To not be excited and happy about DH's surprise?

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

I think I might be being quite unreasonable and a bit ungrateful about this, so please give me your opinions. Our relatively new, very quiet au pair has a birthday this weekend. DH told me today he has booked a meal for two at a posh restaurant for lunch, and I am taking her. I am an introvert, I enjoy time with close friends and am fine with people who like to talk - our au pair is lovely but also an introvert, and quite self contained. I am rather daunted by the prospect of spending several hours making conversation with her one to one, without even the DCs to focus attention on. DH is now pissed off that I'm not more appreciative of the nice surprise he planned. AIBU? If so, any tips on how to relax and make it a nice experience for lovely au pair?

YANBU. Why do you think you are committed to the lunch? In your shoes, I would tell DH that it was a nice thought but he should cancel the booking. It is extremely presumptuous of him to plan your time in this way. If he wants to take the au pair out for lunch, that is his choice (though that could be an awkward situation potentially). But to decide on your behalf that you will take her out? A resounding no would be my response.

Give her a nice gift, have the children help bake her a cake.

What are her dietary requirements? Maybe find a place you can all go like the original plan

It's a rubbish present, which appears not to take into account the recipient or the person who is expected to accompany the recipient.

'Their heart's in the right place' is bullshit spouted to congratulate people (usually men) for doing something, especially when the 'something' is ill considered and unwanted.

Your social anxiety is a separate issue and is being used as cover for an unsuitable gift. Personally, I wouldn't go because the gift should be about the recipient and not about your H's sense of accomplishment.

He's booked something that you and probably her too are going to find awkward and not enjoyable.

He's allocated your time to something without consulting you
.
He's put you in a potentially awkward position of blurring the line between employer and employee. I'm sure she is a lovely person but there may be times when you have to put a rule or boundary in place and him trying to turn your relationship into a 'friendship' makes that more difficult for you.

Sorry but I think it's rather arrogant behaviour on his part.

I think it's weird and completely unreasonable of your H to assume you would want to do this.

To be really honest, Dot, I'm probably weighing up the balance between going through with it and enduring DH sulking or a row about me spoiling a nice surprise for au pair/ me. I realise how pathetic that is

It gets worse! He's being an arse! Let him sulk away. Send him to the restaurant on his own and have a nice chilled out lunch without him!

Seriously, tell him it's awkward but very sweet of him however going out altogether would be more enjoyable for her and then book pizza express for all of you. Seriously they cater for everybody, even that salads are good

Cancel the fancy restaurant, book a family restaurant, and all take her for lunch. Much better idea.

OP " She said it would be nice to do something together (I.e. whole family) in the daytime."

well that's nice. Why don't you do that then? Just tell DH she has said she'd like that - he can't get cross about doing something someone actually wants to do on their birthday? It can be local and it doesn't have to be all day.

Do you often have to hide your feelings/change your behaviour to avoid bad behaviour from your husband? Do a lot of eggshell walking?

To be fair BYO he isn't being an arse, I'm just wimping out of risking him becoming one.
I think I need to take a look at lots of things this thread is throwing up for me

Does your husband fancy the au pair?

A bit springs though possibly as much because of my conflict aversion as his actions.

Gearing up to be an arse is the same as being an arse

I'm sorry OP- This seems to be really stressful for lots of different reasons. If he is generally ok could you not explain to him how this is making you feel- including the anxiety inducing potential strips of you disagree with him?

shazza - no. She's a real person, not an Internet cliche.

Strops - !not strips (although that's what dd used to do when she got mad!)

Seriously... Pizza Express

Sorry BYO could you explain the last sentence a bit more?

AIBU to say that the first thing I thought when reading this thread was

BYO "Gearing up to be an arse is the same as being an arse"

true - and very well put!

Cross post . Strops, yes that sentence works now!
Yes that's exactly what I need to do. Wow, this thread is being unexpectedly quite life changing.

Figwin she is vegan. Maybe watching us all eat pizza while she tucks into a plate of dough balls (no butter) would be better than a posh meal with me, but it's marginal

I could probably make a decent vegan cake though.

It's not pathetic, but it doesn't exactly endear him to the audience! I agree with Isetan, don't get sidetracked with your own discomfort. Even if you were happy to do it, it's not a very nice present for her. The fact that it's expensive is no mitigation. You can go through with it to keep the peace but is it fair to ask her to?

Furthermore you can't tell her that he forced you to go, can you? So she will probably think it's all your idea. Slightly cringey.

Figwin's plan is so much better. Take her out for pizza and change the booking to go with DH.

Pizza express do a vegan pizza, true story