My son's ex teachers are sulking with me

[caitlinohara]

I'll try to be brief.

Recently moved ds2 (Y2) to another school because he was deeply unhappy in the class he was in. It was a class of 30 and there were numerous ongoing behaviour problems and he was coming out of school angry and frustrated and often tearful. I raised a few concerns over the last term with the teachers but they were pretty dismissive, although one of the TA's was lovely and really seemed to try to look out for him at playtimes. Eventually decided to move him to a new school and was as open and diplomatic as I could be in the circumstances.

My older son is still at the old school because he is very happy there and will leave in July anyway.

Ds2's old class was a job share and I know both teachers pretty well, since one of them has a son in ds1's class, and the other has a daughter who plays with ds3 at nursery. Since ds2 left, both teachers have barely acknowledged me, although I see one or the other every day when I'm picking up ds1. I texted Teacher 2 the other day to invite her daughter round to play with ds3 and got a curt refusal. Neither has even said hello to ds2 or asked him how he was getting on at his new school. Took Teacher 1's son out the other weekend with mine and she got her dh to drop him off and pick him up and hasn't said thank you when I have seen her since.

I'm not sure what I expected, but I'm struggling to see their attitude as anything but petty and rude. I was really careful not to criticise them as teachers to the head because I wanted to try to stay on good terms with them for everyone's sake but it looks like they have taken offence anyway. I have been very involved in said school over the years. Regularly help out on school trips, run stalls at school fairs, etc etc. It's not me, is it? They are being dickheads, aren't they?

YANBU, they are acting like immature 14 year olds.
Teachers who have kids should expect their kids to socialise. They should expect to have to deal with issues such as having privileged information on another person in a group of adults. They should be able to deal with conflict and resolution without taking it personally.
If they cant they should at least be able to pretend they can.

I think you recognise it is blurry...

I think your timing of offer is a bit off.. You say you aren't going to teach my child yet come on a playdate.

I wouldn't expect DS1 teacher to thank you I would of expected her DH to have done that when he collected DC.

Lancelottie and Champalesocialist That's what this is really about, isn't it? Being pissed off, but not showing it. I am pissed off with them for their attitude, but I smile and am polite. Your son's tutor decided that to be courteous and concerned was the best approach. That is what I would do, and so that's what I expect from others, but to some that's just not a reasonable expectation in these circumstances.

On another note, the head's wife came up to me in the corridor the other day and flung her arms around me and said "I'm SO sorry we are losing you!" She was lovely about it.

tbh you've kind of criticised them by moving your son - I expect they've taken it personally.

Not to say that you weren't right to do so, of course you were, but I can understand why they are a bit off - its a bit much to expect everyone to be gutted your son is going, it never works like that (I've moved two from primary school to private prep). I expect they will calm down in time.

starry0ne You may be right about that, and I have thought that she may have thought I was being goady, but ds3 is very shy and doesn't have any other friends (literally every day at nursery it's "is * here today?") so when he asked for this girl so I went ahead and invited her. It absolutely 100% did not come from me. I can see that I am going to have to actively encourage some other friendships somehow.

I'd expect the teachers to speak to your son and ask how he's getting on, or at least smile, but playdates and socializing probably not tbh. It will feel personal to them that you removed your son from their class even if there are other factors involved.

I don't know the OP's situation, but I've seen/heard of quite a lot of situations where there were problems at school that had nothing to do with the class teacher. Sometimes school-wide policies, overcrowded classrooms or lack of support for teachers' discipline is what causes the problem.

Look at it from their perspective - the situation is awkward, at best.

I'd think nothing more of it.

Really, now that your son is settled, this is far less important to you than it is to the teachers. You just have to think now that your sons will make new, different friends, whereas the teachers have this "blot" against them at work.

Obviously they were wrong to dismiss your initial concerns and you were right to do what you did, but it is too much to expect them to like you for it. You should be able to expect civility, but not be surprised if they choose not to allow their children to mix with yours outside school in future. In fact, as has already been suggested, they may well have been advised against this either by the headteacher or possibly by their union.

In a year's time all this will be very unimportant to you - hope both your sons settle well - the eldest too next September.

Sulking????? Really

Dunno about head's reaction - he doesn't seem like the kind of person to come down hard on his staff over something like this
This is a strange comment to make. How on earth could you possibly know this?

Sounds to me like they feel, professionally, they cannot remain on socially friendly terms with you. I wonder if they may have been advised to distance themselves. from you. Removing a child from a school for negative reasons IS a big deal. While you are have presented yourself as very 'diplomatic' in your handling of the removal of your son from the school it makes me wonder what the school's view of it all may be.

That said, it is a shame that they cannot acknowledge your son.

Sorry - posted too soon - it is lovely that the head's wife was so supportive, but she doesn't have the career worry that the class teachers have in this case so it is easier for her to be nice about it.

So.... these two teachers have acquired a class (your DS2's previous class) which has a reputation for being challenging, and your DS2 was already having trouble being in it. Viewed from that perspective, it seems rather illogical of them to take it personally when you took your son out. The class was difficult before they took it on, your son was unhappy before they taught him. There's two reasons for them to realise it's NOT ABOUT THEM.

Ok, it does sound like they didn't handle your concerns well but it does sound like there wasn't much they could have done anyway if it's been going on for this long.

I am glad your son is happier in another school op

I think they are being unprofessional. I am a teacher and I would hope to maintain a polite relationship with you and your child in these circumstances.

i dont think you can really be friends with someone who is in your childs life in a professional way....its mixing business with pleasure....if there are problems in the professional part there will be a falling out friends wise....i was 'friendly' with my childrens teachers but as soon as they left their class i never needed to acknowledge them again....just think how many children and parents these teachers met over the years....they cant remain friendly with everyone or even remember some of them....and why would they if they feel critisised in their role....you cant expect them too

Not every child is going to find a particular school to be right for them. The teachers should remain polite and professional.

Not acknowledging the 6 year old is unprofessional but the decision to no longer allow their children to socialise with the OP's children is probably wise.

Potatoface ds1 was friends with Teacher 1's son long before ds1 was in her class - and I have no control over who ds3 socialises with in nursery, the fact that he has picked out Teacher 2's daughter is hardly my orchestrating! We live in a small town and it's nigh on impossible to draw lines as you suggest - almost everyone you meet is linked to someone else you know in some way!

Lancelottie I'm not sure it's quite the same with secondary school where there are more factors and teachers. With primary school it is a criticism of the class teacher at least in part.

I'm not sure how the head's wife comes into it, is she a teacher at the school too?

I'd just let it blow over. It's not realistic to expect the teachers to want to be really matey with you just yet, maybe they will in the future maybe not. Your DC have tons of other friends I'm sure.

It sounds like the teachers have been polite and professional in their professional role. You're asking them to be professional about their social friendship with you too. Social relationships are about equal terms and feelings being equally allowed on both sides, and doing things because you want to and enjoy them. You made the right decision for your child, that's great, but you can't ask them to still carry the one sided responsibility to hide their feelings about it and do only what you need, putting you first in a personal context. I get you're hurt by this but they're allowed to have feelings, they are people too.

This is why I always avoided social or personal friendships with parents when I was teaching, and many would view it as part of professionality to avoid getting personally involved with someone you have a working relationship with. The expectations can so easily blur on both sides.

I am not sure about that one. Teachers are busy before and after school and don't have time for chit chat with a parent of a child who has left the school, they probably concentrate on parents of children in the school. I think op is taking things a bit personally because she feels she wasn't listed to in the first place. I can't see evidence that the teacher in question has been unprofessional. FWIW, before changing school I would have tried to discuss in much more detail and frequently what the concerns were and tried to solve the problems instead of moving the child. Maybe op has been talking to other parents about the teacher in question and someone told the teachers?

Your child happens to like playing with one of the teacher's children in nursery.....why is that a problem? It just means that the friendship cannot continue outside of that environment. That said, your DS is not really going to notice that he cannot play with a child outside of nursery is he.

I think you just need to accept that your children will not be socialising with the teachers children outside of school/nursery and move on from it.

I'm don't think your beef is about the DC's friendships. I think you are stinging from being rejected by these teachers.

I've been in a similar situation living in a tiny village where everyone else knew your business and the teachers were neighbours.

In my case it wasn't over in a few weeks / monhts. It ruined friendships for ever.

But having said that, a Head Teacher once said at a talk that I was at that a parent is only ever going to be as happy as your least happy child. You had a problem that needed fixing and tried to do it in as sensitive manner as possible. The fall out from that is understandable and you just need to smile and pretend you don't notice it.

I know how horrible all this kind of thing is. In the end I used to time drop off and pick upw with military precision so that I didn't need to stand there and feel awkward. I'm x million of years on from all of htis and when I remember back all I remember is needing to make sure my children got the best education I could.

I don't think it's a good idea generally to expect a teacher to be your friend except of course if you were friends before. I agree that you should keep your distance. Doesn't sound as if they did a very good job of making sure your son had a good education so I can't see why you bother with them tbh.
And removing your son to a new school did make a statement that you weren't happy with his teachers. Because you left your other son there. I agree that they got a telling off from the Head and blame you.

Doesn't sound as if they did a very good job of making sure your son had a good education

Not according to the OP's post at 10.40

I agree that they got a telling off from the Head and blame you

Just to be clear: I didn't 'befriend' either teacher as a result of my kids being in their class. I knew both of them socially before that on account of Teacher 1's son being friends with my son, and through having mutual friends with Teacher 2. I don't think that alters anything though. Clearly I am going to have to accept that my decision to move schools has had a bigger impact than I anticipated on ds1 and ds3, and by common consensus, this was unavoidable.

Iwantakitchen No I haven't.