To not be excited and happy about DH's surprise?

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

I think I might be being quite unreasonable and a bit ungrateful about this, so please give me your opinions. Our relatively new, very quiet au pair has a birthday this weekend. DH told me today he has booked a meal for two at a posh restaurant for lunch, and I am taking her. I am an introvert, I enjoy time with close friends and am fine with people who like to talk - our au pair is lovely but also an introvert, and quite self contained. I am rather daunted by the prospect of spending several hours making conversation with her one to one, without even the DCs to focus attention on. DH is now pissed off that I'm not more appreciative of the nice surprise he planned. AIBU? If so, any tips on how to relax and make it a nice experience for lovely au pair?

I used to be an au pair a long time ago and this would have come across as very weird among my numerous au pair friends... Definitely let her pick her own company.

SGB he likes to do surprise presents. Often they're nice, like my pregnancy massage. Occasionally well intentioned but a bit annoying, like getting me some boots which were nearly what I wanted but not quite - what I really wanted was to choose myself boots. And very occasionally he books me four torturous hours making small talk with a teenage European. I really hate surprises, I like meticulous planning and the fun of anticipation.

That's not a nice surprise, it's a social obligation that he shouldn't have signed you up for without asking you. YANBU.

Hmm. He doesn't know you very well then or he does know you but goes ahead anyway.
I agree with SGB on this one.

Poor DH doing a thing he thought was lovely but is actually the sort of awkward situation you would see in a comedy drama.
Sounds like you don't have an out. I would pre think some questions just like about where she grew up, family, why move here etc. that works as long as she isn't a one word response person. And yes, plenty of wine x

So he likes giving you surprises even though you hate them. Curiouser and curiouser.

Well,it's very nice of your husband to think for a present but not sure a posh restaurant would be suitable for an au-pair who just arrived and very shy. I was an au-pair for a few years. We went out for meals with the family,sometimes with the Mum, other times with the kids too but never to a posh restaurant(although they were posh). If I were you go out with your husband for that lovely lunch and get the au-pair an actual present. Gift voucher is fine! I had once when the 3 boys gave me each a present. I thought that was very thoughtful.

Why on earth would she want to go for lunch with you??? Vouchers for something at a spa would be nicer.

I think he does know me, springscoming, whilst being peeved at my underwhelming response, he said I was freaked out by having to make conversation one to one for several hours. In a sort of critical way, like that's a fault. I don't think there's a cynical motive BYO, I think he was just being what SGB said.

I think in your au pair's position I'd rather have half the cost as cash, to splurge on my night out with other au pairs.

This has to be so much more comfortable for you both, and you could change the booking to another day and go with DH instead.

If you go through with his plan, he will even expect you to be grateful y'know!

You sound exactly like me, as I would hate this sort of forced interaction with someone I didn't know well. It hasn't cost anything as it's only a booking so just tell DH you don't want to go and cancel it. Why is he so invested in the outing anyway? It's nothing to do with him! Then have cake and voucher gift with the DCs in the afternoon. Much less awkward for everyone.

I also find it strange that your husband would do this?

By the way OP you have a lovely turn of phrase. Must be all those Chalet School books. Marvellous :)

He's done it thinking of himself and how he would react - he needs to think of the individuals you and the au pair are instead

Reminds me of the time dh arranged a surprise party for me - I hate surprise parties. And because it was short notice only two of my friends could come but six of his did. Still married him but he learnt a lesson!!

Hmmm. I think I'm committed to the lunch now, so I need to work on making it nice for the young woman. Thank you figwin for conversation suggestions but she's been here long enough to have covered nearly all of that. But I will keep a mental list (possibly a real list in my handbag in case of total stage fright) of stuff to talk about.

And I will go and get her a voucher as well, she deserves a real present!

So he knows you'll be freaked out by hours of 1:1 conversation but went ahead and booked it anyway? Then he was critical that you weren't delighted? How strange.

Btw I'd rather have teeth out than be put in your situation so I really do sympathize. Helpfully my DH would try to protect me from situations that he know I'd hate.

Gosh thanks Cressandra

If get him to cancel and book a restaurant you can take the kids as well

I find this really weird
he's basically lumbered - or tried to - lumber you with a thing you don't want to do

what is the point of that? I'm honestly baffled.

and I don't really see why you are committed. Cancel it and get the girl a nice gift or some vouchers or whatever. Also wouldn't it be nice if you did a cake and handover of present with all the family there? Just the two of you for lunch would be a treat if you were good friends, but you aren't?

If I was a teenager having planned a birthday night out, I would have plans for during the day. They would probably involve sleeping in, some tanning products, getting my nails done and lazing around.
Not spending four hours with my boss

I can imagine how the conversation might go:

"We introverts should stick together."

"Um, no I don't think so."

He is being unfair to her as much as he is to you. She will be very relived if you cancel I can 99% assure it!!

Is it normally her day off as well?

Oh I would hate a surprise party. I do hope DH knows me well enough not to do that! I need to check if he's told the au pair about the lovely surprise not getting her birthday off work or if cancelling is possible. If not, I will do my absolute best to make sure she has a good time (plenty of at least) and a decent extra real present. On the up side, I'm reassured it wasn't an overwhelming YABU you ungrateful git response

You know that somewhere on the internet your au pair is begging for advice on how to get out of this!!

The kindest thing to do would be to say you have reconsidered and decided she would probably prefer the day off and you hope she has a great time

It is normally a working day. She said it would be nice to do something together (I.e. whole family) in the daytime. She's not a tan, nails and hair type, sort of geeky cool really. Actually quite like me in many ways, ironically.