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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about this Facebook post? (Scan/baby related)

147 replies

nicolapompicola · 25/01/2016 10:37

My partner and I found out on Friday what we're having. We decided to keep the news just to family and close friends. My partner's sister has posted a photo of the scan on Facebook, announcing the baby's gender to everyone.

I'm really upset and have asked her to delete the post but she's refused so far and all of her friends are joining in, saying it's okay for her to post it. I'd asked my own family not to post anything and thought my partner had done the same.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/01/2016 20:37

Nope! Not at all.

iliketeaalot · 26/01/2016 20:42

My dh's grandpa's partner did this to us - we'd told them that I was about 10 weeks pregnant and she decided to blab it all over Facebook. 10 weeks! And then no real meaningful apology. So we haven't felt like putting anything on Facebook and I'm almost due now. I know there will be people when I actually have the baby saying 'I didn't know you were pregnant' but she just made me feel like not wanting to share anything. I totally get why you're upset. I'm still pretty upset about my situation even now. Your news, you get to share it, especially something as important and personal as this.

moopymoodle · 26/01/2016 20:43

Sorry but it sounds like your being too precious over the full thing. Yes I can see why you would want to keep it to yourself. But to not warn her then publicly attack her for making a mistake makes you look petty. Yes it's your news yo share but why didn't you explain in person, she may have been more reasonable. Sounds to me as if u are using the pregnancy for drama

AppleSetsSail · 26/01/2016 20:50

To answer your question OP, no, I wouldn't be impressed if someone posted my scan picture on FB. I'd have reported it to FB and been done with it. I'd never allow myself to be dragged into a FB spat - I'm not on it so easily done.

I wouldn't be surprised if (given the tone of your posts) she felt backed into a corner by your demands and felt the need to dig her heels in to save face.

It seems that your family is now not speaking over this and I gather you'll deny your husband's family access to your new baby? Pretty severe outcome over a trivial matter, all things considered. I hope someone sees sense at some point.

Your SIL was silly, but your reaction was over the top and now your parents in law are involved. I'd be mortified.

moopymoodle · 26/01/2016 20:58

Totally agree Apple!

Yes sil shouldn't have shared it but she wasn't aware it was a secret. Very huge over reaction.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/01/2016 20:58

Yup, using the baby in a spiteful manner, as a bargaining chip, is pretty awful. Sil hasn't Done anything to harm you or your child and I think it'd be pushing it to say she's caused you emotional distress. She behaved like a dick, yes. But threatening police action and now saying about access to the kid is pretty awful tbh.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2016 21:03

so you are having a boy - congrats, tho lots more strangers know you are having a boy now on mn

how did she get the pic?

and yes if you and dp/her brother both asked to remove and she didnt then you have a right to be annoyed

but

sounds like you have bigger problems now with mil etc as you threatened to call the police on a fb status, which tbh i think the police would do bugger all about

AppleSetsSail · 26/01/2016 21:09

I've been married 15 years, my SIL is hard work and she's behaved badly on many occasions. She might even say the same about me (she'd be wrong). We're bound for all eternity so we just move on.

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2016 21:09

She has eventually taken it down yesterday- after I had threatened to go to the police over the matter.

Wow. Just wow.

She was unreasonable in leaving the photo up but what a way to escalate the situation. I'm glad you got what you wanted and I hope you're happy with the way you've acted.

LemurFingers · 26/01/2016 21:18

there you go

sykadelic · 26/01/2016 21:34

I don't actually think this is about the picture at all, it's the blatant disregard for the OP's request/demand to take it down.

If she's willing to do something as "trivial" (as many of your pointed out) as not remove a scan photo (a medical document for the OP in all honesty) then the OP cannot trust that she will listen to anything else she asks/requests for her/their child.

I'd feel pretty upset if I were the OP as well :)

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/01/2016 21:37

The OP is well within her rights to be upset. Threatening to call the police and stopping her sil from seeing her nephew is ridiculous though.

coconutpie · 26/01/2016 22:19

Oh FFS, the OP was well within her rights to "threaten to call the police" - although the police would most likely have told her it wasn't a police matter, but at least it resolved the situation for her and the photo was taken down. Her SIL posted a photo of her uterus up on Facebook, FFS! And then said her nephew, her photo, her choice. Fuck that, SIL needs to be put in her place. She sounds totally unhinged.

OP, if SIL does see your baby, do not allow her take photos because she will plaster them up all over Facebook. I also would be telling your DH that unless his parents and sister start respecting your decisions as parents (which includes no photos on Facebook) that access will be limited and no photos allowed.

I feel very strongly about children's privacy on the Internet - I don't think it's appropriate at all to post pics of DC on Facebook (even though some of my friends post pics of their DC) but anytime a relative asks to take a photo, I tell them no uploading to social media and they all respect that.

This reminds me of that thread where the OP's sister was taking loads of photos of her DC and refusing to allow the OP even see the photos. People are bloody weird.

ValiantMouse · 26/01/2016 23:36

The bit that gets me is her refusal to take the post down. If it was honestly posted in error, then fair enough. I think most of us would say sorry and take it down regardless of our own feeling about if it should be up or not.

The her nephew, her photo, her choice it is mind boggling. I'm fairly sure that photos taken by a pro always belong to them- you're just paying for the rights to use them. I know it isn't exactly the same because it's a scan, but it really isn't her photo, especially because it's a photo of your insides!

Jezebel555 · 26/01/2016 23:58

Has it not occurred to anybody that clearly the SIL is a much bigger issue than just this incident? Because that's what I see, and posting her scan picture on FB and refusing to remove it was just the icing on the cake.
My nephew my choice bla bla I've never heard such shit in my life. She sounds toxic and I wouldn't want her near my kids!

sykadelic · 27/01/2016 00:15

Jezebel555 yes it has, such as my post above yours.

I would have reported the picture to FB as well but I don't know where they stand on that sort of thing... I know they take kid pics down but would they take down a scan photo?

I get that perhaps her family would think it was an overreaction to threaten to call the police (as many posters here agree, though admittedly I do not) but even so, it leads back to them agreeing that she was within her rights to spread someone else's medical information online.

They clearly see this child as "theirs" and the OP is simply the incubator (sadly how I think my in-laws will feel, though they might pretend otherwise to anyone who asks). It's actually a perfect opportunity to set some ground rules and it's actually good that it's over something as "trivial" as a gender reveal/scan photo.

SoThatHappened · 27/01/2016 01:39

If family and friends already knew, what did it matter if a bunch of strangers knew too?

I never got the selective telling. Tell everyone or tell no one.

But once all the close friends and family know, there is honestly no one left who will care that much about what you're having, so what does it matter if they know?

Balaboosta · 27/01/2016 07:43

Be annoyed for a bit. But then realise that you are being a bit precious. Your control over this news ends when you tell others. Especially when you send them scan pictures - which I think is totally . Scan pictures are medical diagnostic tools, not fluffy baby pics. When the baby comes you'll have plenty of news to tell - loads of it, for years and years. So take a deep breath and pace yourself. Anyway, IME telling people pregnancy news was a massive anticlimax - far more important to me than to them. I'd built it up in my mind into something that would provoke tears of joy and hailstorms of congratulation. In reality, most people said "how nice" and carries on with their day. So basically, here's a grip.

Balaboosta · 27/01/2016 07:46

Well I can see you've let this get beyond the "deep breath" stage. I think you've handled this really badly. Why on earth did you send her a picture in the first place?!

nooka · 27/01/2016 08:10

I shared pictures of my scan with my close family. That's why they give you a copy to take home isn't it? My two were born a while ago, when it wasn't so easy to take a picture and send it on, but now that would seem quite a normal thing to do. I would expect my family to respond in the same way to an electronic picture as they did to the real thing. Take a look, say how lovely and move on.

Not to post the picture, obviously intended for them only onto a facebook page open to all sorts of people that I don't know. That's a really really odd thing to do. Very intrusive and inappropriate.

Then to refuse to remove the picture despite repeated requests, and to get so shirty about it. The person in the wrong here is the SIL. Totally asnd completely.

OP, sorry you have such a shitty SIL. You know now to keep her out of your life as much as possible.

Jezebel555 · 27/01/2016 08:52

I wonder if people would be saying the OP was over reacting if the knob of a sister in law had posted a photo of the baby/child when the parents had a general no Facebook rule (which many people do)
At the end of the day that scan photo in FB speak wasn't the SIL property.
Posting it when it's not her baby is weird. Refusing to take it down is just ridiculous. I agree with a PP about the family seeing the child as theirs and her as an incubator. I'd be setting ground rules now as well, because some people just have no idea of what is acceptable and or are complete tossers

Wagglebees · 27/01/2016 08:58

Oh god, The drama.

AIBU about this Facebook post? (Scan/baby related)

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