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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL inviting himself on holiday with us

122 replies

bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 21:43

FIL is elderly has invited himself this evening on our ski holiday. He has been before on quite a few occassions (again - self invited) as well as summer holidays! I told him last summer that we were going with friends and he could not come - as I felt this was becoming quite a habit.

He is a very nice gentleman but we take our 3 young children and stay in cramped accomodation.

He's too elderly to be any help with the children and it's even more work for me to look after another person and listen to his endless chatting

When he asked this evening and about booking dates - I just mumbled and tried to change subject. I know this is a bit wimpy but I was caught on the hop (I know 'no' is a complete sentence etc.)

DH knows how I feel about another holiday with an additional guest and started putting him off gently. However, FIL just started saying how he only has a couple of years left skiing etc.

AIBU in being strict and saying no and offending him greatly? I think our accomodation is too small to take another person comfortably (although hasn't put him off before). He does generally irritate me slightly and will expect to be catered for by me!

If anyone thinks I'm NBU - any advice on how to gently tell him no?

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:27

adish he did say that if he couldn't stay with us - he'd book alternative accomodation. However, it was said in a huffy upset way!

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 23:32

Tell him that would be lovely, yes please, as now the kids are growing up there just isn't space any more.

Involving him is great. Destroying your own holiday not great. It sounds the perfect compromise.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:39

OK. I think I'll do that. I'm seeing him tomorrow. I will tell him the dates we are going and he is welcome to come but could he book close by as the flat is just too small for all of us now the children are bigger.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 23:45

I'd also say that you find all three of them at this age really tiring when you manage the bedtime routine, so you can't cater. Or you will be expected to provide meals every night and he won't leave until you're all ready for bed. Suggest you cook two or three nice meals he comes over for and you make a thing of, but otherwise you need down time. Be honest that you need some time to yourself - he is making his own needs very plain, without regard for yours whatsoever, so be blunt and say you have three kids making noise and needing stuff all day, and after that you need time alone with a book and not to entertain anyone. You're sure he understands.

The thing is, it's in his interests to be that honest, or you won't want him around. Set boundaries and it could all work well, in future. He could meet other people at the hotel if he chooses well.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2016 23:45

I also think it's lovely he must want to come because he enjoys it.

whois · 14/01/2016 23:46

Sounds like it's more the problem that there isn't enough cash to get accommodation suitable for everyone.

Hands on heart - how manag people would like their dad or FIL bunking into a TINY ski apartment (known for their shoebox size) after you had booked it knowing it was already tight?

I'd be ok as long as the accommodation was different ie all in a chalet and so separate rooms and I wasn't doing any cooking. In an apartment? Nope.

sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 23:48

I'm still coming back to how people would react if this was a post about a MIL continually inviting herself on holiday with the OP.

Good family relationships are great, but it's a two-way thing. I'm not seeing the FIL contribute much at all in terms of effort or financial help, so as to make these trips a success.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 14/01/2016 23:49

I have to admit this is upsetting me a bit.

Could you book a slightly bigger flat to accommodate him.
I assume he pays his way?

Sorry if I've missed something, I haven't RTWT

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/01/2016 23:49

"adish he did say that if he couldn't stay with us - he'd book alternative accommodation. However, it was said in a huffy upset way!"

Raise the subject again ... get him on board ... ask him really sweetly if he meant that? Tell him 'thank you' for having such a brilliant idea, that you'd been really worried about him not being given any space, now the children are bigger, but that if he had bed and breakfast in a hotel room, not only would he be more comfortable, but you could all sort of 'overspill' into his hotel for socialising!
Then make sure the whole family is involved in his choice of hotel, and do 'overspill' into it sometimes. Let him book you all a meal.

I think the alternative of telling him he can't come is just not going to be possible for you. You don't really sound at all comfortable with that.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:55

Thanks whois

Yes - ski apartments are very tiny! It's all a bit too claustrophobic.

I'm definitely going to suggest he get somewhere close by.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:57

bewitched - no he doesn't pay his way. The flat is already paid for by me. He is just booking flights out to join.

OP posts:
NoTimeLikeSnowTime · 15/01/2016 00:02

What if you suggested that he and your DH spent a weekend skiing later in the season? Then he gets some time with his son and skiing, but it doesn't impact on your family holiday?
and if it's obvious it's being booked separately for his benefit he can put his hand in his pocket a bit

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 00:04

He does generally buy us a meal out when we are there. I don't generally enjoy it as he wants to eat out late so it ends up being me and dh juggling 3 overtired children in an expensive restaurant. I'd rather get them fed by 6 and then chill. The children get exhausted out in the snow all day. However, by the time everyone get bathed/showered and getting out - it's more like 8pm....

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 00:04

See - I'm moaning now.....

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 00:08

notimelikesnowtime we are going at the end of the season already.

Also - ski holidays are not cheap so am not keen to book another. We are already going for 2 weeks already!

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Only1scoop · 15/01/2016 00:12

Too be honest yes you do sound a bit Moany about it. Sounds like your Dh wants to invite him. He's offered to book separate accom and pp put really nice way of handling it.

I'd have loved a grandad so full of enthusiasm to holiday with.

Can't help you with the DC
Don't like him arranging restaurant

Maybe you will feel differently this time if not in confined space with him.

whois · 15/01/2016 00:17

Agree with PP that this thread would have gone very differently if it was a MiL wanting to come!

I love my parents. I even enjoy going on holiday with them. For one week max. Somewhere nice and spacious! However I don't enjoy it enough to sub them.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 15/01/2016 00:18

Ugh, OK, I'm getting the picture now.

My father saw it as a treat to take us all to a smart restaurant for lunch when we were on holiday together.

When the kids were maybe 2 and 4.

In France, so leisurely 5 or more courses, over 2-3 hours.

He got very stroppy when kids weren't impressed!

I think you need to spell out to him what you are prepared to accomodate and what you want from him.

sleeponeday · 15/01/2016 00:26

He does generally buy us a meal out when we are there. I don't generally enjoy it as he wants to eat out late so it ends up being me and dh juggling 3 overtired children in an expensive restaurant. I'd rather get them fed by 6 and then chill. The children get exhausted out in the snow all day. However, by the time everyone get bathed/showered and getting out - it's more like 8pm....

Then tell him that. Honestly, OP, he isn't worrying about your needs or feelings, is he? Just paying flights and a single meal that suits him, not you. Be blunt about things - polite, but clear - that you find those meals stressful with the kids, and need to eat at 6 for their sakes. Tell DH to go and have dinner with his father, maybe, if your three are all old enough for a DVD and simple supper? That way you get some down time too, and it won't kill them for a single night on holiday, will it.

He has no right to expect his son and daughter-in-law to lay on expensive ski trips for him every year.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 00:42

only1scoop he hasn't really offered to book close by accomodation - he said it in a huffy way. However, the more I think about it - it's an excellent idea!

Maybe I am being moany, thats why Im on here! I'm about to be going on a holiday with FIL for 2 weeks in a tiny apartment. I've stayed in bigger caravans.

He isn't that hands on with children! I don't think they view him as being an enthusiastic grandfather!

I'm usually a happy mellow person. Im just feeling a bit stressed that I'm going to have to juggle 3 young children on the slopes plus an elderly gentleman that will want entertaining who won't give me any peace I do however, feel guilty as he is probably lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 15/01/2016 00:50

Thanks for messages and advice though! I am going to suggest close by accomodation and we will take him out everyday as we usually do. However, I wont cook every night for him. If Im making a big dinner - of course - he can join us but some nights when everyone is tired - I'll just make ie. beans on toast. My youngest is only 4 - he gets really tired.

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TendonQueen · 15/01/2016 01:10

The separate accommodation is a good plan. I'd get your DH to do all the talking to him about it, and also it would be nice if he went round there to have a drink with FIL some nights when the kids are in bed, leaving you quiet book time Smile. Also instead of the stressful meal out with everyone, he could do that one night with your DH and babysit another (once kids in bed again) so you and DH could go out.

iPaid · 15/01/2016 07:26

OP - you are not being unreasonable at all. It's all very well people going on about how wonderful it is that he can ski at 80 but it's impacting negatively on you. His wanting to go skiing shouldn't be more important than you wanting to relax and enjoy time with your young children.

I would actually tell him no and get your DH to help him make other plans.

iPaid · 15/01/2016 07:29

And don't feel guilty. He's had decades of skiing and there's no reason he can't continue but not if he's spoiling your family's holiday.

rookiemere · 15/01/2016 07:31

Did you say you were going for a fortnight?
If so invite him for a week,staying in a hotel.
Explain that looking after 3 skiing is hard work and you both need one week just to do that.

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