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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to share my holiday

138 replies

spababe · 11/01/2016 09:31

Can't say too much as don't want to out myself but one of my friends and I were discussing holiday plans and without being invited she has now told me she has booked the same holiday on the same dates. The children get on well and I'd invite her for a coffee but we're not bosom pals and anyway i think the point of a family holiday is to spend quality time with your own family. She gave no indication she was going to do this just presented it as a fait accompli.

OP posts:
BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 11/01/2016 10:26

Oh this would piss me RIGHT off. I feel for you OP.

DH and I have only ever been on one holiday, and that was our honeymoon, so any foreign trips for us are pretty much sacred. However, our honeymoon destination is very family friendly with lots of theme parks etc, so we intend taking the DC next time we go. We specifically want to go back to this place.

DH invited another friend and his family to come with us (2 DC also, of a similar age to ours) next time. Friend agreed, then immediately started proposing different destinations as he 'doesn't fancy X place'. Sorry, we invited you along with US, to where WE'RE going. If you don't fancy it, don't come - they were lucky to be invited in the fucking first place!

Derailed slightly there, but venting felt good! Grin

BarbarianMum · 11/01/2016 10:29

I'd make the best of it. Be very clear to her that you're happy to meet up a couple of times (however much you are fuming inside) but that holiday time is family time. If it is a beach-type holiday then I guess it wouldn't hurt to have her kids join yours (under her supervision) but you can organise meals and days out without her/them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/01/2016 10:30

YANBU. Could you plan on using her for free child care as much as you can get away with (and want to)? So at first (before she cottons on) when the kids meet up and play together ask if she minds keeping an eye on them while you and DH go off and do X. Then when she tries to crash in on you have some family thing you've booked just for your family ready to use as an excuse. And make sure you have evenings or mornings or whatever are "just us time" that you always do stated very clearly. Try to make it seem like this is what you always do when you go on holiday and not some deliberate plan to keep her at arms length.

notquitehuman · 11/01/2016 10:32

I'd be creeped out to be honest. And just waiting for the inevitable conversation about how you can babysit for each other. Oh won't that be fun?

lostInTheWash · 11/01/2016 10:33

We had close family who did this.

Babysitting promised when we muttered never materialised - and it was two more adults to fit round. They went on lots of other holiday a year with others and by themselves so it felt like imposition as we had this one.

It was sold to the DC as normal and fun so ended up happen quiet a few years on the trot. It really stopped being a holiday for DH and me - it got quiet stressful as there were times we just wanted to chill with the kids and that didn't happen.

Finally manage a holiday just us and the DC - it was so much more relaxing and the kids were surprised how much more fun they had.

I'd see about changing the dates due to unspecified family/work stuff - and state that it's outside your control. Otherwise you have all the worry about this holiday being ruined and how things will work, actual holiday not following your plan and potential issue of everyone else wanting this to continue in following years.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2016 10:35

I'd be tempted to change my dates and just not mention it. If the topics ever came up, for example if she says 'i thought you were going xx date' I'd be vague and a bit puzzled and say 'oh no, its works much better for us at this time'. Do not be specific about what the actual 'thing' is.

What is she going to say? 'But I booked to be there at the same time as you but didn't tell you and now I'm cross because you won't be my free babysitter'

BathshebaDarkstone · 11/01/2016 10:35

That would freak me out. I agree with it being very Single White Female. Hmm

GoEasyPudding · 11/01/2016 10:36

There is no way I would put up with this! The only solution is to change the dates or the place, don't tell her at any point. Be vague, like others have said, work time off, different resort than planned, changed the flight time. Anything!

This woman is behaving very strangely by booking the same holiday so she's going to continue to cross boundaries whilst you are on the holiday. You can't be creeping around on your hols hoping not to have spend more time with them than you want.

It really sounds like she will be the sort to be taking up your time in one way or another. Are you going to dance to her tune while away just to avoid her wrath? Nip this in the bud now.

NotOneIota · 11/01/2016 10:39

I wouldn't like this,OP, what a cheek! I would change the date of the holiday even if it meant paying a fine.

Branleuse · 11/01/2016 10:41

i would be pissed off too, but id be semi-honest with her and say that youre surprised at her booking the same thing at the same time without discussing it with you, since this was supposed to be a much valued family holiday, and you plan on doing the majority of things as a family, but maybe you can meet up for dinner one evening whilst away

Branleuse · 11/01/2016 10:42

you might find that the resort will let you change the date for free if its enough in advance, and you plead with them that you stll want the holiday with them, but a different date

fitforflighting · 11/01/2016 10:45

I have had this although in the UK. Then used as an excuse to dump the kids with us and then attempt to go off and do their own thing as 'the kids are playing so nicely with yours'

steppemum · 11/01/2016 10:46

you have to tell her.

Just sit down and say, I was pretty taken aback when you said you had booked the same resort at the same time as us. For us, holidays are about family, and we would never chose to go away with another family, it just isn't our idea of a good holiday.
I am pretty upset by this to be honest, and feel like you have intruded on our holiday.

See what she says. At that point she will

  1. OMG I am so sorry, didn't think, thought it would be lovely, we will re-book/avoid you all week etc. In which case I wouldn't rebook, point is made, you will smile across the pool and each have your own holiday
OR
  1. but the dcs get along so well, why wouldn't we go together? (to which the answer is you DIDN'T ASK. We DON'T WANT TO) depends on how conversation pans out, but I would re-book
OR
  1. get all stroppy and defensive and say what a cow you are. Run a mile.

For me, I would always talk to the other person. It isn't always what we think it is. She may have just thought it sounds fab, and never intended to 'go together'

minipie · 11/01/2016 10:48

It's annoying and weird but in your shoes I wouldn't change dates or be obviously rude to her. I would just do whatever I could to keep it a family only holiday and keep distance from them - and start making it clear now that's what you intend.

So next time you see her, drop into conversation that you are looking forward to having family time on holiday as at home you don't get much time just you DH and the DCs. If she says anything about the two families meeting up say "sure, that would be lovely as a change one day. Why don't we do that on the ".

When you get there if they keep "bumping into you" I would smile say hello and return to your magazine/game with DC. polite but not welcoming.

Hopefully they will get the hint...

Do you mind if your DCs play together, or is it just adult interaction you don't want?

EponasWildDaughter · 11/01/2016 10:49

Skimmed thread, but yes, contact your holiday company and see if they'll help you out.

Then, much nearer the time, tell her you've had to change holiday plans - for any number of reasons out of your control.

Tell the kids the same thing. It's just one of those things.

CoraPirbright · 11/01/2016 10:49

I would be majorly pissed off!! Its fine if she thinks you have found a brilliant holiday to go on and books the same place but NOT the same dates!!! Has she discussed with you what she plans to do? It might be that you wave to her at breakfast, have a chat in passing one evening or something but the rest of the time is separate .....or is she just planning on tacking onto your party?? Do you have a dp? Does she? We have been away with other families but it has been very much a case of "we are going to be by the pool" "we are off to the beach" "ok we are going to mooch about the town" "bye see you later" which works very well. Is there a kids club? Can the kids all get together there and then you can disappear off? i would be very wary of becoming a childminder to her kids!!

minipie · 11/01/2016 10:50

I'm thinking she may just intend the Dc to play together and not be intending a full on two family holiday.

Shakey15000 · 11/01/2016 11:00

I wouldn't run the risk that they'll respect your privacy. I'd err on the side that they'll be annoying limpets.

carabos · 11/01/2016 11:03

I'd change the dates or the venue if you possibly can. Agree with others who have said you will find yourself with all the DC, if she's cheeky enough to hijack your holiday, she'll think nothing of dumping the kids on you.

Don't be surprised if when it comes to departure, there's some emergency that requires her to stay at home and you to take her kids because after all it's booked and paid for, shame to spoil their trip as well as her own yadda yadda.

badg3r · 11/01/2016 11:05

I think steppemum has it right. Best to be open about it beforehand so that she doesn't turn up expecting you all to be best pals for the whole time.

scarlets · 11/01/2016 11:08

I agree with Shakey. They will not give you any space.

You'll spend the week feeling irked and trying to avoid them, whilst your kids innocently make fun plans together that you will struggle to wriggle out of, without causing hassle.

I'd quietly change the date. Nearer the time, when she raises the topic again, casually say that you're going for a different week due to.a conflict. If she seems affronted and asks why you didn't say before, look suitably puzzled.

Alastrante · 11/01/2016 11:09

Bet she's an extrovert!! (Albeit a particularly thoughtless one...)

AnnPerkins · 11/01/2016 11:10

Ouch.

Change the date if you can. You will be so glad you did.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 11/01/2016 11:19

Perhaps she isn't expecting to share your holiday?

We bumped into a family we know slightly at the tail end of our holiday last year. TBH our kids, whilst the same age, aren't friends particularly and my kids had already made friends whom they were playing with. We chatted and had a drink but neither party expected to spend any time together beyond that chance meeting. It was absolutely chance they were there, we hadn't shared holiday info. I don't think either of us minded or felt obliged to spend time together any more than we would if we'd bumped into each other at the local swimming pool/ soft play.

It depends on the personality of your friend (is she a limpet type?) but I'd assume she'd just thought "oh that's a brilliant sounding deal/ holiday destination" not that she was inviting herself on your holiday.

Tactless and presumptuous of her to deliberately book the same dates and make the comments about the kids spending time together - but you say they are actually friends? Maybe your kids will like playing with theirs the odd afternoon or evening?

It absolutely doesn't mean you have to share your holiday or plan anything together IMO.

I would find it weird if somebody deliberately booked the same destination and dates so blatantly BUT I wouldn't assume you were sharing a holiday unless you booked together - I'd expect to do your own thing but the kids to have friends on tap to play with IF you happen to be having a sitting about the pool/ terrace day.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 11/01/2016 11:22

steppemum 's advice is excellent