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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

149 replies

StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 20:24

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too :(

OP posts:

Yseulte · 13/01/2016 11:19

It sounds like the premise of a Sartre or Pinter play.

minipie · 13/01/2016 11:22

Ok OP. Here are the options. DD has to choose one of these.

Whole group only goes for a long weekend, same as you, so you don't miss outon anything
DD chooses a much cheaper holiday location so the holiday can be done in school hols and be cheaper
DD abandons the whole holiday idea and just has Uk wedding.
DD goes ahead as planned and you go for long weekend, rest of group goes for longer

OP, DD did not disregard you when making her plans. She just (wrongly) assumed you would be able to get the time off work. So you shouldn't feel too miffed IMO - she did want and intend you to be there, she just got her facts wrong unfortunately.

Now she knows you can't get the time off she will have to choose one of options 1) to 4). It would be nice for her if you could be supportive of option 4)...

Bonxie · 13/01/2016 11:37

I can't imagine why your DD thinks this is reasonable, but I do wonder if she feels she can't have a wedding at home without inviting all extended family?

GoblinLittleOwl · 13/01/2016 11:46

Selfish and insensitive of your daughter.

However, I would definitely ask at school, discuss it with the Head and explain the situation. She might be able to let you have a couple of days compassionate leave wrapped around a weekend. If you work part-time, could you double your hours in one week?

Very difficult though; your daughter should have had more sense.

Headofthehive55 · 13/01/2016 12:12

Yes I know you can get legally married abroad hermoine but in this case it doesn't seem to be like that. My niece is getting married abroad this year, legally, whilst we could go, I'd rather spend our money doing something we want to do rather than it using up our holiday time and cash!

I actually think the wedding is the legal bit, take away the frippery, marriage a legal contract essentially. Usually the date of agreements date from the legal signing e.g. Treaties etc.

That is the heart of a wedding for me, without which the marriage wouldn't exist.

If the op feels she can be there for the really important bit, I think it will go some way to help her feel she hasn't missed out.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 13/01/2016 12:14

I've read somewhere that there are two aspects of attending someone's wedding: witnessing and celebrating.

In this scenario you'll be able to witness both the registry wedding and the weekend blessing, you'll also be able to celebrate the blessing on the day that it happens so that is the two most important aspects taken care of.

It's become complicated because your DD wants a strange extended holiday with people there. Whilst it sounds like my idea of hell and certainly exclusive of lots of people that she should care about, perhaps your DD does not see this as essential to celebrating her marriage? Alternatively she's just being very thoughtless and doesn't realise that by doing this she's going to exclude a lot of her nearest and dearest.

isthatpoisontoo · 13/01/2016 12:21

I can see why you're hurt. My mother died when I was 18 and for a long time I thought I wouldn't get married, because she can't be there.

I am organising my wedding now. We explored what we thought would be low cost options: local registry office, trying to hire a local space and cater it ourselves. Those options just weren't there! We worked through every variation we could think of, pricing things up. There was nothing we could afford. You think £3,000 a week is expensive? We couldn't get our wedding costs down to that for a day! Mostly because we don't have a house or garden we can host in, and the spaces cost so much, then put restrictions on catering, corkage, etc. We ended up hiring a big house in Wales, asking people to stay and contribute.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe this isn't about the dream wedding, with or without you, but a wedding they can afford. Maybe she's asking you to help make the wedding happen, not trying to hurt you by excluding you.

ImperialBlether · 13/01/2016 17:04

This is all because people have sex before marriage! Years ago NOBODY would've wanted their family with them for the week after their wedding!

TendonQueen · 13/01/2016 17:14

It's a bit rich if they're saying they don't want to get married in the UK because then distant relatives will be disappointed that they don't get to come, so instead they want to get married in a ceremony abroad meaning the bride's own mother can't come...

The80sweregreat · 13/01/2016 17:25

Im sorry op, but your daughter is being unreasonable.
She knows your situation, but is choosing to ignore it.
I agree with redshoes though, might be worth a word with the headteacher or the authorities if your daughter wont change the dates, you never know they might let you take unpaid leave. Not ideal, but might solve a problem.
good luck, i hope you can make the wedding.

Whitney168 · 13/01/2016 17:28

Is this not just one of those plans that sounds great in the pub one night, but never actually comes off when people actually think they might have to commit to it?

Headofthehive55 · 13/01/2016 17:45

isthatpoison have though of making stuff yourself? We had a very homemade day, it cost very little. Made my own invites, favours, bridesmaid dresses, cake.

Duckdeamon · 13/01/2016 18:44

Headofthehive it's food and drink that's most expensive, most venues charge ridiculous corkage!

That said it can be done very very cheaply in community centres etc, but many people don't fancy that for their wedding!

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 18:49

isthatpoison

There are always ways to get the cost down. Weddings dont need to be in big fancy expensive hotels, community halls and local social clubs will be able to be hired out relatively cheaply. I bought the flowers for the church for my wedding in Aldi. I made the favours myself. Hired bridesmaids dresses and best mans kilt. Good luck!

Headofthehive55 · 13/01/2016 19:45

isthatpoison I think a community centre is not a bad choice. Particularly for the evening do, what about a cold buffet? That used to be really popular choice.

I've been to lots in community centres and they are more comfortable than a marquee in my opinion.

wafflerinchief · 13/01/2016 20:05

Your daughter is being unreasonable, the part that would bother me the most is that it's only you that can't attend the full shindig. If my dd decided to runaway and elope, it'd be a case of that's what they wanted and no guests included, but doing something that your mum and 2 brothers are going to struggle with seems inconsiderate and also makes me wonder if this is your dd's idea or her dh is keener (as his family can all make it).

MrsHathaway · 13/01/2016 21:25

I've been to lots in community centres and they are more comfortable than a marquee in my opinion.

Good parking, h&c running water, and plumbed toilets as standard. ::nods sagely::

TendonQueen · 13/01/2016 21:39

Plus the option I've seen people talk about on here, where you book a restaurant and ask people to come and pay for their own dinner, is better than trying to get guests to come abroad. Most people are prepared to pay for a meal out, and at least then they can choose what they want and judge their own costs, rather than being tied into the bride and groom's choices and the far higher costs of travel.

isthatpoisontoo · 18/01/2016 12:59

Yes, I've looked at community centres. Around here, they're either a) not cheap or b) have rules that ruin the party. Like, you have to have done the clear up and be out by half eleven, for example. They're also too big for my wedding for the most part.

Things I'm making myself include: the cake, the veil, all of the food, most of the alcohol (I'm a home brewer), favours, decorations, flowers (they're currently growing).

My point isn't that I can't work out how to afford my wedding. My point is that people often think a wedding can be done cheaper than it really can. Some areas have nice cheap spaces to hire (where I grew up had loads of great community halls, for example) and some don't (where I am now, for example). Sometimes what looks like extravagance is a huge saving compared to other options.

LoTeQuiero · 18/01/2016 13:15

I think it's really quite astonishing what people suddenly deem is acceptable to ask of others when it's under the umbrella "wedding" term. Coupled with the hen do fiascos when best friends are suddenly dropped like hot potatoes when they can't afford a week away in the sun and to pay for the bride as well - there's no way behaviour like that would be tolerated if there wasn't "a wedding" involved at some stage of the proceedings.

KERALA1 · 18/01/2016 13:37

Graham Norton had this scenario on his phone in - wedding in Florida grooms mother scared of flying. Gn quite funny on it -he was not impressed by couples plans!

Excited101 · 18/01/2016 15:39

I know the thread has moved on a bit but DM works as an LSA but was given 2 weeks unpaid leave off 2 months after her 60th birthday for a bit of a special trip to the states to take part in an event over there. Always worth asking!

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2016 16:07

Yes, some of the "expensive" venues end up cheaper than DIY if you want all the frills and furbelows.

If you're a fantastic seamstress then it's cheaper to buy silk than a silk dress, but often the "package" deals do quite enough without adding on unnecessary costs.

Stepping on to Pinterest probably costs £3-4k in "unmissable" extra pretty bits that nobody but the overworked bride even notices.

Tiggeryoubastard · 18/01/2016 16:09

It's not even a wedding. Why does she want you all to travel (at an inconvenient time) for a pretend wedding? Ridiculous idea.

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