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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this Facebook post? (Scan/baby related)

147 replies

nicolapompicola · 25/01/2016 10:37

My partner and I found out on Friday what we're having. We decided to keep the news just to family and close friends. My partner's sister has posted a photo of the scan on Facebook, announcing the baby's gender to everyone.

I'm really upset and have asked her to delete the post but she's refused so far and all of her friends are joining in, saying it's okay for her to post it. I'd asked my own family not to post anything and thought my partner had done the same.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mummymeister · 25/01/2016 10:56

How did your partners sister get the photo of the scan? did you really send it out to family members with the news about the baby's gender?

People feel that if you have shared something publically, albeit within a fairly small family circle, that its ok for them to click share.

I just do not understand it. its rude. you know not to do this again and keep all future scan pictures away from her. this is going to happen when you give birth, she will want to be first with the news, so think about how to handle this now.

its just in some people to do this and all you can do is keep the information well away from them. I would certainly add a comment as others have said. at the very least her friends will know you weren't happy about it.

VaginaRecliner · 25/01/2016 10:56

There's strangers out there who know what I'm having, for God's sake!

Why on earth does this bother you? Since you're a stranger to them, they couldn't care less what you're having, or even that you're pregnant at all.

You can't expect people to keep that kind of a secret.

Posting your scan photo, however, is really inappropriate and I'm pretty sure you can report to Facebook and they'll remove it.

MackerelOfFact · 25/01/2016 10:56

YANBU, that's ridiculous. Not her news, not her photo. How did she even get the scan photo?! Technically they're part of your medical notes and it's a massive confidentiality breach for someone to post it on social media without express permission.

However - in the nicest possible way - the gender of a baby is never THAT much of a surprise. It generally only goes one of two ways! And to be perfectly honest, people that you've never met will give zero fucks about your baby's gender anyway.

ollieplimsoles · 25/01/2016 10:58

Why does she have a copy of your scan picture op?

But she's been horribly unreasonable, I would just completely ignore her through out the rest of my pregnancy and keep her in the dark about the birth too,

She sounds quite young, how old is she?

ZiggyFartdust · 25/01/2016 10:59

No seriously folks, you cannot tell, order, or demand that people don't share things you have told them. You can ASK them not to, and hope that they won't. Or you can not tell them in the first place, if you don't have the kind of relationship where asking nicely would work.

If you didn't want your scan picture shared, perhaps you shouldn't have been giving it to people?

GNRmama · 25/01/2016 11:00

I'm afraid I'd go ballistic if this was me. And id never assume I could post anyone's news on Facebook before they had done so. She is a rude cow and refusing to take it down is unbelievable. I'm so angry for you! Your DH needs to get her told

Sandbrook · 25/01/2016 11:04

Very unreasonable of your sis in law but I agree with previous, you've already told all the people who really care.
I wouldn't worry about everyone else as it's not that big a deal for them. I know it is for you and your family and quite rightly too but they won't really care.
Report pic to fb, and make sure you tell sis in law that when you have the baby under no circumstances should she post anything on fb until you have.

caitlinohara · 25/01/2016 11:06

YANBU but there's not much you can do about it. She may have just been really excited and didn't think. I am in a charitable mood this morning though, there is every possibility she is a cow.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/01/2016 11:08

What is wrong with your SIL? Reasonable people who apologise and remove.

Alicewasinwonderland · 25/01/2016 11:08

I am so sorry for you, what a cow!

I understand if she had been all excited and unwillingly made a mistake by sharing the news, but once you've asked her to remove it, she is just being pathetic, probably trying to grab attention from your news.

You have done nothing wrong, it's very common to tell parents and siblings but no-one else, and they keep the secret for you. The normal reaction is to feel included in the good news and keep your mouth shut. You have done a nice thing by not excluding her, now you know what kind of person she is.

Let it go, and never tell her anything in the future. She must have a pathetically empty life is she needs to act like that. Enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby, she doesn't matter.

mintoil · 25/01/2016 11:14

How did she get your scan photo?

Are you sure DH told her not to share?

Even if he didn't, I would expect her to remove the FB post as soon as you asked (assuming you did it nicely)

Littleelffriend · 25/01/2016 11:17

I would be very upset by this

Helmetbymidnight · 25/01/2016 11:17

Poor you.

I'd ignore the whole thing for now.

But never tell her anything in the future. From hence, she will always be known as 'the last to know'

Farawaytreeandme · 25/01/2016 11:20

How about trying to report the post to FB if it really upsets you? It gives you some options to choose from and can take a little while, but they usually take thing down. FWIW, I'd be fuming and really upset about that. I'd see it as a huge betrayal. A 'friend' announced the birth of DS1 on FB before I had a chance to and believe me, I was devastated...it's your news to tell.

CocktailQueen · 25/01/2016 11:22

I can totally understand why you're annoyed. Why would someone post someone else's news like that? Bizarre. Not her news to tell about.

Don't tell her anything in future - and make sure she knows that you and your husband are both cross with her.

Seeyounearertime · 25/01/2016 11:24

I'd be absolutely fuming tbh and I think I'd be thinking up a secret she wouldn't want all and sundry to know and then posting to her wall for all her friends to see... I obviously wouldn't though. Grin

Inertia · 25/01/2016 11:25

It's very frustrating.

At least you'll know for next time- don't give her any information unless you are happy for everybody else to know about it too. And don't tell her about the birth until you've had the opportunity to contact the other people who need to know.

Philoslothy · 25/01/2016 11:27

Have to admit that I don't get the big secret about gender especially when you have already told people. It also look as if you sent out the scan picture which seems a little odd if secrecy is so important. In reality very few people really care about the gender of your unborn child.

However if you asked her to keep your secret she should have done.

kaitlinktm · 25/01/2016 11:28

all of her friends are joining in, saying it's okay for her to post it

Well that's very magnanimous of them considering it's fuck all to do with them! Angry

I am not very good with FB I admit - have you commented publicly on her post saying what you think and requesting it to be removed, or is that not the done thing?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/01/2016 11:30

Id never share other people's news. It's nothing to do with loyalty. Just the simple fact that ive got enough going on in my own life with out talking about other people's news

scarednoob · 25/01/2016 11:32

I think you need to clarify with your DH whether he asked her to keep it a secret. But either way, she should have taken it down when you asked. It doesn't matter in the slightest if she thinks you should share the news. It's YOUR/DH's news, and how you do it is up to you and nobody else.

(We did something similar - DP and I found out, but didn't tell anyone as we wanted to announce it as a surprise. It was a compromise because I wanted to know and he didn't.)

My friend has a SIL who does this - when their oldest DD was born, she put a picture of herself holding the baby on fb the same day, before the parents had chance to announce the birth themselves! To this day she is v weird about it - her profile pics are always her and the 2 girls; she puts up hundreds of pics of her and her brother but not my friend (so it looks as if they are her kids)... It's bizarre. But she's 46 and been single for 20 years and desperately wanted her own kids, so my friend lets her do it. Does your SIL have any reasons that you think could excuse it? If not, and if it were me, I would talk to DH and then have a polite but firm chat with SIL to explain that she's taking the shine off YOUR news.

AliceInUnderpants · 25/01/2016 11:33

So did you partner tell her not to share the news or not??

SevenOfNineTrue · 25/01/2016 11:39

and thought my partner had done the same.

I'd say your issue is there. You don't know what he said to her, if anything. It is up to him to sort her out.

She is likely one of these people who lives her life on Facebook and does not accept that what she has done is wrong.

Moomintroll85 · 25/01/2016 11:41

I guess the issue of the baby's sex is likely to get out if you choose to tell some people. But why in fuck does she think it's ok to share someone else's scan photo?! Confused

That would annoy me way more than her blabbing about whether the baby is a boy or a girl.

Perhaps your partner wasn't clear with her. But she should take it down if you've asked.

AppleSetsSail · 25/01/2016 11:43

I had a friend who did this, she and her husband found out what the sex was of her first baby and they told only their respective mothers.

I found it a bit silly, to be honest. Surely the surprise is most meaningful to the parents, and essentially irrelevant to everyone else?

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