To not want to share my holiday

[spababe]

Can't say too much as don't want to out myself but one of my friends and I were discussing holiday plans and without being invited she has now told me she has booked the same holiday on the same dates. The children get on well and I'd invite her for a coffee but we're not bosom pals and anyway i think the point of a family holiday is to spend quality time with your own family. She gave no indication she was going to do this just presented it as a fait accompli.

Wow. Yes that would majorly piss me off too. YANBU.

There are only two reasons I can think why someone I wasn't even particularly close to would do this:

1. They are a bit stalker-ish in which case this would seriously freak me out.
2. They are cheeky fuckers and hoping for loads of free babysitting.

Regardless, if you don't feel that you can change your dates, then I think you just need to be very clear early on that you will not be spending lots of time with them on holiday. Make it very clear that you don't get a lot of holiday time together as a family and so you will be off doing your own thing most of the time.

It is a bit weird that she went ahead and did that. I mean, even if it was a close family member, like a sister, I'd still expect them to ask if it's ok to join us!
Rather creepy, actually, especially given she hoarded some very specific and precise details, in order to go ahead with her plan!
If you can change dates, then I would - perhaps, as Summer's a long way off, say that XYZ close to you is getting hitched rather last minute and you've all been invited to big wedding bash, so had to change plans yourselves.
You're clearly not happy to share a holiday place with her, or else you wouldn't be on here
How bad a penalty for changing do you have to pay? Sod it, if it's dishonest. She was dishonest in not telling you, as well.

Just be honest and upfront. Don't go sneaking around changing dates. Or if you do change dates be up front about that too.

"Sorry, it's not personal but we value our family holiday. We will be doing our own thing/changing dates. It's a pity you didn't mention it before as we'd have said then, we never go away with friends because we like the chance to really bond for that 2 weeks as its all so frenetic the rest of the year."

And don't spend any more time with them than you want to. Don't be afraid of appearing rude. They obviously have thick skins as they were so rude in the first place.

Being honest and upfront is usually best.

However I found when I tried that with the relatives all my concerns were apparently taken on board and of course that wouldn't happen - couldn't change it as it was all paid for now - and yet I was still worried pre holiday and on holiday what I was worried about all still happened.

Grapejuicerocks approach does sound reasonable. A well we've spoken and a bit worried about your expectation as we really value two week of just us - as see where that leads but she could tell you everything you want to hear and then put you in awkward positions on the actual holiday still.

I would find it weird if somebody deliberately booked the same destination and dates so blatantly BUT I wouldn't assume you were sharing a holiday unless you booked together - I'd expect to do your own thing but the kids to have friends on tap to play with IF you happen to be having a sitting about the pool/ terrace day.

That is what I would assume. To me the fact that the woman didn't consult OP before booking suggests that she has no intention of "sharing" the holiday and OP is getting worked up over nothing. When I used to go on holiday as a child we knew many many other people there. There was no expectation that everyone "shared" their holiday. It just meant that the children had friends to play with when they were at the campsite hotel etc. It is nice for the children.

Weird.

But I was thinking what Schwab said - is it a big enough resort that actually you won't see each other? If you tend to get out and do things rather than sit round a pool, perhaps there's not much chance you will bump into them, and maybe that is where she is coming from, and they're not expecting to see you at all?

I think if it was me I would look into changing the dates or the resort, but if it was going to be too much faff or money then I would probably just make absolutely no effort to talk to her about it, contact her, make arrangements etc and hope I didn't see her. And if she mentioned meeting up, just say that we are really unsociable on holiday and have loads of stuff planned so won't have time to meet up. She may take that as quite rude, but she started it!!!

Where I used to work, one of the senior managers once bought a holiday house in the same place as my boss had a holiday house. I think she was pretty fuming, especially as he was not the nicest person. Nightmare!

I'm trying to picture how that conversation would have gone
If someone sprung news like that on me my face would have told them exactly how I felt, they would have been in no doubt.
What did you say in reply?
Looking forward to holidays is half the fun and she has already spoiled that.
As other posters have said if she's cheeky enough to pull a stunt like that you will definitely be babysitting, that was what motivated her anyway.
Why are you not being forthright with her?
I wouldn't allowed myself to get walked over to save the children's friendship , they'll be friends with lots of people.
This woman has already got over familiar with your family , keep her at arms length.
If my dh told me his pal and family were joining us on holiday I'd be pretty pissed off, it doesn't just affect you, its your family's holiday too.

marynary I think the opposite. I think the fact that she hasn't consulted the OP is because it hasn't occurred to her that this isn't an OK thing to do. It's not the fact of the resort / destination being the same, it's the dates. If it's half term so the dates are very limited, then you just don't go to the same place - if she likes it that much there are other opportunities to go. If the summer holidays, then booking the same dates can only mean she intends to spend the holiday with the OP. The destination is there next year.

carabos It wouldn't occur to me that I had to "share" my holiday with someone just because I was going to the same place. I suppose it depends on the kind of holidays you have or have had as a child. As I said, as a child many people we knew went to the same place as us for their holidays (after my parents told them about it) and whilst the adults might have occasionally met up in the evenings they certainly didn't do everything together in the daytime. It just made the holiday much more enjoyable for the children as they had friends to do stuff with when at the campsite. It depends on what you want out of a holiday I suppose.

Well you cant tell her where to holiday BUT you can make damn sure she knows the score.

Make it clear you wont be each others babysitters and you wont be spending every day/night together either.

I think you need to work out what she is intending before being as blunt as steppemum and some others advise.

If you go in all guns blazing about how you don't want to have a joint holiday and feel upset blah blah blah - and she then says that the most she intended was for the kids to see each other a bit if they wanted - you'll look pretty silly. And rude.

Make it clear you wont be each others babysitters and you wont be spending every day/night together either.

Why say anything in advance though? She may not intend to spend any time with OP in the first place so why offend her?

I'd be unhappy, in fact I'd be very pissed off.

Do your dc's know about it because when they know their mates are there they'll want to play with them won't they?

I'd have to change something, imagine your dc's begging you to let them play with x and y when you don't want to see the Mum.

Why say anything in advance though? She may not intend to spend any time with OP in the first place so why offend her?

Because she booked a holiday at the same place as op.Some people have to have things spelled out to them.Not everybody has the same bounderies.Plus it would be a lot more awkward when you get there and have to tell her.

Posted to soon,she doesnt have to be mean.She could ask what her plans and take it from there.

Because she booked a holiday at the same place as op.Some people have to have things spelled out to them.Not everybody has the same bounderies.Plus it would be a lot more awkward when you get there and have to tell her.

I think it would be more more awkward to "spell out" to someone that you don't want to spend "day and night" with them on holiday only to find out that they had no intention of spending much time with you in the first place! Better to wait and see what their intentions are in the first place.

thing is, if you wait until you are there, and the DCs want to just play together, then you'll have to be the bad guy saying "no, we are going to do X today" or trying to get them away from their friends to spend time with you. Walking into the breakfast room and your DCs see hers, she invites you to join them and you ahve to say "no, we want to sit alone." - all looks very unfriendly, and for each bit seems not a big deal, but adds up to you not getting those quality times together.

I would enquire how much it would cost to change the dates, if it's not too much, then change. Then tell her there was a problem with you/your DH getting the oringal dates, annoying you've had to pay out "a fortune" to change the dates, but actually, it's probably worked out for the best as you/your DH really won't get to spend much time with the DCs over the summer and you hope as it's just you going now, they will spend more time together.

You are letting her spoil it already
I'd be getting worried if she starts to tell your children what a lovely holiday you will all be having

As i said already you could just enquire in a nice friendly way.And if she has it in her head you will be spending loads of time together now is the time to get is sorted.Not when you get there.

Well it could go lots of ways couldn't it?

Scenario 1- Nothing is said, both families there, respectful boundaries/privacy etc. All ok.

Scenario 2- OP says something, no offence taken, agree to boundaries/etiquette/privacy

Scenario 3- OP says something, massive offence taken, no dates changed, awkward, ruined holiday.

Scenario 4- OP says nowt, horrendous holiday, other family in their face every minute, probable lost friendship on return.

Scenario 5- OP changes dates, keeps it quiet, comes up with vague plausible excuse nearer the time, fab holiday, friendship intact.

I'm with number 5 all the way (feel free to add more scenarios)

I'm with shakey. In an ideal world number 2 would work great, but number 3 sounds more likely (based on the fact that the OP is worried about offending the other mum as she thinks she would become cool towards OP's DC). I'd go with scenario 5 too. Bit sneaky but doesn't offend anyone or ruin anyone's holiday.

well, I would had

scenario 6 - OP says something, offense taken, OP changes dates, nice holiday.

I would have to say something because the friendship wouldn't survive for me anyway, so rather say it and get it out int he open.

As i said already you could just enquire in a nice friendly way.And if she has it in her head you will be spending loads of time together now is the time to get is sorted.Not when you get there.

Well obviously if she starts talking about the lovely time you will all be having together it would be appropriate to mention that although you would be happy to meet up occasionally but mostly prefer days trips etc just with family. If she doesn't say anything though it may be because she has no intention of spending her time with OP.
If I happened to be going on holiday to the same place as one of my children's friends I would just think it would be nice for the children to play together when we are at the hotel/campsite. I wouldn't expect to spend much time with the parent. If the parent started going on about how they didn't want to spend time with me on holiday I would think them quite rude and conceited to think I would want to spend so much time with them and I would probably tell them that.

OP I would be livid!! After being on holiday with my closest friend I would never recommend holidaying with friends without boundaries being discussed at length first. It ended our friendship because we had done this.

Have been on holiday with family and also regretted it because I was too stupid to set the same boundaries with them.

I would advise: (seeing as it looks like you're stuck with them)

No breakfasting together, say this is your 'waking up, enjoying the morning together' time before you would want to meet them.

Lunch fine but each family pays their own way

Dinner on occasional nights (if that's what you want), with each family paying their own again.

No children in each others rooms, you could end up stuck with her kids while she goes off sight seeing or never have any privacy

No babysitting so the other couple can have a night out (you could end up with her kids overnight)

No borrowing items/money

No knocking at your door before Xam and after Xpm

And anything else you can think of that you need to outline before going.

*hadn't done this