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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it unfair to blatantly spoil one grandchild over another?

60 replies

Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 13:42

I have two dcs, one girl, one boy. My mother has always spoiled my first, the girl. When she was born she set up a bank account for her, and regularly deposits significant sums into it. Fast forward five years, and I have a 3 year old son. He has never had an account set up. He does get equal gifts for birthdays and Christmas though. DM mentioned this morning that she must put some more money into dd's account. I casually mentioned, what about dgs? The response was "oh someone else will give him money". I am not sure who...his other grandparents are not flush, but always give them equal amounts anyhow. I told her I would rather she split it between them, and she laughed.

It is her money, obviously. She can do what she wants with it. However I am not sure how I will explain this to my son in years to come. Maybe I should just let him think what he likes of her. But I don't want him to feel hurt.

She clearly doesn't care as I have already pointed it out to her. Any ideas how I should react? She so blatantly shows favouritism, and I don't want my children being a part of that kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
Hrafnkel · 21/01/2016 13:43

Accept the money. Split it between them when the time comes.

MTPurse · 21/01/2016 13:45

I think you need to tell her straight that if she will not treat them the same then you will not accept anymore gifts/money for your dd.

Original poster
Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 13:55

Thanks. It is not like a trust fund or anything, she plans to spend the money on dd at some point, I won't get to decide what it is spent on so cannot split. A part of me feels like just closing the account or putting ds's name on it too ;) but that might be a bit spiteful.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/01/2016 13:58

If you have control of the account I'd certainly close it - you can't be complicit in this! Of course you can't stop her opening her own account for your dd and giving her the money at 16+ but you can insist that her interactions with them up til then are fair and equal.

ChampaleSocialist · 21/01/2016 13:59

Thats not OK. I have no idea how to put it right without causing a family meltdown.

You can try reasoning with DD and explain Gran is being unfair so you are asking her to share. Ask her how she would feel if it were the other way around. Leave it for her to manage, she can transfer the money when she is 16 or 18, but it would have to be by her own choice with no pressure.
If she can find it in herself to be the bigger person, your family will be stronger.

Only1scoop · 21/01/2016 13:59

But surely if it's a savings account then why would she be 'spending the money on dg later' surely it will be up to dd?

I would say you'll split it between the two or make it a joint account maybe.

tilder · 21/01/2016 14:01

I have access and control of my kids accounts. I would set one up for ds, split the money in it 50:50, then transfer 50% of any new deposits into ds account.

Job done.

FoggyMorn · 21/01/2016 14:01

If the money is in an account with DD name on it, it is legally her money, it belongs to her.

Your DM is being unreasonable tho!

Original poster
Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 14:09

It is a joint account between my dd and dm. I don't know what her intentions are, she just mentions she is topping it up every so often. There is probably quite a bit of money in there now, I mean over a thousand. I always got the impression from earlier comments that she will use it to do nice things with dd, but she has never actually proposed doing anything in particular. Maybe when she is a teenager, I just don't know.

If I insist on something she will melt down and say I am ungrateful, as she is such a generous gm, and likes to remind us all of this regularly. I could close the account I think, given I am dd's guardian. But that would be a major statement.

I don't think it will be a case of dd just actually getting the cash, so I couldn't even ask her to share it.

I kind of just expected that she would open an account for ds when he arrived, but she never did, and obviously I never suggested she should.

Maybe I should show her this post?! Thanks for the advice! I think she is being really daft actually as ds will just dislike her for the favouritism, but I don't want dd to feel smug being the spoiled one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 14:12

Actually to rub salt in the wound, about a year ago I set up an account for my ds in the same bank, and I did mention this to dm, so if she wanted to put money in it she could, easily.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 21/01/2016 14:15

my gran done the same to me and my brother many years ago - she would give me stuff that she wouldn't give to him, things like biscuits and juice but once we got a bit older she started to give me money. it wasn't a lot, maybe £10 every 2 or 3 months but she never gave it to him. I told my parents when it happened and I always gave my brother half of it.

I don't know what I would do if my parents done the same to my kids - part of me thinks its their money they can do with it as they please however part of me thinks they should treat them equally.

sorry ive been no help, just rambled on.

peggyundercrackers · 21/01/2016 14:18

sorry just seen your latest post - once my brother learned what was going on he didn't stop speaking to her but he didn't go out of his way to be with her or speak to her either - he just didn't bother her. She lost out at the end of the day.

Original poster
Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 14:18

Thanks Peggy. It just feels wrong and not a good example to be setting my dd and ds. I sometimes feel like my dm spends her time undoing the good work I am trying to do with my kids...encouraging them in selfish behaviours etc, when she wouldn't have let us away with anything as kids!

OP posts:
hippowithsuncreen · 21/01/2016 14:22

A grandparent did this with me and my cousins. We don't speak now because it caused so much bitterness.

DinosaursRoar · 21/01/2016 14:26

Can you ask the bank if they can change it into an account just for your Mum? I would tell her you don't feel comfortable with money for your DD but not your DS. Open an account for your DD that you control, and tell your mum she can put money in that one, but to let her know, you'll split any money put in between both DCs unless the same is put in DSs. If she would rather just pay into one and you sort that, you'll do it.

She might cry, but you can't allow this to continue. If she says she is being generous - say "no, you are only being generous to [DD] - you are being mean to [DS] and when they are older, both will probably think less of you for it. I am giving you the chance to put this right before they will know as I don't think you mean to show favouritism, but if you do mean to show favouritism, I don't want that money for either."

Hihohoho1 · 21/01/2016 14:29

Oh that's vile behaviour op.

Honestly to me my kids getting on together and teaching then to support and share with each other would be more important to me than contact with a grandparent.

So I would tell my mother straight that it stops now. She either treats my children equally or not at all.

Seriously this would be a deal breaker for me.

Your kids need each other much more than they need a selfish devisive gran.

BeardedBear · 21/01/2016 14:36

My parents have done the same with presents. They gave be a present to give to DD "just because" i.e. not birthday, Christmas etc. It is in a box in storage because I've refused to give it to her when there is nothing for DS. That did not go down well!

It's the same with their behaviour when they visit, all DD, DD, DD. Totally ignore DS. At least I can give him 1-1 attention then, but it is hard for him.

WitchWay · 21/01/2016 14:36

My gran used to bring gifts for me & nothing for my brother - she was a seamstress & used to run up dolls' clothes with scraps - I think because they cost nothing she didn't appreciate the impact. My DB used to ask what she had for him & she'd reply, "Nothing darling" Sad

My DM put her foot down & told her she was to bring something for each of us or nothing at all - even a packet of sweets for my DB would be fine. It changed.

LemonBreeland · 21/01/2016 14:36

I think now you have mentioned it and she has blown you off, that you need to be totally clear to her how unacceptable you find it that she would treat your DC differently.

I can't imagine anyone doing this as it is such an abhorrent idea to me to treat childrne differently.

2rebecca · 21/01/2016 14:40

Do your children have different fathers or something that would explain it eg your daughter having no contact with her father's family so your mum feels she and her husband are the only grandparents? Maybe there isn't a husband as you only mention your mother so feeling a child only has 1 grandparent and you are it might explain being overly generous to 1 child. Still seems unfair though.

peachybex · 21/01/2016 14:41

Dinosaurs and Hiho - what they said.

To me, if you do nothing - you are supporting it. Not easy to tackle I am sure OP - but still needs doing. Flowers

DinosaursRoar · 21/01/2016 14:54

oh and long term OP - someone's feelings are going to get hurt - your Mums now, or your DSs (and possibly DDs) in the future. Get it done now.

Jux · 21/01/2016 14:57

The money is for your dd. Perhaps your mum is trying to balance the unfairness inherent in society which is blatantly unfair tomgirls/women. Your dd will work as hard as your son and wny other man, yet she will earn less, she will be as qualified and competent as men yet they will be preferred over her for promorion, it goes on and on.

Let your mum do her bit.

My bro was favoured by one grandmother. She gave him fab oresents, money and left him dosh in her Will. I got a pair of tights, beige, for my 8 th birthday. That's the only thing I got from her. Only telling you so you know I know what I'm talking about.

MyFriendGoo52 · 21/01/2016 14:59

You need to nip this shit in the bud now op, she will be fully aware of what she is doing.

Generous GM or not, she either treats your children equally or doesnt see them at all. Your son won't care now, but in a few years he will be all too aware he's being treated differently. As their mum it's your job to stand up for him now before it's too late.

Original poster
Sweetpotatocurry · 21/01/2016 14:59

Thanks for advice. No 2rebecca, my dh is dad to both, two gps on each side. My df does not ever question anything my dm does or says tbh. I might mention to him, but i expect it will be ww3 once i tell them what i really think. Even though i have already stated i dont like it and it is unfair, i was laughed at.

OP posts: