I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

[StillMedusa]

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too :(

Doesn't sound like much of a wedding to me. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

wanting to put what are essentially a bunch of strangers to share a chalet is a pretty big gamble

This made me chuckle! We got married in Florida and rented a villa for the family- FIL, MIL, BIL, SIL, 2DCs, my DD (we paid for everyone flights, villa, tickets etc still cheaper than a wedding at home) My inlaws are wonderful people. I love them dearly. By day 2 my DH wanted to book into a hotel - and it was HIS family!

Give your DD my number and I'll talk her out of it!

Im not saying the OP has to do it nanny. Personally it wouldn't bother me to something different upon my return. I wouldn't expect to go back into a TA Job at all. maybe it would bother the OP.

LOL at just 'get another job' .. there were 32 applications just at the shortlisted stage for the last TA job at my school... where I have worked for many years. I'll just quit and risk my home and mortgage for a week away?

And it's NOT the wedding, if you read. They cannot actually get married there so it would be a blessing ..followed by a registry office back in the uk. We would love to be there for the weekend...but the rest simply is NOT doable.. practically, financially..

So actually no point to it all.

My Dad was a teacher, my sis got married in term time abroad, He was allowed a week unpaid leave. She didn't have to get married abroad and massively inconvienenced every attending if truth be told.

If your DD insists that this wedding is what she wants then see what you can do but equally you can't make everything work.

Have I understood this right. Dd wants you to chip in with the cost, even though you can't be there most of the time?

Gosh! That is brutal
Sorry OP, no help, but OUCH

If it was me I would wait another year on the planned date and save up the extra to cover the school holiday costs.

I got married without my mum as she had passed away 7 weeks before and she was greatly missed

Show her this thread - she is BVVVVVU, hurtful, mean and selfish. I would be devastated.

DM is a teacher (now retired). We got married in the school holidays otherwise she'd have been similarly sidelined - even for a weekend wedding, because of the family time that inevitably and correctly surrounds a wedding.

I grump about people saying they're getting married abroad/in the middle of nowhere/midweek "because it's cheaper" - in fact the total cost is typically much higher, but is mainly paid for by other people.

There are lots of ways to get a dream wedding on a tight budget. Excluding your beloved mother is not one. Choosing the right groom, on the other hand, helps enormously.

If you are giving plenty of notice you may be able to get unpaid leave. Talk to the head. Don't give all the info about cost. Simply explain that your daughter is getting married abroad and you would like to take a week's leave to attend and meet her new family. You might be surprised. if they won't allow you the week. Ask for a few days so you can at least be there for part of it.

It sounds like this is a bad plan for a few reasons though - one brother doesn't think he can afford it and the other may find it hellish for a week

What is this obsession with marrying in dream locations, thus excluding people? Isn't the dream location for the honeymoon?

Well i would remove any funding you've offered.

Personally I'd have forgone the white dress, and every bit of frippery to have my mum there.

You can get married very cheaply actually here.

I've been the daughter in this situation.

To get my dream wedding I had to sacrifice having my family there.

In my defence. We hadn't considered going abroad until every single member said "look at going abroad. We will come!"

So we did. We decided on a location that was beautiful, things to do for everyone, and the right price for all budgets. Cheaper than Europe.....

My mum refused to come because they fog for mosquitos (as they do in Florida)

My dad refused to come because he doesn't "like" those people

His mum and us had a falling out...

My uncle refused to fly that far.

We still went and then had a party when we came home (which my mum still didn't attend)

It was nothing to do with being a bridezilla of blinkered.

We had the day we wanted. And didn't resent the people that decided their initial suggestion was shit.

I hope she puts more thought into those 'life saving decisions' that she makes at work OP.

How hurtful for you.

Kelsoo "To get my dream wedding I had to sacrifice having my family there."

in other words, the venue was more important than family.

I am not a "family" person so I don't have an issue with it. But I can see how it would come as a shock and/or disappointment to someone if a close one was doing what the OP's daughter is doing.

OP, I don't think YANBU at all, you can't help how you feel. I never wanted to get married but if I had, I think I would have done Vegas with no one bar the groom which probably would upset a lot of people!

the issue here is going to be that your daughter sounds like she wants you to sour your working relationships to get there, which I think is unfair. I respect her right to have the wedding she wants but equally I respect your right to be upset that you can't go. That probably doesn't help but I guess the bottom line is that no one is BU but if she asks you to pay towards a wedding you can't attend, that's not on.

It sounds like she is actually getting married here, so dress up for that and have that as your photo of her. She's just having a pre wedding holiday abroad.

I don't understand parties back home when you've married abroad though. Never come across one in rl but don't think I'd bother. I like the wedding bit myself!

Their wedding. Their choice. It is not your right to be there.

Go for a long weekend, it's not like you can have longer or afford longer or,would want to spend longer with the others anyway so what's your problem?

Born -I found your post really sad. Talking about 'rights' in the context of a daughter's wedding. 'Their' wedding, 'their' choice - where's love, caring, thoughtfulness in all of that? If getting married matters to you, then being surrounded by those who love you most and especially your mother, should really matter. Yes I know she's having the blessing abroad but that must matter to her ( although quite frankly I'm struggling to see anything Christian in her attitude)

Have you double checked your holiday list. I know some schools now have an out of step easter break if that applies you may be able to avoide peak holiday time.

A blessing before legal marriage sounds odd and will fall flat i'd imagine. The wedding will be the registry office in UK surely, the holiday sounds like a hen/stag party?

StillMedusa
Since it is being planned for 2017 there is plenty of notice to give school. You could ask to take unpaid leave for that week. We had a member of staff have a couple of weeks off for a wedding in Africa. I think it is worth asking.

I feel sad for you.

But try telling the head teacher you'll volunteer for every school trip and residential and every event at school in exchange for some time off.

To get my dream wedding I had to sacrifice having my family there

This ^ suggests this v

It was nothing to do with being a bridezilla or blinkered

I really can't imagine a "dream" wedding causing so much hurt. Is that really a "dream"?

In the OP's case, it's not even a wedding just a bit of theatre. Really not worth upsetting your loved ones for - and not worth compromising the OP's job. Let's hope one of the siblings or friends talks some sense into the bride to be.

"They cannot actually get married there so it would be a blessing"

A blessing of a wedding that hasn't happened?

Pah!

So you will miss a holiday?