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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

149 replies

StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 20:24

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too :(

OP posts:
YakTriangle · 13/01/2016 07:07

It sounds mad.
Wanting a group of people who don't really know each other to go on a holiday where there's an activity most of the guests aren't interested in.
A holiday before the actual wedding has happened! That some of the guests can't afford and may be physically unable to join in.

Surely if someone talks to her and points out how hugely unreasonable it is to guilt people into joining and even paying for her dream holiday before she's even married, she would be able to understand this?

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 07:21

DP and I are going to Florida to get married, - we're going on our dream holiday to America and getting married one afternoon on the beach.

We're then going to do a family celebration when we get home, after we sign the register in the UK. That way, we get a wedding, and all the family get to celebrate in the country at the same time.

I think there's the difference, though. We're essentially eloping just the two of us, so nobody can get offended at being left out. All the family going and the mum being left out is different and I think she'll regret the decision if everyone else is there and her mum is not.

OP, can you afford to cover the difference so that she can get married during the holidays? There is a BIG price hike and I can kind of understand her reluctance to pay a huge amount extra for the same holiday a week or so later.

Headofthehive55 · 13/01/2016 07:47

You get married where you do the legal bit, that is the actual wedding! The other us a fancy holiday.

Duckdeamon · 13/01/2016 07:52

Unless there's a back story and you don't have a good relationship, she ans future son in law are being unreasonable. Not surprised you're hurt.

diddl · 13/01/2016 09:42

She does realise that she won't be getting married in the Alps, doesn't she?

So that you wouldn't actually be missing the wedding?

Headofthehive55 · 13/01/2016 09:52

The legal but will be the date of her marriage, won't it? So the date on which anniversaries are celebrated?

So I'd be chatting to her about that, you know the actual wedding, look puzzled when she mentions the abroad bit and just say oh you mean the pre wedding holiday?
Ask her if she wants flowers at the proper wedding, perhaps you can arrange a nice meal out with you all...

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 09:59

You get married where you do the legal bit, that is the actual wedding! The other us a fancy holiday.

Actually, that's not necessarily true.

"Your overseas marriage or civil partnership will be recognised in the UK if you follow the correct process according to local law - you won’t have to register it in the UK."

From www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/what-you-need-to-do

So, you can do the legal bit overseas, we're doing it this year! Follow local law, submit your documents and get a license. You don't need to do it in the UK as well (depending on which country you choose to have your ceremony in).

OllyBJolly · 13/01/2016 10:01

Hermione I think in the OP's case it is true. She said the DD and DH to be are having a registry office wedding on their return from holiday.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 10:03

I know, just saying it's not always the case. A PP had implied my wedding was just a fancy holiday Hmm when I know it's not the case!

As an aside, I don't understand how they can have a marriage blessing before the marriage? Confused

ButtonMoon88 · 13/01/2016 10:14

I can see both sides to this; me and my DP are planning our wedding, but finances are a consideration as are his parents who do not speak. I would love to escape and get married with no one around to simply save arguments.

Perhaps your DD just hasn't got past the oh my god I'm getting married excitement stage and isn't fully thinking through practicalities (as I will have to soon also) the wedding isn't until 2017. Why don't you go up to Gretna green, or somewhere equally calm and beautiful, and then those that want to holiday in the Alps can all go together.

They obviously just want to escape family drama and it's not quite working out like that!

MaxPepsi · 13/01/2016 10:15

YANBU

I seriously considered 'eloping' with DH - I just wanted to be his wife, I surprisingly wasn't bothered about the church, reception etc etc when it all came down to organising it and I wanted to save money. I quite liked the idea of getting dressed up and asking two randoms on the street to be our witnesses.

However, the deciding factor was that there was absolutely no way on this earth was I going to deny my mum the chance to see her only daughter getting married. She wouldn't have said anything to me but it would have broken her heart.

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 10:37

Unless you can pay the extra for her, it's unfair to make her change plans for her dream wedding

Well I guess we all have different definitions of what a "dream wedding" is....mine certainly wouldnt be one without my own Mum there, no matter how much of a "dream" location it was in.

MrsHathaway · 13/01/2016 10:39

The most recent series of Don't Tell the Bride has driven me up the wall because nearly none of them has involved an actual legal wedding ceremony. In fact I think every one I've seen of the most recent series has involved a quick quiet Register Office a day or two later.

Bride could have a quiet Register Office, then a skiing honeymoon, then come back for a family bash in the Legion/village hall/local hotel/mum's back garden afterwards. But no, she's considering this frankly bonkers arrangement instead.

diddl · 13/01/2016 10:40

"Unless you can pay the extra for her, it's unfair to make her change plans for her dream wedding"

Or in this case a dream pre wedding blessing?

DawnOfTheDoggers · 13/01/2016 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 13/01/2016 10:46

I would be very hurt you are her mum i dont understand the fortnight holiday though why do they want everybody to go on holiday with them?

MrsJayy · 13/01/2016 10:49

I never will understand non weddings abroad they dont make sense to me most of the time thecouple are not married until they nip to the registry office

ButtonMoon88 · 13/01/2016 10:51

I agree with Laguna about definitions of a dream wedding, it would involve my mom being there. However I am learning very quickly that you cannot please everyone. They say weddings should just be for the bride and groom, do what makes you happy, but it's never the case, it's surprising how people can change when wedding planning takes place ( we wanted Gretna green hence my suggestion in PP but because that's where MIL's exh lives, she has told us she will not be attending) it's so bloody complicated I am tempted to just go off with DP and DD and tell everyone what we have done several days later! Of course we won't, we will battle and end up getting married elsewhere and hope for the best.

Cut your DD some slack, I bet the wedding doesn't turn out how she is currently thinking. It's a lot to plan and consider I doubt she is doing it deliberately

BYOSnowman · 13/01/2016 10:51

the blessing could be the ceremony important to them where they are making their commitment to each other in front of their loved ones

The registry office is a legal agreement. Not sure why that has to be the anniversary date.

Both sil and Bil had to go to the town hall to register in the weeks before the wedding because they can't do it anywhere else. They then had the ceremony (one religious, one not) at the venue and consider that their wedding day

minipie · 13/01/2016 10:56

Am I reading this differently to everyone else?

The OP can attend the blessing. She can go for a weekend, possibly a long weekend. That weekend will include the blessing. She just can't go for longer.

So she would not be missing the "wedding" part of the holiday, just the extended skiing part.

I don't see a problem with that tbh. Yes OP I can see it will be a bit sad for you to have to go back to work while the grooms family and other guests can stay on, but it's not that big a deal IMO, you will have been there for the blessing.

diddl · 13/01/2016 10:56

"the blessing could be the ceremony important to them where they are making their commitment to each other in front of their loved ones"

True, but surely they can understand that not everyone can afford the time or money to go abroad to see them not get married?

BYOSnowman · 13/01/2016 10:58

Agree about that. I was just responding to everyone saying it's irrelevant and only the legal wedding counts

diddl · 13/01/2016 10:59

Yes, I think you are rightn minipie

OP, would it be so bad just to only be there for the blessing?

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 10:59

Their wedding. Their choice. It is not your right to be there

I also find this really sad. Its the Ops DD....there is emotion involved by the very nature of this! Your view seems quite blunt and not take into account that relationships involve emotions such as love and thoughtfulness, and are two way, a wedding is a celebration of love and is not about "rights".

MrsJayy · 13/01/2016 11:00

The op feels excluded from the plans yes she can go for a long weekend but they are having a blessing holiday meh id be miffed too

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