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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

nanny doing personal chores with toddler

169 replies

FarterChristmoose · 12/01/2016 09:09

Is it acceptable for a nanny to take toddler with her on personal chores such as nannys doctors and dentist appointments, food shopping etc rather than doing these on nannys day off? She gets one weekday off Plus weekends. She takes toddler for daily walks, play groups etc.

OP posts:

Mmmmcake123 · 12/01/2016 23:37

Pippapug
You let children near the toy box!!!!!!
Pretend revulsion , don't you realise they could die from that exposure?

IoraRua · 12/01/2016 23:41

I think there's nothing wrong with nanny bringing the child along to the shop, doctor etc. They are learning in all of these environments - new language, new objects, money, all kinds of things. I would be encouraging her to do it.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/01/2016 00:05

I don't see anything wrong with this. I employed nannies , full time Monday to Friday. If they could not have gone to the dentist or doctor during work hours either my husband or I would have had to take time off.

I don't see what the issue is with taking the child shopping.

Although our nannies took our son to playgroups and pre-school nursery I didn't want him to be in nursery full-time. If I had been at home he'd have come shopping with me.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/01/2016 00:12

'I need an appointment and thought I could introduce your dc to the experience, am not afraid of the dentist, it's a quick check up, would that be OK with you?, 'it's a long day after all the group and 1 to 1 activities, so I was thinking of taking dc to supermarket, we could learn about choosing items, price and how the checkout works, we wouldn't spend too much time there

As a former employer of nannies I couldn't agree less with the above.

I wanted a nanny in preference to a nursery partly for convenience and partly because I wanted my son to be looked after in his own home and have as far as possible the same sort of day to day routine as a child with a sham. (Although with no need for time to be spent on housework)

If a nanny had said the above to me I'd think she was bonkers - honestly trying to dress up going to the supermarket as a learning experience ?

Aussiemum78 · 13/01/2016 05:29

Our childminder often took dd to shop or to her sons school events. I liked that dd was part of her everyday life (and honorary little sister to her ds).

Aussiemum78 · 13/01/2016 05:31

And as a working mum, I appreciated that she was able to work, while also being there for her child.

Dd loved it.

SanityClause · 13/01/2016 07:11

I don't think it's appropriate to take a charge to the dentist or to the doctor, if you are going to need an examination. In those situations, you are unable to look after them properly. I should imagine most SAHP arrange some kind of help when they need to go; a friend or a family member. I suppose if a nanny took a friend along, it would be okay, so long as the DC were properly supervised.

If a nanny had some errands to do that could be incorporated into the day, I would be happy for them to do them. So, if they wanted to return an item to a shop, and tacked it on to a trip to a soft play venue, that would be fine.

Also, if they had to wait in for a repair person, once in a while, I would be okay with them taking the child to their home. But I would expect to be asked. I wouldn't be happy with a nanny going to their own home every day. If I wanted that, I would have a child minder.

My nannies would sometimes visit their parents, or other family members, and my DC benefitted from this. One nanny had a sister with a baby, so it was a lovely experience for them to visit her, every now and then.

I see that your friend works quite long hours on her working days, but she has three days off a week, one of which is on a week day. She will also be entitled to about 23 days of annual leave. I'm struggling to feel sorry for her, frankly!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/01/2016 09:06

I can see, given your update, that your friend is totally stretched. Her hours are crazy and she obviously has a busy home life too. But that's not her employer's fault, or problem, really. She's accepted a contract to work those hours and she needs to work them (although as I said earlier, I agree with the 'it's OK to pop to the bank, but not OK to go in and do your mortgage application' school of thought).

wafflerinchief · 13/01/2016 09:19

fwiw 52 hours / week with 3 DC at tricky ages and one with additional needs - maybe your friend just has too much going on? On the surface, 1 dr appt per month and 6 monthly dentist visits doesn't sound too much but if she's exhausted and not able to get enough sleep nightly I think she should consider a job with fewer hours - something's got to give or it'll be her health ultimately.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/01/2016 10:17

I took my toddlers to the dentist because my husband worked and the dentist was open office hours. I had no choice.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/01/2016 10:31

ON I wouldn't be doing your friends job. She needs to find a job with shorter hours.

var123 · 13/01/2016 10:39

BathshebaDarkstone - but some people do have a choice whether their toddler attends someone else's dentist appointment, and the nanny's employer is one of them.

If I had agreed to my nanny doing this then I'd have considered it a favour to her, not a learning opportunity for my child. I might have said yes anyway, but its more fun to feed the ducks than sit in a waiting room, so I'd have wondered why she couldn't do this sort of thing in her own time.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/01/2016 10:43

She needs to find a job with shorter hours.

Don't we all ? I imagine she needs the money .......... and her employer is possibly working compressed hours in order to have a 4 day working week too.

Employers vary - some are quite chilled especially about occasional stuff but if your friend has 3 children, with one SEN then I suspect that the majority of hospital/doc appts etc are related to her children rather than her and are quite possibly regular occurrences.

She is quite right to think that her employer(s) are likely to take a dim view especially if her own teenage children are in tow. Even asking is likely to raise a question in their minds as to what goes on when they are not around for 12 hours a day. It probably isn't worth it in her mind.

for your friend, it sounds really tough.

wafflerinchief · 13/01/2016 11:10

you might need the money but if you're not getting enough sleep every night, that's a desperate state to be in and a serious think is needed. Not getting enough sleep regularly is awful for your health. If she gets sick she'll be unable to work for a lot longer.

DinosaursRoar · 13/01/2016 12:33

thing that gets me on this, lots of people are saying they would expect the nanny to do this like a SAHM would, but then particulalry where I live, nannies aren't expected to do a lot of the tasks a SAHM would - a Nanny wouldn't be doing the family's food shop, or cleaning or washing (other than tidying up after the child's activities) - cooking would just be for the child, not for the family etc. Shopping for small bits the child needs that day would be normal, but not being expected to do this routinely. If the Nanny is expected to run errands for the family like a general member of staff rather than an exclusively childcare professional, then doing their own errands at the same time would be more reasonable.

OP - I would suggest your friend might be better looking for a different job, something closer to office hours. She might not get a day off in the week, but get a proper lunch break and find life would be easier for her.

amarmai · 13/01/2016 12:49

who pays nanny rates to a person doing a cm job?

JonSnowKnowsNowt · 13/01/2016 12:53

Tbh, it doesn't matter what anyone on this thread thinks. It only matters what this particular nanny's employers think. They will have given the nanny a contract laying out duties and expectations, and will have discussed these duties and expectations in more detail at both the interview and on an ongoing day to day basis.

For example, my nanny does family cooking, light household chores, and a whole host of things that many nannies would consider 'not their job'. It's in my nanny's contract, was discussed at interview and both I and she are very happy with the arrangement (my DC are all now school-age, so it's now more of a housekeeper/school-run and holiday childcare arrangement). My nanny does not do personal errands in my time but she can and does ask for time off to do them when necessary, which is of course fine.

I think nearly all employers would find it unacceptable that their nanny was doing activities with their toddler that they didn't know about. I had a previous nanny who thought it was okay to take my two then-pre-schoolers back to her own mother's house to spend a day there during a family party (the nanny's family). I was not happy at all when I found out. Obviously it's the sort of thing that an SAHM would do with her toddlers, but it's not what I was paying a nanny to do. There were some similar incidents, which for me added up to the nanny showing poor judgment, and we ended up ending her contract. My current nanny has been with us 5 years, and one of the many reasons it works so well is that she always checks with me before doing anything that she hasn't been previously discussed.

If this nanny has any doubts about whether the employer is happy with what she's doing then she MUST discuss it with them.

BackforGood · 13/01/2016 19:21

*I wanted a nanny in preference to a nursery partly for convenience and partly because I wanted my son to be looked after in his own home and have as far as possible the same sort of day to day routine as a child with a sham. (Although with no need for time to be spent on housework)

If a nanny had said the above to me I'd think she was bonkers - honestly trying to dress up going to the supermarket as a learning experience*

Of COURSE going round the supermarket is a great learning experience. Language development / Knowledge of the world / maths once they get to counting.
You've said "I wanted my son to be looked after in his own home and have as far as possible the same sort of day to day routine as a child with a sham" well surely all SAHPs do errand during the day? Pick up a parcel that's at the delivery office, maybe take something to the dry cleaners, go to the bank, Go and buy some birthday cards, return an item to a shop, post a letter, etc., etc. If you want the experience to be as close to that experienced by a dc with a SAHP, then the Nanny needs to take them on all sorts of errands.
Ultimately though, JonSnow is right- doesn't matter if 95% of us think it would be fine for the Nanny to run some errand sometimes if her employer doesn't want her to.

juststeppedoutofasalon · 13/01/2016 19:31

At our request, our childminder spent all morning running her errands, visiting her mates and shopping. afternoons were for lunch, nap and quiet time at home. The babies were out and about and I loved the fact that so many apparent strangers knew them by name. I wouldn't have wanted my kids to go to the drs with her - I took time off work to cover that.

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