To think it unfair to blatantly spoil one grandchild over another?

[Sweetpotatocurry]

I have two dcs, one girl, one boy. My mother has always spoiled my first, the girl. When she was born she set up a bank account for her, and regularly deposits significant sums into it. Fast forward five years, and I have a 3 year old son. He has never had an account set up. He does get equal gifts for birthdays and Christmas though. DM mentioned this morning that she must put some more money into dd's account. I casually mentioned, what about dgs? The response was "oh someone else will give him money". I am not sure who...his other grandparents are not flush, but always give them equal amounts anyhow. I told her I would rather she split it between them, and she laughed.

It is her money, obviously. She can do what she wants with it. However I am not sure how I will explain this to my son in years to come. Maybe I should just let him think what he likes of her. But I don't want him to feel hurt.

She clearly doesn't care as I have already pointed it out to her. Any ideas how I should react? She so blatantly shows favouritism, and I don't want my children being a part of that kind of behaviour.

nope wouldn't be a party to this - the longer it goes on for, the worse it'll be. Tell your mum kindly that it's blatant favouritism and the account will be closed unless she starts splitting an equal amount to DS's account. I wouldn't put up with it for any more time, it's bizarre and utterly unjustifiable. My Dad gives money to my girls and it is split equally between their accounts.

Don't stand for being laughed at. send them an email or if they're not on email make a straightforward statement with a deadline - 'next time you deposit money for DD, if there isn't the same amount in DS's account, the account will be closed and I'll divide what's there so far between them'. Then leave it. It's not up to them and they're being mad.

Your mum and dad sound unpleasant TBH.
You have every right to be upset that one of your children is being ignored and one blatantly favoured.

If they laughed at you I suspect they are favouring one child purely for power reasons and as such I would limit contact with them.

As your DD grows older I suspect your mum will attempt to get to "side" with her against you and your son.,

I speak from bitter experience here. It poisons a family.

I agree with Dinosaur. I'd do exactly as she suggests, open an account for savings which will be split between your children and close the current account/transfer it to your mother. Your mum can contribute to both kids savings or neither.

BeardedBear seriously I would cut contact as they are actively harming both your children here.

My dad puts £10 a month in my son's child trust fund in lieu of birthday and Christmas presents (he actually normally forgets and gets him presents anyway). He's had another three grandchildren since then and doesn't put money away for them but not out of nastiness. He spent a lot of years caring for his wife who had terrible alcohol problems and has recently died so I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it.

I'll be making up any difference in savings to my other son when the time comes. I've just remembered I have another policy that will mature in elder son's name when he's 18. I did think I would only have one for a long time though.

Your mam sounds like she is doing it to be controlling though.

At Christmas last year fil bought dd1 a laptop. He asked mil to get some pencils when she went to tesco to give to dd2. Nephew got nothing, but mil put his name of the presents to all the grandchildren she had bought.

Laughed at?!

I would make it crystal clear that this was not a situation that was continuing.

It's your way or no way OP - the end. They can stamp feet if they like - you are doing the right thing and they will fall in line if they want to be involved with YOUR children.

Cheeky fuckwits

My auntie did this spoils my eldest DS. Makes out he's hard done by as he's not my husband's. ( he sees his dad and has a loving relationship with my DH) My auntie was funny when we were pregnant with DD never got her anything but got DS loads when I was pregnant. I was furious when she had the nerve to come round with sweets and toys for DS and nothing for my new baby even if it was a pack of nappies. I went wild with my mum who had strong words with her. She then asked what to get her and a said a night light. She came bk with a cheap pink little lamp. I'm currently pregnant with DC3 she's never offered to get anything but gave my DB baby clothes and money. I expect nothing from her this time but she will be getting told if she gets the same thing again. It's totally wrong to treat children differently.

Oh to make it worse trys to give me second toys and clothes for DD ( DD has loads of toys due to big family and plenty of clothes) but DS gets new toys, trips out etc.

OP cannot just ''close the account'', her DM is the account holder along with the with OP's DD as a minor. I imagine DM is the signatory on the account. OP wont have any powers over the account at all.

The only way is to sit down with your DM and spell out that she is being unfair, that you do not endorse this joint account with your DD anymore and you want her name taken off. Tell her that you'll let DD have nothing to do with the money to your knowledge.

Set up an account for your DD yourself and ask if your DM would like to transfer some or all of the funds. (then you can split it with DSs account if you wish)

"Can you ask the bank if they can change it into an account just for your Mum? I would tell her you don't feel comfortable with money for your DD but not your DS. Open an account for your DD that you control, and tell your mum she can put money in that one, but to let her know, you'll split any money put in between both DCs unless the same is put in DSs. If she would rather just pay into one and you sort that, you'll do it.

She might cry, but you can't allow this to continue. If she says she is being generous - say "no, you are only being generous to [DD] - you are being mean to [DS] and when they are older, both will probably think less of you for it. I am giving you the chance to put this right before they will know as I don't think you mean to show favouritism, but if you do mean to show favouritism, I don't want that money for either."

I would do this. If she doesn't want to give money to your son, she can't give it to our daughter. I feel very sad for both your children

I am not sure if there is much you can do about this situation except complain to you mother (which you have done). Things are muddy as it is a joint account, meaning if your mother needs that money for herself - she could take it out. It is really her money there is nothing you can do.

If the time comes and she decides to go on holiday with your daughter somewhere, what will you do? What if she buys a car for her? It is still her money. It is unfair, but she choose to be - unfortunately it is her prerogative.

Yes, she is being totally unfair and you are being reasonable to think it so. But it is out of your control.

My family went through this in a big way. My cousin (eldest grandson) was the apple of the eye of my grandmother. She felt bad my Uncle divorced, so they doted on him (and he lived with her for a while).

When i say dote, I am talking about 2 flats (one to rent out so he has income), a car, University in the US (in New York). The rest of us (about 11 cousins- including his sister) didn't even get help with education. I am one of the youngest grandchildren and I never even knew my grandmother - she died when I was about 4.

When my grandmother died she left a string of properties (imagine a few streets worth of houses) - they were divided between him (50% of estate) and my uncles/aunts getting the remainder. Uncles and aunts were in uproar - especially his Dad.

I don't begrudge him really as he is the nicest out of all my cousins but the other cousins were so jealous of him - even now 20 years later they complain he was given too much. He has even given 2 properties to his sister so she could have some income, as well as a house next door to him, so they can stay close.

Whether on small scale or grand scale - it is still painful to be on the unfair end.

Eponas - I think one party can decide they want to come off a joint account, just not shut it altogether, so as she is the parent of DD, I am pretty sure the OP could if not shut the account, stop it being a joint account, turning it into just an account owned by the Grandmother. The OP wouldn't be able to access the money/withdraw it, but could stop it being in the DD's name.

The Grandmother might continue to save money in her own name just for DD, which you can't do anything about, other than make it clear until DD is an adult, yo'ull refuse it unless there's an equal amount for DS.

OP - if they explode, they explode - do not put avoiding upsetting your parents as a higher priority over upsetting your DS. Your DS should matter more than your mum, so if she gets upset, let her. You can just cut contact - then vow you'll never treat DGC different!

BTW - are you an only child? It might partly explain why your mum can't see anything wrong with only thinking about one child.

I really feel for you OP, the fact that your mum does this and laughs when you mention it just shows she sees nothing wrong in treating your DD better than your DS. I suspect it will cause a big row but I think you need to show your DS that you do not agree with it and won't put up with it.

My Nan did this with me and my cousins - all the girls got double the amount the boys got at xmas/bday. It's just such a horrible petty thing to do as they really isn't an explanation for it. I always split mine with my brother and my mum would point blank return any clothes/gifts from the 'treat outings' she only took the girls on. It just made things awkward and horrible and my brother couldn't understand it.

Ironically it's the boys who have to help her now in ill health whilst most of the girls only go to see her if they want something

DH's parents treat our DS -11 like a prince, our DD -6 gets nothing from them. Not even cards on her birthday. DH gently suggested 2 years ago this was unequal & unkind. More forcefully a year ago, then this year told them they could not give DS stuff if they weren't prepared to do the same for DD. They have thrown the mother of all tantrums & are currently nc until we agree not to dictate what they buy for their grandchildren. Some people are just odd.

Thanks. My dm is very difficult and has no respect for my views really.

I have a younger brother, and tbh he is her favourite, he has struggled in life more than me, and also doesn't stand up to her at all, so is a lot easier from her perspective. But he has no kids yet. It will be interesting to see how she behaves if he does. I would not be surprised if she gives him money or stuff that i am not aware of, but i really don't care about that. It is because my kids are involved in her stuff that bothers me.

I won't cut contact, just not in my nature, i sometimes wish i could.

My son is the missed out grandchild. It's shit, he was heartbroken when they didn't bother to see him or speak to him on or around his birthday.
When they rarely come in, it is literally popping in, he'll try and get them to play. But they always have to go.
He is heartbroken and I don't know what to do.

Meanwhile niece has over £7000 given to her, taken out every other week, shopping, restaurants, days out. Sleep overs, All inclusive Holidays abroad.
My son doesn't want all that (he's not questioned it, he's 5), just some time.

I don't know what you can do if she just laughs, she clearly doesn't see the issue.

I would just text her with your sons account details along with a message telling her she can split the money from now on and if she doesn't have it out with her.

You don't have to cut contact, but then you also don't need to tiptoe round her to stop her cutting contact because you won't do what she wants. You can stop the joint account. She can't set another one up without you, so just say no. if she wants to put money in DD's name it has to go via you and you'll split anything with DS even if she doesn't want you to. You are happy for your DD to get nothing if she'd rather do that than give anything to DS.

"If I insist on something she will melt down and say I am ungrateful, as she is such a generous gm, and likes to remind us all of this regularly. I could close the account I think, given I am dd's guardian. But that would be a major statement. "
Make the major statement. Her behaviour will drive a wedge between your children, affecting their relationship with each other. This is a far more important relationship than the one between your mother and your children or even between her and yourself. Do it soon, before your children are capable of feeling it. Even when they find out later what she tried to do (she sounds like she'll tell them), they will know their mum had their backs.

And she is NOT generous. She is divisive.

dinosaurs - as she is the parent of DD, I am pretty sure the OP could if not shut the account, stop it being a joint account

That would be good. I wonder if it is possible? For a parent to do this i mean. OP i'd look into this.

I've been the GC on the receiving end of this, my nan spoilt my younger brother & my parents said & did nothing about it-I still to this day think they should have & my nan's blatant favouritism pretty much destroyed the relationship I had with her.

I was afraid of this with my two dc. My older dd was showered with gifts of money after she was born and the first few years of her life being the first and only grandchild on both sides. I put all the money in a savings account for her (in my name). Sure enough when my son came along, the gifts for him were fewer and less extravagant (the novelty of grandchildren had worn off a wee bit!). So much so, that by his first year, he had considerably less in his account than she had had at that point (think a couple of thousand less).

So...because all the money and accounts were in my name, which I would always recommend as it gives you control, I've almalagmated them both into one account. When they reach adulthood it will be split evenly between them by me. I did angonise about this a bit as I was unsure of the ethics of taking gift money for one child and redistributing it with the other, but fuck it. As long as my kids are happy and don't feel one of them is the 'favourite' then I don't care.

Any chance you could ask your mum if she'll give you the money she's got saved for dd? Tell her you want to put it in a children's isa or something you have with a preferential interest rate? Bit underhand, but if she goes for it, you can quietly keeo the money in an account and split it as you see fit? Long shot but it might work???

I had GPs who had favourites, even to the extent they were quite spiteful to those who weren't favourites.

Tell your DM that she won't be seeing her GC if she doesn't treat your DC the same. I believe it is abuse to blatantly favour one child over their sibling. It could also spoil your DC's relationship with each other.