To not want to share my holiday

[spababe]

Can't say too much as don't want to out myself but one of my friends and I were discussing holiday plans and without being invited she has now told me she has booked the same holiday on the same dates. The children get on well and I'd invite her for a coffee but we're not bosom pals and anyway i think the point of a family holiday is to spend quality time with your own family. She gave no indication she was going to do this just presented it as a fait accompli.

Is there a back story OP that is giving you reason to believe you will have to share the holiday?

I'm with Mary in that it will be great for the kids to have friends around the pool if you happen to be there at the same time. Unless she has booked herself into your hotel room there is no reason that you have to entertain her.

My MIL did this last summer. Booked a cottage for them and us; cue DC very excited and us, only to find that SIL is also going there, but camping. SIL's DH was not too impressed I think (I certainly bloody wouldn't have been!), but it turned out really well in the end. Kids loved playing on the beach together, lots of adult help to make sure we all got to relax at some point. They even moved into the cottage for the last couple of nights as we'd had to leave early. PITA initially (I don't think MIL did it intentionally, she just wasn't thinking!), but worked well in the end. Maybe it will for you too?!

Why don't you ask whether she'd be up for meeting up on one of your 'free' afternoons while you're both there? That way you would be setting boundaries in a friendly way.

Sorry if you've already said this but what type of holiday is it?

If it is at a big resort with more than one pool then you can limit the contact quite easily if you want.

It's weird she booked it without saying, but controversially as a parent of an only DC I'd be delighted if DS had company that he liked on holiday and controversially I wouldn't mind looking after an extra one as it means much less hands on work playing with DS.

I think it's nice to have a bit of company when away I'm not her I promise, but I'd never book myself on someone else's holiday without talking to them first about it.

Is it possible she looked at it after your conversation,thought it sounded like the perfect holiday and decided to book on that basis?

I'd change the dates or cancel because this would annoy me so much I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I'd also be telling her that I booked a holiday to get away from it all and enjoy time with my FAMILY.

Does this really bother people? She's not booked into the same room fgs.

She likely thought it would be nice for all the children. She's not asked for babysitters etc.

If you want a holiday free of others, go somewhere remote.

I was just thinking that this is the most British thread in the world AutumnLeaves - my dad is Arab and anyone from an Arab/Mediterranean culture would have their jaw on the floor at the thought of having a 'little chat' with the friend before going. It's just inconceivable!

Having said that I am half British and would be sorely tempted to do the date change thing....

Autumn Yes, it does really bother people? Most of the posters on this thread have said as much.

It's more the not asking I think. At least if she'd mentioned it to OP it would have been far easier for her to say "actually, we prefer to holiday alone blah blah". Of course, no-one can stop the friend booking wherever the hell she likes (including the remote place, if known) but it's the not even mentioning and (I think) the insinuation that they'll be hanging out. OP doesn't want that.

Anyway, I'm waffling but yes, it would bother me massively, it's a bit stalkery and will likely end in tears.

Yes red flags for me would be not mentioning it,what else will she just assume.

If op asks her what she has planned while on holiday she will know what might be in store.

Does this really bother people? She's not booked into the same room fgs.

It would certainly bother me. When I go on holiday I want to feel free to do what I and my family want without worrying that another family might feel offended that I haven't included them; I want to be able to eat when and where I want with my family alone, without another family assuming that we'll eat together; if I feel like vegging on the beach or by the pool, I want to be able to do that without feeling I've got to make conversation with someone else; if DH and I are having a shag lie-in I don't want to be interrupted by well-meaning friends knocking on the door; I don't want to have to keep fending off unwanted invitations. Yes, it's thoroughly selfish, but surely that's what holidays are about. if I wanted company, I would arrange it, I don't want it foisted on me.

But people are making so many assumptions about the friend.

1. She wants to share/tag along to everything
2. She wants free babysitting
3. She needs playmates for her dc

The OP has not indicated towards any of these things, but people are stating them as facts.

OP your holiday is not exclusive therefore anyone is free to book. You are not obliged to spend any time with her (maybe she doesn't want to even see you there either!) so although I don't think YABU to be a bit annoyed I do think you are over thinking it.

And even a close friend would at least ask, never mind more of an acquaintance.

People are making massive assumptions about the OPs friend. There is no reason to assume that she wants to "share" her holiday just because she is going to the same place. Why assume she wants to eat with the OP or doing anything else with her? She probably just thinks it will be nice for the children to do stuff together when they are in the hotel.
OP hasn't mentioned the age of her children but it doesn't sound as if they are that young. My children (teenagers) always want to make friends and go around with children their own age when they are on holiday. I'm happy for them to do that when we are in the hotel/campsite/by the pool because I want everyone to enjoy their holiday, not just me. OP's children may well be the same so she could be speaking for herself when she says that they prefer to only spend time with family.

I have a friend who does this without checking. The first time I was quite shocked, but we had a great time. Now we tend to meet up on at least one holiday a year! She's done it with other friends too!
If I'm honest, the children have a better time with mates there... and so do we.

To be fair to OPs friend we don't actually know that she wants to spend ALL the holiday in OPs company. However, I do think that booking the same resort for the same week is quite thoughtless.

I like the idea someone mentioned above and suggest you meet up for an afternoon/dinner on a certain day so the kids can 'catch up on what they've been up to and we can swap recommendations on local places to visit'. Subtle boundary setting (that might be way too subtle for OPs friend).

Personally, I'd be inclined to try and change dates with a vague excuse that can't come back to bite me.

Is this a reverse thread?

Of course we can't know what the friend wants, but the point is that, if I were OP, the worry that she may expect to tag along with us some or all of the time would definitely take the shine off anticipating the holiday. And face it, it is pretty odd to book exactly the same holiday at the same time if you don't expect some sort of interaction.

We don't know what the friend wants apart from the fact that she feels that the children will have a better time if they have friends there. If they are older children she is almost certainly right. My children (teenagers) always do their utmost to make friends with children their own age when on holiday anyway so the idea that holidays are "family time only" is laughable to me.
Whatever the friend wants, OP is under absolutely no obligation to do anything with the friend herself. She can just let her children see their friends when they are at the hotel/campsite/pool etc. She doesn't have to eat with her or go on outings with her. It will make her life easier, and I don't see how it takes the shine of the holiday.

The thing is, though, that organising company for older children is something OP should be able to choose, it shouldn't be foisted on her. If OP ignores friend, declines invitations to share tables or go on outings with her, friend is liable to take massive offence. It's all so unnecessary.

"Also she thinks it will be great for the DCs to have friends on holiday."

I think this is the line that made me think that she has decided this is now a group holiday with possible free babysitting.
Your kids having friends on holiday implies that she is expecting a lot more interaction than just "wave to your friend on that distant breakfast table".

Exactly Marynary, Shockers yankeecandle4

The thing is, I guess, we need OP to come back and tell us more about what sort of person the friend is, and whether she is normally a stalkerish limpet needy type or a cheeky user, or whether she is just an as far as the OP knows normal person whose DC are good friends with the OP's DC...

I agree it is thoughtless and a bit odd to book in this way btw but I absolutely do not get why so many people hear "it will be great for the DCs to have friends on holiday." as "it will be great to have free babysitting" - the two things are not the same. We go on the kind of holidays where the kids make friends and run about the campsite with them a lot of the time - I am more than happy to be the one keeping an ear out for the kids if that's the price to pay so that my kids have some mates to play with, we never go anywhere while the kids play with other kids - we sit on the terrace reading and chatting and drinking wine watching the youngest and get up and check on him if he goes out of sight, and are the fixed point for the older 2 to check in with at set intervals or if they need help, and call them on mobiles or go and check on them if we feel the urge (and would if they were late back to check in with us, but they never are as they are used to a bit of freedom reliant on staying with boundaries).

We don't take friends with us but the kids make friends on holiday, and the older ones now keep in touch with holiday friends by email and snail mail as penfriends for a while When one family we met on holiday wanted to book the same week as us next time because their only child and our youngest got on so well and, you know, "its great for DC to have friends on holiday" esp if they have no siblings, we said sure, it'd be nice for the kids if we bumped into you again, but didn't exchange contact details - there was no expectation we would; we'll see if they're there in June! As parents we don't have much to do with the kids' friends' parents beyond a bit of chatting while watching the younger kids or at the pool if the older ones are playing together there - we don't sit together, it's chatting in passing. Sometimes we or the other parents will offer a coffee if we're near one or other caravan.

The ragey "kids must be with parents at all times on holiday even if kids would have a better holiday if allowed to play with other kids sometimes" does seem very British, and is probably why, with one very notable exception, our kids are always running with the German, Dutch and Italian kids on holiday (luckily they speak German, and with the Dutch and Italian kids DC2 speaks Football :o )

I think this is the line that made me think that she has decided this is now a group holiday with possible free babysitting.
Your kids having friends on holiday implies that she is expecting a lot more interaction than just "wave to your friend on that distant breakfast table.

Only if the children are younger. If they are older (I think they are from other threads of OP's), the parents do not have to be there when the children are interacting and "babysitting" is also not an issue.

I think this is the line that made me think that she has decided this is now a group holiday with possible free babysitting.
Your kids having friends on holiday implies that she is expecting a lot more interaction than just "wave to your friend on that distant breakfast table

Only if the children are younger. If they are older (as I think they are from other posts by OP), the parents do not have to be there when the children are interacting.

Happened to us. At first I was rather annoyed but actually the holiday ended up being great and we are planning to overlap our holidays this year so we will see them again at the same place.

spababe how old are the children?

That is a very good point Mary - I was just assuming children from the general tone of all OP's posts about the relationship between the kids that they were upper primary or secondary age, not toddlers...