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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

nanny doing personal chores with toddler

169 replies

FarterChristmoose · 12/01/2016 09:09

Is it acceptable for a nanny to take toddler with her on personal chores such as nannys doctors and dentist appointments, food shopping etc rather than doing these on nannys day off? She gets one weekday off Plus weekends. She takes toddler for daily walks, play groups etc.

OP posts:

ZanyMobster · 12/01/2016 16:37

Once a monah doctors and 6 monthly dental check ups totally fine, popping into the local shop for a few fresh bits is ok. Grocery shopping for her plus her 3 children is not ok really. As lots of people have mentioned get an online delivery.

The personal circumstances of your friend are kind of relevant as it is unsurprising she is tired but unfortunately, regardless, she is still employed to carry out her duties as required by her employer.

I may be exhausted at times due to various factors between work and home however I cannot just run my personal errands in the middle of the day, I can't remember the last time I had a lunch break.

That's not to say it is OK of course but if I was at breaking point then I guess I would speak to my manager and discuss the situation. That is the only thing your friend can do.

Janeymoo50 · 12/01/2016 17:13

I was a nanny, never took my charges to doctors or dentists. I did though need to sometimes do errands and took them along as would combine my errands with doing stuff for them (library, shopping, post office etc). But this was certainly not daily, even weekly. I did my stuff at the weekend mostly (and not meaning to sound horrid, I certainly wasn't exhausted with one toddler to look after, is your friend unwell??).

RiverTam · 12/01/2016 17:42

It's a pretty pathetic low blow, Stratters (and not necessarily true, I never did a day that long by myself when I was a SAHM). But turn it a game of top trumps if you like. It adds nothing to the discussion at hand.

apricotdanish · 12/01/2016 18:10

It's a pretty pathetic low blow, Stratters (and not necessarily true, I never did a day that long by myself when I was a SAHM). But turn it a game of top trumps if you like. It adds nothing to the discussion at hand.

Completely agree with this. Over the course of their careers junior doctors can expect to earn far more than a nanny will, the two aren't comparable. Every job has different demands and also the whole point is she is NOT a SAHP. If she was we wouldn't be having this discussion. As a SAHP you can choose how to spend your day- for instance pop out and do some shopping, cook dinner while the baby's sleeping ,do some household chores etc. This lady will have to go home and do all these things quite late in the evening as well as all the other responsibilities that being a parent entails.
I reiterate this is a job and she has every right to be exhausted!!

var123 · 12/01/2016 18:13

I'd be tired if I was on my feet for 19 hours and only got 5 hours sleep. I could do it a few times, but I wouldn't like to do it 3 or 4 times a week.

If I worked 7am- 8pm, I'd not be able to do anything else really on those days, except eat and sleep. What does she do between 8:45pm and 11:30? Maybe the answer lies in getting an extra hour of sleep which would leave more energy for front loading other tasks on the three days off.

amarmai · 12/01/2016 18:19

yes , did my job, traipsed home by bus, looked after my kids, got up next am and did it all over again 5 days a week -AND got paid $$ AND kept my personal stuff to myself as it wd not have helped me to keep my job if i said i wanted spec priv because i was exhausted. Oh and paid my babysitter neighbour over the going rate and let her take my dd to her house while she cooked and cleaned , did her shopping , washing etc. BUT she was not a nanny , she was a babysitter. None of us gets it all the way we wd like and if you try to work it like that sooner or later you will go tits up.

JessieMcJessie · 12/01/2016 18:28

I don't understand how you can take a toddler to the dentist. An older child who can sit quietly in the corner but a toddler who will be into everything in he surgery and is too small to play alone in the waiting room?

Who watches the toddler while you are in the chair?

Artandco · 12/01/2016 18:47

Jessie - I have often taken my own children to the dentist. As babies and toddlers I would have just left them strapped in pram out of the way of the dentist. Given them a toy/ snack or when they napped. Usually it would just be a check up 99% of the time so doesn't take long. If toddler they would then get check up also. Same at doctors

Snowglobe1 · 12/01/2016 19:09

I would be frustrated in your daughter's position, and I would encourage her to say politely to her friend that actually, she thought the original dress looked beautiful, and that surely they don't want to go to the event looking virtually identical. If that doesn't work, I'd encourage her to let it go.

Snowglobe1 · 12/01/2016 19:10

Aaargh wrong thread. Sorry.

Soooosie · 12/01/2016 19:41

GP appointments no because they are personal and there could be cobtagious people in waiting room

Dentists and food shopping yes. Just like a sahp would. As long as these things didnt take over.

jacks11 · 12/01/2016 19:49

Absolutely not on to meet friends for social events whilst being paid for nannying. You meet friends to socialise in your own time.

As for the rest, I think it all depends on frequency. Occasional appointments/dentists etc would be fine, especially if it was urgent. Not so sure about the Dr's appointments, I guess it would depend on purpose of appointment.

Similarly, popping in to get a prescription or a few things from the shop or handing a form into the bank/paying in a cheque or something similar would also be fine. Doing their whole weekly shop every single week, having a long meeting with bank advisor, getting your hair done or going shopping for their own clothes/shoes or something like that whilst being paid would not be ok with me.

At the end of the day I think when you are employed as a nanny your employer is paying you to look after their child, not paying for you to drag their child along after you whole you conduct your normal social and personal life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/01/2016 19:51

My nanny would not remain my nanny if she did this.

Do personal shit in your own time not mine just like every other employee

jacks11 · 12/01/2016 19:51

That said, if dentists appointments are only every 6 months then surely she could arrange one sufficiently far in advance to be on one of her days off? Obviously different with emergency appointments.

BackforGood · 12/01/2016 19:58

It was because I wanted my dc to have as close a life as possible to being at home with me, that I chose a CM over a Nursery.
Possibly not the Drs, but all the other things I would ask my nanny to be doing with my dc. if I had ever had a nanny It's good for dc to have been into the dentist a few times before they need to go, to go into banks and post offices and shops and on errands that generally need to be done. Otherwise, why would Topsy and Tim do it ?

There are some right martyrs on MN tho aren't there? This lady is working incredible long hours in her job, and then going home to do all her own stuff around that. We'll be on to competitive living in a shoebox soon.

lifesalongsong · 12/01/2016 20:35

I have realised reading this thread that over many years of being a parent it has never occurred to me not to take a child along to a medical appointment of mine because there might be sick people in the waiting room.

Is that something people generally worry about? What do SAHP do when they need to go for a doctor's appointment? The only time I ever didn't take a child was to smear tests because it's not allowed at my surgery.

The OP mentioned that the nanny goes to the doctors once a month which to me suggests an on going health issue, at my surgery you would make the next month's appointment each time so not quite the same as being in the situation of having to ring up on the day each time for unplanned appointments maybe.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 20:40

Otherwise, why would Topsy and Tim do it ?

Couldn't agree more

RiverTam · 12/01/2016 21:48

Needs so you'd be fine with your nanny working an 11 hour day with no break, and still insist that she can't run even the smallest personal errand?

Whinfell10 · 12/01/2016 21:56

I disagree with most posts. There is no way I think a nanny should be doing significant personal stuff/ admin/ health appointments in work time. There is also no way the nannies I know or the families I know who have nannies would think this is acceptable. The odd small thing eg a phone call to the bank is fine. More is not!

PippaPug · 12/01/2016 21:59

Needs You sound just like the Boss I would want to avoid!

I have taken children with me to the doctor before, they was normally a toy box in the room or I would have something for them. It was easier when I was working 7-7 min-Friday then the parents taking time away from their own jobs.

I still think as she has one day off in the week and also a Saturday which a lot of dentists are open for, to sort GP and Dentist visits out then - unless due to illness (and not on going) I think once a month is a lot however so a one off yes, not all the time however

Stripyhoglets · 12/01/2016 22:21

I am on my 40s and work half those hours in an office job (stressful job though) and I am knackered. She must be dead on her feet - can't believe how many people are saying she should be able to work 52 hours a week and not feel tired

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/01/2016 22:24

No I wouldnt my nanny gets more than the legal requirement for breaks.

I also have no problem retaining them, one has been in my employ for 22 years

RiverTam · 12/01/2016 22:31

Well then, it's not the same situation, is it.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/01/2016 22:46

I think if she keeps request to a minimum it should be fine, especially when certain Drs and dentists don't work every day -- it's likely to be more of a hassle for the employers to get childcare cover for the odd appointment than any negatives in the situation of the child going with nanny, on balance.

I would be exhausted working a 52 hour week over 4 days as a nanny. Some people wouldn't, good for them, but we are all different, and 52 hours is a fair old whack out of ones life.

Mmmmcake123 · 12/01/2016 23:03

As far as nanny expectations are concerned (leaving aside her life outside of work), I don't see anything unreasonable with short dentist appointments, vanilla gp appointments or shopping, so long as these are agreed with employer in advance. This should be along the lines of, 'I need an appointment and thought I could introduce your dc to the experience, am not afraid of the dentist, it's a quick check up, would that be OK with you?, 'it's a long day after all the group and 1 to 1 activities, so I was thinking of taking dc to supermarket, we could learn about choosing items, price and how the checkout works, we wouldn't spend too much time there'. I think these things would be agreeable once you have proved yourself early on and made an effort to build a good relationship. They won't be a given tho. I would expect a nanny to always be helping my little ones to learn, this could be almost anywhere but should come before asking for personal time during work hours.

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