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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be excited and happy about DH's surprise?

150 replies

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 12/01/2016 22:28

I think I might be being quite unreasonable and a bit ungrateful about this, so please give me your opinions. Our relatively new, very quiet au pair has a birthday this weekend. DH told me today he has booked a meal for two at a posh restaurant for lunch, and I am taking her. I am an introvert, I enjoy time with close friends and am fine with people who like to talk - our au pair is lovely but also an introvert, and quite self contained. I am rather daunted by the prospect of spending several hours making conversation with her one to one, without even the DCs to focus attention on. DH is now pissed off that I'm not more appreciative of the nice surprise he planned. AIBU? If so, any tips on how to relax and make it a nice experience for lovely au pair?

OP posts:

Figwin · 12/01/2016 23:40

Try the ones in this article:
www.vegansociety.com/whats-new/blog/vegan-options-britains-top-restaurant-chains

JustABigBearAlan · 12/01/2016 23:40

I must be really out of touch because I'm amazed at some of the responses on here. I was an au pair years ago and had my 21st birthday about a week after I'd arrived. I know nobody, was fairly shy and quiet and so my birthday went entirely unacknowledged. It was miserable.

I'd have been so touched if my host family had gone to the trouble you and your dh are going to. OK, I get it's a little awkward, but then being an au pair is a bit tricky really. You're supposed to be treated as part of the family, but of course you're not family.

A few hours off work and a nice lunch, and above all the thought and good intentions behind it, sound lovely.

lorelei9 · 12/01/2016 23:40

OP, are you in London by any chance? One of my best friends is vegan and she was really pleased with this place (vegetarian but loads of vegan options).
www.amicobio.co.uk/

just a thought. It's not posh but she liked it a lot.

Everyone's raving about Nigella's vegan choc cake atm too I think.

Sussexsavvy · 12/01/2016 23:40

EE I think this dilemma is easily solved. Tomorrow, tell your au pair you and your DH would like to help her celebrate her birthday and have booked a table for two for lunch in this lovely restaurant at the weekend. Then tell her it is her birthday gift from you both and ask her if there is anyone she would like to take with her as when you booked it you did it with the intention of taking her yourself but have since wondered if there is a close friend or anyone she would like to enjoy this treat with.

I think it's lovely your husband thought of doing this, even if it's not really your cup of tea.

DotForShort · 12/01/2016 23:41

Elisaveta, you really shouldn't have to worry about him sulking or starting a row with you. That sounds like a really miserable dynamic. Can't you just tell him you appreciate the thought but it won't work for you? And then plan something you will actually enjoy.

Cressandra · 12/01/2016 23:41

Or not pizza, given the vegan thing. Hm. Ask her where she likes to eat out?

Sussexsavvy · 12/01/2016 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheSecondViola · 12/01/2016 23:45

I see the trolls are out in force again on this thread

Are they in disguise? Or do you mean yourself?

DotForShort · 12/01/2016 23:50

I mean of course something that both you and the au pair (and possibly the children) will enjoy.

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 12/01/2016 23:51

Thank you Just it's really good to have that perspective. Sussex the idea of giving her the choice is a good one. I will definitely check out the Nigella cake too!

(I have really bad trolldar but I haven't noticed any trolling? Googling indicates that the vegan pizza definitely exists!)

OP posts:

Figwin · 12/01/2016 23:51

Las iguanas have a vegan menu x

Ps your dynamic does not sound miserable, just normal tbh

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 12/01/2016 23:53

Thanks figwin - he's not a bad DH. Sometimes thoughtless but means well. I need to be more assertive.

OP posts:

DotForShort · 12/01/2016 23:56

The dynamic doesn't sound normal to me, it sounds very unhealthy. The OP's husband is making plans for how she should spend her time, without consulting her or taking into account her preferences (or the au pair's). And the OP feels she has to go along with her DH's plans, even though she doesn't want to, in order to avoid him sulking or starting a row. That doesn't sound good to me at all.

Yseulte · 12/01/2016 23:59

Sounds grim. I have no problem socialising and I couldn't be arsed to spend a couple of hours making smalltalk to a teen while eating vegan food.

DH has to learn not to do this kind of thing and he might as well start here.

Palming it off on a friend of her choice sounds the best solution.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 00:03

very unhealthy? Wow you and your DP must just shit kittens all the time.

This is a one off mistake, he probably did it quickly and didn't think it through properly and stayed in the head space of "oh I did a lovely thing" and if she said it's not really going to work he would feel a bit hurt about it because he thought "he did a lovely thing" and maybe sulk a bit until he comes to his senses. Because no one ever sulks or gets a little hurt over their ideas being rejected. And there she is trying to not make him feel like that which also makes her feel guilty. I'm sure the op has never had a mini strop at DH. Anyone who has a strop or has been stropped at should LTB!

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 13/01/2016 00:13

I think that's right figwin. I do need to be better at assertion but I don't want it to sound like there's a major issue in my marriage, DH isn't abusive etc. We could communicate better, that's the rub really.

Yseult it's not that I'm not arsed, and the vegan food looks amazing. I don't want to just 'palm her off', I want her to have a good time.

Anyway thank you everyone who has commented, however it turns out it's been a useful discussion.

OP posts:

Yseulte · 13/01/2016 00:23

Don't worry OP I'm not going to think you're a bad person for not wanting to go. You don't have to please me as well as DH.

What DH thought was a nice surprise is an annoying surprise and that's ok. The question is why he would get in a strop about it.

LittleBeautyBelle · 13/01/2016 00:26

A simple cake or a small present to acknowledge her birthday seems to me to be more appropriate.

Even with your explanation of dh's thought process which makes some sense, I guess, I don't get why the restaurant, then a posh one, for whatever reason, was at the top of his list. And then he's miffed that you didn't love being volunteered to suit his plan?

Why is he even concerned about her birthday to that extent? It strikes me as weird that he decided to go book a posh restaurant in the first place for a new au pair working for you.

A cake with candles or an appropriate gift picked out and presented by the dc is the way to go. Save the posh restaurant tickets for you and dh, if he is interested in that possibility. If not, take a close friend with you.

Thunderbumsmum · 13/01/2016 00:32

Omg lorelei I have been to that place and it was fucking disgusting! Just plates and plates of stodgy carbs.

whois · 13/01/2016 08:40

I have no problem socialising and I couldn't be arsed to spend a couple of hours making smalltalk to a teen while eating vegan food.

What a horrible attitude towards someone who is meant to be part of the family.

I think it's a nice gesture and it could be a fun way to get to know each other better. Have a glass of wine or two, and use it as an opportunity to develop a closer relationship.

If all else fails you can just talk about the food or sit in comfortable quiet.

Yseulte · 13/01/2016 08:48

It was a light-hearted comment, not meant to be taken with such po-faced seriousness. If OP wants to get closer to the au pair I've no doubt she can do so without DH's intervention.

Totally agree with BeautyBelle

OVienna · 13/01/2016 08:52

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but we've had au pairs for a few years. I cannot imagine most of them wouldn't prefer vouchers to a 'posh' meal! If it transpires yours is training to be a chef maybe scratch this advice but otherwise if it's not too late can you find out where she might enjoy some shopping and get her that? I think it's actually a bit weird to celebrate her birthday with just one member of the family as well. Your DH hasn't got a clue but means well.

Thissameearth · 13/01/2016 08:56

Minor point from me: you mention you'll provide plenty of for au pair during lunch to make it better but if I had my birthday night out with my friends that night I wouldn't want loads of wine during the day as would kind of ruin my night plans. I find it slightly odd that he's done this and thinks it's good but seriously just say ummmmm nice plan but [insert true feelings] and do what she wanted, which I think was nice lunch with all of you? I'm not vegan but have veggie and vegan pals and it's pretty easy to find nice places with suitable food (and I'm not even in that London anymore or indeed the south at all )

Figmentofmyimagination · 13/01/2016 08:59

Why doesn't he go instead of you?

Why don't you go along with it and then surprise him with a nice day out for the two of them on one of his weekends, paid for by you?!

Gobbolino6 · 13/01/2016 09:11

Why are you committed to it? Cancel and buy her some vouchers.

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