AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

(168 Posts)
Floraclare Sun 18-Jan-15 13:50:49

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment sad. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

catgirl1976 Sun 18-Jan-15 13:54:37

Can't you lie and say there's only room for her for a week? Like your DPs have found her an apartment but it's only (sadly) free for a week?

Dishonest, but.........

LadyLuck10 Sun 18-Jan-15 13:54:47

Yanbu, by I don't know why you can't just tell your DH how you feel. He is your partner and you both should be able to discuss anything. Compromise on the one week.

MinceSpy Sun 18-Jan-15 13:58:05

Talk to your husband and tell him what you've told us. Just remember though he might actually want his mother there and may not relish two weeks with your parents either.

Floraclare Sun 18-Jan-15 14:01:16

Thanks for replies, I have told husband that I would be happier with a week. They are not a family that communicates well, although all very loving and polite to each other. He would be really reluctant to go back to her and say only one week, unless I really push the issue, which makes me feel very mean

Trills Sun 18-Jan-15 14:02:36

YANBU at all not to want an extra person on your holiday for 2 weeks.

Does DH know that you feel like this?

Trills Sun 18-Jan-15 14:03:29

DO you want to come for w eek?

Can I come for 2?

No just 1.

---

That's not "pushing it", it's just not letting people get away with asking for more than has been offered.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 18-Jan-15 14:04:35

Is your MIL expecting to be stay in the same apartment as you for this holiday? If so, I'd engineer it so that the apartment is only big enough for you and DH, and she will have to stay separately somewhere else. Make it clear that you won't be spending every single waking moment with his mother. He can if he wants, but you won't be.

Trills Sun 18-Jan-15 14:05:37

Rather than saying "I would be happier with a week" why not say

"Two weeks would make me feel very stressed and unhappy"?

Make it clear that this is important to you. Don't beat about the bush.

Floraclare Sun 18-Jan-15 14:06:18

Thanks MinceSpy - that is slightly why I was thinking that I was being unreasonable. He's going to be spending 2-weeks with my parents, but I was objecting to spending 2-weeks with his mother.

I might have a skewed view, but my parents are very easy to get along with and he genuinely seems to like them. I always feel very guilty for finding his mother such hard work, even though she is a lovely person

SaucyJack Sun 18-Jan-15 14:07:11

YANBU. She sounds a lot like my MIL actually (maybe we can set them up on a Saga cruise?)

This could prove to be a golden opportunity to get to know her in a more relaxed setting tho. The polite chit chat will have run out by day two or three and you might be able to move on to some more interesting and meatier conversations.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 18-Jan-15 14:09:56

"I have told husband that I would be happier with a week."

That's not assertive enough by a long chalk. You will only be happy with one week. That was all that was offered in the first place and that's all she will be having. End of.

If H wants to spend two whole weeks with him Mummy on holiday perhaps he could take her away somewhere on his own another time.

RandomNPC Sun 18-Jan-15 14:12:09

Why am I picturing Noreen from Benidorm?

simbacatlivesgain Sun 18-Jan-15 14:12:34

Can she stay with your parents rather than with you? We have done similar with MIL who lives abroad.

landoflostcontent Sun 18-Jan-15 14:14:12

Could it be that if she comes for two weeks she can travel with you but if it is one week she would face one journey on her own. I don't have a problem travelling alone but I know a lot of people would. No idea if this is the issue or not so not very helpful.

I am a mother in law but I can see it would take away the pleasure of your family holiday to have someone else there all the time. Would you be sharing an apartment or would she have separate accommodation?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 18-Jan-15 14:15:19

I don't think you sound petty at all and completely get why you don't want her to come for the two weeks.

I agree with other posters who have said you need to be more forthright in how you explain how you feel about this to your husband. What you have said to him could be construed to mean that you would be happier with one week but two weeks would be alright. This is absolutely not how you feel!

Also your mil has been rude in inviting herself for an extra week.

expatinscotland Sun 18-Jan-15 14:15:58

YANBU

WalkJumpClimb34 Sun 18-Jan-15 14:20:53

Would she be in your apartment? Why would she ask to come for two weeks - that is rude!

I think you are a saint for inviting her for even a week. Please please talk properly to your DH to sort this out. Don't tell him you would be happier if she only came for one week, tell him she just has to only come for one week and that that is very very nice of you. Be assertive please. This holiday is very important for your family life and marriage.

It may also set precedents for years to come ............

If your MIL is as polite as you say would she really just invite herself for the extra week? Are you sure your DH hasn't asked her to come for the whole trip?

Floraclare Sun 18-Jan-15 14:30:58

Thanks for all the replies, it is really helpful. She would have her own apartment, but on the same little complex with shared pool. We've been out a few times with my parents and it is very relaxed - we can borrow their car and we so our own thing for a lot of the time. It would be very different with mother-in-law as I would feel obliged to take her out

It's hard to express how someone so lovely can be so annoying smile - but even my mum, who can get conversation out of a stone, finds her hard work.

Thanks again, I'll definitely have a more assertive conversation with my husband and let him know that 2-weeks is a definite no

JassyRadlett Sun 18-Jan-15 14:34:19

I think there is also the issue that you are partly going to see your family who live abroad - so she is also taking away from or at the very least detracting from your time with your family.

We're travelling abroad soon to visit my family. We organised a short family long weekend away for us, my parents, my siblings and their families. My brother's in laws have invited themselves along because they fancied a holiday with their daughter and grandchild.

I'm peeved but can do nothing without making life awkward for my brother and my parents, who gave to maintain the relationship. But I do resent the fact that they don't get (or don't care) that because we are family so rarely due to distance, this family time is really precious.

Thumbwitch Sun 18-Jan-15 14:36:12

Urgh, no YANBU. It's not going to be much of a holiday for you, is it?!
I would imagine if your DH had troubles spending 2 weeks with your parents then he might have mentioned it before now, so I don't honestly see that as a problem.

If your MIL is not self-reliant in any way, then she's just going to be with you the whole time and that will be very heavy going.

I still remember years ago going away with my then BF and another couple, good friends of ours, and after a week wanting to kill them both! They are lovely people but oh it's hard work when you're dealing with another set of relationship issues as well as your own, even if they're incredibly minor.

Floraclare Sun 18-Jan-15 14:36:32

To be fair to MIL, my husband probably asked if she wanted to come with us and didn't stress the 'one week', although he thought he had - for a very loving family, they are the most terrible communicators

Thanks again

wobblebobblehat Sun 18-Jan-15 14:37:23

No is a complete sentence.

One week is a compromise. Two weeks with someone you're not madly keen on is not a holiday IMO.

Thumbwitch Sun 18-Jan-15 14:47:03

How about - if your MIL feels the need to be there for the full 2 weeks, you could go off on your own for one of the weeks? Have an actual holiday while MIL and DH look after the DC?
Or would you not want to do that?

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