time I did it was to someone who was sleeping with my friend's husband

exLtEveDallas · 27/01/2016 09:35

I get blanked at school by the woman whose house we didn't buy. She is very obvious with it, right down to sending other people in with her child's dinner money when I worked at the school for a while.

She was very visibly uncomfortable when her child had a minor accident at school and she had to come and collect her in person. I had dealt with the issue, patched her DD up, comforted her and looked after her. It almost killed mum to thank me. Dad however is bloody lovely, so I happily smile and laugh at mum.

gandalf456 · 27/01/2016 09:36

I had a situation like this too. We'll, it was a friend of a friend so slightly different. I still said hello but it was awkward. However, it would have felt more so to blank her. I would have felt overly involved in something that had nothing to do with me. Oddly, no one blanked her husband who was equally culpable. Sorry a bit side tracked. The main point is that lots of us personally would find it very hard to ignore someone we actually knew. Obviously not everyone is like that if this thread is anything to go by - and of course our real life interactions too

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 09:44

I blanked both parties - I wouldn't have got involved at all but the 'wronged wife' was turning up to cry on my shoulder every evening and weekend and I had had enough of all three of them, tbh.

ThenBellaDidSomethingVeryKind · 27/01/2016 09:46

It's not PA to continue being civil to someone. It's about not stooping to their level, and leaving the door open to repairing things in the future. As PP have said, it's far harder work to blank someone.

tinofbiscuits · 27/01/2016 09:48

Well said Bella

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 11:30

It's not PA to be civil but it is PA to shout loud greetings in a vain attempt to wind them up.

From the point of view of the person doing the blanking, it really takes no effort at all.
trust me, it really takes no effort to blank someone

Kingfisherfree · 27/01/2016 12:53

Old people always pull people up if they think they are being rude tho Livia they would not accept someone just blanking them.

I have heard lots of older people making jokes when people are acting odd.

Like - Cheer up sweetheart cat got your tongue. Cheer up it might never happen etc etc.

It really is not on to blank people who say hello to you whether you like them or not. You don't have to have a conversation but to ignore people is incredibly rude and aggressive and maybe that's where these sayings come from to sort these people out!

gandalf456 · 27/01/2016 14:20

But what do you do if people are talking to you ? Do you still look the other way? Do you cross roads? Do you stick your nose in the air? Do you look straight through them? I honestly don't know how I could blank someone if they were speaking to me. This is what pp mean by taking a lot of effort to blank them. To me, it would be easier just to mutter quick hello than actively ignore someone speaking to me. I would feel very odd doing that. It would be as if I'm trying to make a huge statement to themthat I don't like them and I think life is a bit too short for that. I wouldn't feel good about myself for doing that and don't think I would get anything out of it even if the person deserved it

Meemolly · 27/01/2016 14:45

I agree Gandalf.

KERALA1 · 27/01/2016 14:49

Thats why I find this whole thing so odd! If you know someone even vaguely you give them a nod or smile as you walk past them. To not do so, persistently and resolutely is socially weird. Obviously not if there is some massive back story and you have run over their cat and laughed or something but otherwise its just basic politeness and how a civil society runs.

Thats why I found the woman who studiously ignored me after having quite a long (utterly uncontroversial) conversation and who was a neighbour quite strange. I don't care, but do think that she lacks manners and think badly of her for it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 15:36

If you know someone even vaguely you give them a nod or smile as you walk past them

No - I don't make any effort at all unless I know and either like or don't have any opinion of someone (eg work colleagues). It's not like I glare at them, I just don't look at them or speak to them. I usually find it easier to mess with my phone walking down the road so as to avoid those kind of situations - that way I can avoid eye contact with people.

But I suffer from anxiety so am sure I am 'socially weird' because I find it difficult in a one to one situation.

I also find the phone thing handy to avoid making eye contact with strangers due to having random people talk at me too many times!

Original poster
KittenLoverTheFirst · 27/01/2016 15:42

Well, I have been speaking to a friend today about it all. She knows this woman too and apparently this woman has form for cutting people off for seemingly no reason as my friend knows several others whom she has done it to in the past.

I guess she is just one of those people who takes offence at the slightest thing or reads things into situations that just aren't there, and then cuts the person off.

In any case, I have seen her twice today and just blanked her as though I didn't see her. I think I'd rather do that than keep being ignored.

OP posts:
Kingfisherfree · 27/01/2016 16:23

I also think that if you blank someone you don't like it shows that you are linguistically challenged. It shows that you cannot think of any other way to put that person down.

Look at all the great works of fiction by Austen, Shakespeare, Wilde et al they all thrive on social banter between people who don't like each other - they would be pretty short pieces if no one spoke to each other! Grin

captainfarrell · 27/01/2016 16:41

If she looks at you I'd say hello but if she ignores you I wouldn't bother. I don't understand people like that. I work in a school as a TA and always smile at parents on the way into school with their children, most are lovely but there are a few that just blank me. I can't work out if it's shyness, embarrassment or just plain rudeness. Some parents will not stoop so low to talk to the TA, it's really quite revealing and I'm not sure why it's acceptable.

christinarossetti · 27/01/2016 17:14

kitten, I did the same thing.

It's unpleasant being ignored, and just not bothering to acknowledge someone doesn't give them the chance to do that.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 17:25

I honestly don't know why anyone would give a shit if someone ignored them? Is it a need to be liked? I get that it might be unpleasant but my ego isn't big enough to think that I would upset someone but by ignoring them.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 17:44

And I'm not 'linguistically challenged'. Depending on your point of view I'm:

Anxious

Hate confrontation because nothing is solved (and once you get to that point with someone, that's the end of any kind of relationship with them anyway)

Not important enough to have that kind of effect on someone by ignoring them

A total cunt

Probably all four...

tinofbiscuits · 27/01/2016 19:12

I honestly don't know why anyone would give a shit if someone ignored them? Is it a need to be liked? I get that it might be unpleasant but my ego isn't big enough to think that I would upset someone but by ignoring them.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. And yes, your actions do have an impact on other people, whatever size your ego. I feel hurt if I am ignored by someone for no apparent reason. It leaves you guessing what's wrong with you in their eyes. That's hurtful, when you know you aim to be a nice person and certainly wouldn't have offended anyone on purpose.

Brightnorthernlights · 27/01/2016 19:21

Absolutely spot on, tinofbicuits.

whirlybird42 · 27/01/2016 19:45

It just seems good manners to acknowledge someone in the street that you recognise. Where I live, a brief exchange of "alright? Yeah you" suffices Smile Everyone speaks here, to everyone. It even happens when I'm out running.

My lovely grandad had the 3 strike rule. 3 attempts to say Good morning to people he passed in his village as he collected his paper and being blanked and he wouldn't bother again. It upsets me to think that people wouldn't return his greeting when often he wouldn't see anyone else all day.

For some people, this small contact can be cheering. I remember when I was going through a horrible time, it was lovely to encounter friendly people. As someone up thread said, it's far less effort to be nice.

pampickedpepper · 27/01/2016 20:15

I honestly don't know why anyone would give a shit if someone ignored them?

Just because it doesn't bother you, doesn't mean that others feel the same. People around me react to things in all sorts of ways that are not how I would feel but I try and have some empathy with them. i wouldn't even say my emotions are consistent on a day to day basis. if I'm having a bad day and then someone ignored me i might worry about what I'd done to offend them, whereas another day if someone ignored me I'd be concerned about whether they were ok or if they had some big problem on their mind.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2016 20:44

Well each to their own. I am a good friend but with every else I prefer to keep myself to myself.

SquinkiesRule · 27/01/2016 22:07

I've been smiling and saying Morning to all the local Mums for ages and reading this just had an Ah moment.
We moved here a couple of years back, I walked Dd to school the first few weeks alone, all well, mums friendly and chatty. I went off to work, Dh starts the school run, suddenly no one looks at me or speaks when I do the occasional school run. Dh is Aspie, he's probably blanked the whole village, and they lumped us together. He won't talk unless he knows you, or you are very determined and speak to him daily whether he likes it or not looking at you adorable chatty lady with cute dogs He'll wave to her, the lolly pop also chatty lady, and neighbors when driving even. There was me thinking I had committed some major faux pas.
Kill them with kindness. Say hello and smile daily, thats what I do, and I giggle inside knowing it's pissing them off.

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