My son's ex teachers are sulking with me

[caitlinohara]

I'll try to be brief.

Recently moved ds2 (Y2) to another school because he was deeply unhappy in the class he was in. It was a class of 30 and there were numerous ongoing behaviour problems and he was coming out of school angry and frustrated and often tearful. I raised a few concerns over the last term with the teachers but they were pretty dismissive, although one of the TA's was lovely and really seemed to try to look out for him at playtimes. Eventually decided to move him to a new school and was as open and diplomatic as I could be in the circumstances.

My older son is still at the old school because he is very happy there and will leave in July anyway.

Ds2's old class was a job share and I know both teachers pretty well, since one of them has a son in ds1's class, and the other has a daughter who plays with ds3 at nursery. Since ds2 left, both teachers have barely acknowledged me, although I see one or the other every day when I'm picking up ds1. I texted Teacher 2 the other day to invite her daughter round to play with ds3 and got a curt refusal. Neither has even said hello to ds2 or asked him how he was getting on at his new school. Took Teacher 1's son out the other weekend with mine and she got her dh to drop him off and pick him up and hasn't said thank you when I have seen her since.

I'm not sure what I expected, but I'm struggling to see their attitude as anything but petty and rude. I was really careful not to criticise them as teachers to the head because I wanted to try to stay on good terms with them for everyone's sake but it looks like they have taken offence anyway. I have been very involved in said school over the years. Regularly help out on school trips, run stalls at school fairs, etc etc. It's not me, is it? They are being dickheads, aren't they?

Crikey you seem rather over invested precious OP

just let it go- they are your DS ex teachers because you weren't happy with him being in their class and you expect them to smile and be all gushy asking him how he is getting on etc

No, it's not an unreasonable expectation at all, and I think they are being very petty, especially as you've got to carry on being in the playground.

We moved DD from her school after a long history of stuff which had twice resulted in apologies from the HT. While we don't have other children there, we do live practically next door to the school, so we run into people all the time. Whenever we see any of the staff, they stop, chat and ask after DD and how she's doing.

And to put this in context, it's a school that haven't historically managed parent communications very well at all (the great PTA playground wars of a few years ago are legendary).

nicestrongtea Gushy??? = Precious? = bit harsh. Over invested? = definitely!

You took your child out of their class- it implies criticism ( not saying you were wrong to do so)

I can only think of one parent who did this at my DC old school bonkers woman who constantly went to the press about the school and teachers you seem to be oblivious how the teachers might feel ( not the main point but still)- they are probably embarrassed at the very least.
They don't have to ask how your DS is and probably do want to keep a bit of distance.

As for schools advising teachers to cut parents off if there's any hint of them having a complaint with the school - WTF?? A comment suggesting there's a need for something to change can be constructive and non-threatening. It doesn't have to be feared or responded to so defensively. How does this even work without bloodshed in a village community

But there is a culture of fear in quite a few schools where if SLT advise staff to do or not do certain things, there is an underlying threat of action if they do not comply. Even the most mild-sounding HTs can be very different with their staff to how they are with customers parents.

I would feel very awkward and embarrassed in the teachers' place and would want a bit of distance. It is difficult to see how they could not take this personally no matter how it was phrased and even though you did the right thing for your child. That does not excuse them blanking you or your son of course.

I know that you have been very circumspect in what you have said, but the HT has probably drawn his own conclusions and will almost certainly have made his views clear. Their life could be being made quite uncomfortable at the moment. They are probably wary of even asking after your son in case the answer involves unfavourable comparisons. I know you would not do this, but maybe they don't want to take the risk.

caitlinohara

The thing is that they are not friends (you have said that they where never friends), they are not really acquaintances (either close or distant), you had a professional relationship which has now ended and your children have a relationship, the teachers are under no obligation to acknowledge you, reply to you, or even let their children play with yours.

I don't think that they are sulking. They probably just don't have any interest in you or your son any more.He has probably been replaced by another child and another parent.

a bit of distance is one thing, cutting another mother and her child dead at the school gates (when you're both standing there as parents of school friends) is quite another.

I don't think you're remotely precious, OP. It can't be very nice to be cut dead, especially when you have been so careful not to cause unpleasantness. It's a shame that these teachers can't accept they and their classrooms will not be right for every child. It doesn't sound as if they're likely to learn any lessons as a result of your child's experience. What a pity.

I changed schools in Year 11 as my school did not offer A level choices I wanted. I was called back to school several months later for a prize giving ceremony thing and not one teacher spoke to me; they went out of their way to blank me. It was really strange and hurtful as a few of them had been instrumental in my move and had been really inspirational to me.

I think it is perfectly normal for my child's teacher not to have time to smile and chat at the end of the school day. She is usually busy matching up 30 children with their parents, passing on information about any minor incidents and answering questions.

I also have never felt that my professional conduct has been compromised by not sending my children on playdates when I or they would rather they didn't go.

OP can do what she feels is best for her dc, as parents they are free to do the same without anyone getting the hump.

If you ignore someone you know and would usually talk to while standing as fellow parents at the school gates, you have in all likelihood got The Hump.

Would those posters claiming that the teachers are out of line here also be upset if they saw someone from their bank in the street and were ignored? Or their hairdresser? I doubt it. FFS - this thread is ridiculous.

Maybe the teachers feel that personal and professional boundaries were muddied and have used this opportunity to make a break? Or they feel that you may put them in an awkward position if you talk about the move and anything you say could be inferred as a criticism of the school itself. There are lots of parents at the school gate and not all of them talk.

The teachers are being rude. Just as it would be ride to blank anyone a person usually talks to. However they must be feeling quite sensitive about your choice. I know lots of nice/reasonable parents who have taken their kids out of schools. They tolerated quite a lots of crap and there was always a final staw.

Soooosie
"The teachers are being rude. Just as it would be ride to blank anyone a person usually talks to."

But we don't know if she usually talks to them, in what role she normally talks to them.
We only know that they are not friends or colleagues, and that they had a professional relationship with her whilst her DS was in the school.

Even with the playdates, we don't know if they were drop and collect or come in for a coffee.

What does come across on this thread is that some parents seem to claim an ownership of teachers, both in and out of work.

I worked for a Head like the one hulababy described. If any parent removed their child the person who got the blame was invariably the child's form tutor whatever reasons the parents gave. Now that performance related pay is in place and capability procedures are so prevalent I think the OP is being naive in her refusal to acknowledge how the teachers might have been affected. Of course she has every right to move her child but the very choice she made might well have had repercussions for the teachers and I think her expectations of them are unrealistic.

Nothing to do with ownership. Everything to do with very basic politeness regardless of job. The teachers, GP's, practice nurses, postie, shop workers and childminders are all well integrated in my local community. Everyone constantly bumps into each other at community events.

I'm amazed that smiling graciously is such an impossible expectation, especially towards someone who has behaved very well!

The teachers, GP's, practice nurses, postie, shop workers and childminders are all well integrated in my local community.

So all of these people should spend their time outside of work looking/searching out social clues?
Are they not allowed to walk around focused on the task at hand just trying to get the job done?

As an example (and I know that some people find it strange). When I am shopping in a supermarket I want to get in, get the shopping done and get out. I do not spend my time in the area looking for people smiling at me.

I do the same when I am in town shopping. If people find it weird or rude then that is on them.

"The teachers, GP's, practice nurses, postie, shop workers and childminders are all well integrated in my local community".

BUT
if you had cause to change GP, declare you didn't want a particular practice nurse or moved child minders you would still expect them to smile at you and have your child round for tea as if nothing had happened

Why would you think they would do this when you had clearly indicated you weren't happy with their care/work.

ilovesooty
Now that performance related pay is in place and capability procedures are so prevalent I think the OP is being naive in her refusal to acknowledge how the teachers might have been affected

^^^
This

Boney - we all have professions/jobs. It's not like teachers are any different. We all have to get on with our day - like everyone else but people are friendly if paths cross. People leave various set ups for many reasons. It's just life. People can choose how they respond to such changes. With good grace or other.

Good grace ???
Really - a parent has removed their child from your class and you are expected to have their kid for tea and be all smiley .
I think a professional with insight and boundaries would NOT do this.

Soooosie
It's not like teachers are any different.

So if teachers are not any different then why are the expectations on this thread different for teachers?

They haven't stopped the children getting together, they have never been more than very casual acquaintances with the OP, the OP doesn't even want them as friends.

Of course not, nice strong tea. The professional, insightful thing to do would obviously be to pretend the person no longer exists. Perish the thought that she should have to smile at the parent of her friend's child Boney.