In thinking that i cannot ignore my brother calling my 4yr old ds a prick?

[AfroPuffs]

Will try to be brief but I've been a combination of livid, tearful, disappointed, hurt for hours now and i cannot get to sleep!

So usual sunday dinner at parents, my brother is very early twenties and usually lovely!

My 4yr old ds is also lovely but can get over-excited, get a bit OTT and on occasion is spirited, stubborn argumentative. Usual 4yr old stuff which is usually managed by removal of toys/tablet/activity etc.

My ds and my bro have a good relationship and there is a lot of banter between them i suppose...play-fighting, tickling, calling each other funny/silly names in jest.

This happened today as normal, but when me and ds were getting into brothers car to get a ride home, my brother very suddenly took offence to being called a silly name. My ds had a little bag of sweeties that his gran had given to him and in anger my brother snatched it away and was winding ds up, who was crying about his sweeties at this point.

My ds was screaming and crying and i tried to just get him in the car/calm him down. I also told my brother then to stop because its winding him up etc. As ds went to get in the car he shoved my brother and my brother then yanked off ds' woolly hat from behind and called him a prick.

G'parents had come out to the drive by this point and my mum just got my brother inside, while he yelled about my parenting skills and called me a cunt. My mum closed the front door and so i just left with ds.

My mum texted me later to check if we got home ok and said 'i dont know why you didnt let me give you a lift home". I replied that i was trying to get my ds as far away as poss from the bully! She hasnt responded and i suppose will take my brothers side as usual.

Am i wrong to be upset about this? They seem to be ignoring the whole thing and im just so upset. How can you call 4yr old a prick?! I get that my ds can get a bit carried away...but if the banter is fine with you at 2pm, then why be offended at 7pm?!

its only the brothers choice of name that sets him apart from the 4yo tbh.

No I think theres something else, about 18 odd years difference in age plus a sense of maturity thats meant to come with that.

take away the ages and just look at the exchange, and their relationship as she describes it.

that is NOT an adult/child dynamic, nor is the exchange. its two kids.

her brother is an immature moron, and that being said, expecting him to suddenly behave like an adult is naive.

Skully

Her brother is an adult. It's not something he can opt of of.

That goes for all adults when interacting with a child.

I just heard a mum on a bus telling her 2/3 year old DD to 'jog on you bloody cow'

Your brother sounds like an appalling influence and I would not want my child anywhere near him. It is not normal behaviour for an adult to wind up a 4 year old OR call him abusive names.

Opt out of

skully I certainly tried to reprimand my ds and get hold of the situation. When my brother snatched the sweeties, they were on the other side of the driveway and by drivers side of the car. I was on the other side and was telling them to stop across the roof of the car. My ds came round to my side of the car crying, brother was behind him. Ds shoved him and as i went to grab ds' arm to tell him off, my brother yanked the hat off his head etc etc. So i wasnt given much opportunity to sort it put before my bro made an idiot of himself. We are NOT as bad as each other as i dont call ANYONE the C word and i certainly wouldnt disrespect a family member in such an awful way. Im not in the habit of bullying 4yr olds either....

Out*

Yes I agree with you Skully Just because we may not LIKE it , plenty of young men and women behave in idiotic childish ways, swearing etc. what should we do, beat them and or lock em up for it?

IMO we shouldn't go NC if they don't get good examples of behaviour from the well behaved members then they remain ignorant.

I would explain to your ds that his uncle is sometimes silly and that he doesn't mean the bad words (he was feeling sad, wasn't thinking, or whatever).

"sometimes silly"
Yeah, that's an appropriate description of verbal abuse
The minimising by some PPs is depressing.

OR you could say "We're not seeing uncle x at the moment because he was very rude to us and doesn't want to apologise. I hope we will be able to make friends again soon."

AnotherEmma If you read my post correctly I used that expression because it is what I was suggesting the op said when talking to a her 4 yr. old.

What's the use of splitting a family over an ignorant twit?

ppeatfruit one person is four the other is in their twenties!

No one is saying a a 20 + year old should face jail time for acting like a twit but it was the OP's brother and her called her a cunt.

That was before calling a 4 year old a prick!

Little children shouldn't be exposed to that kind of language or aggression so whatever steps she needs to take to protect him are justified. She didn't cause the rift in the family and neither did her son. Her brother did because he couldn't separate his foul language/aggression with the fact that he was in the presence of his four year old nephew.

The grandparents should protect their grandchild, but apparently protected their adult son instead. A. Grown. Ass. Man.

ppeatfruit

1. I did read your post correctly, thanks
2. No-one (or at least no-one I can see) has advised the OP to "split her family". That's an exaggeration. Don't know exactly what PPs said but I personally advised her to reduce contact. Obviously a decision to go completely NC would have to be based on the bigger picture.

The boy is 4fgs, a very small child, who is probably tired, excited, and is still learning social skills. Yes it does sound like usual 4 year old behaviour, we expect too much of very young children now!!! The brother is a 22 year old adult, old enough to be a father himself, but acting like a 10 year child. If he did nit like ds calling him that, he should have corrected ds appropriately, not called him and his mum ghastly names. Some mumsnetter say, really need a big fat grip!!

Op personally I think you are stellar in how you are handling this..... its totally unacceptable to use those names and in no bloody way whatsoever would any rational intelligent person consider A 21 year old and a 4 year old behaviour comparable

There is clearly a family dynamic at work but you seem aware of it and have great boundaries ..... I think it's fab that you recognise your behaviour here will evidence to ds what behaviour is acceptable , he will also remember that when the chips are down mum goes to bat for him

It really doesn't sound like you are "soft" and I have no doubt you have talked to your son about his behaviour

I often see the sort of enabling posts on a thread like this ..... worrying about " splitting a family " and " six of one half a dozen" and it's just ridiculous. .. used to make my blood boil but frankly the posters are just rather sad individuals that value other people's feelings over their children's and even their own

Don't lose your rockstar attitude , damn right you don't take the blame , you and ds did nothing wrong and please don't let anyone tell you to take it for a quiet life.... no such thing as a quiet life... its just existing not living

Had he been drinking at all, that can cause a startlingly sudden change in mood in some people.

Read the thread before posting people!

I just heard a mum on a bus telling her 2/3 year old DD to 'jog on you bloody cow'

Classy. I can just see her hair scraped into a greasy Croydon facelift, complete with puffa jacket and yapping pitbull

Euripides Well if you want to live in glorious solitude because you're "right" then fine but IMO and E life ain't like that. Flexibility is the key.

Just wanting to 'get along' with other people is not sad. We can all be judgey and take the moral high ground. I've seen many adults behaving like big kids if I ignored them all because I'm more controlled or 'better' than them I wouldn't see any one.

Thanks so much Euripidesralph that means a lot. I have told ds that we wont see his uncle for a while as he treated as badly and he needs to say sorry. Ds kissed me and said "thats ok because uncle was shouting and he wasnt nice to me". Bless him, he is still quite upset about it.

Ive heard nothing from brother or parents until this evening...and only because i had to call my dad about a separate issue.

I asked him my question and we chatted for a few mins about it. There was a silence as i wanted to see if he mentioned the incident in sunday night. Suddenly he said sorry for what happened the other night and "we all need to get on better".

I said "well thats all very well and easy foe you to say, but i dont expect to be abused in that fashion by my own brother".

He agreed and said it was a "disgusting situation".

Key thing for me is that he didnt say my brother's behaviour was disgusting but the "situation" was disgusting. Am I reading too much into that or is it minimising?

Sorry for typos! Aargh

FFS

Euripidesralph you nailed it!