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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to uproot my family for my own

147 replies

TwinkleToesForever · 24/01/2016 20:34

Hi there

I am a long time lurker but irregular poster on Mumsnet. Am in a pickle and could do with some good advice.

Long story short - did a bad move out of London to rural Midlands 5 years ago, something that I hugely regret and have not settled. I have now persuaded DH to move back to the smoke ( he works in central London and commutes) however, it also means a move for my DD and DS ( 8 and 5) who are both settled and happy at an idyllic country school. When we have bought up a move, it has not gone down well, lots of tears and anxiety. If we moved I could actually do a job I like and be nearer to the action. AIBU and v selfish? As parents should you put your kids happiness first? Need words of wisdom and any good news stories of those who have done similar.

OP posts:
Whatdoidohelp · 25/01/2016 09:38

As others said you need to address properly why you aren't happy. If your husband is and so are your two children I think it's selfish to move.

waitingforsomething · 25/01/2016 09:40

I don't think yabu actually. They have got most of their school careers left; why should you be unhappy for that long? It's horrible to live somewhere you are not happy and your children won't benefit from having a miserable mum.
They are very little- one school move will be fine, and at 5 and 8 they will make new friends and forget their old school fairly quickly. As long as you don't intend to keep moving around it won't be a long term problem.
We moved for my dads job when we were 5, 8 and 10. Everyone was just fine and no long lasting effects

HeteronormativeHaybales · 25/01/2016 11:22

Humpty - am surprised and Sad at your experiences in London. Have visited a few times with small and smallish kids and have had people falling over themselves to help - a TfL worker who went out of his way to carry my luggage down an escalator when I had dc in a sling (and I hadn't even asked for help!), people offering my then 8 and 6yo seats on tubes. Have taken away a wonderful impression of how nice Londoners are.

lborgia · 25/01/2016 11:30

I'm not sure you meant me. Unless i made a typo that did the opposite of what i wanted. I said all my friends had moved out of London.

cestlavielife · 25/01/2016 11:40

kids move all the time because of their parents...work/desires.

you and you h choose, not them; there are lots of positives for you all.

package it up positively and the dc will be fine. If you can afford a nice place to live (try and get some outside space even if small) in a nice area near parks etc (most places not far from parks) then London will be great .

RubbleBubble00 · 25/01/2016 11:49

My husband works away. I would def move in your situation just to have him around.more and be a bigger part of family life. Plus he will be able to take part in school stuff by taking an hour off rather than a day

TheHouseOnTheLane · 25/01/2016 11:52

We've recently moved to Australia from a similar idyllic rural village in the UK and our DC are 11 and 7 and they've been just fine.

When approaching them, it's best not to ask them what they think. It's best to leave all discussion until it's decided...then tell them....and lean heavily on the positives.

We told ours when it was all arranged and not before. They were 10 and 6...they can't make choices like this...it was up to us as parents to decide and we felt that it was the right choice.

We have a massive garden, very clean air, more money, more friends...I have a better job. Those things are huge.

TheBouquets · 25/01/2016 12:39

I am watching this thread because I want to move and I am finding it hard to arrange things round the needs and wishes of others and myself. At the moment there are no jobs involved in the decision making. The distances talked about are not great. People commute from these areas to the place we now are. DM also wants to move but as DS is happy with DM/G as babysitter I don't want her or me to move in opposite directions. Main problem is DS can be difficult with change but as Y2 would have to do as adults wish. I don't want to lose DS favoured babysitter nor do I want DM dashing miles at various times.
It is so difficult to decide at the best of times but to try to suit more than one person is a minefield.
Gathering good points for discussion from this thread. I hope it all goes well for OP

Whatthefoxgoingon · 25/01/2016 12:50

I'd go just to cut the long commute and give kids more time with their father. Add in the myriad of benefits of living in London, diverse culture etc it's a no brainer for me. The pollution outside central London is not bad at all, and getting better.

The only thing that would stop me is not being able to afford a big enough house. If you can, then of course you should go!

TheHouseOnTheLane · 25/01/2016 12:50

Bouquets it depends on the reasons for your desired move. If it's because you'd have a nicer house, be near good schools etc then it's worth it imo.

Children often say they don't want or like change. But the fact is, some change is inevitable in life and it's good for them to learn to cope with it.

WoodHeaven · 25/01/2016 12:54

No issue on my side about moving children. You are not going to destroy them by moving away to another place.

You are unhappy. Your DH has a very long commute. You are both happy to move back to London. That's what's going to happen. I wouldn't let the dcs think that they have any say in the matter.
I would be careful about finding an area to move to with good schools etc... but I'm sure you are well aware about that.

Re finding the reasons why you haven't settled. I'm sure you have done that already tbh. Some people just don't do well in the countryside just as some people don't do well in big towns. That's fine.

TheBouquets · 25/01/2016 13:10

House on the Lane - Thanks for your comments. I would have a better house elsewhere. DM/G would have a better and more suitable house.
DM says it is more me that does not want change for DS rather than DS.
DM is going into health problems (and age!) and wants to be settled before things get bad.

It seems it is just finding two places nearby now.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 25/01/2016 14:02

Bouquets so do you live with DM or is it just that she'd move if you did? Would you both have to sell? Or are you renting? Either way, the moves don't have to happen at the same time...decide on the area, do the research in terms of suitable properties and get you or DM moved and then the other follow.

These things just feel scary. When we emigrated, I didn't have a job and whilst DH did, it wasn't the sort he wanted and we had to stay at his Mum's for 6 months till we'd chosen a town etc that we wanted to live in.

All felt very "seat of the pants" but life's for living and change is good!

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 25/01/2016 14:44

IBorgia
I was replying to your comment:

Anyone who has not lived in a main city seems horrified at the thought of raising children there but seriously, it is wonderful

I do, and have lived in a main city, and I am still horrified at the thought that my daughter might grow up here. That's what I meant! Smile

TheBouquets · 25/01/2016 14:44

House on the Hill Thanks for further comments.

DM has own houses. Was a buy to let owner but now selling off to retire.
I have council house not great house or area. Both DM and me are at "change points" for different reasons. I have just split up and DM health not good and widowed. DM wants certain direction I want another. Wont know distances till at least one of us has a property. DM is anxious and worried about being homeless! She has no reason to worry about money. I don't want the backlash of DS being moved and perhaps being upset. DM feels this is her last chance to live where she would be happy. Has awful neighbours and worried about them. I see they are strange to be polite and it would be easier on my mind if she moved.
I so admire you for jumping in and moving half way round the world. We are talking here of about 20 to 40 miles maximum depending on who goes where. With DM age and DS fixed views I would never dare to go with the seat of my pants! I would love to be so adventurous.

Gowgirl · 25/01/2016 18:39

I have just jumped from rural to zone 2, DS loves it I'm happier, Dh didn't realise what he was missing...I can honestly say I intend to never leave again! I think you should make the move that is best for you!

Original poster
TwinkleToesForever · 25/01/2016 19:20

Thanks Gowgirl - have you found it difficult to get a school place for DS? And have you have to massively compromise on space? I am prepared to do this but interested to hear more about your situation...

OP posts:
lborgia · 25/01/2016 20:28

Hi humpty - oh that! It's not the same thing. I was talking about people who haven't lived in a city. You have. Plenty of city dwellers want to leave, I was talking about the people who live here abouts who haven't and assume it's akin to sending your children up chimneys. If you've lived in the city I reckon you're in a position to comment on whether it's a good idea or not.

Apologies for pedantry, I think I was shocked to be highlighted, and therefore worried I'd been really rude. Blush

And apology to Op for slight detour.

Headofthehive55 · 25/01/2016 21:12

Moved lots of times.

Have moved our children, with hindsight absolutely the wrong thing. They didn't settle very quickly at all. We moved south, couldn't stand living in the south and were absolutely desparate to get back. So I understand.

you have to do what's right for you...I felt stifled in a city as a teen, couldn't wait to get away. We live in a large village and it's right for us.

Headofthehive55 · 25/01/2016 21:28

Just a thought - children grow rapidly. What seems like a small compromise on space now in time will feel constraining. Also children cost more as they grow. So your cost of living increases dramatically.

whois · 25/01/2016 22:22

If DH is commuting from the midlands to london at the moment, wouldn't living in london be better as he'll get more time with the family? Arguably more important than a bigger garden.

whois · 25/01/2016 22:24

I had a change in primary and it was absolutely fine. Settled fine. It's so subjective - on the whole kids will be ok with a change.

Thisismyfirsttime · 25/01/2016 22:43

It's not just for you though is it OP? Your DH will have less of a commute and be able to spend more time with you all. That's good for all of you.
Personally I could never leave London, we have the (free!) museums, the Heath, Hyde Park, the Southbank, the theatres, the restaurants, the West End, Harrods, the markets- Portobello, Camden, Spitalfields. The City Farms. Margate/ Broadstairs/ Ramsgate a 1.5hr drive away. Southend/ Brighton for stone beaches. You can get the train or drive. I love London.
Do you bring your dc's here often? If they see what they're missing (go all out one weekend) they may be just as enthusiastic. I know I am very biased, I have had a very brief taste of country living although we were in a big nearby town but it's not the same. Ultimately you should do what's right for your family and it sounds like you would all have more time together, you would be happier and DH would be less knackered if you were in London. Don't shoulder all the responsibility yourself as if it's a purely selfish decision because it doesn't sound like it is!

Greengager · 25/01/2016 23:02

I'd just name changed in order to post the same thing so it has been interesting to see the responses. My children are settled and happy but we have the same issues re commuting etc. We had greener spaces and nicer neighbours in London. I cry about our awful decision to move here almost every day. I'm not brave enough to go back to London though. Feel I would ruin my son's life. Sad

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 26/01/2016 07:13

Iborgia not rude at all! You were just expressing your view!