AIBU to uproot my family for my own

[TwinkleToesForever]

Hi there

I am a long time lurker but irregular poster on Mumsnet. Am in a pickle and could do with some good advice.

Long story short - did a bad move out of London to rural Midlands 5 years ago, something that I hugely regret and have not settled. I have now persuaded DH to move back to the smoke ( he works in central London and commutes) however, it also means a move for my DD and DS ( 8 and 5) who are both settled and happy at an idyllic country school. When we have bought up a move, it has not gone down well, lots of tears and anxiety. If we moved I could actually do a job I like and be nearer to the action. AIBU and v selfish? As parents should you put your kids happiness first? Need words of wisdom and any good news stories of those who have done similar.

[lborgia]

Very slow typing and even then forgot the most important thing - if your dh can see more of them this is worth more than anything.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Thanks Iborgia! Great to see this perspective and it's making me feel less of a selfish t**t! Funny, everyone in RL is horrified that we're even considering this an option!

Missymahem - good advice on the checklist! Your DD's reaction is exactly the same as mine. I think I do need to talk to them about what I miss and that Dad will be around so much more etc.

[tumpymummy]

Your kids are still young, I would move while they are still at primary school. Once they are a senior school then they really wont want to move. Being a parent is about making the right decisions, this doesn't mean the children are always going to like them. We moved house (across the country) when I was 7 years old. I hated it for the first year and I was a tricky child for my parents, but over time I got used to it and to be honest as I then spent the next 11 years in the new place, I now regard that as the place I grew up. My siblings were 5 and 3 when we moved and they really weren't bothered about moving. You have given it a go for 5 years, I think that is a reasonable amount of time to have tried it. I cannot believe your husband has put up with 4 hour commutes each day. The increased time he can spend with the family has to be a positive. Go for it!

[TwinkleToesForever]

Thanks Tumpy - I know DH is KNACKERED but would never admit it, bless him.

I guess all along I've been thinking ' is that fall out worth it?' in terms of DC being unsettled and because we'd really just be moving for me to have more satisfaction in life. Been wrangling with sacrificing DC's happiness for mine, but this thread has given me some clarity in that yes it will be difficult to start with, but that home is where mum and dad are - and I know they will benefit from seeing DH more.

Thanks guys! I'm off to find a place in a good school in London - but that is a whole other thread!!

[hefzi]

I think that childhood in the city is totally different to childhood in a rural area - though I am chuckling at the comments on here about "not being able to meet my type of people in the sticks": oh, you small-minded urbanites And of course, you're right - the only place with culture is London

Your children will probably adapt if they're not engaged in all the opportunities living rurally has to offer - I would have hated it as a child, but I spent every minute I wasn't in school in the garden, fields or woods: I had my own dog and my own pony, and the house had other dogs and cats, plus chickens in the orchard, and various farm animals in close proximity. It will be harder for your DS, as he has never known anything else, but presumably, your DD still has people she remembers from your London life: and it really doesn't sound like you're cut out for where you're living, no matter that you grew up there - so as a committed bumpkin, who has to live in a city just because of work, I say do it! Let them have more time with your DH, and a mummy who's fulfilled and happy.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Hefzi - Thanks so much for your wise, kind words. Ha! I know I'm sorry to generalise about like minded people etc and agree that culture exists outside of London, I guess I'm just talking about my particular experience - I think we just chose the wrong place to live! Your point about not engaging in rural opportunities is so right, my DC's have never been the types to throw on the wellies and head out into the woods. DH and I spend whole weekends cajoling them to come on outside adventures which they do, but whinge about. Yes when we first moved here DD asked 'where all the police helicopters were' and 'where are all the people mummy' lol! They were both born in London but we moved when DS was 9 months old, DD still has friends we have kept in touch with which will hopefully make move back a bit easier....

[HelloItsMeAgain]

We moved from teeny v dull and claustrophobic village to large town when DCs were 4 and 7. A bit of a wobble initially but they adjusted fine. We really sold it to then pre-move. Spent a few months regularly arranging things with old school friends to help them not feel too wrenched away (which has now petered away to once or twice a year for a few key whole family friends iyswim)

4 years on they/we do not regret a thing. They love living where there is stuff to do, we can walk/bike/train to places rather than always having to be in the car (dangerous connecting country roads made anything but the car lethal once you left the village). Places to eat, more friends, much, much happier parents and DH home about 40 mins earlier every night

Do it.

[karatedoormat]

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[hefzi]

Honestly, go! They will adapt - if you and your DH are always nudging them to go out, it really won't be so difficult for them, and I don't think you can over-estimate the impact having happy, fulfilled parents has, either. They are scared of the unknown, as we all get - but they are young and will settle down. Worst case scenario, just bribe them with the thought of being able to go to the Natural History Museum every weekend

There's more honour in admitting you got something wrong, and working to fix it, than sticking with something that's sub-optimal for everyone: and that's a serious commute for your DH if it's not the family's dream life, in all honesty. Plus - you're a mum, I know: but you are also allowed to be happy ! Now get over to Rightmove and start looking!

[Karatedoormat]

I have a thread about moving to rural Devon. It's been such an interesting debate.

My children were initially up for it then not.... My reasons for staying put are kind of the same telling you to go.

Culture, happiness, ease of transport as teenagers etc. I'm not entirely sure we have made our mind up, but the very reason we're happy to stay are some of the things that are pulling you to go

[TwinkleToesForever]

Great story Hello, thanks for that....glad your DC are settled and happy. I hear you on the country roads - jeez they are lethal! I don't think I'll ever get used to them. Or having to spend birthday meals on the retail parks of the town nearby. god I miss good restaurants with interesting food!

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Yanbu

Miserable parents long term end up having more of a negative impact than a short term upheaval.

Of course they're reluctant, unlike you, they will be leaving the familiar for the Unknown, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Sell it to them positively, all the things they'll get to do in London, the extra time with dad as his commute won't be do hellish

[MidniteScribbler]

I wouldn't live our lives to the whims of a 5 and 8 year old. As adults they can move where they want. As children, they go with the family. Adults have to make decisions for the whole family.

[lborgia]

hefzi all my type of people (friends! ) have moved to the country but i still want to live in a big city. .. so it would just be me and. .people who i don't get on with . All the aspects of the country that you love are the reasons i think about it occasionally, but as you say, if it's about time together, happy parents and a less knackered dad then that should be the basis of the decision.

I'm sick of people telling me that it would be cruel to move dcs back to uk as in Oz they have. ..the sun, the beach, the wide open spaces. ..but then they're not applying spf50 like a loon . The incidence of skin cancer is multiples of the UK so if i started thinking about that. .

[TwinkleToesForever]

Karate - interesting... we debated and debated our move from London to the countryside. It was instigated by a neighbours aggravated burglary which freaked me out as my youngest was tiny and I went into protective mode ( even though in the 20 years I'd lived in London i had never experienced any crime at all). However, by the time we'd completed on our sale, I started to just know it was the wrong thing to do and knew that I'd reacted to a specific situation rather than being fed up of where we lived.

HOWEVER, my advice to you is - if you like the outdoors and more space, less hassle in terms of traffic and general busy-ness , peace and quiet then go for it! There are so many pluses to living rurally. But as you probably know, you definitely sacrifice walking to your local shop, museums, cinemas, restaurants etc

Devon is amazing through - and much different to here! It's so tricky making these life decisions and with teenagers it must be 100 times harder. What is motivating your desire to move? What is your gut feeling? I guess my point is that I knew in my gut it wasn't right to move out of London but didn't react quickly enough to it!

[Namechanger2015]

I did this when I moved from the Midlands back to London last year. Admittedly it was for different reasons (marriage breakup), but my DDs were 7, 5 and 2 at the time. 7yo did of course spend a lot of her first year telling me how much she missed school, friends etc and tbh she still does, and the now 6yo also joins in occasionally.

But they love it here. I was born and bought up here and I 'feel' it in a way I never did in the Midlands.

They are constantly amazed by our frequent trips into London, and generally on to etc there is a lot of pride about being from London, the political scene is very visible here, and the cultural heritage is incomparable to Birmingham imo. They are really beginning to appreciate living here, and my enthusiasm for the city rubs off on them immensely.

I was a bit 'meh' about Brum, despite it being a seriously lovely place to live I just didn't gel with it - mostly due to an abusive ex rather than Brums shortcomings.

In short, I love London and my DDs too. I would not hesitant to move them. They will get friends and they will settle in a new school over time. The younger they are the better.

[Namechanger2015]

Typos galore! Sorry about that but you get the general gist I'm sure 😊

[228agreenend]

We moved with similar aged kids. They will soon settle and make new friends. It's bound to be a little scary for them. Take them to the area you plan to move to and sell it to them.

[GruntledOne]

Have you checked out both primary and secondary schools? Your choices may be limited as popular schools are likely to be full.

[TwinkleToesForever]

Glad that it worked out for you Namechanger - that situation must have taken double strength and courage! I honestly can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you to up sticks with 3 DCs.

Did you have a problem getting them into a school? You talk about it like a was a super smooth transition, but then if you were escaping an abusive partner I imagine it was a huge relief to move away!

[oldestmumaintheworld]

I moved out of London for myself and my children. It was a huge mistake - I hated it. Moved back six months ago. Kids love it and so do I. Happy Mum equals happy kids. So no you are not being selfish

[TwinkleToesForever]

Gruntled - yes this is a major consideration and one of the factors that is making me feel very uncertain about the move! My thinking is that we'll just have to work it out - and it will eventually work out as things do ( fingers crossed!)

[TwinkleToesForever]

Good to hear Oldest! Glad it worked out for you :-)

[nooka]

I think that there are times to put your children's needs over yours when it comes to moving and times when you shouldn't. We emigrated with our children because it was dh's dream. We thought that there would be benefits for our children in the long run (and we were right) but costs in the short run (higher than we imagined, change is very hard for some children).

Now they are in their teens we are waiting to make our next move as we don't want to interrupt their education at a tricky time. Too much potential for long term costs to them.

I thin that the important thing is to be very clear that this is what is going to happen. It's not their choice to make. There may be some things they will find hard, but you will help (new school, new friends etc). Plus lots of benefits for them, the greatest of which is having their father around. To me that's a massive benefit, and I wouldn't have stuck around as long as five years. Your dh must be exhausted!

[NewLife4Me]

I haven't read the thread but wanted to say although I know all children are different our 5 year old never settled when we made a huge move.
The older one was year 5 (9) and managed to settle after a short while.

I think the move should definitely coincide with a time when you can concentrate on settling your children.
I think if it's what you want to do you should go for it, you should be happy.