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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

149 replies

StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 20:24

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too :(

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 12/01/2016 20:48

Why are people going for two weeks on a wedding and honeymoon. It is ridiculous. However, I hate weddings and can not see why anyone would want to go on something like this or why anyone would want a gang of relatives on their honeymoon. She is being unreasonable I think. Surely people have better things to do and spend their money on? I am probably not the person to help you.

CakeFail · 12/01/2016 20:50

The wedding is the bit where they sign the registry, not a pissup in the Alps.

It's not just a piss up though, it's a blessing. No one goes to a wedding to watch the signing of the register do they? The ceremony is what families like to see and be a part of IME. That's what I thought a blessing was... A ceremony without the legal bit. Maybe I'm wrong though.

LuluJakey1 · 12/01/2016 20:51

She sounds very self- centred and princessy. Everyone has to go for a fortnight so she can have the wedding and honeymoon she wants? Err....nope.

annandale · 12/01/2016 20:51

This sounds weird tbh. I agree with Hirples. Why not just invite a small group to the register office, have a lovely meal in a pub, and then, erm, go on honeymoon? It's not actually compulsory to invite all and sundry to a huge wedding.

In these circumstances I would wonder whether my son in law to be was actually that bothered about family, or even liked me. I think if you end up biting your lip about this it might be the first of many times.

Osolea · 12/01/2016 20:52

Your dd doesn't want to get married without you there, nor is she planning to. In her mind, you will be there for the wedding, even if you aren't there for the whole of the holiday surrounding it. If they're only going for a week, it could only be a couple of days that you'd miss. She has assumed that you'll be able to get the time off, so she does want you there.

I'm a TA too, missing a friends wedding abroad this year because of the term time contract, and I'm gutted, so I do understand how much worse it must feel when it's your own dd. But appeal to the head, you might get lucky.

PandoraLovesGin · 12/01/2016 20:55

My MIL is a teacher. When DH and I got married a few years ago the school let her have 3 days off as we were getting married a long way from where she lived. I'm not sure how she got it agreed but she did. So I guess it's worth asking if you can have a few days off for such a special occasion.

KathyBeale · 12/01/2016 20:56

I'm with cake. I think this is awful. Weddings aren't about the day - the day in isolation means nothing. They're about the guests. Two of my best friends got married many years ago when it was the petrol strike (remember that?). We all - including the couple - lived down south and the wedding was in the bride's home town (in the middle of the country, not near any public transport). The bride - who'd gone up early - spent the whole week before the wedding crying and crossing people off the guest list because she thought no one would make it. In the end, with all sorts of jiggery pokery and some people borrowing a vegetable van and travelling up in between cabbages, we all made it. She always says it made her realise what was important about her wedding - and it wasn't the sparkles on the tables or her eyeshadow.

That's a v long way of saying YANBU!

RaskolnikovsGarret · 12/01/2016 20:56

Poor OP, I cannot imagine my DDs doing this (but who knows in the future?). Is there a back story?

TheNumberfaker · 12/01/2016 20:56

Speak to your Head. As others have said, you'll probably be able to get a few days off unpaid if you've got a good history!

honeyroar · 12/01/2016 20:56

I think she's being really mean and thoughtless. But do speak to the school and ask perhaps, so you know for certain then go from there. The bride and groom should find a compromise between having the wedding they want and hurting their parents over it.

SquinkiesRule · 12/01/2016 20:57

She does sound like she thinks you will some how wangle a couple of weeks off in term time and go. Make sure know that you will not be able to go, and it's unfair to ask you to go for the weekend.
Maybe a small family only registry office and meal, then go to the alps for the honeymoon.
Just cause they want it, doesn't make it so. You can't always have what you want. Huge life lesson for the bride and groom here.

maras2 · 12/01/2016 20:58

Dream wedding? Sounds like a blooming nightmare to me.How selfish can you get ? < awaits the Bridzilla posts to come > Sorry OP,I know she's your daughter but what is she thinking ? .

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2016 21:01

I just don't understand why people don't get married in a registry office and have a lovely honeymoon, rather than expecting loads of people to shell out tons of money just for that day (or more likely, few hours.)

OllyBJolly · 12/01/2016 21:03

I can't believe anyone's vision of a 'dream wedding' includes leaving their mom high and dry back at home, unable to take time off work. Unbelievable.

^^^
THIS

*"some guests may not be able to come" ??

it's her mother!*

^^^
AND THIS!

I can understand couples eloping because they want it to be just the two of them, I don't get this big holiday thing that doesn't include your own mother. If my DDs did this - I'd be devastated.

If they can't afford it, they look at another venue. Simple.

Walkingintheraindrops · 12/01/2016 21:05

For my daughter I'd quit the job tbh. No way would I consider missing it

ElizabethG81 · 12/01/2016 21:05

YANBU, she's being incredibly selfish and hurtful.

liinyo · 12/01/2016 21:06

YANBU. I would be so hurt if one of my DDs did this. All I can think of is maybe she thinks two weeks in a ski resort would not be comfortable or enjoyable for you so she is giving you an easy excuse? If you really want to go, I would appeal to the head for compassionate or unpaid leave. After all, if you were seriously ill or bereaved they would be able to accommodate your absence.

kansasmum · 12/01/2016 21:06

Yanbu. I would be really upset if my Dd did this. I understand she has financial constraints but you are her MUM!!!
I really hope she gets a grip!
Actually I would be more than really upset, I'd be furious and very, very hurt. Like you said it's not like she didn't know you can't take holiday term time.

BYOSnowman · 12/01/2016 21:07

If she quits her job she can't afford to go!!!

Walkingintheraindrops · 12/01/2016 21:08

She'll have to pay for it before she quits and goes so no different

Honestly, I'd get another job when I returned. I could not imagine having to miss my Dd wedding

CFSsucks · 12/01/2016 21:11

I'd be devastated at not being at my child's wedding. She is being thoughtless and a bit selfish tbh.

I'd speak to your head and see if they can help you out in any way. I've seen people on here say they have done supply TA so this could be an option so that you can go.

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/01/2016 21:11

Yes, CakeFail, I get that. But normally the blessing would be of the marriage. Which doesn't actually exist, because they haven't done the registry bit. And the marriage might never actually exist, should something go horribly wrong on the honeymoon/"wedding week".

It all just seems a bit arse-backwards to me. And very hurtful to OP.

Sooooo glad I let DM and DMIL organise most of our wedding!

SevenSeconds · 12/01/2016 21:15

OP, you have to phone her back and tell her how absolutely devastated you would be to miss her wedding. Ask if there is any possible solution. Talk through some ideas. It may not make any difference, but make sure she realises how upset you are!

BYOSnowman · 12/01/2016 21:17

Why not speak to your boss tomorrow to verify that you can't take the time off before talking to her.

Original poster

StillMedusa · 12/01/2016 21:19

Absolutely no back story.. we have a lovely relationship.
She does however have a tendency to making fabulous plans without every thinking them through and then being surprised when other people (not always me!)point out the snags. Sometimes she still makes them happen, sometimes I help them happen. But she's a 24 yr old professional now in a career where she has to make life saving decisions so I would have hoped she had actually thought things through a bit more.

Even with my work problem aside.. wanting to put what are essentially a bunch of strangers to share a chalet is a pretty big gamble, wedding bonhomie not withstanding. I did tell her younger brother tonight when he came home from work and he felt it was her usual not thinking it through head and if she actually went ahead he would probably have a word with her because he felt it was damn thoughtless at best. He also mentioned that while she has a decent job, he certainly can't afford to pay for flights, ski pass/kit/lessons... and DS2 is disabled (ASD, learning difficulties and some physical difficulties).. not sure how he is going to look at an enforced ski trip!

I am absolutely all for them having their wedding where they want. But I wasn't expecting them to decide on a great mixed party, doing something that most of us aren't into. A weekend somewhere nice ..by all means.

I guess I will gently mention the snags that her brother has already flagged up and hope they have a bit of a re think. I might suggest that they would get far more for the money if the married here then went off abroad for some fun!

OP posts:

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