My son's ex teachers are sulking with me

[caitlinohara]

I'll try to be brief.

Recently moved ds2 (Y2) to another school because he was deeply unhappy in the class he was in. It was a class of 30 and there were numerous ongoing behaviour problems and he was coming out of school angry and frustrated and often tearful. I raised a few concerns over the last term with the teachers but they were pretty dismissive, although one of the TA's was lovely and really seemed to try to look out for him at playtimes. Eventually decided to move him to a new school and was as open and diplomatic as I could be in the circumstances.

My older son is still at the old school because he is very happy there and will leave in July anyway.

Ds2's old class was a job share and I know both teachers pretty well, since one of them has a son in ds1's class, and the other has a daughter who plays with ds3 at nursery. Since ds2 left, both teachers have barely acknowledged me, although I see one or the other every day when I'm picking up ds1. I texted Teacher 2 the other day to invite her daughter round to play with ds3 and got a curt refusal. Neither has even said hello to ds2 or asked him how he was getting on at his new school. Took Teacher 1's son out the other weekend with mine and she got her dh to drop him off and pick him up and hasn't said thank you when I have seen her since.

I'm not sure what I expected, but I'm struggling to see their attitude as anything but petty and rude. I was really careful not to criticise them as teachers to the head because I wanted to try to stay on good terms with them for everyone's sake but it looks like they have taken offence anyway. I have been very involved in said school over the years. Regularly help out on school trips, run stalls at school fairs, etc etc. It's not me, is it? They are being dickheads, aren't they?

If a parent removes their child from a class on the ground that it's impossible for them to be happy there then that IS a complaint against the teacher in practice. It's their job to get the kids to integrate. I know she didn't raise it in order to criticise the teachers but it's bound to be flagged as an issue in performance reviews, potentially affecting bonuses, pay rises, consideration for internal positions, references for other jobs... Not saying that op made the wrong decision - she's got to do what's best for her son and it's not up to her to look after the teachers feelings - but I do think it's inappropriate to expect to maintain a personal relationship in these circumstances.

Also it sounds like the op didn't give the teachers a heads up in advance of speaking to the head. If the teachers were quasi friends then that must have hurt.

I think YABU to think things can carry on socially as normal when you have rejected someone professionally.

I think a further problem is that the teachers' DC are at / going to be at the school which you have rejected for your DS.

A few DC from my girls' school chose to move to a "better" school. I am always surprised that they expect me to agree with their judgement when I have happily left mine where they are. I also have no desire for their DC to be telling mine how much better the new school is or how bad the old school was. I feel like this as a parent rather than a teacher.

It may be that the teachers were told that you had blamed them for your son's unhappiness and your decision to move him to another school. Or they may have reached this conclusion themselves, interpreting the situation as an implied criticism of their professional skills. I think things may have been exacerbated by the fact that two teachers are involved. They have more than likely discussed it all together and perhaps reinforced their mutual sense of outrage or whatever they are feeling. One teacher on his/her own might have responded quite differently without a partner to ratchet up the emotion.

IMO the teachers' behaviour has been quite petty and immature, especially ignoring your son. That is simply a ridiculous way for adults to act. But the environment does sound a bit claustrophobic, and I would probably try to distance myself a bit from both of them, at least for a few months. Your DS1 can still see his friend (who cares if the teacher's husband does the drop offs and pick ups?) and your DS3 can see his friend at nursery. I would hope that in time the teachers would get over their sense of injury and move on. And if not, well, c'est la vie. You've done what was best for your child, that is all that really matters.

I think you have unrealistic expectations, op.

I dropped a friend pretty quickly because she chose a different school for her dd over the one mine went to! .

previous posters have good insight. These teachers are hurt, that is the bottom line. And howabout is right, it's just awkward because you've moved to what you feel is a "better" school and you did it in the middle of the school year, as if whatever it was was so bad you had to do it then.

Good luck, Op, maybe you can have a heart to heart with them so you can repair the personal relationships. When you used the other students as the excuse, the teachers felt you were implying that they couldn't control the other students' behavior and weren't in control of their classroom. So they took that as a criticism of them, not of the students.

I had exactly this problem with our local school. Pulled DS2 out because he was 8 and couldn't write and they weren't providing the things they were supposed to on his statement. He never got proper attention from the teacher but was put on an idiots' table with an unqualified TA all day with four other children, only one of whom had a statement (so his statement money was diluted by 2.5) and this was apparently because the class teacher had refused to teach a class with more than 25 in there and they wanted to keep her, so they just picked off five kids to make her life easier. No wonder he learned nothing.

When this was verified by a trusted third party I blew a gasket and looked at the next nearest school, which was a lot more professional, and sent him there a fortnight later. Meanwhile the first school panicked because the other kids with a statement left for the same reasons as we had (I did not know anything about this at the time, so very interesting they felt the same) and the school suddenly had to take two new children off the authority waiting list, and also fund the overflow table to keep their teacher happy out of the normal school budget.

In the new school after a month's proper teaching DS could write quite nicely and then a few terms later had steamed ahead, so obviously there was something dodgy going on in his original school.

Meanwhile DS1 stayed at the school until the end, and not only did teachers not talk to me, the other parents didn't either, and they would not let me have chairs at school events and so on, saying they were all taken etc. Bear in mind I could hardly walk, on crutches and obviously disabled, this was about as petty and inappropriate as it gets.

So I would recommend just rising about it and avoiding the school as much as possible until your other child leaves, which is what I did.

Hmm, tricky. I'm a teacher and it is a sensitive situation but i wouldnt normally take any offence unless the parent had specifically criticised my teaching. I've had a few pupils leave to go to a "better" school (as deemed by Ofsted) or to get away from a particular child (!) and i didnt take it personally at all. But i can see that in small community everything is very intertwined.

It if were me then I'd probably send a text or have a quiet word just to reiterate that you had no issues with their teaching, you hope there are no hard feelings and that you can all stay friends. Then leave it up to them and just smile and wave when you see them.

They're being petty. Your son has already been moved, whatever repercussions there were for them at school will have already happened. Them being churlish isn't going to change the situation, it just means it starts negatively affecting the children as well. They can hardly be expecting you to put their professional needs above your child's and keep your DS at a school that wasn't well-suited to him.

If they want to to hold a grudge and let the childrens' friendships suffer as a result, that's their decision. If they're that unable to separate their personal and professional lives, then that's possibly half the reason they weren't as effective teachers as maybe they could have been.

They can hardly be expecting you to put their professional needs above your child's and keep your DS at a school that wasn't well-suited to him.

They probably don't expect that and don't want to be good friends either.

Not acknowledging the 6 year old is unprofessional but the decision to no longer allow their children to socialise with the OP's children is probably wise

I know this was said a while ago, but this is frankly bizarre and an infringement of the children's rights, IMHO.

It is a shame that the teachers have taken it this way. My dd had an absolutely wonderful teacher for two years, but there was still a boy who was unhappy in that class and moved school. I was a teacher in adult education and had two students ask to change class, like you OP, without badmouthing or complaining about me though it was my fault. I really appreciated their discretion and certainly did not hold it against them.

Try and see it from their point of view - it must feel terribly awkward for them that you removed your child from their class mid year, and yet now want to be all pally pally play dates etc. I think its a bit petty to completely ignore your son, but you can hardly expect to remain best buddies with them can you?

I'm also another who thinks the dynamics at the school seem a little incestuous!

But op did criticise the teachers:

' I raised a few concerns over the last term with the teachers but they were pretty dismissive, although one of the TA's was lovely and really seemed to try to look out for him at playtimes'

Although that criticism was fair if they failed to respond to op's concerns. And op may not have told the head this. If you did op, that's probably what's pissed them off as they'd have discussed it but still you did the right thing if your child was unhappy. And they did the wrong thing not to respond to this and that's why you had to change schools.

It will blow over in he sense that you'll get used to not communicating with them much.

I'm surprised people are defending the teachers' attitude, which is unprofessional. Taking a child out doesn't need to be personal, especially where the problem is the class not the teaching. The teachers must be aware that it's a difficult class.

I nearly took my eldest out of her secondary school in Y9 - it had absolutely nothing to do with the teaching and everything to do with her class just being really not very nice (a mix of personalities that didn't work). We didn't in the end, but if we had, I would have been very miffed if the teachers had taken it personally.

You acted in your DS's best interests as would any other parent...including these two teachers.

The only person that's relevant here is your DS and what's best for him. The teachers need to realise this isn't about them and get over themselves.

You are the parent and the sibling of a child still at the school. Therefore they should behave in a professional manner.

I think teachers are allowed a private and personal life and if they don't want to socialise with you then that's up to them

I pulled DD 2 out of year 5 - they never said goodbye wished her luck or gave a card - f-all brother still at the school - teachers are sulky - although no personal connections. I could've written your post - they really don't care no are seriously crap - and yes I blame them for having no class control or effective behaviour policy!!

I also think it's possible that they feel they're protecting themselves. If they see the OP as having already complained as to their treatment of her kids (even if that's not a rational assessment of what's happened, I can see how they would get there, especially as we don't know how the head spoke to them) then of course they're not going to risk spending time with her kids - they might be worried about more repercussions.

I wanted to say exactly what GreenishMe said.

No way would I even break a sweat over this, the happiness and well being of my child trumps a teacher's career any day.

You did try to get this resolved, they didn't bother to listen. If they were in your shoes, they would have done the same every day of the week.

They are not friends, your child will make new friends and in the meantime will be happier at school.

Nothing else matters.

I find it telling that the OP is "teachers" and not "friends"

Seeing some of the attitudes towards teachers on this thread then I'm not surprised they want nothing to do with some parents.

Of course it was a criticism of their teaching, of course it is personal. Teachers can be put on a capability process and could lose their job.

Sometimes the parent doesn't know everything that goes on in a classroom.

Not a teacher but the daughter of one who was physically attacked in a supermarket by a parent who thought they were to blame for her pfb being upset.....nothing at all to do with the child being dumped by her boyfriend.

Can I just say in response to ricketytickety - I was extremely careful about what I said to the head and cited the large class size as the problem rather than behaviour and was VERY CLEAR that I had nothing against either teacher. I personally thanked one of the teachers in question in person for everything she had done, and put in writing that I was extremely grateful for everything they had done for ds1 and how highly I regard the school as a whole but that a large class was the wrong environment for ds2 and I had to accept that what was right for ds1 was not right for ds2. However, I had already raised concerns about behaviour directly with the teachers so they probably entirely reasonably concluded that this was the primary issue, although god knows they've been a nightmare class since day 1 and I genuinely think anyone would struggle with them.

And I don't want to be best buddies with either of them, it's really about the children socialising with their children, not me socialising with them!

No I wouldn't have called either a friend before this, so I don't think I have lost friends as such. I would settle for the children still being able to socialise and just politeness and a bit of small talk when our paths inevitably cross as they do.

I think the stuff about them being disciplined is a bit extreme. I didn't make any formal complaints about either of them, or any informal ones either!