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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

149 replies

StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 20:24

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too :(

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 12/01/2016 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeganBacon · 12/01/2016 21:20

I would be very hurt. I also think the daughter is being unreasonable expecting everyone to take two weeks of their annual leave to attend their wedding. I know when I was a single working parent it would have been impossible to accommodate that.
But all you can do is go for the weekend to see the blessing and miss the rest of the holiday - I wouldn't quit my job over it. I know it's sad that they'll be there without you for the rest of the time, but there's no other way out if they have set their heart on it.

bakeoffcake · 12/01/2016 21:21

My dd has just got engaged and is starting to think of wedding plans.

I would be absolutely devastated if she did I this.

I think in your shoes OP you need to talk to her and tell her how upset you are that you won't be there for the whole time, when everyone else is.

The other thing I would suggest is talking to your HT. A friend of mine, who is TA, took a week of unpaid leave off during term time, for a very personal holiday (she had tracked down her birth mother who loved abroad). The HT wasn't particularlry happy about it, but as it was unpaid leave and she had given her a lot of notice she couldn't really say no, for such a unique reason.

BYOSnowman · 12/01/2016 21:23

A shared self catering chalet with how many people?

Doesn't sound much fun to me!! Sounds like your dd wants a skiing holiday and other people to fund it!!

Scarydinosaurs · 12/01/2016 21:24

YANBU I would be heartbroken to miss my DDs wedding and surely your presence is pretty essential?!

bakeoffcake · 12/01/2016 21:25

Sorry x posted.

Talking about what your son and pointed out is a great idea, and also she will realise it isn't "all about you" but she also and t thought of her brother with ASD and the brother who can't afford it.

It does look like she really hasn't thought this through, hopefully she will realise pretty quickly!

bakeoffcake · 12/01/2016 21:26

Excuse typos!

Whatdoidohelp · 12/01/2016 21:28

Yanbu to feel hurt but where do you expect her to get the money from? Get into debt?

Sunbeam1112 · 12/01/2016 21:29

People who choose to get married abroad have to deal with the fact people may be unable to tend due to fijaces or holidays. Your not being unreasonable. I would move the date so my mam and dad could come but thats me tho.

BYOSnowman · 12/01/2016 21:29

When you can't afford something the usual thing to do is reassess your plans!

diddl · 12/01/2016 21:30

It just sounds like a holiday to me.

What would be being blessed?

Backingvocals · 12/01/2016 21:32

You're not wrong to be hurt OP. You don't organise a dream wedding if it means your mum can't be there. The only consolation is that she might just be a bit young and silly - thinking you can get round the holiday situation etc. If she had more experience of work and of other people's life issues, she might have thought this one through a bit more - so it's carelessness rather than that she doesn't want you there.

Hope a sibling can set her straight.

NoSquirrels · 12/01/2016 21:32

YA DEFINITELY NBU to be upset.

Gah - a wedding where one of the most important guests - probably THE most important guest to most brides - cannot come would not be a celebration of marriage to me.

The important part is the people. The couple marrying, the people supporting them, bringing of families together. The important part is NOT the backdrop or the scenery. Hope she comes to her senses, OP.

Flowers for you.

3sugarsplease · 12/01/2016 21:32

Personally I think your daughter is BU. I think the 'dream' wedding is over shadowing what's really important and that's having your closest loved ones there.

annandale · 12/01/2016 21:34

whatdoi, if it were my dd i'd hope she would change the plans to something she could afford.

NoSquirrels · 12/01/2016 21:35

Yanbu to feel hurt but where do you expect her to get the money from? Get into debt?

Err, whatdo, I'd expect her to realise that the "dream" destination was not affordable and get a better dream instead. But then I don't get "dream" weddings, so I cannot empathise.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/01/2016 21:38

so the blessing wouldnt mean they are married?

the marriage would be the registry office when home?

LeaLeander · 12/01/2016 21:38

As my parents are dead, my "dream wedding" would be to have them there for it. I wouldn't care if it were on the side of the roadway in a blinding rainstorm.

TendonQueen · 12/01/2016 21:42

So they 'can't afford' a wedding in the UK but are planning on two weeks in a skiing resort? That's either deeply naive, selfish or some of both. I would never have done what she proposes to my mum. Tell her straight that you are hurt and were just too stunned to say so at the time. It may well be that these grand plans fall through anyway as other people will surely have similar problems with time away and cost.

diddl · 12/01/2016 21:42

"so the blessing wouldnt mean they are married?

the marriage would be the registry office when home?"

That's my understanding.

A blessing is just that, I thought a blessing of a marriage that has taken place.

Hullygully · 12/01/2016 21:48

shes a right old cow

mommy2ash · 12/01/2016 21:49

Have you even asked yet? The option might be there to take some unpaid time off. A daughters wedding is surely different to wanting a holiday or something

Antisoc · 12/01/2016 21:51

YANBU

Can you suggest they make more of the registry office side of the wedding?

Original poster
StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 21:51

Whatdo... no I expect to help her towards her wedding, and/or towards her honeymoon. I expect her to save..just as dh and I did, for our own. And to make plans that are within the bounds of reality and without debt.

I have NO understanding of people who get into a ton of debt for a special day.. especially when they have 50k plus of student debt to pay back over the next god knows how many years.

I know she means well..and is excited. I'm trying to suggest that as they ahve to actually tie the knot in a registry office in the Uk anyway, it would be more fun to then go ski with a bunch of their friends together :) We would happily help them out with that and it wouldn't put us , her brothers, in an impossible position!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/01/2016 21:52

Honestly, I'd get another job when I returned. I could not imagine having to miss my Dd wedding

Yes, because TA jobs are 10 a penny! No problem for the OP to just walk into another one!

Why on earth should anyone give up their (longstanding) job because their child hasn't thought through plans that affect a lot of people?

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