AIBU to uproot my family for my own

[TwinkleToesForever]

Hi there

I am a long time lurker but irregular poster on Mumsnet. Am in a pickle and could do with some good advice.

Long story short - did a bad move out of London to rural Midlands 5 years ago, something that I hugely regret and have not settled. I have now persuaded DH to move back to the smoke ( he works in central London and commutes) however, it also means a move for my DD and DS ( 8 and 5) who are both settled and happy at an idyllic country school. When we have bought up a move, it has not gone down well, lots of tears and anxiety. If we moved I could actually do a job I like and be nearer to the action. AIBU and v selfish? As parents should you put your kids happiness first? Need words of wisdom and any good news stories of those who have done similar.

[Robertaquimby]

Do it. Your kids will benefit hugely from seeing more of their Dad and from you being happy. We moved when my eldest was six and he was absolutely fine.

I have always thought London could be great for kids as long as you can afford it (we couldn't). And your dh will have a much healthier lifestyle, his commute sounds horrific.

I always hankered after living in the country - ponies, chickens etc. But as my kids are growing up they love city things like music and art and I am really glad they have these things readily accessible.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Move now so that they'll be settled before secondary school. Obviously check out the local secondaries where you're planning to live.

I get where you're coming from. I wouldn't go back to London for a million pounds but nor could I live in a village. My DStepM spent years ferrying my brothers and sisters about because public transport is lousy. Plus your DH will be around more which will be better all round.

[serin]

If you are going to do it then I would do it ASAP, I think the younger they are the better. All 3 of ours changed primary school and it was really no big deal at all.

We would like to move to somewhere really rural soon but can't at present as we have older teens tied to exam timetables/sports regimes and best mates. We are now counting down the next 4 years until the last one starts uni.

[Namechanger2015]

Sorry OP, I should not have made it sound like it was super smooth transition, it's been a very bumpy year, but mostly due to the abusive ex and not the move to London.

Schools was difficult as I had to take the children suddenly when he was abroad for work (safety reasons due to physical abuse), so we left without formally leaving the girls school and didn't have a school lined up in London.

I got here and then was hassling local authorities every day as I had children who were not in education. They were pretty useless tbh but I called every day and spoke to people on a first name basis and pleaded with them etc. DDs were in school 3 weeks later.

From what I can see around me lots of primary school are expanding (rather than building new ones) to cope with the recent influx of people into the area.

Your move should be much smoother as you would buy a house first and then apply for schools before removing them from theirs I would imagine? I think the school situation is tough and something you really will need to investigate in your area of choice. Ring the LEA and get some advise.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Do it!
Easier when kids are smaller... They bounce! Kids are naturally quite cautious... They'll settle... And will massively benefit seeing both parents who are happy!

The country is massively overrated!

[summerainbow]

Right can you afford to live somewhere nice?
Will you have work ?
Will where you live really mean your hubby travelling time quicker.
If you work you will missing a lot of your kids life.
You will might too knackered to enjoy london.
Have price childcare can you afford it.
Can you kids activities.? Or will they mind giving up as you won't be able to take as you will both working.

[WongTobyWong]

Do it! We live in a major city in the US and we live about 10 minutes to the city center.
I couldn't imagine living elsewhere. We lived in London before we came out here; what a fabulous place to grow up. To be honest, I am amazed that anyone could tolerate a 4.5 hour daily commute. I thought I'd misread your post!

I am a huge believer in the power of community and feeling as though you are in the "right place." We sold our massive, beautiful house because the neighborhood wasn't the right one for us. You need to be happy. Do it!

[Glastokitty]

Oh goodness, just do it. The kids will be fine, and it shouldn't be their decision anyway. We emigrated when my son was 11, he wasn't keen as he didn't really know what to expect, and he was leaving behind everything he knew, but within a week of getting here he told us there was no way he was ever going back ( except to visit his granny)

[Mislou]

I remember my parents bringing up moving when we were kids We all cried and made a fuss, so Dad ended up commuting. Now as an adult I think you have to make those difficult decisions if they are better for the family as a whole.
I think as a child it can be quite frightening to have to give up friends and be surrounded by strangers. Could you spend some time hanging out with friends who have children in London, so at least they can know some familiar faces and see what life might be like there.

[NewBallsPlease00]

Is there a better Inbetween ie if you're rural Leica and DH commuting (I'm guessing you're around market Harborough?) could you move to Leic where far more goes on, and commute for DH is much same, or closer to rugby were his commute would be quicker?
do you work now? I see you have chance to do what you like better in London, but not sure on your current position- I ask because the fat bigger impact in kids will be you working if you're not now than where you are physically located
Can you afford London in same ways or will lifestyle be impacted Wh activities etc? (Though recognising more stuff goes on there generally)
Will you be able to get them into a school you're happy with?
Basically can you tick all the practical stuff before the emotive and nice to haves Coke into it? If so run..

[BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley]

Your children are still so young they will readjust easily. If you don't go now you never will, it will only get harder as they get older. By the time they are at high school they will think even ten miles away is the end of their world.

Do it now or you will be trapped and unhappy until they are adults. Their home is not a geographical place, it's wherever their parents are.

[Choughed]

Do it. I moved loads as a child and as a pp said, it made me more resilient. They are young and adaptable. I have an 8 yo and while she is very settled I know that she would be happy as long as she was with me and DH.

[notquiteruralbliss]

If you can afford London do it. And do it as soon as possible. We moved out over 10 years ago. I knew almost immediately that it wasn't going to feel like homebut we stayed. DCs like it here, and are settled but would have been equally happy in London. I hate it here and have commuted into London (where my work and my friends are) for most of our time here. Counting the time til my youngest leaves school and we can move to a city.

[Katenka]

I think before you decide anything you need to check out the school situation. Both primary and what secondary they will go to.

You amy have an lovely vision of dh taking them to school etc having more time. You having a job you like etc.

But what if their school is far away and someone has a long trek to take them and get them? Can your dh and you work this between them.

What if they have to travel far for secondary? And end up having a long day?

The school issue would be my main concern.

I adore London. I could live there. But I wouldn't want to be so far away from my family so it's not going to happen.

If you can sort the school problem, do it. Talk to your children about what they are gaining rather than losing.

I live semi rural and love it though. I have 4 school runs a day as dds secondary starts far earlier than ds' primary. Neither are walkable not is there a bus to dds school.

But I have the benefit of being rural (nice views, friendly neighbours, quiet roads) but with 15-20 minutes of 2 cities. I couldn't live completely rurually.

Pil do and their nearest supermarket is 40 minutes. I couldn't do that.

[chocomochi]

It will be lovely for your family if DH can cut down his travel time and spend more time with your DSs.

Agree with others that this is the time to move if you are going to. A secondary school move maybe worse on the children.

Is London a totally foreign concept to your DSs? Have you taken lots of trips/weekends down to London with them? Show them the sights/parks/museums and see if they like it?

[sophorifichobnob]

YABU to move them, they are settled and have friends, you will just have to make the best of it. Remember that the grass is always greener and all that. We moved 8 years ago and I'm not happy or settled here but if we move back to where we came from it won't be the same place that we left, people will have moved on, people will have changed and so I'm not comparing the place now to the place we left IYSWIM, I'm expecting that we'd just slot back in where we left and it's not going to be like that.

[musicinspring1]

It annoys me when country dwellers think city children are deprived of pulling of 'the great outdoors'. Admittedly I'm Zone 4 but my DC have a large garden, we're 10 minutes drive from a national trust area of outstanding beauty and have 4 parks/playgrounds in walking distance. Admittedly I chose their school carefully so they have a large field and swimming pool. Other alternatives had a better ofsted ranking but very limited outside space as they'd built bulge classrooms on the playground. That is a real consideration as schools round here can be very full.
Yet we're able to get the train directly to central London in 25 minutes and live 5inutes away from bus stops/library/shops etc. I would move ..... can you tell?!?

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

Your poor dh currently has a horrendous commute. It would benefit everyone for that to be cut.

The children will adapt - my experience of a big move is that their core stability comes from their settled and reassuring home environment - and as they get into the pre-teen and teen years they will be grateful. So much more for them in the way of activities, culture etc. Do pick schools carefully, though.

[VaginaRecliner]

Sometimes children react with anxiety and upset when presented with a big choice. If you've said something like, "How do you like the idea of moving to London?" to them in the past, they may have reacted very strongly... But once you and DH have made a decision and present it as a fait accomplish, their reaction may be different.

Also, once the uncertainty is gone you can help them with through any big feelings they have with more confidence.

I always hated the idea of moving as a young child, but once the move had happened, I settled just fine.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Wow - great to have so many responses and perspectives! And I am surprised that the resounding view is to move back considering I am being Flamed in RL :-)

Summer - We're in South Warwickshire at the moment. Yes, we will have to compromise on space but we can still afford something nice, maybe just a bit further out from where we used to live, as we all know, prices have gone crazy in the last 5 years. We would rent down there initially and rent our house out here. I was working in very non progressive company in a job I HATED and driving 50 miles to get to everyday - I gave that up at Xmas and the thinking is that I will take time, 6 months or so, to settle the kids into new school etc. My work is very London-centric ( Media) and I would love to do something back in that field again. I'm pretty confident its something I can step back into as I still have lots of contacts!

Choughed - thanks - I agree, home is where the heart is right?

Katenka - yes, I am under no illusion, getting both of the kids into a good primary is going to be a nightmare - this is kind of what has been holding us back, as I want to minimise the disruption for the kids - and as per my initial question - is it right to move for me and DH, knowing that it will be upheaval and uncertain for both DCS.

Choco - no London is not a foreign concept for DC at all - we spend practically every half term and some weekends there, so they are very used to the environment.

Soph - yup I take your point, and have been worried I have 'rose-tinted spectacles' - but then I know after 5 years here that I'm not happy.

Music - Agree, there's some great outdoor space in London and I love the parks. Highgate woods, Hampstead Heath, Epping Forest etc - none are far away

[TwinkleToesForever]

Thanks VR! Yes, my DH thinks we shouldn't present it as an option to them - but as you say, as a done deal and but then with lots of support/positivity around the decision...

[MisguidedAngel]

My ex was a teacher and we moved house and area a few times as he sought promotion. The worst move for the children was when they were 12 and 14. The 14 year old was sad about leaving her best friend, but they visited each other a lot at first. She settled into her new school and did well. The 12 year old didn't cope so well. In retrospect I could have handled the move better and made it easier for them. Good advice from other posters on this aspect.

I agree with pp that a move at the age of your dc is 100 times better than when they're older and even if the only advantage was more time with their dad, that would be enough.

Good luck.

[Lweji]

Posting quickly and not having read the entire thread.
From one of your posts it looks like you decided to move, so I hope all goes well. :)

As for the family, I'd say it's very much a decision for you and your OH.
Children at that age don't like to think about changing, but are actually quite adaptable and will likely settle quickly anywhere.
I wouldn't discuss any moves with them. It's not their decision. And I think it will go better if they understand that. Make sure you present the good things about places you end up looking at.

As for London, it depends where you live. Some bits in greater London almost look idyllic and the commute is not that long.

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

Just to balance the (natural) bias of people piling on to say how ace London is, I'm one of the people IBorgia claimed didn't exist: I have a child, live in London and am desperate to move out. It's not that I live in a bad area, I don't, it's leafy mc suburbia here. I like my tiny patch reasonably well. It's the wider city I detest.

It's the stupid stupid fucking housing market, the lack of space (we have an excellent park, but that's not the same as proper space, it's the dirt, the noise, the horrifically crowded public transport, the endless hordes of tourists making areas almost impossible to visit. It's the bars, pubs and restaurants in town being overcrowded and noisy and dirty. It's the cost of parking, drinks, coffee, everything. It's not having the space in any nearby cafe to bring my buggy in, and having to fold on buses/missing trains because you cannot squeeze on, and no one gives a shiny shit that you might be standing in the pouring rain with a small child. It's the 'me first, mine, fuck you' attitudes (I'm talking mostly about the city proper, not the 'burbs).

I've visited three museums in the last year. You always think/say you'll go all the time, and somehow don't. Of the three, two were in town (NHM, Science Mus), and had to queue for 40 and 50 mins to get in, had to queue round the dinosaurs exhibit, had to queue to eat in both. Not a magical day out.

I moved schools 14 times between 5 and 18, including twice overseas, and loved it. I'm not anti moving at all, I just cannot for the life of me understand why you'd move back to this horrendous city. I cannot wait for the bubble to burst and everyone to flee like rats from a sinking ship.

[SuperFlyHigh]

I personally didn't cope with a change of school when I was 8 for a year... (Was in infant school about to move up to junior school) I was introverted only a couple of close friends and I struggled moving to a new school (only a 5-10 minute drive away), my younger brother was fine though! I also had an incident (sexual abuse touching by a boy a year older than me) though that didn't help at all.

But when I moved back to my old school things got much better, for me, everyone in my new school (when I was 8) already knew each other, established friendships etc.

I think if we'd moved to a different town, more distance I'd have been far better and to be honest my brother and I would have loved a move to the country as children. It was only partly due to brother's severe asthma and allergy to pollen/grass that we didn't move to countryside!

I'd do it, the pluses re their dad being around more are a definite bonus!

Also for you depending where you move your friends from London when you moved will now have had kids so source of friends for your DC.