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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that i cannot ignore my brother calling my 4yr old ds a prick?

134 replies

AfroPuffs · 18/01/2016 00:18

Will try to be brief but I've been a combination of livid, tearful, disappointed, hurt for hours now and i cannot get to sleep!

So usual sunday dinner at parents, my brother is very early twenties and usually lovely!

My 4yr old ds is also lovely but can get over-excited, get a bit OTT and on occasion is spirited, stubborn argumentative. Usual 4yr old stuff which is usually managed by removal of toys/tablet/activity etc.

My ds and my bro have a good relationship and there is a lot of banter between them i suppose...play-fighting, tickling, calling each other funny/silly names in jest.

This happened today as normal, but when me and ds were getting into brothers car to get a ride home, my brother very suddenly took offence to being called a silly name. My ds had a little bag of sweeties that his gran had given to him and in anger my brother snatched it away and was winding ds up, who was crying about his sweeties at this point.

My ds was screaming and crying and i tried to just get him in the car/calm him down. I also told my brother then to stop because its winding him up etc. As ds went to get in the car he shoved my brother and my brother then yanked off ds' woolly hat from behind and called him a prick.

G'parents had come out to the drive by this point and my mum just got my brother inside, while he yelled about my parenting skills and called me a cunt. My mum closed the front door and so i just left with ds.

My mum texted me later to check if we got home ok and said 'i dont know why you didnt let me give you a lift home". I replied that i was trying to get my ds as far away as poss from the bully! She hasnt responded and i suppose will take my brothers side as usual.

Am i wrong to be upset about this? They seem to be ignoring the whole thing and im just so upset. How can you call 4yr old a prick?! I get that my ds can get a bit carried away...but if the banter is fine with you at 2pm, then why be offended at 7pm?!

OP posts:
annielouisa · 18/01/2016 12:26

Op you said your brother is very much into fitness do you mean the gym? Is there a possibility he has taken a short cut and is using steroids? If he is normally nice might explain the out of character behaviour but not excuse it!

witsender · 18/01/2016 12:28

Whether you personally agree with cheeky name calling within a family (provided everyone was happy I would have no issue with it) calling a 4 year old a prick and his mother a cunt is game over tbh. Just no. I can't believe people are even intimating that the child, barely out of preschool/toddlerhood and his mother deserved that or brought it on themselves.

Original poster
AfroPuffs · 18/01/2016 12:32

Sorry am at work so I have to sneak on when I can...

The Sunday lunches are a weekly thing, so yes I suppose they could be reduced so they arent together as often. But the teasing is and was not continuous, so they were mucking around at about 2pm for a while...then my ds played on his tablet and helped his gran in the kitchen....so its not like he is playing all afternoon and being irritating. I guess if the relationship moves forward then new boundaries need to be set and learned. Just dont understand why my brother didnt talk to me like a normal person!

My mum is controlling and i know for a fact there are things said to one family member about the other quite often. For example whenever i have asked brother in the past to babysit, my mum calls after the event to tell me that my brother didnt want to but felt obliged etc. However when i asked my brother about this he was in shock and said he had said no such thing! Just little things like that make me very unsure of myself and what people think of me/ds. Im fed up with it now.

I also didnt say anything to my brother foe him to call me a C. He literally yanked his hat off and shouted "you little prick", so in response i raised my voice to be heard and told him not to say it, he is 4yrs old, how immature etc. I did not swear back because i actually THINK before i speak and my da was standing right there. So no, no reason for him to take it to that level of abuse at all, he was just trying to have the last word by being rude and making smart alec comments re my parenting skills. Cheap shots and just plain nasty.

My dad was useless, went back in and peered through the living room curtains.

Fed up of being bullied so unless they own up and apologise then they wont be seeing me for a long while. I have to show ds that this sort of behaviour is not on.

OP posts:
shadowfax07 · 18/01/2016 12:33

annielouisa I wondered about steroids too, when the OP mentioned fitness.

chrome100 · 18/01/2016 12:35

It's not great on your brother's part. But I certainly wouldn't "cut ties" based on one episode. Just have a chat about it.

Original poster
AfroPuffs · 18/01/2016 12:39

For*
Ds*

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 18/01/2016 12:40

I can't believe people are even intimating that the child, barely out of preschool/toddlerhood and his mother deserved that or brought it on themselves

Agree with you regarding this. Have noticed recently here it doesnt seem to matter what the OP has said, theres always someone willing to blame them.

Original poster
AfroPuffs · 18/01/2016 12:43

No I dont think it would be steroids, he doesnt respect people on them as its unnatural....my money is on a little quarrel with the gf via whatsapp (he was on his phone loads yesterday), so he was probably just irritable for that reason and we got the brunt of it. Nice.

OP posts:
flippinada · 18/01/2016 12:48

Agree with Laguna and Witsender.

Yes, young childrens behaviour can sometimes be challenging but what kind of 'adult' calls a four year old a 'prick' and his sister a 'cunt'? And what kind of person excuses it? Yuck.

Mind you, with some folks attitudes you can see where the spoilt man-babies who carry on like this come from.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 18/01/2016 12:53

Reread your post OP, did your boy here him call you cunt?
If so, I'd never ever ever ever talk to him again, no shit! He can call you names in private all he wants but to risk been heard by your own son is fucking disgusting!
As I said earlier your ds will respect you more if he sees you deal with this properly
Disgusting man, whatever set him off doesn't matter, disgusting individual calling a mother in front of her child these names

I hope you don't need him in any way in your life so tell him to fuck off!

Throwingshade · 18/01/2016 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MeridianB · 18/01/2016 13:06

OP, I agree with everyone here who has said your brother and your parents all behaved really terribly.

What your brother did was not OK. If he does not apologise he is adding insult to injury.

Your parents' reactions are just appalling. As one poster said up-thread: Your brother called you a C in front of your son and parents and your dad thought that was OK? Apparently your mum did, too.

If a stranger in the street called you a C, would your parents be shocked and appalled? I bet they would. But it's OK for a close family member to do it. And they are enabling, condoning and excusing his behaviour.

Shame on them.

It can only be a good thing if you don't see any of them for a long while. Your son deserves better role models.

Flowers
Maryz · 18/01/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AfroPuffs · 18/01/2016 13:18

Yes im definitely going to stay away from brother for a while. Im expecting a real apology before I even consider being around him again. Just such a shock as it was so vicious...he called me a C and my mum was right there and said nothing.

And for the 3rd time...yes i understand there was a "similar" thread but stop with the troll hunting please! I have been a member of this site for 6 years throwingshade

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/01/2016 13:18

Do people really go completely and permanently non-contact with family members because of one loss of temper?

I'm not suggesting permanently. But in my world, if someone loses their temper they apologise and avoid a repeat of it. And other people are shocked or say something/protect the innocent and don't try to minimize it. Then everyone moves on.

OP is dealing with three people who want her to believe that what happened is OK (and possibly even her fault) so a break of some sort doesn't feel disaprorportionate. The ball is in their court now. Would you go back this Sunday?

WilLiAmHerschel · 18/01/2016 13:31

Do people really go completely and permanently non-contact with family members because of one loss of temper?

My brother treats my mum like shit (still lives with her), is rude, self-pitying and aggressive. I gave up making the effort to see or talk to him and as a result have barely seen him in three years. It wasn't a case of me saying no to contact to him but me waiting for him to take the lead. There is no contact but he is perfectly able to initiate it if he wanted to so it is all his doing. One of the last times I saw him (the time I decided to stop trying to see him), he punched me hard in the stomach because I dared to suggest whatever problem he was having at that time was his own fault.

Skullyton · 18/01/2016 13:39

So.. without the melodrama.

Your DS called your bro a not very nice name, and he took offence as he wasn't in the mood right then and took a bag of sweets off your child.

Child then shouted and screamed so your brother wound him up a bit, which your 4yo responded to by shoving your brother, who then snatched your childs hat and called him a prick.

you told bro off for calling your child a prick (but didn't tell your son off for calling him a name or shoving him, and your bro questioned your parenting and called you a cunt?

You all sound as bad as each other.

You should have intervened as soon as the first exchange happened. Your inaction and refusal to reprimand your child for calling your brother a name was what escalated the situation.

All it should have taken was a "DS, dont do that" and taking the sweets back off your brother and tell him to stop being stupid.

While i agree your DB was being a monumental prick himself, it wouldn't have got to the further stages of shoving, hat stealing and 'prick' calling if you'd told your son to leave your brother alone when he obviously wasn't in the mood to be insulted by a child at that point.

flippinada · 18/01/2016 13:54

It never ceases to surprise me, the lengths some people will go to in excusing behaviour like this. Actually, that's not true - I'm not surprised at all.

Look, the brother was completely in the wrong, no matter which way you look at it.

Also, if OP doesn't want to speak to him until he apologises (I wouldn't either) than that's her business.

flippinada · 18/01/2016 14:00

"you told bro off for calling your child a prick (but didn't tell your son off for calling him a name or shoving him, and your bro questioned your parenting and called you a cunt?"

Are you quite serious? An overexcited 4 year old calling daft names is on the same level as an adult calling said child (his nephew) a prick and his mother (his own sister) a cunt?

And how on earth are they 'as bad as each other'?

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 14:09

anjpink

Why on earth are you making excuses for the OP's brother?

I can't believe you are seriously advising the OP to 'just call your brother and explain things got a bit heated and maybe taken out of context'

What is the OP supposed to apologise for? For being called a cunt? Hmm

I really feel sorry for your DD and 6 year old dgd. So your son teases your DGS but you expect your DD to know the 'stop switch'. Why doesn't your son find the 'stop switch', he's the one teasing a 6 yo child, not your DD?

i think he thought " over reaction on calling DS a prick" got a bit heated and responded with calling you a C ....

So he said one nasty word, didn't like the response and responded with an even nastier word? There WAS an overreaction, but it was on the brother's part. Hmm

lincolnshirelassy · 18/01/2016 14:12

OP (flowers)

That's a really disgusting way for both your brother and parents to behave. I'd be livid. I cannot imagine my brother doing this, and even more so, my parents not sticking up for me if he did.

Was alcohol involved?

To call your 4 year old a prick is bad enough, but the language used to you in front of him is utterly disgusting.

Skullyton · 18/01/2016 14:12

because the whole thing was childish from start to finish. its only the brothers choice of name that sets him apart from the 4yo tbh.

Furiosa · 18/01/2016 14:18

And the fact that he's grown man skullyton?

NameChange30 · 18/01/2016 14:18

It sounds like a dysfunctional family, and it would be a good idea to distance yourself a bit. I'm not saying go no contact, just a bit less contact - you need to protect yourself and your son from any manipulation and abuse from your mother and/or brother.

It sounds like your brother has anger and boundary issues. He is certainly taking the "teasing" and "banter" way too far, for examples when he took your son's sweets away - no wonder the poor boy was upset. As the adult in this scenario, your brother needs to know where the "line" is, make sure he doesn't cross it, calmly tell your son if/when he has crossed the line - and, most importantly, he needs to be consistent in this. If he isn't able to do so, he shouldn't do any "teasing" or "banter". His latest behaviour makes me wonder if he is trying to assert his power and dominance through these "games", hence the extreme anger when he doesn't have the upper hand or when it doesn't go the way he wants it to.

In any case, whether or not it's helpful to analyse your brother's behaviour, I want to stress that he is responsible for it, not you and certainly not your 4yo son! You mentioned in a previous post that wondered what you had done to deserve your family's treatment of you - the answer is NOTHING. I suspect that with a dysfunctional family like this, they are likely to treat you badly no matter what you do.

Have you ever come across the Stately Homes thread? You might find people in similar situations and good support there.

IcecreamBus · 18/01/2016 14:23

Your brother is an adult and as such, he should be able to control his own language and behaviour. I'm sorry, but if anyone I knew, let alone a family member called me or DC revolting names that would be the last we saw of them until they developed some regulation over themselves. I wouldn't want my DC thinking this was in any way normal or acceptable behaviour.