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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL inviting himself on holiday with us

122 replies

bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 21:43

FIL is elderly has invited himself this evening on our ski holiday. He has been before on quite a few occassions (again - self invited) as well as summer holidays! I told him last summer that we were going with friends and he could not come - as I felt this was becoming quite a habit.

He is a very nice gentleman but we take our 3 young children and stay in cramped accomodation.

He's too elderly to be any help with the children and it's even more work for me to look after another person and listen to his endless chatting

When he asked this evening and about booking dates - I just mumbled and tried to change subject. I know this is a bit wimpy but I was caught on the hop (I know 'no' is a complete sentence etc.)

DH knows how I feel about another holiday with an additional guest and started putting him off gently. However, FIL just started saying how he only has a couple of years left skiing etc.

AIBU in being strict and saying no and offending him greatly? I think our accomodation is too small to take another person comfortably (although hasn't put him off before). He does generally irritate me slightly and will expect to be catered for by me!

If anyone thinks I'm NBU - any advice on how to gently tell him no?

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 22:21

New year - we can't afford to eat out! The holiday is expensive so paying every evening for 5 people costs 100+ euros per night. I do a lidl shop beforehand to bring with us.....

OP posts:
exLtEveDallas · 14/01/2016 22:23

How TF does he get insurance? My poor old mum and dad had to stop their (very safe and staid) Spanish holidays the second my dad hit 80 because the insurance cost more than the trip.

No, YANBU. I'd be bloody terrified to have him there.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 22:24

Peppie - I think he's a bit too forgetful and not fast enough for my 4 year old! He doesn't ski much - just a couple of slow runs.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 22:25

I don't know about the insurance - he does though. I know he definitely has it as it was used last year.....!

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 14/01/2016 22:27

Family holiday time is so precious. I'm afraid I'd just say that it's a family holiday and there won't be space for him this time

So parents are no longer family now Hmm

SquinkiesRule · 14/01/2016 22:29

Hell he's 80 and can still ski even if it is the slow runs, I'm impressed.
At 80 I doubt there will be many if any more ski holidays left in him. I'd let him come only if he can either a. Stay in his own hotel room, or b. pay towards a bigger cabin or whatever the place you are staying at.
First I'd make him check the insurance prices, that may be the deal breaker.

Curioushorse · 14/01/2016 22:30

Gosh, he's 80? I'm afraid I'd suck it up and take him. He's not going to be going skiing with you many more times! I'm with some of the other posters... he's not going to be around for much longer.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2016 22:30

I'm so impressed at an 80 year old still able to ski that I say let him come!

Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. Make your DH do all the work for him though.

Whataboutnodetox · 14/01/2016 22:33

You probably only have a couple more years of this and as your children are young have a great number of holidays to come. I think I'd do it for that reason, it really maybe his last chance to ski. I feel your pain and I'd find it very annoying but the guilt would eat me. It's not fair if him to do this but I expect he gets few chances to get away if not with family to assist him.

sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 22:35

I think you suggest DH and he have a boy's skiing long weekend together, where they split costs, and then you have a family one? As has been said, the kids will be young a very short time, and he could be around another 15 years or so, if he's still active enough to be skiing at 80.

It's your holiday too. It is not your job to wait on your FIL every single holiday you have.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 14/01/2016 22:36

Tell him he can come if he help pay towards a bigger cabin, and take you all out for some meals so you dont have to cook for so many people.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 22:37

I know he won't be having many ski hols left. I thought that in his mid 70's.... Hence the annual trips....

He'll be still skiing in his blinking 90's.

OP posts:
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 14/01/2016 22:40

Yeah, like my "FIL" . He is so old and unfit he can barely walk, he is 89, and still goes on skiing holidays, and actually skis.

I think it is because he just stands, there is no walking involved, so lift up, stand down... No sweat....

holeinmyheart · 14/01/2016 22:41

Hang on knobbly knees your remarks are a bit ageist. We have over 80 year olds in our Lakeland walking group that would help YOU up Skiddaw !

The issue is the FIL being another body to feed and entertain, not his age.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2016 22:43

Why is he expecting waited on? My dad will be 80 this year and does not expect to be waited on or entertained.

sleeponeday · 14/01/2016 22:47

Family friend went on a walking holiday to Petra in her 90s.

A man fit enough to go skiing at 80 is highly likely to live into his 90s. There are actuarial tables that indicate as much, in fact. The longer you live a healthy and active life, the likelier you are to make extreme old age - the average life expectancy is just that, and includes people who die young or in childhood, as well as heavy smokers etc dying in their 50s and 60s. Do people really expect the OP to share all family holidays with her husband's father, including providing domestic service?

Would love to see the responses if a MIL was doing this. Grin

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 14/01/2016 23:00

I agree sleeponeday. I work in geriatric services and the people we see in their 90s who are living independently are amazing - they are often fit, remarkably active, hardly ever see the doctor, take hardly any meds and look and act 20 years younger - if he's skiing at 80, then he may well carry on for many more years!

I am not negative about grandparents coming on holiday, we had several lovely family holidays that my father came on with us. The difference is, he was invited, we planned accommodation that allowed more space and privacy, and although he wasn't one to pitch in and help cook, he did help out with the kids and generally mucked in with what we had planned and wasn't fussy about food, meal times etc.

yankeecandle4 · 14/01/2016 23:03

Take him and get him to pay for an upgrade. Get your DH to tell him that as money is really tight and you want a holiday that he will need to pay for a family meal out.

Suck it up OP. He is not immortal and you will look back fondly at these times. It would also be helpful if you could do a live web cam thread as I too am amazed at an 80 year old skiing.

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:05

I don't think he expects to be waited on. However, if I do a packed lunch - I'm not going to leave him out. Similarly - with evening meals.

If I'm doing some washing - he'll ask if he can put things in with my wash.

That's all OK. I think really it's the demands of another person in our family dynamics. He's very chatty about stuff that interests him and will want to converse with you. Whereas, I like to have quiet downtime in the evening after a busy day. I do worry about him having another accident. Also - getting 3 young children and yourself plus all the paraphernalia for skiing out in the morning is quite difficult. FIL tends to lose things and take his time (understandably so) so it adds to the craziness of the mornings.

DH and I get on brilliantly - he really a lovely kind person who puts me first. He will support me if I say that I don't want FIL to come on holiday.

I was just thinking was I BU to say that I didn't want him to come.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 14/01/2016 23:09

Oh, I know this is tough on you, bellybuttonfairy and, I promise, I am sorry that it's adversely effecting your holiday ... but your 80 year old Fil likes to go skiing every year??? Grin That is brilliant!!!! I want to be in your family!

On a more practical level, is your Fil in a position to make a financial contribution of a level that would allow you to book bigger self-catering accommodation?
Or is there a nice guest house or hotel close by your accommodation, where your Fil could book a comfortable serviced room, with breakfast, joining you all for most (but not necessarily all) of the other meals?

Original poster
bellybuttonfairy · 14/01/2016 23:10

Apartment is booked and cannot be changed/upgraded. It's one we use every year as it's such a good deal. It is small and has 3 small bedrooms. Two children can sleep together and he will have to share with the other child.

There's one bathroom and one sofa.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 14/01/2016 23:16

"DH and I get on brilliantly - he really a lovely kind person who puts me first."

It sounds like you are both lovely kind people.

"I was just thinking was I BU to say that I didn't want him to come."

No, not really, but I get the feeling that, if you do, you will feel so bad about it, that it'll spoil your holiday anyway. Smile

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/01/2016 23:21

"Apartment is booked and cannot be changed/upgraded."

Shame. Is there a nice hotel or guest house conveniently nearby, then?

It sounds as if he may well enjoy the company of other guests, between times of being with the family.

You could suggest it from the point of view that he really needs the extra space, comfort, en suite, etc.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 14/01/2016 23:26

I don't know if unreasonable or not is the right criteria.

We spend so much time trying to pursuade FIL to come for lunch, come to grand-daughters wedding, come to watch g'son perform at school or play instrument at a festival. Or play a sport.

Not just us, all his children.

He won't. He could, but he won't.

TBH your FIL sounds great. If he wants to chat when you want to be quiet there are nice ways you can convey that.
Just spell out what you expect from him.

I really think if you don't accommodate him you may regret it when he's no longer here.

Eastpoint · 14/01/2016 23:27

Are you sure he can't stay in a hotel nearby? My father has gone skiing with us lots of times & although he has sometimes stayed in the same place as us other times he has booked a single room in a pension. He can get up when he wants, stay up later at night, have a drink at a bar on his way home etc.

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