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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL inviting himself on holiday with us

122 replies

bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 21:43

FIL is elderly has invited himself this evening on our ski holiday. He has been before on quite a few occassions (again - self invited) as well as summer holidays! I told him last summer that we were going with friends and he could not come - as I felt this was becoming quite a habit.

He is a very nice gentleman but we take our 3 young children and stay in cramped accomodation.

He's too elderly to be any help with the children and it's even more work for me to look after another person and listen to his endless chatting

When he asked this evening and about booking dates - I just mumbled and tried to change subject. I know this is a bit wimpy but I was caught on the hop (I know 'no' is a complete sentence etc.)

DH knows how I feel about another holiday with an additional guest and started putting him off gently. However, FIL just started saying how he only has a couple of years left skiing etc.

AIBU in being strict and saying no and offending him greatly? I think our accomodation is too small to take another person comfortably (although hasn't put him off before). He does generally irritate me slightly and will expect to be catered for by me!

If anyone thinks I'm NBU - any advice on how to gently tell him no?

OP posts:
MLGs · 15/01/2016 07:35

I would let him come probably but not do any running round after him. Get dh to have a chat and make it all clear in advance.

But you wouldn't be u not to let him come. It's for dh to the him though.

PoppieD · 15/01/2016 07:36

Think people are being bit unfair to OP- yes I understand he is 80, but that doesn't mean 'I want, I get' particularly if it's all one sided! How much contact do you have when not on hols? Think the idea of joining you but at separate accommodation sounds a good plan, you could even Google a list of close by hotels to help him choose where to book? Is he actually joining a family holiday or just piggybacking on your bed and board?

londonrach · 15/01/2016 07:36

Tbh if accommodation is booked nearby i dont see a problem. He doesnt want to miss out and at 80 wants to ski. Wow! Your dc in years to come will look back at this with good memories of their grandfather. Id give anything to go on holiday with my grandparents but sadly they no longer with us. Enjoy your holiday op. Id suggest you move that 8pm meal to earlier. Just tell him why!

iPaid · 15/01/2016 07:41

Oh don't start with the guilt trips!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/01/2016 07:55

my df sounds quite similar to your fil. I love him, but spending a lot of time with him is exhausting. He doesn't notice how much work goes in to everything and will just say "I'm easy going and will go along with whatever you want", which translates as "I won't be doing anything, I'll just tag along and expect everything to be provided".

It's fine in small doses, but not when I want to relax.

My df does, however, love playing with the dcs. So he does have that in his favour. But whilst we do occasionally go on (short) holidays with df, there is no way that I would have him on our holiday. They're about fun and games with dcs during the day, and romantic collapsing with a glass of wine and dh in the evening. There's no way that he wouldn't change that dynamic.

I don't want to resent my df, I want to enjoy his company. So I make sure that the time we spend together is fun for everyone.

Don't be guilt tripped into inviting him. If he wants to go skiing, why not find a group for him to go along with.

You're a better person than I for even considering it :o

There's nothing wrong with going without him.

bigTillyMint · 15/01/2016 08:04

OMG, 2 weeks in a tiny ski apartment with 3 small children and an elderly manShock I think I would throw myself off the nearest mountain! We have skied every year for the last 20 or so and I can honestly say the worst holiday ever was one we went on with friends - only 1 bedroom but 2 couples and an extra loudly snoring male, so one of the couples had to share with him each night.

Definitely say that now your children are older, you feel there isn't enough room for you all but that if he books accommodation nearby, he's welcome to come when you are there, etc.

Or he could look for SAGA ski holiday, or somethingWink

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 08:09

funk you you have summed up my feelings exactly. I really like my dh and enjoy the part of day when kids are in bed and we can chill and enjoy each others company.

I know that he's my dh's dad but in reality - he's not someone who I would freely choose to go on holiday with.

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 15/01/2016 08:10

Staying in hotel is a good idea, rather than fancy restaurant could he arrange takeaway one night?
Also why are you looking after children and fil, where is dh, when do you get to ski?

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 08:12

bigtillymint haahaa! You know exactly how I feel.

I think it would be very different if it was MIL - I've just read this post which is very similar (although MIL staying in her own apartment)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2285488-AIBU-to-not-want-mother-in-law-on-holiday-with-us-for-two-weeks

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 15/01/2016 08:27

I think you've had a lot of good advice, and I agree that it should be DH who talks to his dad about this. He can approach it by saying that your family and dad have different needs and it would be more comfortable for him to be in separate accommodation. More flexible for his needs, he can eat late if he wants, there will be other people to chat to, he can get ready in the morning with his own bathroom, at his own pace. I think it could prove beneficial.

DH needs to emphasise that your apartment is really too small now, six people all needing to use the bathroom in the morning, the DC being tired after a hard days skiing and needing to eat early evening and rest. If FIL starts to get huffy, DH could indicate that it is your holiday as well and that you have catered for him, done his washing, entertained him. Could he think of any ways in which he has helped DW on these holidays, with the meal prep, looking after the DC and helping them, has he considered that she might be tired and need a bit of peace and quiet in the evening?

If you do join FIL for a couple of meals out, you could return early to your apartment on those days for everyone to rest beforehand and get ready in a more leisurely manner.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/01/2016 08:27

Just seconding (thirding, fourthing, fifthing?) the idea that DH should gently insist he gets separate accommodation. Nothing to be guilty about.

Kids are getting older and you'd like your bed room to yourself.

Hint hint.

Cant see anyone really arguing with that.

Jux · 15/01/2016 08:45

He'll have a really nice time in a hotel.

littleleftie · 15/01/2016 08:45

No way would I be responsible for an eighty year old ski-ing. If he falls and injures himself what then?

If he has form for inviting himself along why on earth were you discussing your holiday in front of him?

I would say as the DC are getting older etc and apartment is cramped, he won't be able to come unless he books his own accommodation, but wouldn't it be lovely to all go on holiday for a long weekend somewhere far more suitable later in the year.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 08:53

littleleftie - we didn't discuss in front of him! We go skiing every year and he asked yesterday for the dates we were going skiing this year so he could book his flights!

OP posts:
Jux · 15/01/2016 08:57

I think your dh should emphasise how much you do for FIL, as girlywirly has outlined, and then remind fil that it's your holiday too. Then suggest the hotel nearby.

PhoenixReisling · 15/01/2016 08:58

So your FIL, essentially invites himself on the majority of your holidays (at your expense) and some PP think that you need to suck it up because he is elderly and may not be around for much longer Hmm.

belly ignore those posts and personally I would be pissed off too if that happened.

I would tell him to book other accomdation as the apartment is too small for six and ignore any huffiness as it is passive/aggressive and done to guilt you into doing what he wants.

Only1scoop · 15/01/2016 09:00

I'd get your DH to deal with it all.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 09:11

Thanks everyone. I was starting to think I was being horrible. It's nice to know others feel the same as me!

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 15/01/2016 09:21

"He won't be around much longer" is a jolly good reason not to store up a lot of unhappy memories of fraught holidays with him.

Anotherusername1 · 15/01/2016 09:31

"He won't be around much longer" is always used as a stick to beat people with. If he's that fit at 80 he could easily still be around at 100.

I am one of those who think wow he's still ski-ing at 80. Maybe he won't bother with insurance - and he can still use the EHIC if you are ski-ing in he EU. My mother has a friend in her 90s who has never been able to get travel insurance due to having had breast cancer in her 40s. She goes away and would suck up the cost if she needed to cancel or was ill. She's quite wealthy though so can self-insure.

However, totally agree with saying book your own accommodation. There is no way I would share cramped accommodation with my own mother (and she wouldn't want to anyway). We went away with her and a friend last year, they had a hotel room each and we had a room for the three of us. Worked fine and no suggestion of sharing!

juneau · 15/01/2016 09:43

I don't think you're being horrible at all - in fact I think you've been a saint all these years to put up with your selfish FIL gate-crashing your every holiday! I get what people are saying about him being 80 and not being around much longer, but many an elderly person lives to 90+ these days and if he continues to act as he has done so far that will be your DC's entire childhood spent bunking up with him every time you go away.

Will he expect to stay with you for the entire two weeks? One week would be bad enough, but to just expect to piggy-back off your accommodation for two weeks at a time is a serious piss-take IMO. No wonder he can afford the insurance - he's basically getting a free holiday.

Stand your ground OP and I would suggest that he only joins you for one of the weeks - not both. You and your DH deserve a holiday too and that's hard enough to have with small DC, let alone baby-sitting a selfish 80-year-old as well.

icanteven · 15/01/2016 09:45

Apologies if you have already explained this, but can you not book a larger apartment, with him paying the difference? That would presumably be cheaper than him staying on his own, and would solve the problem of a) his appearance of presumptuousness and b) the space.

Is he generous to you in other ways that makes bringing him on holiday a thing?

He clearly sees it as "every year we all go on holiday" and would be devastated and hurt to know that you view it as "every year my FIL invites himself on our holiday". I would be inclined to put up with it, to be honest, but insist that as the children are now bigger, you cannot afford an apartment that comfortably accommodates all of you, and you know for a FACT (in incontrovertible FACT) that the currently booked apartment will not accommodate him. Therefore, you will need to book a bigger one, and the difference will be £X. Can you please cover that, FIL? We need to pay it on Tuesday.

girlywhirly · 15/01/2016 09:53

I don't think he has the right to be huffy. He's had a lot of subsidised holidays. In order to afford your holiday you have to shop at Lidl and self cater, and FIL takes you all out for one meal during the two weeks.

One thing that may improve if he stays in separate accommodation could be his memory. He will need to be self reliant in remembering where he left things, and not expect people to look for them for him, and this should be easier in a less busy environment. Or it might highlight how much he relies on others to sort him out.

It must be very hard for the OP to be able to relax if she is constantly worrying that FIL will have an accident and has to keep a close eye on him in addition to the DC.

Pooseyfrumpture · 15/01/2016 09:53

Please have the conversation about insurance with him as well.

MrsRabbitsTwin · 15/01/2016 10:01

Slightly off topic, but please nobody rely only on EHIC. It doesn't cover, for example, an air ambulance should you have an accident and not be able to travel normally, and also won't cover an air lift should you need one. It's essential to get insurance too.