AIBU to uproot my family for my own

[TwinkleToesForever]

Hi there

I am a long time lurker but irregular poster on Mumsnet. Am in a pickle and could do with some good advice.

Long story short - did a bad move out of London to rural Midlands 5 years ago, something that I hugely regret and have not settled. I have now persuaded DH to move back to the smoke ( he works in central London and commutes) however, it also means a move for my DD and DS ( 8 and 5) who are both settled and happy at an idyllic country school. When we have bought up a move, it has not gone down well, lots of tears and anxiety. If we moved I could actually do a job I like and be nearer to the action. AIBU and v selfish? As parents should you put your kids happiness first? Need words of wisdom and any good news stories of those who have done similar.

[RaskolnikovsGarret]

My teen DDs adore living in London (zone 3). Lots of green space, but a short tube ride to Covent Garden, Oxford Street etc. They would hate to live anywhere else.

[2rebecca]

Age 8 and 5 children don't like change. That doesn't mean they shouldn't have change though. I think children are usually happier when their parents are happier. We moved twice for my dad's job. If you can afford London there is loads to do there and as older kids they'll enjoy it.
I'd just get on with it and don't discuss it a lot until the move is fairly imminent then take them to see new house etc.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

OP, you said: "it's not that bad - just boring and unfulfilling, have to drive everywhere, no culture etc etc"

Might I suggest that living somewhere more rural isn't the issue, it's merely the rural you went to! I live in what is considered a rural part of the country - Gloucestershire - and I live 5 miles from the nearest sizeable town (Cheltenham) which has more culture than you could possibly shake a stick at: two theatres, two cinemas, a literature festival, a jazz festival, a folk festival, a classical music festival, a science festival, you name it. It's fabulous for kids as well as adults. Where I live I have buses that run until 23.30 most nights and until 03.30 on Friday and Saturday nights. Where I live I am surrounded by green fields.

Transport links are generally good and you can be in Oxford, Bristol, Birmingham, Cardiff, Stratford on Avon (for more culture), Swindon (no culture at all) within, or just over, one hour.

Having worked in London for many years, I love visiting but would hate to live there. I second the earlier suggestion of moving nearer to London but to somewhere where there is more going on. Oxford is a city but you never feel like you're living in one, the rail links to London are fabulous (for your DH's commute), there is tonnes of culture, great museums, countryside on your doorstep? Best of both worlds.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I live on the outskirts of London. 5 mins drive from a tube station. I can be in Oxford street in 35 mins. No pollution here as we have more horses going past the house than cars. Although we are close to London we are in a totally rural looking setting. My only problem is I have to get in my car for everything. Nearest shops are 2 miles away up an unlit unpavemented road.

I can sympathise op as I too lived in the countryside for a number of years and hated everything about it. Never seen so much drug paraphernalia left lying about.

[Ruthiesj]

I grew up in Zone 3 and had such a positive childhood and teenage years here. Plenty of green space, a sensible dose of independence and access to world leading museums, libraries, theatres, galleries, etc. My first child is on the way and I would love to raise her in London, but we cannot afford to buy here so will likely be forced to move out in a few years' time.

Happier parents, in addition to the above, and I know what my decision would be.

[Ruthiesj]

StillDr I'm sorry but two cinemas, two theatres and some annual(?) festivals doesn't really compare to the year round cultural opportunities of London. That's a very narrow definition or offering of culture, but what about access to global cuisine and festivals, gigs, exhibitions, comedy clubs, plus the hundreds of galleries, museums and theatres.

[Oriunda]

I don't understand all these references to dirt and smog? We live in zone 4 - 30mins to Oxford Street. It's green, with forests, parks, lakes all around.

[Gowgirl]

We have more space and I was very quick to get DS in school, he's now in a class of 26 as opposed to 38 in his village school. I hated the small minded attitude prevailing in our former village and the casual drug use among supposed adults not to mention the very white quite racist attitude amongst my former neighbours. I just feel a diverse city is a healthier place to raise children.

[Gowgirl]

I didn't discuss the move with the children, I told them and played up the positives. In my case I had stiff opposition from close family who all love living by the sea in a small place. Personally I feel like I've escaped from exile. If you have to compromise on space I think it is worth it, we are always out and about, we spend more time as a family doing things because there is always something going on, before there was nothing in the winter months that didn't involve a long drive with 3 DCs or a lot of money on entrance fees etc...a picnic on the beach is no fun in January in a gale!

[Funandgamesandfun]

Do it. London is the best place in the world to bring up kids and in zone 2/3 you will get decent parks, nothing beats Hampstead Heath and can be in the country in 20 minutes. The experiences and exposure my kids get from a London childhood is amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Ruthie I didn't want to provide an exhaustive list (yes the festivals are annual, I didn't name them all, but the Literature is the biggest in the UK). We have Michelin-rated restaurants; a brand new art gallery and museum; the Town Hall for classical music concerts, gigs, comedy; other art galleries; wine bars with live music; one of the country's biggest racecourses; we get big names out her in the sticks, you know. I could go on. Obviously nowhere in the country can compete with London, and I didn't say it could, but the OP was suggesting in one of her postings that rural life = no culture which I was simply pointing out is not the case and that there are plenty of supposedly rural areas that have plenty of culture. But for a town of Cheltenham's size (population 110,000), the amount of stuff going on here is phenomenal and all easily accessible to the small towns and villages within a few miles distance, many of which also have their own offerings.

[DG2016]

No dirt andsmog here either (zone 5, private road, wood opposite, horses go by, detached house) and fast tube to London

Also do a search of all the recent articles showing how much better children in all types of schools do in London schools compared say to many rural areas. Also move the children now. It can be cruel to move older children and teenagers. There are so many more jobs for them when they get older too in London.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Greengager - I totally empathise with your situation try not to beat yourself up and take heart from some of the great advice on this thread re ruining your son's life. Is there anything else stopping you from moving back?

[Gowgirl]

Just got back from the market, I think the kids got a whiff of smog getting off the bus however I think the fresh fish for dinner will make up for it!

Greengager - if you are really that unhappy your son will be picking up on it! It might be time to move home.

[RB68]

Not one of you has mentioned schooling - can you get them in???

[Tamponlady]

Your cazy op

Your condemning your children to a life of renting if they want to stay with in their support network alone unless you are millionaire by the time they are in early adult hood a 1 bed flat will be about 700k
We just moved out with a teen best thing I ever did he will be able to afford a home of his own with out moving hundreds of miles away from his family my neighbors are all early 20s with their own home somthing you could only dream of in London


no point having a high flying job and all the oppatuintly that London brings if you don't have anywhere to live

[Tamponlady]

And also one would imagine you would be moving to a smaller home again unless you have no mortgage or are minted


In London we could only ever of afforded a studio flat down here we have a 5 bed home

[TwinkleToesForever]

Tampon - yes we would be moving to a smaller place but think we can afford a 3 bed in a decent area. I would be prepared to compromise on space, but as RB68 mentions, schools are a concern. I've just been looking at schools in Haringey and Hackney and in year admissions can be tricky. I'd need to get them both into the same school ( DCs are v close and I'd want them to be together if poss) if we can't get them into the same school, that would be a deal breaker for me.

[TwinkleToesForever]

By the way Tampon - we'd be renting down there ( and renting out our current home) rather than buying initially, would feel less risky if it all goes t**s up!

[TwinkleToesForever]

Gowgirl - I have to echo what you're saying in your post - 'small-minded attitude' is a major factor for me wanting to move from this area. I have been shocked at some of the opinions and attitudes amongst the school mums here.

[Gowgirl]

I found ealings in year admission process resonably straight forward, it took about 8 days between moving and enrolling

[Gowgirl]

It was the final nail in the coffin for us when my son came out with some derogatory remarks about Muslims which he sure as hell didn't learn at home. I've seen nice kids turn into teenagers with no real ambition, and no sense of there being a world outside West Sussex...I could not risk that for my own children.

[whois]

I think a lot of posters commenting negatively are the people who shudder at the mear mention of 'london'.

If you had posed the question "My DH has a horrible commute and hardly sees the children. I would be happier living in the city nearer his work as well, only downside is we would have to move from a 5 bed to a 3 bed house as that area is more expensive" you'd have had way more positive responses.

[HarrietVane99]

I think the benefits to your dh, and to your family as a whole, of reducing his commute, are on their own good enough reasons to move.

Plus as you said, not having to drive everywhere. And when your DC reach secondary age, having access to public transport and a range of activities, and being able to plan their own social lives without having to rely on an adult to ferry them about, will be good for all of you.

I grew up in a London suburb and one of the best parts was being able to go out and about as and when I pleased without having to arrange a lift. In fact it was a rule that if I or my sib!ings wanted to go somewhere, we had to make our own arrangements to get there and back, as my dad drove quite a lot during the week in the course of his job and my mum said he shouldn't be expected to spend his weekends driving his DC around. It was an excellent rule, it made us independent.