AIBU to uproot my family for my own

[TwinkleToesForever]

Hi there

I am a long time lurker but irregular poster on Mumsnet. Am in a pickle and could do with some good advice.

Long story short - did a bad move out of London to rural Midlands 5 years ago, something that I hugely regret and have not settled. I have now persuaded DH to move back to the smoke ( he works in central London and commutes) however, it also means a move for my DD and DS ( 8 and 5) who are both settled and happy at an idyllic country school. When we have bought up a move, it has not gone down well, lots of tears and anxiety. If we moved I could actually do a job I like and be nearer to the action. AIBU and v selfish? As parents should you put your kids happiness first? Need words of wisdom and any good news stories of those who have done similar.

[2rebecca]

I partly grew up in Greater London and it was fine. Lots of green areas and loads to do. No smog. If the OP lived there before though she'll know this and ignore people whose knowledge of London is based on Dickens.
Kids just don't like change. Mine used to moan about leaving the house to go to the park and then moan about leaving the park to return home. When with me they'd moan about having to go to their dad's and when with their dad they'd moan about coming here.
I think experiencing different areas is good for you, provided you're not moving every couple of years. I find the idea of living in the same town all your life really strange.

[AldeandOre]

I am the opposite to you. I live in London and long to live in the country, where I grew up. However, my children are all settled here and love being in London and go to fantastic schools. They are aged 10, 13, 15, 17, and all except the youngest make their own way to school and to after school activities, go to scouts, concerts, gymnastics, football, parkour, ceramics classes etc without me having to take them. There is so much going on and they take such good advantage of it. DH and I both have jobs in London and although I could do mine anywhere, he would have to commute. We don't have a car, and don't miss having one.

So I tell myself that the rest of the family is very happy in London and that there is no way of reproducing all that in the country. However, as soon as the youngest is off to university, I'm packing my bags for my rural idyll.

So I suppose there are two messages. One is that sometimes it is worth living somewhere you don't like for the sake of the rest of the family, just tell yourself it's not for ever. But secondly, for teenagers it is hard to beat living in London.

I don't know if that helps, OP!

[Headofthehive55]

Move where you feel happiest! Your children might be like you and enjoy London. (I like walking up mountains or at least a big hill and parks and green spaces just don't do it for me. ) my kids are like me and just don't like the city at all. In fact when my DD was choosing a uni we were unfortunately buttonholed by a woman determined to persuade my DD that London was a good place to be at uni. My DD didn't even like city unis. You like what you like, for whatever reason. There is areas of London and areas of London and countryside and countryside.

[Greengager]

Gow I know he's picked up on it. DH tells me that you can just fake being happy with young kids. You can't.

Twinkle it's the schools that really worry me. There are no spaces in any schools in our old area at the moment. DS's school here is great, fantastic even but my big issue with it is the drive and how none of his friends are close by.

I was suffering from depression and anxiety when we made the decision to move out. We knew it was the wrong decision as were doing it and its bright a lot of MH and marriage issues for us. I'm not actually sure we could survive the journey back. I'm a bit of a coward.

I've actually met lots of nice people down here but really miss having people round the corner and feel like I spend no time with my kids as we are either commuting or cleaning / maintaining the massive millstone we brought.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Greengager - Feel for you, your story parallels mine in many ways, I wasn't depressed when we moved away but it was definitely a knee jerk reaction to a specific situation and one that I hugely regret. Anyway, like you, its the schools that worry me too and I also wonder if I have the energy for the move and the potential fall out of not getting a school place, having moved DC from a school they were happy at.

But then I think your DH is right - you can't 'fake' happiness to your DS and as others have re-assured me on this thread, kids are resilient and things have a habit of working out - My DH thinks we approach it as an 'adventure' for a year to see what happens ( renting rather than buying). I know it sounds like we're unsettling the kids on a whim, but as others have said, as long as they have a supportive home environment they will be fine. I am trying to console myself that if its really that awful, we can always move back and slot them straight back into their old school. I think renting initially is a good idea, that way you are minimising the risk.....

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

I used to live in St Margarets just outside Richmond. Lovely little place and a quick train ride into London or tube from Richmond.

However, I found that I spent most of my time locally, going out in Richmond or Twickenham and shopping in Kingston as it was less 'mad'. I was actually paying a lot for having all the facilities of London on the doorstep but not actually using them. I could count on one hand the number of times I went into London as there were theatres, comedy clubs, restaurants etc much closer by. I was paying a huge premium for facilities I wasn't using. So I could do that in many cities or large town.

So here we are in Hale, a posh suburb of Manchester with a large 4 bed for the price of my teeny maisonette. On the once a year I get round to going to a show we can do a couple of nights in London. The rest of the time local stuff here is as good as local stuff there. No need to actually live in zone 4!

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Sorry! Post started ages ago but I forgot to actually post it!

[Headofthehive55]

One tip us to ring the schools direct to see if they actually have places in your age groups. And how many.

The education authorities aren't always a good help.

[Throwingshade]

I'm quite surprised at people saying no don't uproot them.

In RL half the people I know have moved towns and countries, if they haven't they have moved their kids schools for a plethora of different reasons.

For kids, the stability is about their home environment and parental happiness way more than school.

They will be fine! My boys moved school (albeit in same city) at exactly the age yours are and thrived. They found it exciting even though there was some dragged feet at first.

Moreover of course you should move where you will have a more fulfilled life and career. Otherwise you will look back in 10 years and think it was all about your dh and dc and you may not be able to get back to a job you love.

[Greengager]

twinkle it sounds like our situations are very similar. I hoped the move would sort out my MH problems. I wasn't seeing straight.

Now I worry about a relapse. I also worry that wanting to move back to London is just wanting to recreate a time when we were happy and the kids were snugly babies. Life moves on and they place we would go back to isn't the same. A lot of my friends have moved out as well. Also what if this doesn't 'sort me out' then we are properly doomed!

[TwinkleToesForever]

Throwing - thanks for your post, yes exactly what I'm worried about is looking back in 10 years and thinking 'we should have just gone for it', it may be that it won't be a more fulfilling life and I sometimes wonder if I have 'rose-tinted specs' but even if I think about DH spending more time with the kids it seems reasonable to at least give it a go.

Greengager - I can understand if you've had depression that a relapse is deeply concerning and naturally you'll do anything to avoid that, but you sound unhappy and a move back could be the best thing you've ever done. You sound stressed and if you're commuting to work, you're probably exhausted too. Like you say, I think I'm in danger of wanting to re-create a time that has passed ( snuggly babies, organic food shops, cafes and walks in the park etc), but the compromise is that if we do move back, we won't be moving back to the same area, DH is dead against this as he believes it is a move backwards rather than taking on a new area and adventure. Couple of questions: What does your DH think about a move back to London? Could you keep the same job? How would you feel about moving to a different area in London? Could you do what we're thinking and rent out your house in the sticks and rent in London? I really hope it works out for you and you can create a life that makes you happy - you deserve it!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

It depends where you grew up Twowrings. I know Your area very well and was over the moon to swap a 3 bed semi for a grotty studio flat in London. I couldn't have been happier I left.

[MrsFrisbyMouse]

Twinkletoes I love living in London and I can totally understand why you would want to move back. I also think the kids would adapt in time - it's one of those things kids do. Having their Dad around more might offset a lot of that anyway.

I think your negatives are more practically based. The pressure on school places in London is immense - especially Hackney and Haringey - with catchment areas for schools shrinking yearly. The waiting lists are still subject to the admissions criteria - so to get entry to a chosen school in-year, you would have to buy/rent a house practically on the schools doorstep to qualify. The LA have to offer you a place somewhere - but that somewhere can be a long way from where you might want to be. You also need to be thinking ahead for secondary schools - particularly for your DS. Though all the schools in Haringey are vastly improved compared to national standards.

You would also need a plan about how to make friends and create your new community.

Also you've already alluded it - but you can't step in the same river twice. Try and unpick what it is you're trying to re-create. London is a buzzing vibrant beast, but it is also noisy and busy and sometimes feels to me like it's starting to burst a bit at the seams. The transport system is brilliant when it works - but small shifts seems to cause huge delays. Things like childcare, after school activities etc can be quite expensive. Maybe another city - a university one perhaps like Cambridge) may give you the buzz that you miss.

Good luck though.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Friends moved their (approx) 4 and 7 year olds from the UK to NZ and they settled in very quickly. Despite the sadness of moving, they settled into schools, made new friends and I think the whole family has benefitted.

We moved when DD was 5yo (Year1) across country for DH's work. DD talks a lot about our old city and old house, and sometimes asks to go back, but we remind her of our larger house, her new friends and our improved circumstances.

[Greengager]

Hi Twinkle. Think one of the problems for me has been DH's passivity in this. He won't articulate what he wants and wants me to make the decisions about pretty much everything. I think he wants to go back but I feel solely responsible for the whole family's happiness which feels like way to much pressure. like I said we can't separate these issues from the issues we have in our marriage.

We both still commute to London for work. I go up two days now - it is hard. The hours mean we need a nanny. Haven't worked out what to do when they are all in school

We still have our house in London although it has tenants. I can't hack renting out two houses and renting ourselves. I'd like to stick with what we know, or somewhere close by. We know the schools and I love the area, however a fresh start is probably what we need...

[Greengager]

I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I really hope things work out for you. I think they already will - you sound positive and strong and won't live with regrets whatever you decision.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Sorry Oliversarmy I was just suggesting that there are compromises between a village with few amenities and London. You can get a happy medium. It would be hard to move a family into a 1 bed flat yet often that is all you would get for the equivalent on a 3-4 bed house elsewhere.

If the OP is finding a Midlands village stifling a small town like Stratford, Warwick or Leamington Spa might be a more affordable alternative with swimming baths, shops, cinemas and restaurants in walking distance. It doesn't have to be a choice of two extremes.

In this case somewhere the OP's DH commutes to London so some of the Northern Home Counties might shorten his commute without having to pay London house prices.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Greengager - not hijacking at all! I know what it's like to be afraid to make a decision and feeling the weight of your family's future happiness resting upon your shoulders! I feel for you.

By the way, it is only recently that DH has supported my decision to move back, it's taken 5 years for us to both be onside with this and he has also been 'passive' about the whole thing in the past, especially as I really pushed the agenda to move here, he was annoyed that I was so unhappy having made the shift away from London when he didn't really want to. Maybe he's more willing to listen now as we feel we've given it a good go here, and also the commute is becoming more challenging for him. I am try to think about our time here positively rather than wasted time, we've had a much bigger house and garden, been near family, not had to worry about school admissions etc

Unfortunately we sold up to move here, which was a shitty decision, if we'd kept our old house in London, we'd have probably been back there like a shot within a year! How long have you been living where you are now? I really hope you can create a balance for you and your family that will make you happy, maybe think on it a while and try and work out what you need and what you can compromise on e.g. no commute/good school places etc and then make a plan from there. But, as you know having your DH onside is the first step as it's scary to make those decisions on your own and you shouldn't have to! Isn't he sick of the commute too?

Twowrongs - we did look at Leamington Spa a couple of years ago and have day trips there regularly - it's a lovely town, great schools, parks etc but we felt it still missed the buzz of London and also didn't really address the commute issue. We should maybe look at it again though....

[Greengager]

We've been here two years. It may need more time. we need to work on our relationship first and go from there.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Think I know which area you are in. We moved because of dps work to around that general area in the mid 80s. We were there for 12 years and I hated it. Finally talked dp round to selling and moving back to London on a holiday, we arrived back in the uk on Sunday morning and by 1.10pm the following day had sold it. 3 weeks later I was throwing things into the back of a removal van, furniture was going into storage, we were going into holiday cottage accommodation for the next few weeks with no idea where we would end up and I was over the moon. The best move we did was to move back.

[girlinacoma]

In terms of your DC's education, it will be much easier to move them now then doing it later.

Assuming they are still primary age, they'll have the chance to resettle and make new friends before moving onto Secondary School.

It sounds as if this move would also be beneficial for you in terms of your career, please don't underestimate the importance of that.

[kittycaroline]

Hi OP,
I don't normally post but I just wanted to let you know we are in very similar situations.
We moved from a vibrant northern city to a tiny village in Northants two and a half years ago.
Our children ( primary aged) attend the amazing village school, are settled and love their life here!
I have been bereft for my old life ever since we made the move. I miss the vibrancy and buzz and find the muddy fields and lack of life here thoroughly depressing. I have made some lovely friends here and the bits of rural life I struggle with, the sense of isolation etc they seem to embrace!
Anyway after many heartfelt conversations we are now on the market (yay!!) and planning to move home this summer. It can't come soon enough for me!
I am worried about how the children will settle. They are very resistant to the move but for us now I don't feel there is a choice. I can't spend another 12 years here waiting for them to finish their education while I feel like we are not truly living life. I have tried hard to make this work ( I even took up life modelling to try and make myself feel alive again!) but it's just not right for us.
Do what feels right in your heart and the kids will follow your lead!
I wish you all happiness!
Pl pm me if you want to talk anymore about it. So much practical stuff to sort when re locating!!!