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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be excited and happy about DH's surprise?

150 replies

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 12/01/2016 22:28

I think I might be being quite unreasonable and a bit ungrateful about this, so please give me your opinions. Our relatively new, very quiet au pair has a birthday this weekend. DH told me today he has booked a meal for two at a posh restaurant for lunch, and I am taking her. I am an introvert, I enjoy time with close friends and am fine with people who like to talk - our au pair is lovely but also an introvert, and quite self contained. I am rather daunted by the prospect of spending several hours making conversation with her one to one, without even the DCs to focus attention on. DH is now pissed off that I'm not more appreciative of the nice surprise he planned. AIBU? If so, any tips on how to relax and make it a nice experience for lovely au pair?

OP posts:

Krampus · 13/01/2016 09:26

Going off on a tangent.

Please tell me about him occasionally booking you four hours to speak to a teenage European? I could have misread that and it refers to the meal booked, if not I am intrigued

I do think that you need to be more assertive in the future. "I know you meant well and appreciate the thought but ....", "please don't book social arangements on my behalf without asking".

TheVeryThing · 13/01/2016 09:33

But you have communicated your feelings to him and he is not taking them on board, so how can this just be down to poor communication?

It's a very odd thing to do. It's not your birthday so why did it need to be a surprise for you?

I can kind of understand his thought process as you have outlined, but what's missing is the part where he tells you about his idea and asks what you think.

Please don't accept the blame for not wanting to do this, being an introvert has little to do with it.

PatriciaHolm · 13/01/2016 09:33

I can't imagine either of you enjoying this at all. Cancel and go somewhere you can all go! Finding a restaurant you can all go to can't be that hard if you are in north London. This plan sounds like a waste of both time and money.

TheTigerIsOut · 13/01/2016 09:34

Agree, I think that a posh dinner with my boss woukd be far (like years away far) from the ideal present when I was at an aupair age.

Not quite sure about the vouchers, but I think I, as an introvert, woukd much prefer a lunch with the whole family and a nice little gift that showed the family cared for me andhat I could keep as a keepsake.

DoreenLethal · 13/01/2016 09:35

Give her vouchers.
Go to the restaurant with your husband.

Tell him not to be so silly in future and to think things through a little.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2016 09:38

I agree with others that your DH was presumptious. We have a rule that neither of us commits the other to something without checking with them first.

I would either cancel or give her the option to take a friend instead. Have a word with the your DH and make it clear that he doesn't get to organise your life. A surprise gift is supposed to make the recipient feel good not the giver. He has done something "nice" because it made him feel good without checking or considering how you might feel.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/01/2016 09:49

Erm . Assuming this is simply a restaurant reservation and cold hard cash has not been handed over then I would cancel and find a family friendly venue or make a special effort to cook at home, take the kids somewhere afterwards so she can have the PM off and go home and get ready to go out.

If your DH has history for unwelcome surprises then it's a useful opportunity to put your foot down on this one.

starsinyourpies · 13/01/2016 09:49

Why don't you suggest to him that since he's surely booked one of his favourite restaurants, he go out for lunch with the au pair instead? If he thinks this is inappropriate perhaps he'll get the point!

OnlyLovers · 13/01/2016 09:59

Sorry, haven't read the whole thing but it's hugely presumptuous of him to decide that it should be you who goes to dinner with her. Surely you both employ her? It reeks of sexism and wifework, TBH; 'I've no need to spend time with the au pair but it'd be nice for the wife to.'

I think a daytime outing with the whole family sounds like a much better use of money and time.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 10:01

Surely for her birthday, you'd give her some time off as opposed to paying for her to spend her birthday with her boss?!

lottiegarbanzo · 13/01/2016 10:06

In your position I would cancel the posh restaurant myself, then book a table for the family at Pizza Express, Jamie's, or go to Wagammama (can't book) or similar. She's actually said she'd like that and if your DCs would too then it's a win all round - especially if your DH was thinking of 'family meal' to start with and just got sidetracked by food preference.

I was vegan for a long time and Wagammama is great, pizza pasta is usually really good - there will usually be a suitable pasta dish, pizza without cheese is nice (I think - maybe check what she'd prefer). I've even had a really varied vegan meal at Yo Sushi.

Then vouchers and the rest of the day off. Lovely.

You can even flatter your DH that lunch was a lovely idea, as was being thoughtful about her veganism and, isn't it just perfect that her preference of a low key family meal can in fact be accommodated - after you sought a bit of extra advice on vegan options at family restaurants.

(I do agree that fear of impending strop is not good and recognise I'm helping you float over eggshells there but that's another topic really).

The80sweregreat · 13/01/2016 10:07

you could ask her if she would rather take a friend instead? Could get you both out of doing something you clearly don't want to do.
Your Dh sounds a bit like mine, doesn't really think things through first or ask about to get someone else's opinion if its a good idea, or not.
He meant well, but if it was me as your employee It would just feel wrong.

Floggingmolly · 13/01/2016 10:28

Why are you committed to the lunch now? Cancel it, fgs! It's a ridiculous idea. And it doesn't really matter if it came from a good place, he should have mentioned it to you first.
I'd be bloody annoyed that he didn't.

RamblingRedRose · 13/01/2016 10:35

I really wouldn't want to go out for a big lunch if I was planning a big night out for my birthday. I'd feel obliged to eat and drink a lot and that would ruin my plans for later.

I'd just give her 50 quid cash (or whatever you can afford) and tell her to have a fab time with her friends.

A cake at home during the day sounds nice too. The kids can sing her Happy Birthday.

A big boozy lunch with my boss, umm, no thank you!

Mumoftwo79 · 13/01/2016 10:45

My husband is similar. Has lots of ideas when he's in the mood, and, though he doesn't often book things without consulting me, he does tend to bulldoze me into things, with the implication "How can you NOT think this is a good idea?" And "It's just because you've never tried it before!" (I'm quite introverted too, but I do like trying new things, as it happens, it's just the things he suggests aren't always practical/enjoyable for me or the children.) And "Here am I trying to do something nice for you/ the family, and you don't want it! I don't know why I bother!" And then a sulk or row followed by a sulk. Understandable, but I just need more time to consider things than he does! I also get the walking on eggshells feeling quite a lot.
(I thought he was improving, but I started a thread on a really expensive holiday we booked recently in a situation like this! There were about 24 hours from his first mentioning the idea to the actual booking, and then I started to worry and he got cross etc.)
I would go on a family lunch, as others have suggested.

Jux · 13/01/2016 11:59

If she doesn't have anyone she wants to go with her, then just cancel it.

CFSsucks · 13/01/2016 12:10

I also think it's a ridiculous idea (and my idea of hell too to have to make small talk with someone I don't really know).

Your DH is being an arse for stropping and sulking. You are an adult and you are perfectly entitled to decide if you don't like making small talk with a virtual stranger for hours. What a stupid birthday present for someone.

Mumoftwo79 · 13/01/2016 12:27

I'd second lottiegarbanzo in every detail!

Secondtimeround75 · 13/01/2016 13:49

Aside from the Dh ishoo

I think you should book a family friendly lunch & give her some money( not vouchers) in a card as a gift.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/01/2016 13:56

Definitely get your DH to cancel the reservation and maker her a cake/get her some flowers/buy her a present instead.

And if your DH acts like an idiot over it - well then you know you've got something to deal with.

NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 14:11

YANBU at all. It was a weird idea and your DH should have run it past you before booking - why didn't he? He clearly didn't consider what the au pair would like for her birthday.

"She said it would be nice to do something together (I.e. whole family) in the daytime."

So why don't you have a birthday lunch at home as a family? You could bake her a vegan cake, which would be a lovely thoughtful gesture, and get the kids to help you choose a present for her.

DH might be really set on the meal out idea, but as an introvert, would she prefer a meal out to a family lunch at home? If it really has to be a meal out it should be with the whole family and somewhere relaxed, not fancy.

I also think it's a bad sign that your DH made a decision for you, and was critical of you:
"he said I was freaked out by having to make conversation one to one for several hours. In a sort of critical way, like that's a fault."
And that he is upset with you to the extent that you worry he will sulk or argue:
"I'm probably weighing up the balance between going through with it and enduring DH sulking or a row about me spoiling a nice surprise for au pair/ me."

If this is a one-off, fine, but if he regularly makes decisions for you, criticises you and/or sulks, I would think carefully about that. Talk to him and challenge it.

NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 14:14

Mumoftwo79

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 13/01/2016 16:16

What I find really odd about this, is him framing it as a treat for you.

And I agree with those above that you are in no way committed to this. Just cancel the reservation and do something different.

JessieMcJessie · 13/01/2016 16:26

Haven't read the whole thread other than OP's posts but having been a 19 year-old au pair I would have hated a one on one lunch with my employer on my birthday! (and I liked her perfectly well).

You seem concerned about making it nice for the au pair but I think that the best way to make it nice for her is not to do it at all! And that stands even if she has already been told about it. She'll be really relieved.

As other said, plenty of places with vegan options for a family meal, or vegan cake would be a lovely gesture.

Please, please don't be bulldozers into this!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/01/2016 16:42

Why is this such a dilemma? Cancel the reservation. Give her what she actually requested a casual family meal somewhere. Or give her vouchers or a half day off.

Please don't inflict this daft lunch on the poor girl because you and DH have communication ishoos.

The local au pair community will be guffawing with laughter and talking about you for YEARS if you go ahead with it. And it is you that will look the tit not your DH.

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