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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL inviting himself on holiday with us

122 replies

bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 21:43

FIL is elderly has invited himself this evening on our ski holiday. He has been before on quite a few occassions (again - self invited) as well as summer holidays! I told him last summer that we were going with friends and he could not come - as I felt this was becoming quite a habit.

He is a very nice gentleman but we take our 3 young children and stay in cramped accomodation.

He's too elderly to be any help with the children and it's even more work for me to look after another person and listen to his endless chatting

When he asked this evening and about booking dates - I just mumbled and tried to change subject. I know this is a bit wimpy but I was caught on the hop (I know 'no' is a complete sentence etc.)

DH knows how I feel about another holiday with an additional guest and started putting him off gently. However, FIL just started saying how he only has a couple of years left skiing etc.

AIBU in being strict and saying no and offending him greatly? I think our accomodation is too small to take another person comfortably (although hasn't put him off before). He does generally irritate me slightly and will expect to be catered for by me!

If anyone thinks I'm NBU - any advice on how to gently tell him no?

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 15/01/2016 10:10

You can get insurance. DGM still travels at 95.
We went to Thailand together when she was 86.
Not tried skiing though.

rookiemere · 15/01/2016 10:13

I hadn't thought of the insurance aspect. Yes you and your DH definitely need to check on that one as otherwise it could cost tens of thousands in the case of an accident.

I do think that skiing is different from other holidays. I totally agree that the kibosh should be put on him crashing your other breaks, but there aren't that many groups where an 80 year old man can go skiing, in fact I would suggest there are probably none. Also ski holidays during the day are different from a typical break. I would suggest setting up a rota to accompany him on the blue slopes for a couple of hours each day, but then DH needs to explain to him that you all need to ski with the DCs.

As I said above if you are going for 2 weeks, then him going for 1 and staying in a hotel seems like a reasonable compromise. I wouldn't go for a bigger apartment as all the other annoyances would still be there - I think it's important that you get proper relaxing time - he can still see a lot of you and the idea someone had of your DH joining him for a drink a couple of evenings is also a good one. If it's only half of your holiday it might be easier to be benevolent.

Rachel0Greep · 15/01/2016 10:13

Thanks for messages and advice though! I am going to suggest close by accomodation and we will take him out everyday as we usually do. However, I wont cook every night for him. If Im making a big dinner - of course - he can join us but some nights when everyone is tired - I'll just make ie. beans on toast. My youngest is only 4 - he gets really tired.

I think this is spot-on, OP. As you have said, the children are getting older/ bigger, and it would be more comfortable all around for everyone. Hope it all gets sorted, and that you have a great holiday.

girlywhirly · 15/01/2016 10:16

It wouldn't be unreasonable of you to ask to see the insurance policy and see that FIL is properly covered for skiing. He can use the EHIC but if he needs flying home with a medic, or needs lengthy care at home after an accident, who will do this and will he be able to afford it? If he had an accident that required him to stay in hospital long after you were due to return home, who would have to pay for DH to stay for longer if that was necessary?

I know that I would be extremely angry if FIL hadn't got proper cover, and no available funds to pay for any of the above.

rookiemere · 15/01/2016 10:20

Baronessbomhurst - maybe skiing is a new hobby to suggest to your 95 year old DGM !

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2016 10:25

PhoenixReisling · 15/01/2016 10:27

He can get insurance for ski-ing.

DH and I have just gone skiing with my PIL. FIL skied (he is the same age as the OP's FIL) and was able to get insurance.

juneau · 15/01/2016 10:29

I agree - the insurance is his business. I wouldn't mention it.

Maybe if he's paying for his own accommodation and food he'll decide that can only afford to come for one of your two weeks. That's would be a win-win situation!

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 15/01/2016 11:11

How come you have never anticipated he would come, year after year, and sat down with him prior to booking and said something like "look FIl, we know you like to come skiing with us, but I find it stressful with so many people in such a cramped apartment, so I think it is better if we plan this and book something bigger, and you pay your part of the cost of the accommodation as it is quite pricey. "

Or something to that affect? It may have made him think twice, he may have helped paying, or he may have decided it was too much and declined.

But, having a fit and active granddad should be a resource, not a resentment.

My dad has been unable to help with, or take part in, anything the last 14 years as he had a stroke and has been wheelchair bound since. The only granddad my children knows is a bitter old, and demanding man that we are obliged to spend time with.

So, he is not exactly on level with your children and very hands on, but he can ski, he can travel, he can and wants to converse!

Stormtreader · 15/01/2016 11:46

Am I the only one expecting that if he gets his own accommodation nearby, there will be a knock knock "only me!" at the door at 6pm every evening?

Indantherene · 15/01/2016 12:23

We took my DM away every year after my DF died. It worked really well for the first few years then started to get really irritating.

She insists on coming but then moans that she doesn't want to do what we're doing, doesn't want to eat where we are going, and wants to be in charge until it goes wrong then she's looking at me to sort it out.

We are going to Florida in 3 weeks time and haven't told her because she'll be annoyed / upset we aren't taking her. We took her there 12 years ago and she behaved worse than the children

What she forgets is we get one holiday a year if we're lucky while she gets 3 or 4.

Badders123 · 15/01/2016 12:32

We took my widowed mum with us last year.
Never again.
As pp nothing was right, she seemed miserable the whole time.
We also went with our pils last yet a too and I won't be doing that again either.
I think I've earned my own holidays now I'm 43.

rookiemere · 15/01/2016 13:24

When I went away with my friends last year, we showed each other where we kept our insurance details ,that way if there was an accident everyone knew where to access it.

I don't see how it's unreasonable to ask FIL where he keeps that information as OP and her family are the ones required to sort it out if FIL were to have a fall and better to ask before they go as if they get to the first day on the slopes and FIL says he has none, then what do they do? It doesn't need to be a rude question unlike inviting yourself on holiday every year the DH can simply ask him where he got it from as you haven't purchased yours yet so interested in providers.

OP I do think you need to have a sit down and agree with your DH what is reasonable in respect of your FIL coming on holidays with you in future. I can see that your ideal default position is none, but I can't see that happening so perhaps it would be easier to agree one holiday per year on your terms so the ski holiday can't see why he can't come for just a week though and then you get your summer holiday to yourselves.

I know my DF would love to come away with us. DM isn't a great traveller anymore, but we've tried it and we're fine with a couple of nights in a lodge together, but any more than that just wouldn't work. I think it's fine to know your own limits.

girlywhirly · 15/01/2016 14:09

Exactly rookiemere, even if the FIL just provided them with the name of the insurance company and the policy number it would be enough to get a claim started. And the OP did say that FIL has a tendency to be forgetful.

We have an independent policy due to my health, and I am not offended by the need to provide the details of the provider and policy no, when we book holidays.

mickeysminnie · 15/01/2016 16:01

You already told him in the summer that you were going with friends and he wouldn't be able to tag along. Stick to that!

RainOhJoy · 15/01/2016 22:19

I really don't get the posts of people saying your cruel for not taking him, does sound my idea of hell. Get your DH to suggest 1 week only and hotel, apartment is too small.
You don't have to take him on every holiday!
Agree with the comments about different responses being MIL. You don't want to resent time with him in his last few years, and you want to go on different runs to him.

sleeponeday · 16/01/2016 01:17

I think there's a lot of ageism on this thread, tbh. Just because he's 80 doesn't mean he is a sweet old chap who is a pleasure to be around. He's a person like anyone else - I've known people in their 90s I would love to holiday with, and people in their 30s I would cross the street to avoid. Why the assumption that he's the Werthers Original Grandpa?

If this story was about the OP's BIL people would be indignant to the nth degree on how entitled and cheeky he was. Because he's old (and not a similarly selfish and manipulative MIL, either) people are saying how lovely it will be for the grandchildren. Despite OP saying he has little interest in them, and that it ruins her own trip almost completely. So she and DH pay for a holiday that she finds stressful hard work - why should she just go along with that, or she's the selfish one?

From all she's said, what he likes is an almost free holiday, summer and winter, with maid service, catering and adult companionship laid on. I can see why he's a fan, but his utter lack of concern, or even interest, in whether he is taking the piss is just rude.

juneau · 16/01/2016 08:53

I agree sleeponeday and that was pretty much what I tried to say, but you put it much better!

diddl · 16/01/2016 09:56

Sounds like hard work.

If you didn't have a skiing, would he bother to book one for himself?

It's not about the skiing, is it?

If it worked you might as well specifically have a few days/week somewhere together for him to have a holiday with you.

Withj out the stress of 6 people/one bathroom, all trying to get out to ski in the morning.

TheMaddHugger · 16/01/2016 10:47

Everything that sleeponeday said

and this -From all she's said, what he likes is an almost free holiday, summer and winter, with maid service, catering and adult companionship laid on. I can see why he's a fan, but his utter lack of concern, or even interest, in whether he is taking the piss is just rude. is why

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) OP

rookiemere · 16/01/2016 11:10

I think the ski aspect does make it a bit different though.

Out of interest I need to get a life I googled saga ski holidays and unsurprisingly they don't exist, so there is little opportunity for an octogenarian to hit the slopes.

That's why I suggested compromises - one week, staying in a hotel preferably half board - rather than a straight out no.

Summer holidays are different. There are loads of group options and I'm sure he'd find a trip easily.

Havingitall · 16/01/2016 11:35

OP my Dils moved to Cyprus 10 years ago when DC were infants. Upshot was we spent every summer holiday (and The odd New Year break) with them. After 6 years of never having a family holiday that was not spent at DILs ( we couldn't afford two annual hols and DH insisted his DPs took priority) I began to get irritated. However, looking back I am glad I gave in because DC have fabulous memories of fun-packed crazy summer hols with all the family, and staying with their grandparents meant it was home from home - they also saw their cousins who were expats. Sadly for DILs they wrecked it all three years ago when I was pregnant with DD. I couldn't fly, DILs rejected my idea of us all (including SIL's family) hiring a villa in France so I could get ferry, but instead booked a cruise around Cyprus for everyone else and said "sorry you can't come, but DH and DC welcome". The fact that DH took DC to Cyprus, leaving me behind nearly ended in divorce. I have subsequently said that the next summer holiday will be just the five of us and if DILs want to see DC then they will have to come to us - no more shared summer hols since it has been made clear I am dispensable even if DILs are not!
Having said all that, I know hardened stance will change so soon as one DIL dies - I wouldn't be able to exclude MIL/FIL in those circumstances. Hold on to the positives - great for your DC to spend fun time with FIL and to see him so active at such a great age.

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