To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

[goodnightdarthvader1]

It's pretty well documented that parents with different approaches don't get on so well. There's a great parody video about various different parenting groups snapping at one another... Until a baby's pram starts rolling away down a hill with baby inside. All parents immediately start chasing it to save the baby - nicely demonstrates how really we all just have our children's best interests at heart. The goal for everyone, regardless of their approach, is the same.

Nice message that a lot of people forget.

[Goldenbear]

In what way am I being 'goads' and what point am I missing?

You seem a strong advocate of the walking away from tantruming toddler school, is it because it's touched a nerve and it's what you do so it makes you feel better to justify it?

[Lucy61]

I agree, golden. This is a child who's dad is seriously unwell, mum has pnd and is stressed, he possibly has difficulties with speech and language and is clearly often upset and angry. Op didn't say the odd tantrum, but up to 8 a day! those of us who think that this problem needs a different approach and that his emotional needs should be met might get a flaming and be described as 'gentle' as if that's a bad thing, but it's obvious he is not coping.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

No nerve. You're getting on my tits though.

The point is that it would be nice to give the OP support, instead of aggressively berating her because you believe her method is wrong. She's had other suggestions, delivered in a less judgemental fashion, and she may choose to use them. Or she may not. Either way, her child is not being abused, and she's muddling through parenting the same way every other mum is.

So quit acting like a dick, is the gist of my argument. You're reminding me of myself, which is making me uncomfortable.

[OliviaMumsnet]

@goodnightdarthvader1

parents immediately start chasing it to save the baby - nicely demonstrates how really we all just have our children's best interests at heart. The goal for everyone, regardless of their approach, is the same.

Nice message that a lot of people forget.

This. Just this.
Peace and Love all
Please.

[Naughty1205]

What Pipistrella says x100. You don't laugh at your child having a tantrum and walk off! Just overcome your embarrassment and parent your child. They are trying to communicate a need with you and don't have the words to express their emotions!

[Goldenbear]

Can you tell me where I said she was 'abusing' her child?

I said in a recent post that the general public 'do' judge and they 'can' be wrong - how is that berating? I don't agree with her actions but you can still have sympathy for someone's circumstances. Why does it have to be so black and white? Children's development is IME not always as straight forward as the text books make out. Your 'experience' of your toddler or when your child was a toddler sounds like a very enviable one in that they just did what you asked them to?

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Anyhoo, I agree with those who suggest having his hearing checked. My HV dismissed my concerns about DS1 with: does he make himself understood? Can he understand you? Well, yes, but that's because I practically had a psychic link with him from concentrating so hard on what he was saying, and of course he'd use body language to show me he was hungry, for example; plus I spent most of the time shouting like a fishwife whe we were out and about. Mortifying.
when he started reception his lovely teacher asked me if I'd ever wondered about his speech and I told her my concerns sbout his hearing, which started the ball rolling. Turns out he had glue ear and a 20 0/0 hearing loss.
Wish I'd just gone straight to the gp after his two year check and ignored the complacent box-ticker.

[Mmmmcake123]

OP I've been reading this thread and I have to say it contains the worst of posts, not all, but I really feel for you reading it.

So, IMO it's not a bad technique to leave your child within 3 trolleys distance while they get the anger out of their system. As an adult, if I was seriously annoyed and someone was gently soothing me I would want to tell them to ........
Giving time for a tantrum to pass is actually quite kind IMO and for those who have said you smirked, I presume he didn't even notice.
Walking away can re-trigger a child away from negative and frustrating thoughts. All of a sudden they think where's mummy and their attention shifts to focusing on how to get back mummy's attention. I personally don't think this is bad.
Clearly the tantrums are due to being unable to verbally express himself. At the supermarket after crisps he possibly thought, 'bored now' but can't express this so can't understand it will only be another 5 mins etc.
A lot of pps on here don't seem to understand that.

[gandalf456]

Op you are getting a hard time here. I had two tantrumers -often in public too. I didn't always handle it well but when you have them back to back round town, you don't do you. I looked younger too which did not help my cause. Sad to say, I don't now. And I think that sometimes becoming a parent is like being public property. I hate that aspect of it. How you deal with a tantrum is YOUR business even if you spectacularly fail unless your child is immediately facing death. Then they can intervene with my full permission. Of course children appear very distressed during a tantrum. That is the point. But normally it's something really banal (the wrong cereal in the trolley)and nothing for the public qt large to concern themselves with

[Mmmmcake123]

OP you have a lot to deal with atm. I think the thread has gone along the lines of you needing to make sure your lo is happy as a priority. I would never disagree with this but the examples given have made me cringe and I would imagine are very difficult to read.
You sound like you are just behaving in a reasonable and acceptable way but other people with nothing better to do are interfering when you really don't need it.
I wanted to say that it's very important for mum to be happy for child to be happy. I believe this but still think yanbu at people interfering xx

[BeeMyBaby]

Although I've never walked away in a shop I can completely relate. When DD2 was about the same age she was exactly the same with the tantrums and hitting and once after DD1 and I had tried to calm her down in the empty park, I just went to sit on the bench near by (think 2-3m away) and tried to wait the tantrum out, absentmindedly looking at my phone whilst I waited for her to calm. At that point a woman walking past the park suddenly entered the park,walked over to my DD2 and picked her up and when I objected she had a short rant at me about my 'poor' tantrumming dd2. I was so . I still think it's best to not give attention to tantrums (yes try reasoning at the start but it gets to a point that the best thing you can do it just quietly wait for them to calm down).

[Mmmmcake123]

Couldn't agree more bmb

[Aeroflotgirl]

Being a parent is hard enough, without people throwing their 10 penth worth at her! She sounds very stressed, walking the other direction whilst dd/ds had a tantrum made mind get up and go in my direction pretty quickly.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Just to give you a bit of hope op, my ds1 was a tantrumming nightmare, drove be soft, I wouldn't leave the house with him without my dh to take him off if he started (I still haven't recovered!) He didn't talk, we had the hearing tests, did speech therapy, took him to nurseries, I learned bloody sign language... he didn't speak in any useful way until he was 4! Totally fine now, nothing wrong at all - all those years of panic for nothing. Great reader and will talk you in circles if you let him. Most of his tantrums were being frustrated and normal horrible toddlerness!

My DD's both talked early, and DS2 has followed the same pattern as his brother, though I am less concerned this time!

[woollytights]

I know you don't want to see negative comments but what you're doing obviously isn't working. Your baby is so young, crying intensely and you walk away from him laughing and smirking. That won't generate sympathy from anybody and certainly is unlikely to give any comfort to a distressed baby. Many tantrums/crying episodes can be stopped as soon as you see the first signs - by distraction. Nobody wants to be laughed at when they're upset, it's so antagonising, and clearly not helping you cope either as you're still unhappy and it's just creating new things to worry about like people interfering.

I used to take a few items out and about like a favourite small toy, drink, game in my phone etc specifically for these "emergencies". More often than not it works in my experience.

[mommy2ash]

If you were far enough and for long enough away from him that four people intervened of say you need to try a different tactic

[honkinghaddock]

I think people are intervening because he is very young. Gentle soothing doesn't work with some children but I think at that age you have got to stand very close by or pick him up and carry him off (even if it involves him hitting you etc).

[Pipistrella]

God people keep saying they agree with me and then being really harsh I must have come aacross awfully badly in that case.

I'm so sorry OP.

Fwiw the whole reason it bothers you when people intervene, is because you love your little boy and you feel totally shamed by it - it's like they are telling you they don't think you care.

And you clearly do care about him very much. If you didn't, you wouldn't mind them stepping in and trying to do your job for you.

hope you aren't feeling so attacked this morning

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Really hope OP took my advice and hid this thread, although some responses have been nicer since.

[gandalf456]

Distraction never worked for us. In fact, nothing did once they had started. All the usual tactics tried and tested. It was as if they were determined to have a tantrum and that was that so I just had to ride them out and put up with the looks.

I did get canny about when I shopped. First thing in the morning after breakfast was the best time. Never lunchtime (hunger set them off) and never afternoon (too tired). I still try not to take ds after school and he is seven. I know he will not be on his best behaviour. Dd (11) is always ok.

A lot of these replies are very child centred. I think one important thing I did when ds was young but old enough to understand is say 'this is a shop. We don't scream in shops.' Most tantrums aren't distress but more frustration. Fro. His poi nt of view it may be understandable but her ds needs to learn and she needs to shop. It's not all about her ds and his perceptions . We have to be adult centered at times - especially as it's making her so stressed. Everyone is feeling sorry for her ds. He will forget. Mine did and they laugh about the things they had hissy fits about now.

When I see a stressed out mum, I give a knowing smile and nod to let them know I have been there. It's the only intervention I will offer. I work in a supermarket and I see many and nothing fazes me anymore .

[Sunnybitch]

I maybe wrong but I thought the op said that she 'smirked' and walked away? She didn't leave him or laugh at him, she was right there jus nto next to hI'm. All children are different and all parents parent in a different way, what's works for one doesn't work for all. These people probably intervened because they thought they knew better than the op which was obviously not the case.
The way some of these posts come across makes it seem that the op laughed hystericaly and walked out of the shop and left him there ffs.
Op don't let people make you feel bad, your doing great and are not a shit mum at all!